• Member Since 18th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 11th, 2018

RyanPAPP


E

Where would you go if the weight of the universe lay heavy upon your shoulders and everyone you loved was dead, while you were engulfed in sorrow? The happiest place you can think of- Equestria. After the departure of Rose Tyler, The Doctor left to seek sanctuary in Equestria, but what he found was anything but. What you find below is an entire log of The Doctors adventures in Equestira from Hearths Warming Eve 2011 on.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 17 )

You might want to separate different characters' line in different paragraph. Kinda confusing if all those three speaking in one paragraph

Give me a moment, I need to gather my bearings. Word of advice, don't break up the story with author notes. (It's not a very smart idea.) Doing so breaks the flow of the story, and that's something that needs to be preserved. You know who else used author notes? XXXbloodyrists666XXX, and look where that got her. (She wrote my immortal.)

Anyway, now that I think I've gotten in the flow, let's begin. First thing I notice is a lack of description. Now that's all right, you're new, you can't be expected to pump out a full length novel, however, when you barely have enough background to set the scene, that's a good sign that you may need to revise some things. Add a little more flare into things. What does the restaurant look like, what do the characters think of it, what does it smell like? A whole herd of opportunities to add some spice into your writing that you seem to have flown right over.

Next point is spelling. I honestly don't see how this can be a problem in this day and age, but somehow people still manage. Investing in a simple spell checker is going to do wonders for you, as well as sort out a couple of the less then straight sentences. Really, these kind of things should have got caught in proof-reading, which is also a thing you should start doing now that you write here. Always proof read.

Next, every time a pony speaks, they need to get their own line. I don't mean conversational line, like a script, I mean written line. Press enter each time a pony starts to talk. It'll help break up the larger paragraphs and help destroy that chunky flow your story has.

All right, next would be...would be...wow. I don't have a next one. Give me a moment to check back through this.




Nope, nothing next. This is a surprise for me. Good job. I usually find more things wrong.

Moving on, you seem to have a basic grasp of characterization, though a few certain moments do stand out to me as being out of character. Try to imagine whether the character would actually say what you wrote. I personally find that it helps, though it is all speculation. I am a little concerned that you don't know enough about the source materials to tell a fitting story, though I suppose time will tell what happens next.
'Pelvic thrusted it off.' :rainbowlaugh:
Nazkan

P.S. The Doctor totally has people he loves, what about Rose? Though I suppose the people he loves would have to be ponies for the changeling to work, so you get a free pass there. Also, Daleks. The Doctors enemies are the DalekSsss.

One question just one question. What happened to Twilight and PC? I don't see the Princess letting somepony as dangerous as the Doctor out of her sight.

699442 Trust me. The Princess has something up her sleeve...

Nazkan's comment covers everything I wanted to say grammar and spelling wise.
I would just like to add, that while I have seen Doctor Whooves traveling with Derpy, the mane six, and Twilight solo, I have never seen one where it's just Rainbow Dash. So, congrats on that. :pinkiehappy:

I'm going to continue tracking, but I'd like to reiterate what I and others have said before: proper punctuation is important. It makes the story neater and easier to read, and it makes it more likely for people to give it a chance without immediately clicking out or worse, thumbing down.

More detail would be nice too, but other than the punctuation (and possibly others, but punctuation is my personal pet peeve so it's usually the only kind I notice) this story isn't bad so far.

You're really churning these out. Are they prewritten?
Confusing thing: if they defeated the Changeling Queen in the past, how did she regain command in A Canterlot Wedding?

Also, can you clarify how the romance tag is going to come into play?

700932 1. these are NOT pre-written. Well, except for the second part of Fate Brought Us. I typed that out in word when my internet was down
2. Chrysalis is a well-respected member of "The Alliance", which you will find out more about and how they resurrect her
3. The romance tag, ah yes. Well, Rainbow Dash has a thing for the Doctor. You will see that relationship develop later in the series

700998 1. That's pretty awesome, then. But I'd do a bit more proofreading before publishing. That is, if you want. :fluttershyouch:
2. Sounds interesting.
3. I am OK with this. :derpytongue2:

731300 I have never seen bees in Equestria...

I don't understand what you were saying in the last chapter, just having Dash in it makes it more exciting. But that could also be because I'm so used to build-up

how is the doctor in cloudesdale he is an earth pony

Did I hear my name?

That sounds creepy

I really like your ideas, and I see definite improvement! :pinkiehappy: Its still not perfect but the effort is apparent. If you need an other editor/proofreader/co-writer just PM me! Also the Sonic Screwdriver really shouldn't be used as a weapon. It's "A scientific instrument not a water pistol." :twilightsmile:

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