Oh boy, a human goes to Equestria, how totally original, I bet no one's ever thought of that before!
Twenty-one-year-old John Barrings lives a simple life. A simple life, but a happy life. He has no family to have to deal with, except for his Father who disappear long ago, only to return later, feel "super guilty" about abandoning John to his Uncle, and begin sending him money.
John doesn't know where the money comes from, and he doesn't care; it means that he doesn't have to work very much. He plays video games, watches awesome movies. He likes his simple life.
One day, while doing what he does best-play video games-John's life is completely turned over, in an event that will change his life, and the lives of a few happy, talking Ponies as well...
Despite the general idea, this seems a bit original. Except for the fact that there are asylum stories and HIE stories, but I haven't seen some one mix them before.
1934763
Good, that's the reaction that I was hoping to get.
Good so far but, you gotta elongate the other chapters to come. This one kinda felt short. Other than that it's a good beginning
1934776
Eyup, I know, I was just thinking about that.
Don't forget to upvote!
Coke is better.
1934974
...and that's when you get put into an asylum yourself.
Just kidding
1934974
Don't forget to upvote, see those bars? They are disturbingly equal, help me a bit in the battle will ya?
Its average as of now but you will prob improve. Folwin and likin
1935008
Oh yes, I have big plans for this story, you made a wise choice
Before I pass judgement on this fic in this comment I'd like to say that you obviously know how to write at a decent level, you show some skill at putting your ideas down but sometimes the execution seems a bit awkward.
For example the opening of the story shows that you have the idea to give your character some back story before you jump into the plot, but the information doesn't feel necessary at that point in time. People don't want to read about what kind of music a character likes in the first couple sentences of a story unless they know it'll be crucial to the theme of the story in the long run. Also his life doesn't sound like the sort of life the story calls for, the whole situation with his family in the opening doesn't add into anything at this point. Maybe if it was brought up later in a conversation about family it would work but it feels out of place at the beginning of the story. Plus talking about his thoughts on his boss just felt weird, even if it was only for half a sentence. Overall the issue just seems like you want to put in too much information too fast, which I must say is a much better situation then the alternative.
On a side note I love the idea, very original but if I could hazard a guess you were at least semi-inspired by "Asylum"?
You get a thumbs up and three smiling Pinkie's out of five:
1935140
HOW DID YOU KKNNNOOOWWW? Yes, I totally was, and...what you're saying makes a lot of sense, thanks for the feedback!
Eh... what to say about this piece, I wonder.
Well, allow me to start off by saving off the bat that it is not bad. However, does it pass the level of 'medicore'? Let's delve into it, shall we? Since there is not a large amount for me to work with, I'll just try my best and bounce about different issues I picked up as I read through this after it peaked my interest on the home page.
I. Pacing
This here, is something the chapter rather lacked. While it did give enough information and wasn't all over the place in its narrative, at the same time I felt as if it could had been expanded upon. Plus, it felt like certain things were said that didn't exactly need to be said. Now, that last piece right there is rather subjective due to me having utterly no clue where this is going. If I did, I suppose I could be more sure about whether specific parts needed to go or not.
II. Plot
Right, this is something I really shouldn't be trying to delve into at this point. But, for the record; I personally believe it left more to be desired. The cliff-hanger seemed cheap, especially so. Next chapter, I highly recommend just going full-throttle and making it a decent length (average that is highly praised is three-to-five thousand). Details wouldn't hurt you either.
III. Writing Style
Normally, this is something I would refrain from commenting on until a later time. However, I felt that the advice of spacing would do you some good. While I applaud your effort to consistently indent, the fact of the matter is that all that tightness of the text is rather straining and daunting. Throwing some spaces in between the paragraphs helps significantly with making everything seem not as cluttered. Oh. And your tenses swap a whole bunch between present and past. It's best just to choose one.
Conclusion:
And, that's all I wrote (for now, anyway). I must admit; while the writing hasn't floored me, the concept has provided me with some interest. Not a huge amount, but it is enough for me to watch it for a while. Since I'm at it, I'll give you a like to help ya out for now. Here's hoping you write more, and that the quality improves (thought whether that's a result of myself or not will remain to be seen).
Arrivederci.
-Dumbgamer99, Novice Concrit for the Organization 'Under The Bridge'
1935166
Haha it was too obvious to not comment on.
But honestly just work on showing us the characters and not just telling us about them and you'll be that much better for it, the narration is good and has a few witty moments that made me chuckle a bit to myself because I'm a sucker for narrative humor.
Anyway keep up the good work, this site needs more asylum fics.
1935210
I freaking love you...I do...I really do...
I will take all of your advice next chapter...though to do it correctly, I might have to break my writing pledge of having at least one chapter out daily...
Hey, I don't really know how this works, but would you be willing to preview my chapters before I publish them? You seem like the perfect man for the job.
And I love Disturbed, cheers!
1935242
Sure, I have no issue helping a fellow writer out. Especially when they have potential. If you want, all you need to do is PM me the link to your unpublished chapter when you're finished with it, and I could provide a comment that would be able to be deleted when it was time for posting. Though, you will need to have a set password for your story.
Don't know how to do this? Not a problem! Just go and 'edit' your story itself (not the chapter), and there will be a option for you to put in a password. Save it, and tag it along with the link to the chapter. Badda-boom! I can help.
As for your pledge of daily chapters, that is mostly personal preference, friend. When I mentioned the praised-average of three-to-five thousand, that may have been just speaking to myself. I've seen many a good fictions who had short and simple chapters. Still though, some expansion would most likely be appreciated by any fans you lure in. Write at a pace you're comfortable with, and one that you feel doesn't detract from quality.
PM me if you're still interested about me being your pre-reader (or if you really wanted my full help, your editor), and I'll help when available. Cheers as well!
"A Human in an Equestrian Asylum". Where is the asylum, i can't see one. Is there something wrong with me?
1947253
Hehe, no, he'll be going there soon
This made my day.
awesome update.....now i need moar...sorry
NYES.
If mountain dew is the nectar of the gods, what is red bull?
You like wars, don't you?
CLIFFHANGER
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Will there be any pony killing?
1964548
I don't know
I like where this is going.
MOAR!!!
So, Celestia is like the idiots who believe the guys playing rpgs or Counter Strike are two steps away to become serial murderers. The false slippery slope.
I'm sorry but I've just got to say that I am not getting into this. The idea of a HIE story where the main character gets thrown into an asylum is really interesting. But because of dreaming about video games? Really? If the guy had been instantly thrown in an asylum upon arrival because the Princesses had seen visions of humanities evils that would make sense. The only way I can see this working is if Twilight analyzed our interest in violent games on a psychological level, discovered we played them because we feel constrained, want to work off pent up anger, and because we have adapted over thousands of years for survival by any means. It would take a day for somepony to realize that the idea of actually killing innocent people in real life horrifies most humans and then he would be released and they would beg for his apology. If he had been thrown into an asylum for another reason then this might work, but now it would only make sense if he was being prepared for release by the end of the next chapter and the rest of the story describing Celestias attempts to redeem herself in his eyes.
1980801
Do you have any idea how many stories involve Princess Celestia being a threat to a human because she had seen visions of humanity?
I am attempting to make this as misanthropic as possible.
Also, think about it. Have you played Nazi Zombies? Do you know how violent it is? Princess Celestia is the ruler of a happy world filled with pretty pink ponies. Imagine what the aspect of members of a specific party who, in life, murdered millions of people because of their ethnicity, and then coming back to life, with not control of their bodies, and no pain to devour the living, would make her think.
She doesn't care if its just a simulation, it was made by human hands, and the he willingly partook of it.
And, last bit, I know Celestia's logic if flawed. That's the whole point of the story, thats what the main character is going to utilize to try and get him his rights back.
1980996 Ok, that mostly makes sense, although I do hate it when people say Equestria is peaceful, happy, and all pink rainbows. What about all the killer mythological creatures, what about con men (Flim and Flam), what about the Diamond Dogs, what about the continous tirade of threats re-emerging after thousands of years, what about the existence of a guard force that is on alert 24/7, what about the existence of Tarturus a location that has the sole purpose of keeping evils imprisoned. However I do concede to your point.
What I want to know is how Twilight is going to react to this. I can understand Celestia, but not RTwilight accepting this flawed logic. It's just that this chapter concerned me because of how Twilight reacted and my fear that you are going to show my favourite character not seeing the flaws in Celestias logic.
Edit: Also yes, I have played Nazi Zombies.
1981084
I used the term' happy pink ponies' because that's exactly what they are, regardless of the existence of monsters.
Their world is quite indeed peaceful compared to our's.
Edit: Good, Nazi Zombies is awesome
If it was my dreams the princess's looked in
They would see in Armour fighting against Taphus Cores III [Lethe] and IV [Geras] and the Di-Taphus Cores's I [Thanatos] and II [Nemesis]
1981208 Ok, but WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH TWILIGHT!
1981684
We'll see....
damm now i need to wait for another chapter...
P.S
why there isn't Celestia's tag?
Yay, go learning!
knowledge is power!
New chapter, now!
Relevant Heavy Metal.
Not sure how i feel about him getting sent to an asylum but since it's in the name it is kind of unavoidable. Anyways this is still pretty good in my opinion.
I'm glad this hasn't been excessively dark or tragic so far and for that I thank you