• Published 17th Jan 2012
  • 5,669 Views, 166 Comments

Wargames - Speven Dillberg



Ponies and griffons fighting, TF2 style.

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Sun Tzu Said That!

Soldier and Storm Surge made their way to the battlements of the dimensionally-displaced Teufort Base. Soldier wasn’t entirely sure how he had ended up in this situation, but he was taking solace in the fact that he was at least instructing someone (or somepony, as the natives tended to say) with some military experience. Under the mask of general stupidity he wore to lull his enemies into a false sense of security, his mind raced as he went over the details he had seen in the castle in Canterlot.

To him, the guard there seemed very ceremonial. He felt that armour that shone as bright as theirs did was a sign of inexperience or lack of training. After all, a veteran would have armour that was scuffed, dented and maybe even missing pieces. To him, they were nothing more than glorified crowd control or police officers in fancy uniforms.

Storm Surge wasn’t sure what to make of Soldier. One moment, he seemed dumber than a Diamond Dog that had fallen down a mine shaft and landed on their head. The next, he was showing insight borne of what could only be years of experience in matters he probably had no right experiencing. The man was an interesting, confusing paradox.

“Now listen,” Soldier said as he looked out from the battlements. “I’m not one for teaching. My way of soldiering was something I taught myself over a period of eight years fighting one of the most well-trained armies in the history of my kind. It is not clean, it is not polite, and it is definitely not merciful.” He turned to Storm Surge, the armoured pegasus’ expression blank. “I expect the same from you. Do you understand?” he asked, his tone at something that could be called a slightly raised voice.

Storm Surge didn’t immediately respond. “I know what you think about me and my comrades,” he said. “You see us as weak, as showy, as useless.” The pegasus snorted. “You obviously aren’t aware of what we’re capable of,” he said, letting a small smirk.

“I know that I don’t know,” Soldier replied as he pulled a rocket from his small hip-pack and the grenades off his bandoleer and began to juggle them absentmindedly. “Doesn’t give you an excuse to -”

“Is that safe?” Storm asked, eyeing the grenades warily.

“No.” The finality of the word was shocking. Before the Royal Guard could respond, he caught the grenades in one hand and the rocket in the other, quickly replacing them. “Now come on. We have training to do!” Soldier marched off back to the resupply, the pegasus not far behind.


“This,” Soldier said loudly, “is a rocket launcher!” He held up a large metal tube with a wooden stock, grip, trigger and what seemed to be half a trumpet. “If you feel the need to ask what it does, I will send you back to your princess and request a new pony!”

“I know what a rocket launcher is,” Storm Surge said, mildly annoyed at the man’s attitude. Truthfully, five minutes ago he had never heard of such a thing, but the name was pretty self-explanatory.

“Catch,” Soldier said, throwing the rocket launcher at the pegasus. Unfortunately, he wasn’t ready for it and instead caught it with his face. As he growled in pain and rubbed the forming bruise with his hoof, Soldier rolled his eyes. “Come on, son! You can do better than that!”

“It would help if you gave me some kind of warning,” Storm Surge replied angrily as he picked up the launcher. He hovered a foot above the ground, bringing the plume of his helmet a good two feet above Soldier. He fumbled with the rocket launcher as he tried to hold it the way it seemed like it should be. “I don’t think I can -”

There was a sudden rush of air and the rocket came shooting out of the launcher... in the wrong direction. Somehow the captain had managed to fire the weapon while holding it backwards. Soldier threw himself to the ground and put his hands over his head as it sailed past him before colliding with the wall of the resupply with a boom.

Soldier simply glared at the pegasus from the ground. “And you call yourself a soldier?” he asked, his voice dangerously low. “I know for a fact that SCOUT could do better than that!” he bellowed as he pushed himself back onto his feet. “And he’s nothing more than a stupid thug with a mouth!”

“I fail to see how you expect me to use your weapons when I can barely hold the damn things!” Storm Surge retaliated angrily, the composure he kept while on duty vanishing like morning fog.

Soldier smirked. “I would expect a member of the military to await instruction before attempting to utilise equipment they are unfamiliar with,” he said, his tone one full of scorn and contempt.

That was enough to quell the pegasus’ anger. Soldier was right. He should have waited. All he had done now was proven himself an overly-eager fool. He landed and hung his head. Not only had he ashamed himself, he had ashamed the Equestrian Guard as a whole.

Soldier caught this and chastised himself for being so harsh. “Quit your moping, son. You did a damn sight better than I did, I’ll give you that,” he said as he put a hand on Storm’s shoulder.

The pegasus let out a snort. “Can’t see how that’s possible,” he said dejectedly.

“You didn’t launch the damn rocket at your feet, did you?” Soldier asked with a rough chuckle. “I did that. Nearly lost one of my legs.”

“Wow.” Storm Surge didn’t know what to say to that. What he did have was some new-found respect for the man. “Um, so...” He cleared his throat. “I still don’t see how you expect me to use it. Hooves aren’t the best for using weapons.”

Soldier raised an eyebrow, though it wasn’t visible under the helmet. “Then how do you fight?”

“The unicorns use their magic, mainly fire and ice. A few illusions too. The earth ponies are all brute strength, probably stronger than your Heavy Weapons Guy,” Storm said with a smirk. “I’ve seen a few kick boulders the size of chariots at targets three hundred yards away. And hit.”

“Remind me not to antagonise them,” Soldier muttered, not wanting to admit that he was impressed.

“Then there’s us pegasi. You don’t want to cross us.”

“So you can fly,” Soldier said dismissively. “Big deal.”

“That’s not all we can do,” Storm Surge said, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. “It’s not fun getting hit by a dozen lightning bolts.”

It took a moment for what the pegasus meant to click. When it did, Soldier’s jaw dropped. “Your telling me you lot control the weather?” he asked, disbelieving.

“Storms, hurricanes, blizzards, all of it.”

“You better watch it, son, or I might just start respecting you.” Soldier chuckled. “Maybe we can figure out a way to combine that with my way of fighting.”

The good mood the captain was in vanished at that point. “If I can even get the hang of your way of fighting,” he muttered.

“Like you said before, the problem is your hooves,” Soldier said. “Maybe Engie has an idea.”


As it turned out, Engineer did have an idea. The rest of the Team had decided to see if he had an idea as well. That meant that they were stuck waiting for their turn.

Eventually, Soldier and Storm Surge emerged from the left door underneath the base’s battlements. The pegasus was hovering to compensate for not being able to use his forehooves. The reason for that was the rocket launcher he was now holding (the right way, I might add).

“How exactly does this thing hold four rockets, anyway?”

“Don’t question it, son. Things are easier that way,” Soldier replied. “And take off that armour.”

Storm gave Soldier an evil glare that was vastly more ineffective than he had hoped. “Why?” he asked, trying to keep his voice level.

“Because you’re in my army now, private, and when I tell you to take off your armour you YOU TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN ARMOUR!” Soldier screamed loudly, easily dropping back into Drill Sergeant Nasty. “AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR!?

Storm Surge was taken aback by the sudden yelling, as were the three pegasi on patrol, one of them almost falling out of the air. The captain was quick to fall back into the strict routine that had been drilled into him as a recruit. “Yes sir,” he said without emotion, landing and putting the rocket launcher down. He pulled off his helmet and unstrapped his plating with well-practiced ease, setting them in a neat pile to his left. Ten seconds later he stood at attention. “Your orders, sir?” he asked, running solely on autopilot at that moment.

Soldier couldn’t help but smile. “Some military efficiency! That’s what I like to see!” Then he noticed something was off about the pegasus. “Did you change colour?”

“Our armour is enchanted to alter our appearance based on what we do. Unicorns become grey with a white mane and tail, and earth ponies are a dark grey with a reddish-brown mane and tail,” he explained.

Storm Surge now had an off-white coat and an electric-blue mane and tail with yellow streaks. Overall the general effect was that of a drawing of a bolt of lightning. As if to complete the general ‘lightning’ motif, his cutie mark was a pair of lightning bolts shaped like an X.

“I’m not sure I approve, but oh well! Onwards!” Soldier shouted. “Pick up your rocket launcher! I’m going to show you something.”

Storm Surge picked up his launcher and hovered, making sure his hind hooves touched the ground. “What is it?” he asked.

“I wasn’t being entirely truthful before when I told you that I launched my first rocket at my feet. I did that, but I actually had a reason.” Soldier took a deep breath. “In my world, there was once a man called Shakespearicles, the strongest writer who ever lived. He was capable of incredible feats of strength, and is known as the man who invented first rocket launcher!” Soldier let out a slight sigh. “Unfortunately, one invention eluded the playwright’s iron grip: stairs.”

“Stairs,” Storm Surge repeated, disbelieving. “Stairs.

“That’s right. Before they were invented by President Abraham Lincoln in 1857, and perfected by Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1921, the only way to get to the second floor of a building was through rocket jumping!”

“Rocket jumping?” Storm Surge asked, the implications of those two words combined worrying him.

“Allow me to demonstrate.” With that Soldier ran a short distance from the Base before turning around. He hefted his rocket launcher onto his shoulder and, after taking a quick breath, ran full speed towards one of the outer walls.

Storm Surge watched, as did the three pegasus guards on patrol. They had heard what he had said, and were very intrigued by what the man would do.

About two meters from the building Soldier jumped. As he jumped he pointed the barrel of his rocket launcher at the ground and pulled the trigger. A rocket came out and hit the ground, exploding almost instantly. The four pegasi turned away, shielding their eyes from the glare and debris that the explosion kicked up. Though he couldn’t be sure, Storm Surge was sure that he heard Soldier yell “Screamin’ Eagles!” as he was engulfed in the explosion.

When he pulled his hoof away, the captain couldn’t see where Solder was. The only thing that seemed to indicate that he had even been there was the singed crater that had resulted from the impact of the rocket. “Soldier?” he asked, refusing to believe that the man had actually gone and killed himself.

“Up here,” came a voice. Storm and the other pegasi turned to see Soldier leaning against the small hut in the middle of the battlements, his rocket launcher lying on the ground next to him. It wasn’t immediately obvious, but his boots and the bottom of his pants were slightly singed.

“How did you...” one of the guards asked, slack-jawed.

“That is a rocket jump!” Soldier proclaimed loudly. “And now I expect to see you do it!”

Storm blinked. “I have wings,” he said after a slight pause. “I won’t need to rocket jump.”

“That may be, but it pays to be prepared! What if your wings get damaged beyond the point of use?” Soldier answered, determined to get the pegasus to obey.

Storm Surge bit back the witty retort he had planned. After all, he had a point. He had seen what griffon weaponry could do to a pony, and it had not been pleasant. It made some of the stuff the more skilled unicorns do seem weak in comparison. There was also a good chance that they had since improved their design. “All right then,” Storm muttered. He flew a short distance from the building and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes and flew as fast as he could at the Base while still carrying the launcher, which wasn’t that fast at all. While carrying the rocket launcher wasn’t a problem of any kind, the added weight and complete lack of aerodynamics it offered simply made it a burden. He estimated that he was only going at around 50% of what he knew he was capable of.

When he got to the point he had seen Soldier launch from, he rose a few inches into the air with an almighty flap of his wings and pointed the rocket launcher at the ground. He fired, and quit literally rocketed into the air, his hind hooves on fire as he shot past Soldier.

The sound that came from the stallion’s mouth was a mix of bladder-voiding terror and mind-blowing exhilaration. The fact that he had propelled himself using high explosives was enough for him to question his sanity, but the thrill that came from such a dangerous act left his system brimming with an unhealthy amount of adrenaline.

As he alighted unsteadily on the roof of the small hut, he looked around. The pegasi on patrol thought they saw a mad gleam in his eyes, but that was pushed to the side when Storm Surge turned to them. “What do you three think you’re doing!?” he yelled at them. “I may be out of uniform, but I am still your superior officer! Get back to your patrol, NOW!”

“A man after my own heart,” Soldier muttered as he shook his head.


Name: Storm Surge

[insert picture here]

Class: Soldier

Weapon loadout

Primary: Rocket Launcher

Secondary: Shotgun

Melee: Shovel

Job: Shock & Awe


And the ending flourish, because it seems necessary.


Author's Notes:

So, first of the OC chapters. Your thoughts?

Have we even seen Earth Pony Guards? If not, hopefully my idea becomes fanon.

His name is STORM Surge. Of course his talent is messing with electricity.

And yes, everything Soldier says about rocket jumping is in fact taken from official Team Fortress 2 material. Don’t believe me? Well now you have no choice. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s actually true even in the TF2 universe. After all, Soldier probably isn’t the sanest of the lot.