This story takes place anywhere from a few months to a year of Frostfyre's birth in Motherhood is Magic. In this story, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle will have to face their own hardships on their way to motherhood. The question that stands now is, will they be able to handle it?
Thanks goes to celestail-lights (http://celestial-lights.deviantart.com/) for the cover art.
A/N: I would like apologize ahead of time if the time lines don't add up just right or some events are missing out of a story that were in other stories, it can be somewhat difficult and irritating to get them to line up perfectly AND have them flow with the story. And if you get confused about the age differences, it should be this: Frostfyre is three months older than AJ's kid, AJ's kid is three weeks older than FS's kid, FS's kid is a month older than RD's kid, RD's kid is two months older than PP's kid, and PP's kid is a month older than TS's kid.
Oh Fluttershy, you so crazy
I must say I D'aaaaawed hard with this, I was really hoping you to write this story
I thought I'd give you some contructive feedback here; help you improve a bit.
First off, you start the story with the weather. That is a really cliche and amateur way to start a story, and it's generally frowned upon. Try to start stories with something that will hook the reader. The weather doesn't really do that.
Secondly, you have a lot more tell than show. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the show rule, but you need to do it. It immerses the reader into the world and story you're telling. It gives it depth and makes it much more interesting. Writing is not about telling the reader that it's raining; it's about making the reader feel as if they were being rained upon.
That's all I could see with a brief first glance. If you need examples or elaboration, feel free to send me a PM.
When you do Pinkie Pie, are you going to pair her with Pokey Pierce?
Please
Really like these, by the way
404049 No Pinkie and Twilight are gonna have their own OC mates, srry man. And thanks!
403371 So the feedback, is it just for Ch 3 or for the whole story? And yea I know the weather thing is amateurish, but I'm a rookie with writing. Don't worry, I'll improve by my next story. And no, I don't think I'm familiar with the show rule
Thanks for the feedback though!
Sounds like Quest is a dead stallion. I knew he was gonna leave as soon as he said that he was going to stay at the house.
Fuck this gay earth, now im so darn sad, that I just want to cry, but being who I am, hatred prevents such a thing.
Nice chapter, I can't wait to read the rest.
Good chapter overall but I feel the scootaloo was a bit rushed. Can't wait for the Next chapter
404481 It's for the first chapter. The show rule is basically to imply things instead of just telling the person something happened. It's to make the reader feel as if they were there, actually sensing what the character is sensing. For example:
Twilight was tired because she had stayed up too late the night before reading an old astronomy textbook, and that was making her letter to Princess Celestia very difficult to write.
I don't know what you think, but for me, that version's a loser. The information is there, but it isn't elegant. It's like the Burj Kalifa with all the glass broken and half the concrete falling apart. It's there, but it isn't, you know, awesome.
For what seemed like the hundredth time, Twilight's head drooped towards the wrinkled yellow parchment lying on the desk before her. As her snout touched down with a painful thump, the purple-furred unicorn's head snapped back up, her eyes widening in shock for a second or two before crumpling into a scowl. She'd been sitting here for, what, twenty minutes now? And all she had to show for it was a splitting headache and a single line at the top of her paper: "Dear Princess Celestia..."
Twilight snorted and brought a hoof up to her forehead, the air feeling thick as molasses as she tried to lift her foreleg all the way up to her frazzled maneline. This wasn't that hard. This couldn't possibly be that hard. She'd been writing these letters every other Tuesday for the past year now, and she'd never had one single, solitary problem with it. And now: nothing. Her brain was on lockdown, and her eyes felt like something had dusted them with sand overnight. She could almost hear Spike's gratingly disapproving tone: Serves you right for staying up so late with your horn stuck in some chemistry textbook.
"First of all, it was astronomy," Twilight mumbled through clenched teeth at the reproachful baby dragon inside her head. "And second of all..."
A rogue beam of sunlight glanced off a nearby vase and flared out across the desk, sending Twilight's stomach into a tailspin. "...just shut up," she finished as her head fell onto her letter again. This time, it stayed there.
See? That is implying that Twilight is tired, instead of stating it outright. And yet, we get the same information from it. It immerses the reader into the story and brings them down to the character's level, instead of leaving them feeling like an overhead observer given minimal pieces of information, who will soon get bored. This changes what could have been a dull piece of work into a deep, engaging story.
414200 Well darn... I guess I got a loooong ways to go then.
DAH! IS GOOD TIME TO BE BIG MACINTOSH, THE STALLIONGRAD PONY IN DISGUISE!
*Squeeing in a low voice* Soarin', Scootaloo, and Rainbow Dash, hell yeah son, makes me want to play Gears of War and whoop some flank.
*Squeeing in a low voice* Soarin', Scootaloo, and Rainbow Dash, hell yeah son, makes me want to play Gears of War and whoop some flank.
On the verge of heart attack, I am, the best story this is not, but still very cute, it is.
This is cheesy as hell but oddly enough, it goes
My only criticism at the moment is that it's hard to keep track of when each of these story lines are taking place. I can only assume that they're being written in order of when each of the foals are born. But it's hard to tell when each of the chapters are taking place when they start. I mean, I think that chapter 2 starts off before chapter 1 starts off. And time wise, I assume chapter 3 starts off last (so far). Basically, each chapter is it's own story so far.
Criticisms aside, I'm loving how the story is coming along so far. I can't wait to see the next chapters. I'm almost afraid to know what kind of stallion will be paired with Pinkie Pie. He's gonna have to be either really patient in order to deal with her, or he has to be just as insane as her. And the latter is a scary thought.
636569 At first, I tried writing the chapters to start off relatively around the same place so the foals are about the same age, give or take a few months. But that became tiresome and somewhat irritating, so yes, each chapter is like it's own little story but I also try to make it part of one big story overall.
637416
Yeah, I understood that the individual stories were part of a greater story. It's just a little disorienting trying to figure out when the start of each of the chapters take place.
And I also pointed out that I was afraid to see who Pinkie will be paired with. But now I'm thinking that it might be scarier to think of what kind of foal Pinkie would have.
637820 Oh just imagine the stallion and foal almost exactly like Pinkie Pie, but different color scheme and as unicorns
637945
A Pinkie Pie-like character as a unicorn? I'd say that's even scarier than what I originally imagined. Imagine Pinkie Pie's randomness combined with unicorn magic. Or maybe somehow integrating Pinkie Pie's 'Pinkie Sense' with unicorn magic. Or her Pinkie Sense and her randomness with magic. I think there's a reason why they didn't make Pinkie Pie a unicorn.
637968 Well the idea is yes, they'll be random, love pranking, and can do some very 'unusual' things. But the unicorns won't misuse their powers... much
Aww such acute chapter :)
I have to give this chapter the credit it deserves (as if I don't already do that). First of all, I have to give credit on your take on Pinkie's personality. I wouldn't necessarily say her personality is hard to do. But having her as the main focus and managing her personality so well can be a challenge. Second, I have to give credit on Surprise. It's one thing to make a male version of Pinkie Pie. But it's an entirely different thing to make a male version of Pinkie Pie WITHOUT it being a carbon copy. Surprise has so much in common with Pinkie Pie, but at the same time is so unique. He has his own version of a Pinkie sense, but they're different senses with different actions. He always cheery, but he's calmer. He is the male version of Pinkie Pie, but he's not just a gender swap. He is his own unique character. Third, Pinkie Pie in a relationship. In my opinion, it's extremely hard to imagine Pinkie in a relationship without it either being an awkward relationship or having Pinkie Pie out of character. But you've managed to make Pinkie's relationship look like something that I would've seen in an actual episode. And I suppose that has to do with how much she has in common with Surprise.
My only complaint is a minor one, and it's really just me nitpicking from my personal opinions. But I thought that Pinkie Pie's personality while pregnant wasn't quite fitting. First of all, when she first found out she was pregnant, her reaction wasn't what I would expect. I didn't expect her to be fully like herself, but her reaction was too much like what you would expect from anyone who found out they were pregnant. I would've expected her to be a mix of emotions. I would see her has having her normal Pinkie Pie excitement and all of her happy emotions, but I would also expect a 'how did this happen' type of confusion, and fear out of not knowing how to handle it. But then again, she did tell Surprise a few days after she found out. So perhaps during those few days, she has been feeling those emotions. And when she told him, I suppose you could see a hint of that confusion and fear. (Look at me. I'm nitpicking at my own nitpicking.) As for when she went into labor, her reaction wasn't what I expected. I mean, I don't really know what I'd expect, it's just that that wasn't it. It was just too generic of a reaction to be a Pinkie Pie reaction. Then again, her first thought was to get Surprise, then go to the hospital instead of just going strait to the hospital. So I suppose that would be a Pinkie Pie reaction. (I can't even nitpick without finding a way around it.)
And I couldn't resist making this tongue twister... Pinkie Pie, Ponyville's Pregnant Party Pony. I could think of several different alternate ways of saying that. But in my opinion, that's the best way to say it using only words that start with P.
822846 Thank you for the compliment and the nitpicking. I was actually afraid of writing Pinkie because in reality, her personality and reactions compared to my own are almost complete opposites. There are parts in the chapter where I felt like I was trying too hard, but thank you nonetheless. I'm sorry if her reactions for her pregnancy and labor seemed generic, I was starting to fear that the chapter was becoming too long for people and they would lose interest, plus I was running out of ideas for how she would react without it seeming overly done. Glad you enjoyed it though!
822884 Well like I said, Pinkie Pie's a challenge to begin with. And even though I commented on how Pinkie wasn't acting exactly like herself while she was pregnant, you also have to take into consideration that sometimes pregnancy does to that to people. And like I said, if I used the theory that she acted like I said she would off screen, then I can claim to see the residual emotions when she did tell him. And really, you can't really predict how any of them would truly react if they were pregnant. It's like trying to predict what the season 3 finale will be like when you're in the middle of season 2. So considering that you technically have nothing to go by other than what you know from the show, you did a good job at interpreting it.
822951 Well thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
omygoshomygoshomygoshomygoshomygoshomygoshomygosh
a new chapter
I thought Quest left Applejack, so why is Quest still here?
827608 All the chapters essentially take place at the same time. So when Pinkie played the prank on Applejack, it was while Quest and Applejack were dating. Hence Quest mentioning AJ's "condition" (her pregnancy even though it's in the early stages).
827798 Now I get it, it was confusing me for a while.
I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna- damn it. Quest is totally dead!
863583 You spelled Applejack wrong in your name.
when Mac was in the everfree, I thought he was looking for Quest, but this works too. This was so D'AWWWWW!
once again, you have given me the diabeetus. carry on.
this is sweet! can't wait for Twilight's chapter!
863867 You may not like Twilight's chapter. But glad you've liked the story so far.
863925 why won't I like it?!?! Please tell me she doesn't get raped. That would totally suck!
864649 No no, I'm not a big fan of rape stories. She's just gonna have her heart broken though.
I didn't know you had a sequel up. Good work.
964058 Thanks.
This is awesome
My favorite was Soarin Rainbows
The others were good also
1004448 What did you like about Soarin' Rainbows?
1011269 Well, it's just that it is my favorite shipping idea since the last episode
Hoping that I would've commented on this chapter weeks ago hmm? (Cause I really loved this story like a long while ago((still favorited)) ) Do you like expectations being met hmm? Are you a bitch that likes expectations of readers being met? Well, that's good, 'cause you're not gonna find any readers expectations being met.... *Trap door opens up and you drop into a Moon Launch Cannon*
ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BEE-YEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!
1154247 Wat?
1156026 This should tell you what i'm talkin' about.
I can't wait for twilight because twilight is mah favorite pony
1178427 Got some bad news for ya then. Once I get over my writer's block, she's gonna have her heart broken
1181212 oh well that sad to hear
by the way when is the next chapter gonna come out?
1182768 When I get over my writer's block. I, for the life of me, can't figure how to construct the story.
Oh ok well good luck with life and this story