• Member Since 15th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 19th, 2015

Ironhoof


E

This is the revised version of my original story. Hopefully you guys like it!

This is the story of Rarity, Ponyville's famous dress maker and fashionista, and the trial she has to face on her way to motherhood.

Dedz to ThatGirl2147 for helping me fix up the story and Dedz to kkpmakeup (glittering-pony on deviantart: http://glittering-pony.deviantart.com/) for the cover art.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 149 )

Too litttle to form an opinion on this yet, but I'll do it anyways


NEEDS MOAR CHAPTERS

BUT WHICH CUTIE MARK CRUSADER IS THE FATHER

Ugh..... UPDATES.... The story needs them ;) I hate cliffhangers!

But which dress is the daddy?! :pinkiegasp:

5 bits its SPIKE :raritystarry:

140971>>140979

Considering that Rarity loves herself more than anything on the planet, I would have to say that the daddy is a rule 63 Rarity :raritywink:

140971 the real question is, BUT WHO WAS PHONE???

oh wait, this didnt involve phones at all. :twilightblush: -flees awkward situation-

More chapters please

Hmmmm, so far it's off to a good start

All I'll right now is keep writing, you've got my interest:raritystarry:

141005
Elusive from On a Cross and Arrow?

My interest is piqued. Please, continue.
Now to find my monocle...

Rule 7. Called it.

Good so far. Can't wait to see what happens next. Definitely tracking this one.

Seems to move a bit too quickly IMO. Then again, I never really liked Rarity, so I may be biased.

141033 agreed:ajsmug:

Your prose structure is dandy, I only have minor style and flow suggestions:
Rather than narrating that something happened "suddenly", have a character or characters react to the surprising event.
Keep related character reaction in one sentence. i.e. Rarity's reaction to seeing the knock on the door was the other two CMC fillies; "Rarity started to say then trailing off. She noticed it was Sweetie Belle’s friends..." could be "Rarity started but trailed off when she saw it was Sweetie Belle’s friends..."
Key events should be introduced at the start of a paragraph. This helps folks skimming your story find the important stuff, and it helps people fully reading your story keep up with your story's focus. i.e. Rarity's becoming ill happened mid-paragraph and it's a nexus for your story. Deserves the attention of being a lead sentence. :twilightsmile:
I'm interested in seeing how this story unfolds. Trackin'!

Yep, more chapters. For a "first story ever" this is very promising.

-One minor thing I noticed was the way you switch between past and present tense. It might be better to keep the past tense for the whole story, as it is a narrative and not the telling of an anecdote.

-"said Rarity, a white unicorn with a deep blue mane and tail and sapphire eyes"
I'm not a fan of descriptions, so it might just be a personal preference, but I would say everyone here knows what Rarity looks like, and those who don't just need to know for now that she's a white unicorn pony. Other details may be casually thrown in later. Again, that's just what I feel.

-I'm not sure there really is such a thing as a "childish voice". I'd rather say something like " “Coming sis!” responded the even sweeter voice of a young foal"

I just wanted to say thank you everyone for all the comments, I'm a little surprise at how many people like it seeing as how it was just some random thought I had and made up as I went along. As for updates, I have the story already finished, I'm just going to publish one a day or every other day so I can make sure to fix any mistakes you guys find and take into account any recommendations. Again thank you all so much! :twilightsmile::pinkiehappy:

So far so good! :pinkiehappy: Just wondering who/what is the father!!

NOOOO!!!!! POST UPDATES NOW!!!!1!!1!!!!one!!1!!!!!

True to herself, Pinkie Pie's "sentence" when talking to Rarity breaks a few boundaries and ends up ... going out of the document...

WHO IS THE FATHER????

OH THE DOUBT!!!
OH THE AGONY OF THE WAITING!!!

>.>
<.<
Is it :moustache:, :eeyup: or some other unknow guy?

Dont rush it... This is a mistake writers make often. When you take half an hour to write a chapter of a story you dont get a good chapter. Wonder why books come out a year apart? Thats why! They have multiple 500 word chapters that they take a month each to work on! So dont work too fast. Pace yourself.

WHO IS THE FATHER and please post a chapter telling spikes emotions when he finds :twilightblush:out ::pinkiehappy:moustache:

141298 Oh shi-! Sorry I didn't notice that, I'll fix it right away.

WHO IS THE FATHER and please post a chapter telling spikes emotions when he finds out :twilightblush:::pinkiehappy::moustache:

Hmmm... I could name a few of the male backgorund ponies, Doctor Whooves, Caramel, Prince Blueblood, Fancypants, Pokey Pierce, Bareburn... and that's all I know or could spell.

I believe it is important tommention this: Dr. Feelgood is a slang term for drugdealer. That's why Mötley Crüe's song "Dr. Feelgood" is about drug dealing. Just thought it would be important for you to know that Dr. Feelgood has nothing to do with helping people.

Horse gestation is actually around 11 months. Also if it's Elusive THE BABY WILL BE A CLONE :pinkiegasp:

141370 I'll see what I can do. I was too focused on getting my initial thoughts down that I didn't really think about how Spike might react. But again, I'll go through my other chapters while editing and see if I can fit him in.

One typo - the plural of 'iris' is 'irises'.

An interesting start to the story, which I think I shall follow!

141422 Funny story about that. When coming up with the character, I was listening to the song Dr. Feelgood, it also just sounded like a good name to use in my head.

141423 Or possibly the Kwisatz Haderach.

This is cute, I dunno why but stories with foals are incredibly high on my list of favorites, usually 'cos they are super cute stories!

The tension! Oh, but I'm satisfied for now.
"looking at you 6, I'm pretty sure you're old enough to know how foals are conceived and born."
If not, read a clopfic. :fluttershbad:

Must resist urge...to .....INSATRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting idea, and well done so far. Hopefully the next parts'll be just as good.

141579
xD win.
Good story so far! MUST KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS!

BUT WHO IS THE FATHER

10 bucks says it's Fancypants.

So I was looking through the comments and editing my chapters. I noticed you guys like cliffhangers, so I decided to post one more chapter for all your guys' support. But don't think of it as me toying with ya'll, think of it as a thank you so far for reading and enjoying my story. :trollestia:

WHO IS THE FATTHHEERRR

i must know

*gasp*

the father is rule 63 vinyl scratch, who is now a pegasus!

Hmm, Rarity has a pegasus stalker... How interesting.

exciting so far. Almost reminds of "knocked up" in a way. I wonder who this mysterious pegasus is. He seems a little broken hearted.

I'm still wondering how these two even met.

goo

:moustache: Spike forgot protection.

Where did you guys get the "father is a Pegasus" from? Did I miss something?

141445 you have good taste in music

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