Midnight Sun
This week has been long, hectic, and draining. Over the course of it, I’ve had to confront myself a multitude of times. I felt paralysing fear, confided in my sister, asked my student a question I myself didn’t know the answer to, and for the first time in over a millennium I managed to forgive and accept myself. Who could have thought Discord would have done something that would have set off such a positive series of events?
I have to wonder if he knew that this would be the result… After all he was the first one to know after Luna, and he still referred to me as a mare. With all the interactions I had with him, even with the jabs and the jokes he still took it serious. At least as serious as Discord took anything.
Today… today was really a momentous day. Today was the first day I have awoken and not felt like I was lying, cheating, deceiving, or misleading my people. Today, I truly felt I was the mare I always wanted to be. No second thoughts, split moments of doubt or worry, or even strange pangs of guilt as when I was trying to hide it from myself during my millennium of solitude.
Today I am complete… and it seems so fitting that I am ending my two-hundredth diary volume with this glorious note. From two-hundred one and onward, I am a Mare. I will no longer be defined to myself by something I had no control over. That thought is finally gone, dead forever more. Sleep well Helios, I’m sure in another life, another time, you could have been a great son. But you, you just aren’t me. You are not who I am.
My name is Celesita, and I am the Princess of Equestria. I am not Princess because I was born to be so; I am here because the ponies here willed it to be. And I am only here as Celestia because of my desire to take control of my own life.
In the end, I realise that every day ponies believe me to raise and lower the sun. And every day they are not disappointed, as the sun rises while their princess reigns over them. Their princess… or princesses now would be more correct. But still… only two now survive who know my secret, at least to my knowledge. Neither have divulged it… and for that I am deeply grateful.
But that thought that I was their Princess seemed so bittersweet to me. I felt as their Princess I should keep nothing from them, or their trust in me would be baseless. Or at the very worst based upon lies and deceit. But now… now it simply seems sweet.
I now realise, I am who I always was. Celestia, Princess of Equestria, Patron of the Sun and the Day, and sister to Luna, Patron of the Moon and Night. I am known as the Daughter of the Sun, the Celestial Flame Bearer, and one of the most powerful beings on the planet.
I realise now, that every day the Sun may rise, but his Daughter reigns. His Daughter keeps watch over the children of Equestria, protects them, and lets them know that they are loved, and cared for. And His Daughter is no more or less because of how she was born, even if it took a pony who’s life seems to be a mere drop in the ocean compared to her own. Thank you Twilight, I will never forget you.
Excerpt from Celestia’s Diary, Vol 200
A small smile crawled across my face as I put my quill down, closing the 200th volume of my Diary. Today, was a good day, though the past week was still spinning in my head. Discord, Luna, Twilight. They all seemed to be such unlikely allies in this particular quest.
Thoughts spiralled around my mind as I shelved this particular volume next to the most recent in my, now quite honest, spectacularly long Diary. I never thought when I started it so long ago that this would be the end result. As what was just a place to keep my thoughts, a safe place to express myself away from my parents, would have ended up storing so much of my life.
The image of myself rippled in the window’s reflection of my room as I turned away from the shelf. I never would have thought, nearly one-thousand one-hundred years ago, that I’d be standing here as a full-bodied mare, nearly indistinguishable from a normal mare. Yes, I am slightly bigger, and I am a bit more blocky, but most ponies don’t notice minor things like that.
My smile widened as I looked at myself. It seems so strange that this would give me so much joy, happiness, and peace. It used to be that my reflection caused guilt, uncertainty, sorrow, or even rage. It seemed as if I couldn’t get out of my mind what I’d look like today if I hadn’t gone through and modified myself, if I hadn’t sweat and bled to get to where I am now.
My smile shrunk slightly, as I turned and headed towards my favourite pillow. I didn’t want to do now what I knew I must. I levitated the first volume of my Diary over to me. The book smelled of must and was clearly ancient. If it hadn’t been for the magic entwined throughout it it’s likely it would have decayed centuries earlier.
The levitation spell had already dislodged a decent amount of dust, and I cleared the rest with a light blow. The book was old, bound in thick leather, something that many ponies in modern times would find appalling. Particularly when we have such effective things as cardboard and magical book covers as a substitute. But it was made with the traditional means at my disposal so many centuries ago.
I cracked the first page, the pages had yellowed significantly, but the ink upon the page was as crisp as ever. ‘This Diary Belongs To Helios. NO READING’ popped out from the first page. The memories filled me with so much pain. But I knew, this was the last thing I had to do. I had to remember, so that I could move on.
As the page turned, the words leaping off the page and immediately sparking painful memories. ‘Dear Diary, I managed to make you today with my own binding and paper. You are one-hundred percent mine, and no one else's. I made you, so I could tell you things I’m not comfortable telling mom or dad. Even Luna mustn’t know…’ I chuckled slightly, as Luna had already suspected something odd even before I wrote this. ‘I’m… different, I’m not really sure how to say it but… I feel like I was born wrong. I just don’t feel right, and I just know something is up. This isn’t like thinking my parents aren’t mine, it’s like saying me isn’t mine… did I say that right? Perhaps I’m not… me? I know it seems strange Diary but you’ve got to believe me…’
Reading through the first volume was hard. Every page, every word, brought back more painful memories. But I kept going. Many times I wanted to put the book down, just try and forget it all. But I couldn’t. I knew that remembering, and knowing that these things in the past were just that, past, was important.
When I finished the volume, tears were running down my face. All the memories… Luna being punished for dressing me up in a dress, my parents denouncing that I could be anything but male. All culminating to the final entry with my whole hearted desire to die, for I couldn’t take living anymore.
I shelved the book, though I did not touch my tears. They ran freely down my face, dripping into pools on the floor. Though as painful as it seemed, the tears seemed to be relaxing me. I was finally letting go. I would never be the son that my parents wanted. I may never tell the ponies of Equestria who I was born as. And I may never be able to have children of my own one day. But none of that matters as much as who I am, and that I am comfortable with who I am.
I am Celestia, a Princess of Equestria.
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This is an interesting concept, and one I don't think I've ever seen before.
A fitting conclusion to this story. Thank you.
And the final chapter closes, just like Celestia closed the first chapter of her life. I did not expect that you were going to play this chapter this way, but I like that you did. I do now wonder if she will tell Twilight or if Twilight will figure it out on her own.
3499366
If you mean that you hadn't seen a transpony story before, then you are in luck, because there are actually a few out there. I keep a list of them on my userprofile page. Now, if you meant you had never seen a trans Celestia story or one that played it like this, unfortunately, there do not seem to be any others out there that I know of.
Excerpt from Celestia’s Dairy, Vol 200
A small smile crawled across my face as I put my quill down, closing the 200th volume of my Dairy.
I enjoyed the ideas you presented in this story, but I do have to say that your consistent misspelling of "diary" as "dairy" made it a struggle to take the story seriously.
I would like to clarify for the record that Celestia does not, in fact, write her personal thoughts in a milking business, but in a book designed to chronicle events.
3500424
Blah... I hate my spelling ability at times
Sorry about that. I have Dyslexia and more consistently perform better with number than with letters. As such I tend to have a habit of seeing a word misspelled and not getting that it's misspelled. Especially when the word its self is a properly spelled word, but is just the wrong word to use in the situation. Thank you for notifying me of this, I edited it and /hopefully/ one would be able to take it a bit more seriously.
3499848
I've noticed that I'm a very thematic writer, and that I like writing things like this. If you want take a look at each chapter title, then the characters that appear in each of those chapters. It's not very subtle in all honesty. Also, I'm already working on a 'sequel' of sorts, continuing things in this particular vein and train of thought. And whether she will tell Twilight or if Twi will have to figure it out on her own... well, perhaps I'll get around to that, perhaps not
3501591
Yay!
enjoyed this
Nice story, thanks for sharing.
The idea that Discord would not use Celestia's past as a means to get at her and always refers to her as a her is actually quite brilliant. He often transforms the area around him, other ponies and Himself due to his abilities as a personification of Chaos. Who is someone like that to say Celestia can't be who she wants to be?
Okay, I finally got the time to read this. Glad to see that PC was able to help you when I went out of town. I like the ending, it seems fitting with everything else.
I only just noticed but there is an inconsistency with the number of volumes of Celestia's
DairyDiary:3519091
I'm going to word-of-god this away as Discord reading some volumes of Celestia that aren't her personal diary as part of her Dairy, combining them all together as a way to make her feel old.
I was listening to this while reading:
Not a good combo. mashable.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/crying-waterfalls.gif
When I started this story I thought it was going a completely different direction.
4736029
Did it go in a good direction or a bad direction?
4736045 Good. I thought it was going to be one of those stories where Celestia is Twilight's mom. That would have been fine too long, but this was very interesting. I've never seen a story like this on the site.
Good story.
Experimental stories like this always irk me because they tend to be one shots and the idea isn't really explored as much as I'd like it to be.
But that's a nitpick of mine and I'll gladly favourite this anyways!
4767681 You know, this popped up a couple of months ago, and I shrugged it off, not fully understanding. But as I come back to this fic to link it to someone, I have to ask what were you expecting in the fleshing out of this idea? I thought I covered it fairly soundly.
Tia is Transgender, she's been struggling with it, and she has to seek help to come to terms with it. It's simple, and is more of an end of an immeasurably long journey. The story wasn't intending to go into further detail than Tia's personal journey's close, and give slight glimpses into the past and how she dealt with a few things.
If you could explain a bit I'd be greatly appreciative. Also if you like this sort of Tia, look for her in my other fics, because this is a perma-headcanon for me.
5229760 I understand that the point of the story was 'Tia coming to terms with her own body and who she is, I just can't help but wonder what happens after that.
I was hoping I'd get to see someone else react to Celestia's story in this fic. Which, in retrospect wasn't the point of the story but I was interested how such a thing would go.
Short and sweet. Nicely done.
3499366
No doubt that means a great deal to the author coming from the mare, herself.
This story was recommended to me by a friend. I'm glad that she did, for it was a great story.
I love how you handled Discord especially. Wasn't expecting that angle. Have a fave!
5655468 Thank you very much! Celestia is Best Princess, no matter what anyone says!
5783324 Glad you liked it, honestly I wrote this so long ago I hardly remember writing it at all X3 Still, I'm glad you liked it, and the discord angle. It's fun to write discord, especially with the way I picture him in my head.
5804739
Oops. Forgot to like and shelf this. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
5964100 I've heard this multiple times, and I guess it kinda makes me happy that I did something that no one else has done (or has done notably or publicly) ^.^
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/98551225/GIF/tumblr_mxwl4eWSwf1s4ukxeo2_500.gif
5964132 Wow, you replied really fast!
Pretty good story.
~ The Trans Fruit Bat
Yeah, that last bit sounds pretty familiar. Reading my old journals I kept in grade school, the subject of never feeling like myself and never being comfortable comes up again and again, and it's hard to look at. I just want to reach through the pages, grab younger me by the shirt and yell "You're transgender! It's so bleeding obvious!"
Well, anyway, I found the emotional scenes a little too dramatic to believe, but that's just my taste. I liked it nonetheless. Question: is this story already in the Transgender Bronies section, and if not, how do we make that happen?
I think this story has perminently changed the way I see Celestia. It's too bad that MLP was never able to address LGBTQ topics directly, due to the controversy and backlash it would cause, both inside and outside the fandom. MLP has always been about staying true to yourself, and doing what makes you happy, so why not have a transgender character? As a suggestion for the future, you could write a sequel where Twilight and her friens find out about Celestia's past, and they each react in a different way.
Came here by way of a recommendation. This was an interesting take on Celestia, both in terms of her character and her past. Luna being protective of her, even as her younger sister, was something I don't think I've seen before. Discord's acceptance (even at the cost of teasing) was nice to see. I do have to think he was pushing Celestia's buttons a bit purposefully, something that is very uniquely Discord. All of these are really nice touches, but I think the story shines the most in the Twilight chapter. That was just so beautifully cathartic.
Great story! Thanks for writing it.