Star-Crossed Lovers
Star-Crossed Lovers
"Hydrus, dearest!" Virgo called, her shimmering blue mane glittering in the moonlight. She rushed to her loved one's side. "Why was your arrival delayed? I made tea for us to share and it has gone cold."
"My sweetest Virgo," Hydrus answered, his voice filled with melancholy. "One thousand and one of my father's knights ambushed me and hindered my journey. For days they chased me through forest and brush, but I was able to slay them all."
Virgo's features brightened, and she levitated a bottle of wine over to the dark blue stallion.
"Then why do we still wait? He could have another thousand and one soldiers headed this way right now. Come, there is no time to lose!" Virgo ushered Hydrus into her abode, which was designed with the fine architecture from the Vicoltian Era.
"But wait!" Hydrus interrupted, turning towards the northern winds. "I am unable to make your acquaintance this eve."
"Why ever not?" the white unicorn inquired before she started to preen her beloved's wings. He abruptly pulled them out of her grasp, much to her dismay.
"I... I..." Hydrus struggled to respond. Before he knew it, he felt Virgo's warm lips upon his.
"Did that help clear up your mind?" she giggled. Hydrus stared upon her fair face, a red streak emblazoned across his cheeks, before he snapped back to his senses.
"No, my Virgo, that only worsened the matter!" He galloped off a few yards before slumping his shoulders and coming to a defeated stop.
"Please," the unicorn pleaded. "You are making me worried. What is the cause of your ailments? Are you arranged to marry another? Are you due for a valiant duel tomorrow morn?"
"Worse than all of those things combined," Hydrus sighed, his ears flattening in shame.
"What is it that you've done? Please, ease my conscience." When Hydrus remained unresponsive, Virgo walked over to her garden only but a few paces away, plucked the most beautiful bluebell she could find, and returned to the depressed pegasus. She tucked the small flower behind his ear and lifted his chin with her dainty hoof.
"Please."
Hydrus sighed, but lifted his eyes to meet hers.
"Virgo, what I'm about to tell you shames me more than anything I have ever done in my life. Not even becoming the King of Equestria could rid me of this guilt." Hydrus paused, hoping that Virgo would be too scared to want to hear more, but he knew her better than that. With a heavy sigh, he continued.
"A few years ago, before I was a knight and before I had good sense, I went out seeking adventure. However, I wasn't seeking to slay a dragon. No, what I was seeking was far rarer. I wanted love."
"But Hydrus," Virgo interrupted, "Surely for someone with your cunning and kindness, this task would be simple."
"I remind you, I was a fool back then. I didn't want the kind of love that we share now. I wanted to be treated as a king. I wanted a mare that would do all of the work while I went off and did whatever I pleased." He jerked his head away, dropping his gaze to the grass. "And... I got my wish."
Out of the corner of his eye, Hydrus could see fear flash across Virgo's moonlight features. She opened her mouth to speak, but decided against it, allowing him to continue.
"She was beautiful. Raspberry pink coat, great chef... She was everything I had ever wanted. But I was young, and did not yet know how to care. I treated her like she was worthless, but she never complained. I would go out until the dead of night, even stopping at local taverns to socialize with other mares, and yet whenever I came home she was awake, happily sitting at a table with a cup of hot cocoa for me. I took it for granted, of course, and since she was never upset I figured I could get away with anything."
He stopped again to see Virgo's reaction, but she had decided to keep her emotions to herself and say nothing. He sighed and rubbed his temples, the next part of his tale the most painful to remember.
"It was a Summer morning. I normally didn't get up and around until noon then, mind you, since I had grown even more irresponsible during my time with her. I had decided to awake at dawn that day, for reasons I have long since forgotten. As I was strolling in our garden, I heard her voice. It didn't sound like her normal sweet voice, however. This sound was dark and twisted."
"I traversed closer, and took special care in not being seen. What I saw was... unnerving, to say the least." Hydrus gulped and tried to keep his voice steady. "She was practicing witchcraft. Black magic. To this day I don't know what spell she was casting, and I spent countless hours pouring over magic books to figure it out. But that's beside the point."
He shook his head. "No, what I did after was what was important. I ambushed her and interrupted her spell. It must have been important, because she started screaming to me how now there was no hope of her getting her parents back. After she had exhausted that subject, though, she moved on to how I was such a selfish stallion, how I treated her like a maid more than a lover. How I didn't know what love was." He paused to wipe away any signs of tears brewing in his eyes.
"Deep down, I knew I wanted to apologize, but I was too upset then to do what I knew was right. Instead I told her that I didn't need her, that I could find love in any pony I wanted. She must have taken that as a challenge."
"She put a curse on me that day. She said that even if another pony could love me, they would be slain if anypony else found out about such feelings."
Virgo waited to see if he would continue, but after a few moments of silence she realized that he had reached the end of his tale.
"Darling," she coaxed, "I understand that is the past. Why do you let it vex you now? We have kept our relationship a secret from everypony."
"Have you forgotten?" He sighed. "My father has found out. That is why I was chased here. And now you love me so much..." He covered his face with his hooves. "I am forever regretful for getting you involved in this."
Virgo wrapped her gossamer forelegs around Hydrus's neck.
"But it has been quite a while since you have arrived. What if he's given up?"
"Yes, perhaps you're—"
Virgo gasped as she heard Hydrus's last breath leave him. She withdrew suddenly to see a blade protruding from his gut. He collapsed, and standing behind him was an army of epic proportions. Easily ten thousand stallions were gathered in full armour, and standing right behind the collapsed pegasus was a stallion that Virgo recognized to be Hydrus's father.
"Do away with me!" she cried. "If we cannot be together in life, then we shall be together in death!"
The stallion chuckled, mimicking the sound of rolling thunder. "And why should I grant you that pleasure?" He turned to his large ranks. "Leave the girl alive! Let her suffer as we have suffered!" With a flourish of his cape, he turned back to the path that he arrived from, the soldiers following suit. Virgo was left alone, heartbroken and empty.
The years withered away, and she refused to meet another pony for the rest of her days. When the fateful day finally came, she welcomed her death.
And so, in the world of the dead, the two star-crossed lovers danced in endless fields of bluebells.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, whaddya think?" Twilight asked, leaning over Rarity's shoulder as she finished reading the last few lines. "Quite a tear-jerker, huh? Notice how I titled it ‘Star-Crossed Lovers,' and the main characters' names are constellations? I even made sure that the meanings of the constellations fit with the characters! For example, ‘Virgo' means—"
"Yes, very clever!" Rarity interrupted, having enough knowledge about the stars to not let her continue. "Erm, remind me again why you decided to try your hoof at writing romance?"
"Oh, they were having some sort of writing competition at Fillydelphia's library. The theme was ‘Hearts and Hooves Day,' so I figured romance was my only option." Twilight paused to inspect her hard work. "I had to do so much research to get the feel right. I had to read so many of Stallionspeare's works."
"Mmm, I can tell," Rarity replied, glancing back through the story. She ruffled through the pages for a few more moments.
"Twilight?"
"Yes?"
"Promise me you'll never enter another romance themed writing contest ever again."
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FiW was right! twilight does write fanfiction
Ermagerd. New story. I was cheated and lied to, and now you will die.
i.animecrazy.net/396806.jpg
wait... pink coat... chef... split personality....
god dammit Twilight
Hmmm... "Twilight"
Do you think that maybe...
Naw.
Poor Rarity.
you wrote a story where the main character writes a story... "Yo dog I heard..." ok enough of that.
2114751
Ok then.
2116039
I don't know why why Rarity didn't like it, it was a good story.
2116401
Maybe too cliche?
2116987 nope!
That was interesting, very enjoyable. I could see Twilight actually doing something like this.
I like it
*Laughs* Very cute. It was a bit confusing as to which was the unicorn and which was the pegasus but nothing overly serious. the characters dialogue bounced around a bit. One minute they spoke in older formal style and the next more modern. Wasn't sure if it was deliberate or not
2126125
That's me being bad at old-timey language
2126219
...in addition to dropping by to say: "Excellent work;" something I definitively should have said sooner, I would like to give you some headers for Archaic English in advance regarding Luna...
Thou= You. Used in the start of the sentence when referring to ones you look down on(Luna is using them towards her subjects) or when the other person is a friend or part of your family. Also for when instructing someone or using an adjective.
Never say "For thou".
Thee= Same as thou, but used at the end of a sentence or when talking about someone."For thee." ("I would do every a thing for thee.")
Shalt/ Shan't "Shall, shall not."
Thy= Your. Used when the first letter in the next word is a consonant.
Thine= Same, but used when the next word's first letter is a wovel.
Yonder= Over there.(Used nowadays by Southern people, but it is still Archaic.)
Art= Are.
Hath/Hast= Have, first-person and second person.
-eth= Added at the end of a verb when referring to oneself.
-est= Added when referring to another person.
Dost=Does. Second-person.
"I hath burneth the lands of this Earth,"
"Dost thou not recall me? Hast thou lost what mind is left for thee?"
"I wisheth for thou to prayest with thine entire soul."
Additionally, the sentences are somewhat strange. Futo from TD speaks in Old Japanese/Archaic English, but it wasn't inserted in the game. Her real dialog is as follows:
"Pray tell, what design have led to my resurrection?"
"Art thou the final trial I must conquer, that I may be resurrected in full?"
"Know that I harbor for thee no malice in mine heart."
I repeat that this was excellent. You are clearly a talented writer.
2141117
Woah
If I ever need to write like that again, then I'll be sure to refer to this comment
2141187
Glad to help.
Thank you.
Good luck on!
2141187
...oh, and in certain words such as "would", they will end with -st rather than -est.
2141279
How do you know all of these things?
Are you Futo in disguise?
2141293
Ahhhhh!
Thou hast uncovered mine secret!
...even so, thou shan't receive the luxury of living past this date, my secret now revealed.
...seriously though, I just read heavy literature from time to time.
Holy hell that was a good read. I almost wish it wasn't a joke and that Star-Crossed Lovers was the actual story given full length. I came in going "Hur hur what hijinks await my little eyes?" and then I got this heart wrenching tale of regret and pain. To quote something I told a friend while reading:
10:56 PM - Fire Rat: well this isnt funny at all
10:56 PM - Fire Rat: damn it Twilight
10:56 PM - Fire Rat: no wonder Celestia gave you wings
Well done. Very enjoyable oneshot.
2164645
Woah, I didn't think that it was that good!
A thousand thanks!
2164726
I'm not sure what made me like it so much. I think it was the general style of writing which roped me in early in spite of the short length, which made me sad when it did end. :<
2166280
That's pretty amazing, considering I only took a few hours (over the course of two days) to write this
Hello Ladies and Gentlemans, this is PaleRider, your faithful reviewer once again doing a little job at an fellow writter's request. This time the lovely Flan-Chan asked me to fetch her with some good opinions about her newest job: Star-Crossed Lovers: A Story by Best Pon- I mean - T. Sparkle!
Alright Flan-Chan, I would try to be brief, but I love being very nitpicky on my reviews so I will probably turn this into a huge text. Let's us commence by giving you a fast explanation on how I do my reviews: I am going to dive into it deeper and do my review based on the analisys of a series of categories, pointing the flaws and the merits of your fic around them. I also tend to use a point system, to indicate my overral opinion and impression of one's works.
And your fic got: 8/10
That's a pretty high score for my reviews! Congratulations!
Foreword
As in all my complete reviews, I will cover each category of the story in depth, those are: Plot, Characterization, Character Development, Description, Text Structure, Grammar, Pacing, Canon Material, Chapter Lenght and Originality.
Now that I made this clear, let's start!
Plot
This is where I do a quick glance over your general story. I will say what I liked about it, and what I didn't, pointing anything I think its wrong with the plot itself.
Right, this one is a little tricky on your work Flan-Chan. It's a interesting story, and you choose a even more interesting way of showing it to us, throwing the readers right to the book they are reading. I really liked the story written by my loved Princess of Magic, it looks like really as something that she would had written. Everything on it, from the references to her daily life, to the deep and emotional sappy plot she developed is very likeble to be hers hoofwork.
But there are some problems here and there. Some people can feel confused by having to keep their immersion on which seems to be a book. They can feel lost, wanting to know some details of what is happening around, or who is reading the book. Next time, try to give off some hints about who is reading, and what they are doing at the moment, or you can lose readers just because they will gave up reading thinking that the whole fic is just what Twilight wrote.
Characterization
Yes! Characterization is where I analyzes how close you used the canon characters to the ones in the show. You mixed some OCs along with two of my personal favorites ponies. Yay!
Let us begin with both of your OCs that had a major role; Virgo and Hydrus.
Althought I like them very much, assuming how they look like projections of Twilight herself, I can't stop to think how I found them so little explored. The tricky part of writting OCs is that they had be explored in deep, from their physical traits, to their most intimate feelings. That's the only way to create a deep bond between them, and your readers, and even to short one-shots, you have to try and create this connection, or some people will simple turn your work down because of OCs that they can't care about.
Anyhoof, with the small amount of information you give us about them, I find them working as two characters out of a novel. And that's exactly what they are supposed to be, so congratulations on them.
Now for Rarity and that pony which I adore (
) called Twilight Sparkle; They are perfect. 
Twilight and all her bookworm cuteness and overly dramatic ending for a story that was supposed to be romantic is just well made and totally in character for a mare who is a little clumsy with her feelings.
And the fact that Rarity, the most romantic out of the six, was disgusted with the strange turn of events, was perfect too. You had done well in using the canon, and that's the mark of a good writer of fiction.
Character Development
This section is about how good or how bad your characters evolved through the course of your plot, if their reactions were believable and if they are really fitting here and there.
This category was difficulty to judge. The story is short, and feels a little rushed towards the end. Also is a one-shot, which leaves little to no space for character development.
I can say that due to poor lenght, you story lacks the necessary telling for having good development on the OCs. Rarity and Twilight's part seems in check, so you did fine with them.
Description
This is going to analyse how good you were able to describe your story. The places, the scenes, the characters, everything that needs to be described.
I really missed some more description in your work. Although the scenarios are described enough, you could have took your time to evoke more
feelings on your readers. Maybe tell us what Hydrus was thinking when he saw Virgo, or tell us what she felt when he slowly uncovered the truth for her.
Also, we don't really know much about their appearances, and, like I told you on a previous section of this review, is through those small details that you can create a bond between the reader and your OCs, and on a story based solely on them, this is very important.
Maybe you wanted a short story, and decided to not invest much in details, but this is really nocive to the overrall experience. Always be the most nitpicky person on the world while doing the descriptions.
Text Structure
Ah! Text Structure is a very important category. Here I can say if your story is properly formatted.
This one was easy to judge. Its flawless, to say the least.
I really am amazed by how your writing style and text structuring is perfectly weaved and respect every rule for a good read. A most picky reviewer could ask you for double spacing, but I don't mind, one is just fine.
I don't have much more to say on this category other than amazing job Flan-Chan.
Chapter Lenght
Yup! Believe it or not this is important. Small chapters makes the story a terrible pain to read, because they end too soon and the readers get distracted to really care for the fic.
This one was easy to judge too, but not in a good way.
Less than 2K words long stories are like a red alert for more experienced readers. They tend to turn away almost immeaditely, because of the bias they have that the story will be either rushed, poorly written, or don't have enough description. In the case of this one, I think you should have aimed for more description.
For one shots, I tend to aim for a 5k word minimal. A really good one-shot should have something like 8k to 10k or more words. Your work is really good, but with more description and content it would shine as bright as many legendary fics. You have the means to write spectacular fictions, you just need to focus on doing juicy descriptions.
Canon Usage
This one is a touchy category. Why? Because I am an author just like you, and I know how is terrible to have someone trying to cut the wings of my imagination. But unfortunally we are dealing with Fan Fiction, and in this case, we need to respect some rules from the guys that created the show, because it is what turns our works into a MLP:FiM fiction, and not our own franchise that share some similarities.
As I said before, you focused the major part of your fic on OCs, which I tend to look in a different way when judging the Canon Usage category. But I will take just the part where Rarity and Twilight are being focused, because its the great twist and the best part of the fic in my opinion.
That's brilliant! I always seen my Princess as a mare who would write some soppy novel. It fits her character very well, and Rarity is also perfectly in touch with her canon.
Originality
This is the category that says how unique to a reader like me was the experience of reading Star-Crossed Lovers: A Story by T. Sparkle
It was a great pleasure.
A really interesting little story at the beggining. But the twist at the ending was pure gold.
Grammar
By now, you my dear Lady, have probably detected that I'm not a english speaker, seeing how my review must be crawling with erros and typos. It's not my best to criticize someone's grammar, but I can see when there's something terrible wrong on a fic.
You really must be an amazing girl at school. Your english skills make my poor ramblings pale in shame. I could detect one or two places where I had some doubts about tenses, but I think it must have been my paranoia.
Congratulations on this section, and believe me, if you keep up woth this high level of writing on your future pieces, you will conquer a crowd of fans.
Final Considerations
Your short fic was impressive.
I am looking forward for reviewing your multi-chapter, because it brings me great joy to write reviews about great works. I love your style already, so it will be another pleasure and I'm sure.
Here, have my Green Thumb, my Golden Star, my Gray Pony clapping for you...
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/141/b/4/octavia_slow_clap_by_eniacc-d50n5a5.gif
And if you want my red blood too...
Long live to the Scarlet Sisters!
PaleRider, leaving!
I liked this a lot. I'd have to agree with Rarity, though. Romance doesn't seem like it'd be Twilight's thing.
Very enjoyable read.
2230672
This comment is more meaningful than it should be.
Oh well! Smiles for everypony!
I love your writing style. It's very poetic and flows beautifully! I am looking forward to reading your other works as well.
Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of gramatically-correct stories on Fimfiction.
I feel like Twilight is very much stuck in the past. Romance isn`t like that anymore! It`s like this.
"You know, if I could rearrange the alphabet I`d put you and I together."
"OMG! You are like so nice!"
"So, do you wanna go out or something?"
"Totally! I have to go tell my BFF! Call me!"
That doesn`t make for a very romantic story though. What happened to the world?! Where`s the love?! We must of lost it. I hope that it`s found because you never see grand, romantic gestures anymore. RIP
Oh Twilight, you shouldn't throw Pinkie under the bus.
Hehe! That was lovely, if a bit over-flowery, and the twist was quite funny!
And this is why I’ve never written a ship fic in my life.