What if, now bare with me, what if Captain Ray was really Chrysalis in disguise using the gryphon's superior military strength to take over equestria?

2374424 that'd be a fucked up but incredibly well thought plot twist.

2374424 and I beat bioshock infinite and I understood that amazingly mindfuckish ending so I don't see why not. Bioshock infinite has the greatest ending to any game I've ever played.

2374424

Well, that would be quite the plot twist. I would love to do that idea, but I have the general outcome already decided (plus now everyone would know how it all ends if I used it). I may incorporate the changelings somehow... which side they take, if any at all, is yet to be determined.

2374900

I beat Bioshock yesterday. The ending definitely had me sitting there thinking 'WTF'. But it wrapped it up quite nicely.

Oh I am so looking forward to the sequel.

You did good and I am pleased with the ending. I personally hate how people criticize you for doing a dark themed story with rape inside. You kept it 'real' (more or less in this fantasy world of ponies) and did what came to mind.

I am gonna start reading the sequel~

that was a suprisingly well written piece. it had many plot twists and i liked the rapey vibe and such, keep it up

Nice ending!

2375494 Just wanted to let you know I love this story. It's the only clopfic i've re-read multiple times. Thanks for writing it.

2381676>>2375806>>2395222>>2422508

Glad you all liked it.

Chapter 1 and 2 were decent, but after that it got absurd. Do you really understand the repercussions of boiling-hot cum inside the body? Because I don't think you do.

And the ponies reactions to Rainbow's rape were terrible. They would not be this calm, and definitely wouldn't be okay with, well, anypony fucking her just to keep her happy. That is not how the healing process works!

As for Celestia, she wouldn't still be trying to 'make peace' after such an incident, she would want blood! It doesn't matter how benevolent she is, such a crime should never go unpunished. Luna had the right idea, at least.

Spitfire also wouldn't be so quick to jump back into the sack after just being raped, regardless of the reasons why. It kind of made sense with Rainbow Dash given what she had gone through and how long it lasted, as that can start to destabilize anypony's mental health, but Spitfire was not subjected to it for that long. The last thing she would want is somepony's dick poking her in the nethers.

You made a grave mistake here. It started off as a simple rape story with little-to-no plot for the sake of rape, which for a one-shot is acceptable. However, once you started tacking a plot and motive onto it, it no longer became tangible. A lot of necessary story elements were simply swept under the rug for the sake of keeping the story going, when that's not how proper storytelling works, not even in clop.

People keep saying this was well-written too, but I found many errors, and with the aforementioned plot-holes along with your lack of understanding how the human body (pony or otherwise, it's irrelevant in this context) works ruined a lot of the later sexscenes for me.

Perhaps I am being too harsh, but I am just so disappointed because it started off so good, only to end up being sub-par at best.

2429547

*Nods his head meaninglessly* Are you done talking?

Two things:
First:how long where 'you' and dash in the prison?

Second: you said there was fan art from various 'scenes' in the story didn't you?

To be honest, I was a bit apprehensive of this story at first. However, I ended up thoroughly enjoying it.
The plot turned out to be a lot more interesting than I expected and kept me reading, chapter after chapter, finishing the story all in one sitting.
I'll definitely be keeping my eyes on the sequel.

Criticism! Have some.

It's a work of fiction that's about as repulsive and sick as society could deem it, containing no less than a dozen graphic descriptions of just about every documented abhorrent human sin, and I'm rather sure that no self respecting human would be capable of reading through this piece of work and enjoying it. Lucky for you, I'm not one. And I can't wait to read chapter three once it comes out. But whilst the story itself and the concepts are fantastic (well above decent in the least), there's also a number of glaring issues which I shall point out shortly. So have at it. It's gonna be long, so sit the fuck down.

First of all, the setting. It follows the (rather nice) fanon continuity of the whole pony vs. gryphon war, albeit this time with a little twist, putting the ponies in pretty much the shittiest position available. Which is an interesting and welcome change, but also has its issues. You've built a story based on the assumption that a number of gryphons, who basically have flying, brute strength, and nothing else at their disposal can easily make the world their bitch in a fortnight, and happily do so. Which works to a degree, but leaves certain plotholes to be filled (hurr hurr). I know this'll probably end up sounding like a "why didn't they just use the eagles, said Frodo" type of rant, but let's get to it.

"You", as in, the character, essentially decides to be a dick and rape dash right then and there, then cuddle the fuck up to her as if it was the most natural thing in the world (only slightly after saving her life and while on the way to an important and possibly life threatening mission), making your perceived self pretty much the biggest douchebag in documented history, rivaled only by good ol' Ray himself. Celestia receives word that an ambassador and an element of Harmony was brutally raped on no less than about a thousand occasions, taken into captivity, fucked by a timberwolf and dragons, then essentially had her mental consciousness torn into shreds and stomped right into the fucking ground before her, making it questionable whether she'll be able to form a single conscious thought once more in her remaining life, then decides that "meh, we'll negotiate". Even as a tactical move and speaking out of pure logic, that's about as retarded you can get. It's been kinda made clear that the gryphons aren't exactly in the mood to negotiate.

Then again, if Ray wanted to murder the king, why didn't he do so, alternatively, why does raping two prisoners and then sending them off to come back with another element of harmony to be fucked somehow make it more believable that his death was an accident/assassination plan. Ray could have arranged a poisoning or bribed the guards/council just as easily, seeing as he already has a rather large portion of he griffin nation under his control. Then, the twelve elite best of the best gryphons are sent out to carry out their secret deeds, which consist of A) Splitting off a train cart containing nothing else than Fancypants and his wife, supposedly "kidnapping" them because of their position as valuable targets, then changing their minds for some reason and leaving him right there in the fucking cart and taking a mediocre socialite pony as captive without even raping her, and B) Breaking into a weather factory and having no trouble raping and slaughtering a pegasus for a couple hours, then having trouble fighting off another one (three to one with gender, size and power differences taken into account is a rather considerable advantage), then suddenly getting frightened and comically trying to escape the facility while leaving their comrade behind, who then supposedly gets killed from being submerged into rainbow. I just don't even.

The plot itself is somewhat shaky at times, and whilst the idea of the whole flashback thing is genuinely nice, it's also strangely implemented. The plot starts off right at the beginning, then quickly finishes up, leaving you with the expectation that it's all over, then going back to describe the left out parts, THEN continuing the story again in real time, it tends to fuck the continuity just a little bit. I did like the flashbacks, although (this probably won't help the assumption that I'm a sick fuck) there weren't nearly enough of them. There's about five scenes with RD, the initial one before your captivity, the one where they lock you up, the guards, the dragon and the timberwolf. That's about it. For months of captivity and ten whooping chapters, it feels a bit odd. And they no less get listed directly when the story starts, ruining any sort of "surprise".

As for the quality of the writing itself, it's decent-ish, with a few minor flaws here and there (mostly grammar and continuity errors), and "he/she" being mixed up every now and then, which does tend to distract you a bit. Using fandom lingo and non-canon expressions like "plot" and "buck" in generous amounts, putting in elements like Derpy, even if the intention is good and they're valid story elements, is a questionable decision and an almost direct gateway into the territory of being obnoxious. And as a side note, if the "cum inside Rainbow Dash" reference was done on purpose, even once, I'll personally make sure to track you down and shove my fist down your throat.

Characterization and other minor things. Twilicorn, matter of preference and such, I'm against it on principle but do as you like. She was well executed, although without much of a role. She seems to be sort of "a'ight" with most things, noting it down that Dash was tortured and raped for a couple months, then casually walks in on you plowing her like a cornfield, sits down for tea, then chats away afterwards which I found rather odd. Although I suppose it's alright, considering the scale of things. There's also a subtle hint that she might be into you for no reason, which isn't really explored any further apart from the "he has a cock, I must like him since I'm a female story element" thing.

Although more of a personal gripe, but you've essentially turned Fancypants into a stuck up moron, which is an odd decision since it reflects neither the canon or the fanon "standards". It's not really that entertaining either, since he isn't really an entertaining protagonist or a proper villain, he's just boring if not downright annoying. Same with Fleur, although she barely has a personality to begin with, both canon and fiction-wise. Ray's character on the other hand is downright fantastic, but his lines are also well delivered, and his motivation, intention and points are rather clear. Celestia and Luna are noted down as alright-ish, largely because we didn't actually get to see any of them. Celestia is the worrying and well-intentioned friendshipist whose plans tend to go wrong, and Luna is the quiet one who plans behind her back on her own accords. Which was rather odd, by the way. Luna does realize that killing the king would be a good move (prior to her knowledge of the real events, that is), but doesn't exactly go out of her way to act aside from leaving two pegasi with a pair of daggers and a bottle of fucking poison. To infiltrate an entire kingdom and take down its head. AND THEY SUCCEED.

Lastly, what the fuck is wrong with Rainbow Dash? As in, actually what?

Supposedly, she suffers a psychotic trauma and undergoes a long sequence of torture, which transforms her personality into a fragile and soulless husk, willing to do anything she's ordered, to avoid punishment. Which is fantastic, but the way it happens is nothing sort of fucking absurd. She transforms from her regular, slightly boastful and tough self into a literal cunt, then goes through a psychotic breakdown, then somehow ends up being subservient to you, then turns back to normal, then somehow turns back into RAPE MY ASS AND STICK CANDLES INSIDE ME MASTER kind of batshit once the story ends. Stranger still, the same thing happens to Spitfire, who, while admittedly being exposed to the suffering for a shorter period of time, turns out just fine. But seriously, let's pick it apart. Look at this.

Normal personality > Offended and distant > Resigned > Subservient and sex-obsessed > Normal personality > Crazy

Normally, it'd end around the "resigned" part, and the whole "get away from me you creep" thing shamelessly borrowed from most anime plots wouldn't even happen, since raping your comrade right after saving her life and she begs you to stop ISN'T SOMETHING YOU NORMALLY FUCKING DO. But what's stranger is the addition of the whole sex-crazy element after her return from captivity, and even stranger when she simply shifts back into her normal self. When you were gone for the second time, dash turns back into her regular personality, subtly hinting at the fact that she might end up turning back into her normal self once you're out of the picture. Which in itself is rather strange. If she was harmed and somehow mentally finds your presence comforting, why does your absence make her return to her normal self, instead of either freaking out or falling into depression while waiting for you. That brings up another point, why is she interested in your company in the first place, seeing as her last known memory of you consists of elements including "I got here because of you", "You raped me", and "I haven't seen you for months". Even if you're the last man (pony) in the world, she has no reason whatsoever to find your presence comforting, much less offer herself. If anything she'd hold an even bigger grief towards you.

I get the idea that you were trying to make her come off as a tortured and unstable sex-obsessed cumrag wiped of conscious thought once it's all said and done, but insanity doesn't work that way.

---

As to how I'd rate the story, if necessary, I'd still say it's well over the mark of decent. The concept and story itself are well done, and while it certainly does have a number of issues, I did genuinely enjoy it, so 7/10. As to why I wrote this, because I'm fucking bored. Furthermore, there was something in your journal about commissioning someone to illustrate the story. Send me a mail and I might be able to whip you up something.

Edit: Great, FiMfiction fucked up all of my formatting. GG KNIGHTY WELL DONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

2468048

Sorry, couldn't help but laugh at how you worded everything. Mind you, it's all pretty much true, and I needed that laugh after a week from hell at work. As for the 7/10, hell, I'll take it. No, none of the 'inside RD', if any, were on purpose.

Trickiest part of characterization was trying to stay canon as much as possible. It wasn't until a few chapters in I realized that since we will never see ANY of the characters in any mature/adult theme, staying canon in an adult-themed story will forever be impossible, so I said fuck-it and loosened up a bit.

Also, it's a clop-fic. I'm quite surprised and happy that people are actually critiquing it rather than simply fapping.... though there's nothing wrong with that.

>Rape

Contains rape! Don't like it, don't read it!

Which sick arsehole likes rape?!

2494282
Well played.

2495570
Me

2558141 You know rape is against law, do you? And do you know what it does to victims afterwards?!

Guns explosions cannons missiles nukes ICBMs oh yes it makes me hard to think about it!

I liked it. Well done!

2468048 In this story it's portrayed that because the gryphons are aligned with the dragons they have the potential power to challenge the iron hoof of Celestia. Celestia would continue to negotiate due to the willingness of the Gryphon king of course. I thought this was pretty interesting actually, considering most times we know Celestia to have ultimate power.. but I guess it's been canonically proven before.. you know.. that one time with Chrysalis

2374900 "Bioshock infinite has the greatest ending to any game I've ever played." .. ditto, absolutely! *claps*

2374424 SEASON 4!

TheCamel, this story.. this is fucking.. GOLD! By FAR the second best clopfic ever written! Behind Romance Reports of course! HAHA! oh god, sorry, couldn't help myself! Seriously though, the amount of well planned consideration that was put into this, made it an absolute pleasure to read.. literally? OK! DONE NOW! I have a question and an offer though.. and sorry if I missed the answer elsewhere, but did you have any help with proofreading? I ask because I did find a couple places where I could see room for improvement, sentence-sense flow, or an odd word or few. If you don't have a solid proofreader, or if you would like, I could re-read and offer any advice I can.. or perhaps with the squeal! Nevertheless a masterpiece! Cheers!, and looking forward to all future pieces!

! ! ! ! ! !

okay so my thoughts of the story:

Chapter 1 : Okayyy
Chapter 2: Oh gawd
Chapter 3-5: Okay getting used to it....
Chapter 6-10 : Yep very used to it .... and sorta liking it too

Story 2 - 3 : Yay more sequels ! and rape ... but no thankfully no fluttershy rape plz

Spitfire's going to get some revenge on those motherbuckers! I hope she lets Dash in on the slaughter. Damn, that is not a very healthy relationship if you ask me. Dashie Dashie Dashie... I think you need a nice visit to a psychiatrist. And hell, what I hope to see is that, after Mr. Anonymous idiot tells Rainbow that Spitfire had to deal with a similar trial, Dash and Spitfire have beautiful lesbian sex. It's my favorite pairing, give me a break! Anyway, seriously an amazing first story in the trilogy. I'll be reading the other two before the end of the week hopefully. Well, you'll be seeing more of me soon enough! Keep up the great writing Camel!

~SolidFire

If I understand right:
RD pleasures him, so he wouldn't leave her.
Interesting.

P.S Liked it! [Likebutton]

WARNING!!! Part three had the audience choose the way the plot progressed. They went full retard at the end and made a choice that would OBVIOUSLY lead to a bad ending so the whole thing ends in disaster. Permanently. All because the voters are FUCKING MORONS. God I'm pissed about wasting my time with this when the ending makes everything that happened pointless. Fucking cunting shitting fucking FUCK!!! God I'm pissed! What a waste of time!!!

Deleting The Walrus God's Comment? Man you are wronger then Micheal Bay when he has aids.

5429639

I don't delete comments. I do know certain mods will delete flame/spam comments.

5429889

That's Unusual.

6733344

6733379 Glad to see you liked it

this is 400th fav, well done good sir

I've read this such a long time ago and I don't know if I ever commented.
But: Well done Sir.

Wow 10 years since you wrote this