Who Touched My Gun!?
“So, what is big red pony’s name?”
“Big Macintosh.”
The Russian and the farmer had retreated to the confines of the resupply. There, Heavy was attempting to engage the farmer in conversation. Progress had not been great.
He was not usually one to initiate conversation himself. But, in his new role as instructor he had no choice. It helped that the pony, Big Macintosh, was red. Heavy felt more comfortable around the colour red.
Big Macintosh was nervous, but he didn’t show it. He was used to being the biggest pony around. Technically, that hadn’t actually changed. But the fact that he was absolutely dwarfed by this human... it scared him a little. True, he seemed gentle enough, but there was a vibe, a feeling that this was far from the truth. Feeling a need to fill the void, he said the first thing that came to his mind. “You sound like one of them folks from up near Stalliongrad.”
Heavy blinked. “Stalliongrad?” he asked, sound dumbfounded by this.
“Yeah,” the farmer replied slowly, not knowing what to make of his reaction. “It’s a city up north, lots of industry.”
There was a brief silence before Heavy practically erupted into laughter. “OH HOHOHOHO OH HO!” He doubled over, startling Big Macintosh. “Oh, that slaps me on the knee! There is really place called Stalliongrad?” he asked, still smiling wildly.
“Uh, yeah?” Big Macintosh replied carefully, wondering what had caused him to burst into laughter. “Why is that so funny?”
“Is not important,” the Russian replied, still laughing. He took a breath to calm himself. “So, Big Red,” Heavy said, his voice rumbling like a rockslide, “do you know what I do?”
“Well,” the farmpony said carefully, not exactly fond of his new nickname, “I guess that you kill people for a living.”
“That is pretty much all there is, true,” Heavy Weapons Guy said with a nod. “After all, I do have my gun, Sasha.”
“Sasha?” Big Macintosh asked, worried that the gun had a name.
“Da,” the mountain of a man said as he turned to the resupply closet. “This is Sasha,” he said as he faced the pony, now cradling the incredibly large weapon in his arms like a baby. “She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute.”
Big Macintosh took a few steps back, mainly out of shock at seeing him carry a weapon almost as big as him, and the fact that said weapon seemed to materialize from nowhere.
Heavy carefully put Sasha onto the ground and leaned closer. “It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon... for twelve seconds,” he finished dramatically.
Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow. “That ain’t right.”
“Oh?” Heavy asked, leaning back, eyebrows raised.
“If what you said about how much each bullet costs is right, and the rate of fire is accurate, then it’d only cost $24,000. However much that is,” the stallion added with a shrug, unknowledgeable of the economics of Reliable Excavation & Demolition.
“Very good,” Heavy said, nodding his head slowly. “You are smart pony. Only other to see that was wrong is Engineer.”
“I take care of the finances back home all the time. My sister ain’t got the patience, and it don’t feel right getting Granny Smith doing it,” he replied with a shrug. “I like crunching numbers almost as much as I do farming. Can’t see how I got dragged into this,” he finished glumly.
“I was same way,” Heavy said gently. “In motherland, we all had to join military. I did not want that. I wanted to study literature.” He let out a weary sigh. “It was many years until I got my wish. You are lucky, Big Red.”
There was a rather awkward silence.
“I know you do not wish to be here. But you are, and I cannot see way for you to leave. All that can be done is to do as told. Was same for me in motherland,” Heavy said solemnly.
Big Macintosh looked at Heavy and saw, in the mountain of muscle and violence, a kind gentle figure who was simply doing this because he had little choice. A lot like him. He turned to the gigantic weapon. “Now how the hay am I meant to use that?” he asked.
Heavy brought a hand to his chin. “Engineer will have idea.”
And so, it was little over half an hour later that Big Macintosh emerged into the courtyard of RED Base, Heavy not far behind. The pegasus guards on patrol glanced at each other, not sure what to make of the strange contraption strapped to the big red stallion.
“So, how do I use this thing?” the farmpony asked.
“Engineer made is so it will shoot direction you are facing, so...” Heavy pointed at one of the walls. “Face wall and pull on trigger,” he instructed.
Big Macintosh did as he was told, taking the ‘reins’ in his mouth and biting down. He had expected a degree of kickback from the weapon. He had not expected it to be so much that it threatened to push him onto his rump. Nor had he expected the absolutely deafening roar that came from both sides of his head.
The twin miniguns of the Battle Saddle were only alive for a second, but that was more than enough to leave his ears ringing. To either side of the pony were a small pile of empty bullet casings, and the wall in front of him was peppered with holes.
One of the guards on duty nudged his buddy and they shared a whisper, their expressions somewhere between shock and awe. If that was the kind of weaponry they were planning to use on the griffons, they couldn’t help but feel sorry for the feathery preadators.
“Why did Big Red stop?” Heavy asked. Big Macintosh didn’t answer, instead just staring blankly at the wall, his legs shaking from the strain of making sure he didn’t fall over. “Big Red?” he asked worriedly, approaching the pony.
The reason Big Macintosh hadn’t answered was the ringing in his ears. If he knew more about basic anatomy, he would have guessed that the eardrums had nearly ruptured, and that his hearing was now permanently damaged. Being a farmer with an uncanny knack for mathematics, he was blissfully unaware of just what damage his body had suffered.
A poke to the side of his flank shook him out of his daze. He turned to see Heavy talking to him, but he couldn’t hear a single word. The mouth was moving, but all that could be heard was that infernal ringing. He gestured to his ears and tried to say what was wrong with him. He could feel his mouth form the words, he could feel the pressure in his throat as he made the sounds, but he couldn’t hear any of them.
Heavy disappeared up the stairs to the resupply room, returning with what seemed to be a bottle of pills. He gave them to the pony, where they vanished in an instant, restoring his hearing. “Is that better?” the Russian asked.
“Yeah, thanks,” Big Macintosh replied, shaking his head to clear his head. “I didn’t think it’d be so loud.”
“Was my fault. I normally carry Sasha much closer to ground. Your weapon, it fires right next to your head. Should have remembered that.” He smiled apologetically. “After while, you get used to how loud weapon is, and you forget that others are not used to it.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this if it leaves me unable to hear every time I use it,” the farmpony muttered.
“Maybe Medic can help later,” Heavy suggested with a shrug.
“Well I can see how effective this thing is,” Big Macintosh said, gesturing to his battle saddle. “If it can do that to a wall - ”
“If you talk about gun, be respectful,” Heavy said moodily. “On battlefield, weapon will keep you alive, let you do job. In battle, you are weapon. To disrespect weapon is to disrespect self.”
“I thought you said that you didn’t want to fight,” Big Macintosh said with a frown.
“No, I said I wanted to study Russian Literature. After I got PhD, I was unable to make enough money for family. RED needed mercenaries, I needed the money...” Heavy shrugged. “After while, I began to enjoy fighting. Besides, Team needs me.”
“They do?” the farmer asked. “They seem plenty dangerous on their own.”
“They are,” Heavy said, nodding. “But I have biggest gun, and sometimes rocket and knife is not enough. They need boolits. Many boolits.” He sighed. “Also, I am giant man. That makes me easier target.”
There was a brief silence. “Isn’t that a bad thing?” the red stallion asked, worried about what that statement implied about his future.
“If taking boolit that would have killed Medic is bad, then yes. If providing heavy fire so that teammates can push and capture point is bad, then yes. If doing everything in your power to help team is bad, then yes.” Heavy glared at the pony. “What I do is painful, true. But I would rather take a thousand boolits for those who cannot. That way, they can fight, even when you can’t.” Heavy smiled, seeming to calm down. “Besides, Medic is able to heal me, even make me boolitproof. Then I have nothing to fear.”
Big Macintosh gaped at him. “How... how can you take so much?” he asked quietly.
“Someone has to, may as well be me,” Heavy shrugged. “Team is like family to me. I do not want to see them hurt.” Heavy eyed the pony carefully. “You have family?”
“Eeyup. Two sisters and my granny.”
“What happened to mother and father?” Heavy asked, noting that he hadn’t mentioned either.
“Just after Applebloom was born, one of the barns collapsed on Pa,” the farmer said sadly. “Ma would have been fine, but the doctors said that Applebloom’s birth left her weak. We had to bury Redstreak and Ambrosia Apple in the same month.” Throughout the whole explanation, his voice had remained steady, though it was clear that the subject was not one he enjoyed talking about.
“I am sorry,” Heavy said quietly. “I should have known better than to ask.”
“No, no, you... you didn’t know,” Big Macintosh said calmly. “I’m gonna be here for a while, you’d have probably found out anyway.”
“It takes brave man to live with such pain,” Heavy mused. “You are credit to your family.”
“Thanks,” the pony said with a small smile.
“Anyway, there was reason I asked about family. You care for them?”
“Of course I do!” the farmer replied, a little loudly, as though thinking that Heavy was implying that he didn’t.
“You would do anything for them?” the Russian asked.
“Well... nearly anything,” Big Macintosh said, the volume of his voice decreasing to something approaching normal.
“On battlefield, Team is family. On battlefield, one must be prepared to fight, to kill, to die for them.”
“Die?” the farmpony asked, gulping audibly.
“Engineer has machine that lets us return if we die,” Heavy said with a shrug. “What matters is that you are able to do what you must.” He gazed into the stallion’s eyes. “Can I trust that you will do that?”
Big Macintosh was silent for a moment. Eventually, he nodded. “Eeyup,” he said firmly.
Name: Big Macintosh
Class: Heavy
Weapon loadout
Primary: Minigun
Secondary: Shotgun
Melee: Hooves
Job: Mow Down
And the ending flourish, because it seems necessary.
Author’s Notes:
Oh wow I am so sorry! I just got very stuck with characterisation.
Redstreak apples are commonly used in making cider, while the Ambrosia is a sweet, eating apple. Yes, I am implying that Big Mac’s, AJ’s and AB’s father had a cutie mark for making booze. That must have been one heck of a story.
And yes, I will be using the dropped weapons. Or ponified equivalents, where necessary. The Fists of Steel will become 20-pound pig-iron horseshoes, for example. Imagine THOSE flying at your face with enough force to knock down a tree!
I am well aware that the maths is off in many ways. Ignore it. It was a joke that didn't go as planned. Too many damn mathematicians...
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HAHAHA! AH WAS TOLD AH'D BE FIGHTING MEN! NOT LI'L BABIES!
What calculations did you do to say 400,000 is wrong? "two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute" So 200 times 10,000 equals 2,000,000 divided by 5 for 12 seconds which is 1/5 of a minute gets you 400,000.
Wait...
200$ Custom Rounds at 10,000 rounds per minute, so.
200*10,000=2,000,000 (For the lazy ones out there- 2 million$ per minute
2,000,000/60= 33,333.333333333333333333333333333$
33,333.333333333333333333333333333*12= 400,000$
In the video He says "400,000 dollars to fire this gun for twelve seconds."
I'mma go check what you wrote.... Yeah, same... Did I do something wrong?
736189>>736194
That's going by what he says in the video.
Going by actual gameplay, though, $24,000 is the accurate figure.
736207
“Da,” the mountain of a man said as he turned to the resupply closet. “This is Sasha,” he said as he faced the pony, now cradling the incredibly large weapon in his arms like a baby. “She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute.”
Big Macintosh took a few steps back, mainly out of shock at seeing him carry a weapon almost as big as him, and the fact that said weapon seemed to materialize from nowhere.
Heavy carefully put Sasha onto the ground and leaned closer. “It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon... for twelve seconds,” he finished dramatically.
Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow. “That ain’t right.”
The heavy here repeats exactly what is said in the video, which is all that Big Mac has to go on. So Big Mac is either miscalculating or somehow knows the true rate of fire and cost of each bullet.
Heavy hasin't even read it yet. But I know this story will be good...
Very Good...
Yeah, Big Mac even says "If what you said about how much each bullet costs is right, and the rate of fire is accurate" but then he uses completely different measurements to get a completely different answer
That pony is a spah!
Time to break another window.
Personally, i think
and 
could fight it out for Scout. But since 
is scout, here are my 3 guesses as to the other ponies. 
= (Sniper) 
= (Pyro) OC = (Demoman) By golly I hope my guesses are right XD
Edit: Here are my reasons: Twilight is calm and calculating, Lets admit it: Pinkie is kind of a maniac. And a pyro who breaks the laws of physics? Perfect. The other OC is Demoman because thats the only class left >.>
736180 ... Alrighty then. Lets see how you do against my Sentry Gun + Dispenser?
*Theres a pile of around 80 of his dead bodies in front of me* That's what i thought.
emotibot.net/pix/3979.gif
In the words of spy, 'Magnificent!'
Eh, pic could have been better... maybe. Other than that, this is made of win, and makes a lot of sense. Big Mac is a bit different from Heavy... he's tougher and packs a much bigger close range wallop for one, but sacrifices range of fire with his miniguns to do it. Interesting...
i see what you did there heavy likes red and red is the communism color
736506
mmth mmmth mmttthh
*thumbs up*
OBJECTION!
10,000/60 = 166.6666666667 rounds per second
166.666666667 x 12 = 2000 rounds per 12 seconds
2000 x $200 = $400,000
Haven't seen a good TF2 crossover since "Teamwork is Magic" by Axle and Wheel. I'm liking what I'm reading here. :lyrathumbsup.png:
By the way, that pic was drawn by a long-time fav artist of mine, who calls herself Yark-Wark: http://fav.me/d3gj2wk
165714
I'm 19 weeks late to say this, but the more-or-less offical listing is, going by what the most common reskins for their weapons are, this:
Dash - Scout (The runner-up is Scoutaloo).
Spike - Solider
Pinkie - Pyro (In theory, they're both crazy.)
Zecora - Demoman (She's a zebra. The Demoman is black. See the connection?)
AJ - Engineer
Big Mac - Heavy
Twilight - Sniper
Flutershy - Medic (Now, I really don't like this, especially since Meet the Medic came out. To quote the Medic, "Ze healing is not as rewarding as ze hurting." Does that sound like kind, caring Fluttershy to you?)
Rarity - Spy
There's also random things, like the runner-up for the Solider is Vinyl Scratch/DJ-P0N3. The logic for that is how her music is like an explosion of sound and it makes war on your eardrums, or something like that. There's an Octavia-themed Dead Ringer, some Luna/Nightmare Moon themed Demoman swords, a Derpy-colored Postal Pummeler, and a random Lyra shotgun. Not to mention the BADASS "Spitfire's Thunder" reskin for the Sniper's Machina.
ON THE SUBJECT OF THE STORY...I got nothing to say besides "faved" and "have a thumb-up."
Oh, and have a moustache. You deserve it.
736506
That's what spies are for.
If they're not busy killing everyone in disguise. And dying.
interesting concept good sir. i am wondering though how Pyro and Pinkie will work out
737516 I am sorry pinkie. But i cannot tell what you are saying. Come back when your mouth is not stuffed with cupcake.
Will anyone mess with shasha?
P.S. some people think rainbows make scout cry.
Oh god, they're up against the griffins? Poor bastards won't stand a chance, Big Mac alone could mow them down like crazy.
Awesum~!
now then, i can't wait to see the rest of the gang show up!
MOAR!! SOON!!!
so if medic and heavy have a bromance then what does that mean for big mac?
too many shipfics.
Oh God can't wait for Pinkie and Pyro
so........... no more updates then? shame, i liked this story
1071994
Did I say such a thing? I don't remember.
Please, be so kind as to tell me where I said that.
Can't wait for Pinkie and the Pyro's chapter!
1088016
It's not just about the significance of who's with who. It's also about making something interesting and/or fun to read. This chapter was not. At least, not when Engi and AJ were talking.
Please sir, may i have MOAR?????
Need MOAR. I do not see MOAR.
738980
Alright lemme grab my Rainblower.
Funny experience I had. I was Engi in the Teufort Intel room. A Sniper walks in and I smack him with my wrench. There goes BLU spy! XD Yay for the Jag actually doing more damage then the Wrench
1072109
You didn't. But it's been forever since you updated this.
Me gusta. But the story hasn't been updated in weeks. :/
Darn.
Since when did this have a legit-ish description? Or am I just that forgetful?
TIME FOR ME TO BUG YOU AGAIN. UPDATE THIS SHIT.
How is it 24,000 dollars to fire Sasha for 12 seconds? I did ze math on paper, and on calculator and it still equalled 400,000 instead of 24,000. Please show me how zis is wrong.
Why cancel it
I loved this story
I was also looking forward to pyro pinkie
I care not that this was cancelled, I'm still favoriting it - and I was literally running through the entire chapters out loud in my best imitation of the accents of each of the canon ponies and mercs, along with making up some of the accents on my own for the oc ponies here.... I'm actually at the point that I'm willing to do a fanfic reading voice-over an post it on YouTube, but I'm not certain if reading over a cancelled fic would be a good idea in practicality......
Darn you and cancelling this fanfic over a year ago!