Simultaneously able to type 94 wpm and still take five years to finish a story. If you're feeling generous, throw a ko-fi at me.
Maybe having a cutie mark really isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Don't misunderstand. Exercising your special talent is great for you (and feels good, too); but they say nothing good in life is free, and they mean it.
[snippets of life; not all characters tagged]
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is an interesting concept, and well-executed here. I especially enjoyed Cheerilee and Apple Bloom.
Nice I would like to see more at some point but I don't get AJ's problem.
2071838
Thanks! Cheerilee was fun to write for.
2071913
She just gets aches and sprains in her legs easier than most ponies; and when you work with your legs all day every day, it adds up quickly.
I didn't really get the concept. It seems to be the idea that your special talent is not always a wonderful thing. Let me try to write a critique for this. It was an unusual story, so I probably am going to miss the point.
The first thing I noticed is the occasional numbers in parentheses. While the tidbits were interesting at the end, once I knew what you were talking about, they really did not work well with the story. It was rather jarring to suddenly run headlong into them right out of nowhere in the middle of the text. I'm only slightly exaggerating here, but they made me care more about the numbers than the rest of the story. I figured that they must have been something important, or you were trying to be clever in writing a cipher or hidden message. Nope- it was only author notes. The notes could have been slipped into the story itself with minimal difficulty. In the future, I advise strongly against doing anything to break the flow of your story.
Your characterization was all quite good and effective. You used few words, but conveyed the point very effectively. None of the characters seemed out of sorts, although Zecora being pyrophobic was definitely new to me. I really don't get why that was even in there, or what it had to do with cutie marks. As much as I like Zecora, that segment seemed to happen with an almost audible clunk. Twilight and Spike were done perfectly. I like the idea of there being downsides to using magic and how it can be hard on the body. The rest were more or less good.
A big complaint I have with the fic, is that much of it felt insubstantial. You go through about 11 characters in about 2200 words. I'd be able to think of more citicism for it if it just had more substance. Too much was attempted in too little time. You'd set up a scene with characters, but it would often be over before we could even invest ourselves in the characters or their struggles. The result was that I ended up feeling apathetic roughly just over halfway through the story. There was no central point, so you could have focused on many different characters. However, without one strong, defining theme, it all felt like a series of brief musings all through into one fic. If you want to keep the large cast herd, then you desperately need to add a lot more content to the story. If you want to trim it down to give emphasis on a few characters, then cut out what is weak and underdeveloped. I honestly felt like I was reading a weaker version of Fever Dreams http://www.fimfiction.net/story/38172/fever-dreams by The Descendant, or The Living Is Easy http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2308/1/the-living-is-easy/the-living-is-easy also by The Descendant.
I know what you were trying to do, and you partially succeeded. You managed to create a reflective mood. However, the narrative was far too scattered to draw the reader in. There's not much of a hook to get a reader interested. You do have some interesting points which demand attention, but they're not enough to really keep one reading. The pacing and flow are inconsistent. Your story has a slow pace. This is not inherently a bad thing. The issue is that I couldn't tell exactly what you were trying to do. The pacing could at times be meditative, which is ideal for this sort of story; make the reader feel like they are in a dream, but you end up stretching out some scenes too much. Zecora's scene comes to mind. This just makes them boring. However, other scenes are just much too quick. The scene with Featherweight comes to mind. It just moves too quickly. It breaks the mood you had established, and before the audience settles into the faster pace, you're back down to a cruising speed.
I think that you did a good job on this story. It's not bad. However, it's also not something that I'd label as good. It's merely alright. You have potential, and could do much better with both more practice in writing and doing revisions prior to publication. You get 3/5 flutteryays.
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3/5 is still better than I did in my last chem test, so I'm ok with this.
As for concept, I was trying for "cutie marks are good, but nothing good in life is free". I tried to emphasize in Twilight and Applejack's scenes how they knew it wasn't painless, but exercising their talents brought enough personal fulfillment that it was worth the discomfort.
....Yeah. It's not one I'd expect to see on the show anytime soon.
"only author notes"? I tried to make them relevant and funny...
There was one series I read where the narrator's little footnote asides were so good that I would stop mid-sentence to jump down and read them. I'm obviously not at that caliber yet... So you suggest no numbers for better flow or just leave them out entirely?
Zecora's pyrophobia (this is my new favorite word of the day) is a bit of a stretch, but I didn't think it was that much of one. Every chemistry lab I've been in uses a hotplate to get our reactants warm enough to, well, react; and I assumed Zecora would, too. I'm also assuming that her cutie mark is for brewing these potions, which technically has neither been confirmed or denied (it is very possible she's, say, an astronomer who picked up potion-mixing so she'd have something to do in the daytime). Although no actual screenshots of her hut show a real fire burning under the pot, I think that to get her potions to steam like that, she had to have made a fire sometime. (which technically she did and kindof renders this section un-canon but hey)
I think you can tell that I liked writing some scenes better than others. I did intend for quick switches and brief musings, mainly because I was hoping people would then start wondering what else was wrong with other ponies, and then the story would continue in your mind. Problem is, just like you said, if there's not enough development, there's no point to even having the characters and their troubles (reminds me of why the original airplane pilot was cut from The Incredibles).
Frankly, I think The Descendant is a great author. I think his stories excel at being moving and profound without being overly flashy or actiony, so I will take the fact that you used my name and his in the same sentence as a compliment.
I wanted Featherweight to be silent, and his dad to just say Yeeah, because I thought it was funny. Looking back again, that really was a quick scene, especially how it got resolved. That's probably my biggest "eh..." of the chapter. I bet it would work better visually.
Personally, I liked Zecora's scene, mainly because that's kindof how I felt trying to get on a roller coaster for the first time. I knew it shouldn't scare me, I knew I'd get out just fine, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, though I tried for what felt like an hour (but was probably closer to only seven minutes).
And yes, I did ride one. Eventually.
So taking away from this critique: leave out the numbers, develop the characters more, try to keep a steady pace throughout, and practice more. These I can do.
Thanks for taking the time to review!
2075752
That's essentially what I said. Thank you for taking criticism so well.
My flutteryay grade scale. It is always x/5 flutteryays.
Awful. I had to fight and struggle my way through the story. I certainly groaned audibly several times, lamented the lack of booze on hand, and spent several minutes ranting to myself that something so awful should not be able to exist. Reserved for the truly bad fics.
Bad. I probably won't bring this up with my therapist, but I did not enjoy it. I probably groaned while reading the fic. This score is for fics that I don't think are terrible, but certainly have a lot of problems. I certainly wouldn't read them for fun. Somewhat uncommon rating.
Competent. I would not mind reading this fic further, or giving it another look. I might have groaned or facepalmed only once or twice along the way. I can't find anything to either recommend it or condemn it. These fics are okay and lack impact. common.
Delightful. I like this fic and enjoyed reading it. I may come back later in order to revisit the story. I didn't groan along the way. I can name more things done correctly than things done poorly. Still not fantastic or special. Not unheard of.
Epic. I really loved reading through this fic and I'll probably do it again. I can't really find any issues with it, so any attempt to critique it will decay into praise. This fic is not simply good, but is also extremely memorable. Incredibly rare.
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Yeah I'm a huge Pterry fan too, but unfortunately his style of footnotes just don't work in non-print media. I have almost all of his works in paperback, and a couple for Kindle. The Kindle makes the footnotes... not work. So it's not you.
All in all,good stuff.
2076423
You took the time to write out a critique with the intent of helping me improve. The least I can do is consider your suggestions.
2076698
I also liked Jonathan Stroud's footnotes in the Bartimaeus Trilogy.
2080453
You're very welcome. I just do this for writers if I think that I have something to say, or if they ask for feedback.
If it's not too much trouble, would you mind doing a nice, big review for one of my stories? It's called Last One Standing. Thank you.
I like this! And wow, the concept of Lyra being deaf is something fascinating I've never seen before. Would you ever consider writing a story focusing on her?
2096263
Thanks!
There are a lot of random ideas bouncing around in my head... but ever since I took an ASL class, the culture has fascinated me; and Lyra has always been a favorite pony of mind. It's definitely a possibility.
just curious, is it cannon that "YEAHH" guy is featherweight's father? cuz if not, that was a stroke of brilliance on your part.
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Technically it's not, but it totally should be.
Alas, I can't take credit for that idea... it was inspired by a few different images, and I thought it was too good to pass up.
...
2272636
...?
... :D
I really want to like this story. Reading the comments, a lot of other people do too. But I have to ask...what sort of sick, sad world is this that your
"special talent" is actively detrimental to you? It's like the universe itself is trolling its inhabitants.
"Hey, this pony is deaf, so she's going to be a music prodigy!"
"Haha, that's hilarious! Do it!"
"This pony will have great skill in magic."
"But won't that make her overpowered?"
"Yeah, I guess. What if she had crippling headaches whenever she used magic?"
"That sounds good. Balance her out and all that."
2850212
I... I really don't know... It originally spawned as 'getting a cutie mark is overrated...' and just kindof went on to become a crapsack world from there.
Even I don't know how my mind works sometimes.