A Simple Life (Revised)
Chapter One: A Simple Life
You may notice the 'Revised' in the beginning, but not to worry. I just added a few sentences to make the story flow better, and spaced out the paragraphs. Read one, and don't forget to upvote!
Sit back, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself. I know you don't wanna hear it, but I'm bored right now, listen! We'll get to the good stuff later!
Anyway my name is John Barrings. I am twenty-one years old. I like to play video games. A lot. I also enjoy listening to Metalcore, such as August Burns Red, Lamb of God, Job for A Cowboy, oh, and I also like to listen to Dubstep.
My primary job is, or was working as a cashier at Play n' Trade. I was pretty good at it too; I was always getting raises and making sales, therefore, my boss loved me. I thought that he was pretty cool too.
My favorite video games are Battlefield 3, MineCraft, Black Ops II, Team Fortress 2, and, the newest edition, Skyrim. I had just bought it. My father had sent me a big clump of cash, again. This one was two hundred bucks. A little less than usual, but, hey, who am I to be ungrateful?
You see, when my mother died, my dad abandoned me to my Uncle. My uncle and dad were the only two remaining, known, anyway, members of my family. My uncle passed away when I was eighteen, and I simply inherited his money, used it to purchase an apartment, a car, and, when the money ran out, I got a job at a gas station, worked there for a bit, then moved up to where I am now.
Then my dad, who I guess felt super guilty, began sending me money. I have no idea where this money comes from, but, once again, who am I to be ungrateful?
I've still never met him. I've never responded to his letters, which always contain lumps of cash, because he never asked me too. The money helps; I don't have to work as much.
But, even so, I still have to work. But, even if I didn't have too, I still would, because I love my job there. Or, at least the job that I had there; I'm still not super sure if I'm going to make it back.
Why am I telling you this? I dunno, just kind of a way to pass the time.
Story time? Story time.
It all began (pretty original beginning, ya?) last night, when I was, surprise, surprise, playing video games. I sat down at my cave, powered it up, and four screens stared up at me. Yes, I am proud of my nerd cave.
Two of them belong to my Alienware m18x laptop; the main screen, and a second monitor that I have connected. The other belongs to my Powermac. Nice.
And the fourth was really nothing special, just my TV. It wasn't even a flat-screen. Disappoint. I leaned over and cracked open my mini-fridge, (HA! I have one of THOSE!) and grabbed a 20 oz can of Red Bull. (I Also have RED BULL!)
I opened it, and began gulping it down. I started up my Xbox, and my eyes scanned the games. I eventually chose good 'ole Call of Duty: World at War. I wanted to give Nazi Zombies another go, which would be the first time in a while.
After getting slaughtered on the third round, (Hey! I was used to Black Ops zombies, okay!?) I switched it out for Skyrim. The navigation-sticks was worn down much that night. I finished the rest of my Red Bull, and opened up the fridge for another one. I was let down. That was my last one. Instead, I settled for second best: Mountain Dew, bitches!
The nectar of the gods is what it is.
My last let down of that night, on Earth anyway, was that, as soon as I cracked open the can, which, much to my glee, began to steam (I love it when it does that) my chest began to get a tingling sensation, which caused me to halt the approaching can. Mtn Dew is good, but, when your chest starts randomly fizzing, if kind of makes you stop.
What...?
The can was thrown to the ground. Not in anger, not in surprise, but in pain. My body literally started jerking around in pain. Everything hurt, in both a sharp and dull pain. I never got any Mtn Dew. Damn it.
The pain began escalating, more and more. It was like a giant cramp, only all over you entire friking body!
I fell to the ground, screaming, knocking over some things, I didn't see, my eyes were fuzzy from developing tears, and, soon, my vision began to blacken. I was overcame by a wave of fatigue and, strangely, comfort. All of the pain was still there, but....it didn't bother me. It was there, but it wasn't bad. Kind of like just feeling...I don't know...a pencil in your hand.
You can feel it, but its not bad.
I'm not saying that the pain was what was comforting me. It was something else. The last thing that I ever saw was a spilled Mtn Dew can, the soda trickling out, and my green wall, plastered in some pretty nerdy posters, and my giant, potted plant.
I gave into the comfort, this strange, other-worldly comfort, and finally went *kaput*
[/hr]
Wow, you know how, in almost any movie that you watch, when someone gets knocked unconscious, and when they start coming to, they start by slowly blinking, and everything is fuzzy and whatnot? That is freaking dead on. Only, in those movies, they usually wake up in a Hospital of some sort, or in a Murdering Psychopath's lair. I woke up in neither.
I guess I couldn't really say that I woke up inside everywhere, because I did my, said, waking up outside. I didn't initially come to that conclusion by opening my eyes because I couldn't; I was literally too weak to open my eyes.
I felt warmth from a bright sun, and I heard chirping. But, I also felt a few rushes of hot air, which I could immediately classify as breaths, and, one of the things that usually come along with, breath, besides smells, are voices. By that, I mean that, if something breaths, It can probably talk, or at least make some sort of noise.
But whatever was hovering above me, there were lots of them, spoke. And they spoke English, thankfully.
Good. Wherever I was, it wasn't somewhere I would be totally lost in. Of course, that was the most incorrect thing that I have ever thought in my life. Ever.
The voices began to become clearer as I began to regain energy, I still couldn't open my eyes very wide though, and I began to catch snitches of jumbled conversation. Alien....what?...safe....pony...
Pony? What?
Suddenly, all of my energy returned. Very quickly, and I was a bit unprepared by the rush of restored energy, and I gasped, kind of violently, and..I..kind of jerked around a bit as well.
My gasping and jerking was met by gasping from whoever was surrounding me, and I heard them scuttle away. I lay still for a bit, breathing heavily. I became aware that my entire body was sore, everywhere that the pain I had experienced last night, which was everywhere.
There was a heavy headache pounding its way around my skull, and I groaned, and raised my wrist to my sweaty forehead, where it stayed for a bit.
There were a few more footsteps in the...gravel? that was around me. I heard the trickling of a fountain next to me. I was probably in some sort of park. I removed my wrist, but still didn't open my eye; my energy was gone again for some reason.
There were more footsteps and I could see through my eyelids. I saw a silhouette, probably a head.
"...are...are you alright mister?" came the voice from directly above me. Female.
I took a big, sigh, and responded, "Uh...yeah...yeah I'm fine, just a bit sore. And I got a nasty migraine..."
The crowd around me began muttering. What, were unaccustomed to random people showing up in their park, and claiming to have a headache.
I chuckled, and finally opened my eyes, and, HEY! Guess what!? These weren't people! My pupils did the natural thing: dilate and I gasped. Directly above me was the concerned face of a...purple unicorn? It did have the unicorn trademark, which was a horn, in case you didn't know.
It looked weird too. The texture wasn't...real. It brought to mind a cartoon. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts.
"Heh, guess I passed out harder than I originally thought..."
The face, which, while weird and cartoony....and purple, was friendly, and it smiled.
"Well, then that means just about every citizen in Ponyville has passed out at least equally harder; there's an alien in our park."
Ponyville? I smiled. I must be dead. Is this heaven? Or is it hell? Right now, I was having a hard time telling. A world filled with small, magical, talking unicorns made it a bit hard to land a conclusion on either of those right now.
I finally sat up, which made the unicorn draw back a little. I looked around. Everything was a freaking cartoon, and there were a lot of ponies. Not all were unicorns though; some had wings, but no horns, others had horns, but no wings, and others had neither. I smiled a bit and passed out again.
Hey! I just blacked out in my apartment only to wake up and end up being surrounded by talking ponies, cut me some slack, okay!?
Chapter End
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Despite the general idea, this seems a bit original. Except for the fact that there are asylum stories and HIE stories, but I haven't seen some one mix them before.
1934763
Good, that's the reaction that I was hoping to get.
Good so far but, you gotta elongate the other chapters to come. This one kinda felt short. Other than that it's a good beginning
1934776
Eyup, I know, I was just thinking about that.
Don't forget to upvote!
Coke is better.
1934974
...and that's when you get put into an asylum yourself.
Just kidding
1934974
Don't forget to upvote, see those bars? They are disturbingly equal, help me a bit in the battle will ya?
Its average as of now but you will prob improve. Folwin and likin
1935008
Oh yes, I have big plans for this story, you made a wise choice
Before I pass judgement on this fic in this comment I'd like to say that you obviously know how to write at a decent level, you show some skill at putting your ideas down but sometimes the execution seems a bit awkward.
For example the opening of the story shows that you have the idea to give your character some back story before you jump into the plot, but the information doesn't feel necessary at that point in time. People don't want to read about what kind of music a character likes in the first couple sentences of a story unless they know it'll be crucial to the theme of the story in the long run. Also his life doesn't sound like the sort of life the story calls for, the whole situation with his family in the opening doesn't add into anything at this point. Maybe if it was brought up later in a conversation about family it would work but it feels out of place at the beginning of the story. Plus talking about his thoughts on his boss just felt weird, even if it was only for half a sentence. Overall the issue just seems like you want to put in too much information too fast, which I must say is a much better situation then the alternative.
On a side note I love the idea, very original but if I could hazard a guess you were at least semi-inspired by "Asylum"?
You get a thumbs up and three smiling Pinkie's out of five:
1935140
HOW DID YOU KKNNNOOOWWW? Yes, I totally was, and...what you're saying makes a lot of sense, thanks for the feedback!
Eh... what to say about this piece, I wonder.
Well, allow me to start off by saving off the bat that it is not bad. However, does it pass the level of 'medicore'? Let's delve into it, shall we? Since there is not a large amount for me to work with, I'll just try my best and bounce about different issues I picked up as I read through this after it peaked my interest on the home page.
I. Pacing
This here, is something the chapter rather lacked. While it did give enough information and wasn't all over the place in its narrative, at the same time I felt as if it could had been expanded upon. Plus, it felt like certain things were said that didn't exactly need to be said. Now, that last piece right there is rather subjective due to me having utterly no clue where this is going. If I did, I suppose I could be more sure about whether specific parts needed to go or not.
II. Plot
Right, this is something I really shouldn't be trying to delve into at this point. But, for the record; I personally believe it left more to be desired. The cliff-hanger seemed cheap, especially so. Next chapter, I highly recommend just going full-throttle and making it a decent length (average that is highly praised is three-to-five thousand). Details wouldn't hurt you either.
III. Writing Style
Normally, this is something I would refrain from commenting on until a later time. However, I felt that the advice of spacing would do you some good. While I applaud your effort to consistently indent, the fact of the matter is that all that tightness of the text is rather straining and daunting. Throwing some spaces in between the paragraphs helps significantly with making everything seem not as cluttered. Oh. And your tenses swap a whole bunch between present and past. It's best just to choose one.
Conclusion:
And, that's all I wrote (for now, anyway). I must admit; while the writing hasn't floored me, the concept has provided me with some interest. Not a huge amount, but it is enough for me to watch it for a while. Since I'm at it, I'll give you a like to help ya out for now. Here's hoping you write more, and that the quality improves (thought whether that's a result of myself or not will remain to be seen).
Arrivederci.
-Dumbgamer99, Novice Concrit for the Organization 'Under The Bridge'
1935166
Haha it was too obvious to not comment on.
But honestly just work on showing us the characters and not just telling us about them and you'll be that much better for it, the narration is good and has a few witty moments that made me chuckle a bit to myself because I'm a sucker for narrative humor.
Anyway keep up the good work, this site needs more asylum fics.
1935210
I freaking love you...I do...I really do...
I will take all of your advice next chapter...though to do it correctly, I might have to break my writing pledge of having at least one chapter out daily...
Hey, I don't really know how this works, but would you be willing to preview my chapters before I publish them? You seem like the perfect man for the job.
And I love Disturbed, cheers!
1935242
Sure, I have no issue helping a fellow writer out. Especially when they have potential. If you want, all you need to do is PM me the link to your unpublished chapter when you're finished with it, and I could provide a comment that would be able to be deleted when it was time for posting. Though, you will need to have a set password for your story.
Don't know how to do this? Not a problem! Just go and 'edit' your story itself (not the chapter), and there will be a option for you to put in a password. Save it, and tag it along with the link to the chapter. Badda-boom! I can help.
As for your pledge of daily chapters, that is mostly personal preference, friend. When I mentioned the praised-average of three-to-five thousand, that may have been just speaking to myself. I've seen many a good fictions who had short and simple chapters. Still though, some expansion would most likely be appreciated by any fans you lure in. Write at a pace you're comfortable with, and one that you feel doesn't detract from quality.
PM me if you're still interested about me being your pre-reader (or if you really wanted my full help, your editor), and I'll help when available. Cheers as well!
If mountain dew is the nectar of the gods, what is red bull?
1934974 I prefer Pepsi.