Building Walls, Burning Bridges

by MonolithiuM

[ARC II] Chapter 32- Love and Its Pitfalls

"Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit." –Stephen K. Amos

With the paint chip-eating fucks rustled by my extravagant display of borrowed wealth, six days had passed while they continued to glare in envy at the freshly-built pools that every pony had in their backyards. I’d have to pay Fancy and Fleur back for every penny, with interest. A thanks didn’t exactly cover this. We spoke money, and with time, patience, and the correct injections of gold, we’d never shut up again. I could give them fifty percent of all the company’s earnings, after costs and salaries were sorted out, I could make do with thirty-five. I wasn’t expecting to make a shitload of money, but a smooth thirty-five sounded agreeable to me.

With the pools came increased morale, and with increased morale came confidence in Team Ponyville. And if money can’t buy happiness then you’ve never seen a whole town full of people get in-ground pools. I challenge anyone that thinks you can’t take a loan out for happiness. Also, sure you might be sad, but at least you can cry on your genuine leather seats in your Maserati and not in a fucking soup kitchen. Ooh, note to self: get Flim and Flam to build a Maserati.

After a quick lunch at the Lynx, I was lambasted by a little pink pony sans Cutie Mark. Diamond Tiara, I wanted to shred her with some vicious linguistics, but I couldn’t find it in me anymore. She was making an effort to better herself thanks to me, and I couldn’t be the cause and killer of a good thing. “Bleh,” I thought, “I’ll have to put up with whatever this bullshit is.”

“What is this bullshit you’re spewin’?” I asked kindly.

“Featherweight wants to speak with you,” she said, panting. “He didn’t want to be seen going to you, so he asked me to run out here and find you. He said it’s urgent.”

“Did he say how urgent?”

“Matters of the heart urgent.”

“Whoa, what the fuck? Do I look like I’m the fuckin’ love guru over here? In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t sing kumbaya and hang wreaths around ponies’ shoulders. I yell at them, insult their mothers, and embarrass them publicly for being shitlords. What made scrawny and creepy want to talk to me for this shit? Isn’t Sweetie Belle probably better for this stuff?”

“Well, since you use a lot of bad words and are friends with grown-ups in Canterlot, and since you read a lot and stuff, he thought you were mature.”

That statement might as well have strapped my funny bone down and hit it with a swarm of feathers. “MATURE? AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA! Fuckin’ hell no! I’m not mature! Everything I do is to avoid being mature! I’m only here because I made a bet with some children. I am the least qualified to teach anyone in any field related to being sociable or likable. I am the anathema to adulthood, the pinnacle of prickishness, the Buddha of Buffoonery!”

Diamond Tiara stood there, looking uncomfortable as I shouted out my declarations through tears of laughter.

“You’re goddamn fucking right I’m gonna help his sorry, love-stricken ass.”

\\\|||///

Featherweight sat inside his home in central Ponyville, nervously twiddling his hooves while his wings shivered in concert with his rapidly-beating heart. He couldn’t ask any of the adults, they would gossip and coo about ‘young love’ and how ‘cute’ he and Scootaloo were. Scootaloo wasn’t cute! She was awesome, fantastic, bombastic! Well, she was cute, but Featherweight would never say that to her face… Though it was nice when she blushed that one time, then he got socked in the face and the moment was ruined.

The other fillies and colts would make fun of them and then Scootaloo and him would be finished via brute force embarrassment. He was stuck between a wall of gossip and a wave of teasing, and he felt that the only party that wouldn’t act according to either of those groups was Mono. If not because he was a mature alien, then to spite the foals and the grown-ups.

The door to his room slamming open startled Featherweight at first, but the shout that the little alien gave frightened him further. “WELL SOMEBODY DECIDED TO TAKE A DIP IN THE CHICKEN BUCKET, HUH? Fancy yourself some Dyke-Tried Chicken? Aha, this is gonna be fuckin’ awesome. Diamond, fetch me a chalkboard, some chalk, and a pack of notecards.”

Featherweight was pushed down onto the bed in a flash of speed, and Mono’s grinning face filled up his vision. The small human’s face brightened considerably at the expression of fear on the skinny colt. “My boy,” he said, with a wild look in his eye, “you are gonna be drowning in chicken pussy.”

“W- What’s a pu- pussy?” the trembling colt was able to ask. At Mono’s large intake of oxygen, Featherweight was beginning to reconsider asking him for assistance in his sensitive, private affairs.

Sucked to be him, eh?

\\\|||///

“-and when performed with a handstand and an Olympic torch, it’s called the Over-achieving Cripple.” Featherweight had been with Mono for a mere ten minutes, and already he knew more about nigh-impossible sexual positions than the Princess of Love. “Now, jam a broomstick up her backside and we have one of my personal favorite moves: the Cackling Witch.”

“Mono! I just want to know what kind of gifts to give her, and what to say and how to, um… You know…”

“Fuck?”

“NO! KISS!”

Mono was quiet for a split second, then he tossed the nub of chalk away. “Pffft, and I drew all this for nothin’,” he said as he wiped away some very detailed and incredibly graphic scenes depicting two ponies–or sometimes even seven–in perplexing and somewhat-painful positions. “So, no Grand Slam?”

“No.”

“Three-base run?”

“No…”

“At least tell me that you’ll steal second!”

“No!”

“Fine, whatever. You’re one boring romantic fuck, you know that Featherweight?” Mono threw up his hands in exasperation and sat down. “Fine then, first thing’s first: where do you two stand?”

“You didn’t even know the details of our relationship?!” Featherweight felt like he could strangle Mono. This whole time that the chibi had been teaching him those… things, he hadn’t even known that he and Scootaloo were just testing the waters of their relationship. “We’re going slow, really slow. We’re both kinda new to this and we don’t want to make it awkward.”

“So what the fuck do you call snogging her in front of a crowd of ponies and the Princesses? If that’s not awkward then I’d very much like to know the shit you consider risqué.”

Featherweight’s blush lit up his face like the Hindenburg’s crash site. “That was a spur of the moment thing! I was hopped up on adrenaline and I kinda just…”

“Went for it?”

“Yeah.”

Mono tapped his chin in thought, then snapped his gloved hand and grinned. “I think we can kill two birds with one stone.”

“That’s horrible!” Featherweight gasped.

“No no no, you idiot, I mean that we can solve two problems at once!”

“Oh. Wait, two problems?”

“Problem numero uno: you’re not cool, my dude. You’re a fuckin’ nerd and everybody knows it, hell, you probably know it too. You take pictures for fuck’s sake, you watch cool people and that’s about it. Problem numero dos: You need to make Scootaloo want you just as much as you want her.”

“So how do we solve them both?” Featherweight asked, trying his damnedest not to sound offended.

“We’ll need some building materials and low-grade explosives, also a skateboard.”

Featherweight buried his head in his hooves. This was going to be asinine.

\\\|||///

“Okay,” I started. “Step number one: making you desirable to Scootaloo. You’re skinny, too skinny. You’ve got no muscles, a shitty haircut, which all in all makes you look like Lloyd Christmas.”

“Who?” Oh, for fuck’s sake…

“Goofy-ass retard with goofy-ass retarded friends. Do you want to be a goofy-ass retard?”

“No…”

“Then we’re gonna do some weightlifting. Tiara!”

A crash of sound later and Featherweight’s eyes widened to take in the sheer weight that Diamond Tiara had been carrying over to us. All two-hundred pounds of it. With her teeth. Fuck. Now the brown sack, tied off with a string, awaited the skin-and-bones pegasus.

“Well, now that you’ve seen what desperation and drive can do together, let’s see what the power of love can do. I know you ponies are all over that shit, right? Show me what’s up and lift this sack of assorted heavy items.”

“Are you positive this will make Scootaloo like me more?”

“No, but it will bulk you up so you don’t look like an emaciated string bean.” I stared at him while he eyed the burlap sack of weighty objects Diamond had pulled from around town. “So start lifting and let’s get you date-ready.”

Featherweight took a deep breath and leaned down to clench the bag’s rope in his teeth. Then, pumping his wings, he began to pull back with all his might.

‘All his might’, that might as well have been all of Celestia’s value, ergo: none. It was a miracle the rope even moved, but the bag sure as hell wasn’t gonna budge today, at least not with Featherweight yankin’ on it. After another twenty minutes of watching this winged anorexic horse struggle with a bag of who knows what, I thought I heard shouting coming from across the field, toward Ponyville.

“Diamond, what’s in that bag?” I asked, now suddenly very curious.

“Cheerilee’s rainy day fund,” she replied.

Wow, she had gotten even faster since I had tried making Doritos. I turned to Featherweight. “Step number one point one: alternatives to physical fitness standards. FUCKIN’ BOOK IT!” I took off without looking behind me, not really bothering to utilize my powers in the situation.

After all, Featherweight was holding the bag.

\\\|||///

“I hate you,” Featherweight said for the ninth time, his brows dangerously low and his voice strained with a restrained rage. The trio meandered their way back towards Ponyville, the human with his hands in his pockets. Mono rolled his eyes and shrugged simultaneously. “I hate you so much.”

“So I’ve heard. Now, look, I know that the whole ‘impress Scootaloo’ thing kinda backfired,” the human began, but was interrupted by the skinny colt.

“All of Ponyville heard Cheerilee yelling at me.”

“You also cried.” A glare from Featherweight caused Diamond Tiara to wilt after her comment, and the colt turned his attention back to Mono.

“Yes, you also cried. Which means we have to work on those needless emotions. Real men don’t cry or mope around, we shout and yell and get shit done. If people want to expect a barbarian manly man, then you give ‘em what you’ve got, but twice as hard.”

“You’re not a barbarian,” Diamond said.

“Not in the normal way, nah. I’m crass, uncaring, and–in general–an insufferable douchebag. However, I also know how to get shit done and ignore stupid people. Well, less ignore and more tear them from this mortal plane with as much harsh language as I can.” Mono took a moment to think. “Now that I think about it, I have to check up on Canterlot operations next week, make sure Flim and Flam haven’t fucked anything up yet.”

“Huh? Those two traveling salesponies?” Featherweight’s attention shifted to Mono’s comment. “What’re doing with those losers?”

“Starting a successful business that will bring about an industrial revolution across the planet and make me a shitload of bits in the process. That and a whole slew of other nonsense that I’ll probably get caught up in. Eh, I’ll roll with it and prod around where I’m needed.”

Diamond Tiara and Featherweight stared at Mono with disbelief. Start an industrial revolution with Flim and Flam? No way. “I don’t believe you,” stated Featherweight. Mono shrugged in response.

“Then wait a few weeks and prepare to eat those words, dude. When I’m swimming in bits–again–and I have a Maserati bouncing around town, you’ll regret it.” Mono flashed Featherweight a maniacal grin as the three continued walking back into town.

\\\|||///

“Okay, since there’s no way we’ll bulk you up quickly enough to impress Scootaloo before I leave for Canterlot, we’ll just move on to something a bit easier on the body.” I took in Featherweight’s guarded stance with a smirk. “How good are you at weathering insults, you furry, feathery fucktard?”

“You know, when it’s directly at me, it hurts a bit more,” he muttered under his breath. Well it was better than I thought he’d be, I’ll be honest. “Could you please not be so direct with the swearing, please?” Oh for the love of fuck.

“No, I’ll say whatever I damn well please right to your scraggly-ass lookin’ mug, you flittering gayboy.” I glared at him with as much faux-irritation as I could muster. His eyes moved toward the ground, his wings drooped, and his chin slightly lowered.

“No no no! Eyes up, chin strong, chest out, wings splayed!” Diamond Tiara’s shouting nearly gave me a heart attack, and just like one she interrupted my life and nearly ended it. “Scootaloo won’t see you for the stallion you are if you keep acting all meek! Take some charge and act a little more like Mono does!”

I cast a glance towards Diamond, one that she didn’t see as her forehead connected with Featherweight’s. “Sure, he may be rude, hostile, violent, insincere, egotistical, heretical, irritable, childish, and swear more than a sailor with a stubbed hoof; but he’s also dependable, stubborn, confident, and charismatic! So take all of the good and apply it to yourself, and learn from the bad things that he does!”

“Why are there way more negatives than positives?” My question was disregarded as a bright flash brought Featherweight’s eyes toward Tiara’s ass. My brows also shot up into my hat as I stared at her butt. Wait, that sounds weird, like a porno or something. Fuck it, I’ll nip this in the bud.

She got her Cutie Mark. Yay.

“D- Diamond! You got your- your Cutie Mark back!” Featherweight couldn’t reel back his shock, and once Diamond heard him, neither could she. Sure, she got it back, but technically she didn’t: it was different now. A little purple heart behind a detective’s magnifying glass sat on either cheek, proudly displayed to the world.

“That thing’s fucking hideous.”

“Hey! It’s her Cutie Mark, the one she was supposed to have! Back off!” Featherweight puffed his chest out at me, his eyes glaring and chin setting. Grinning, I leaned in close.

“Now look, Featherweight, I know that Diamond just pumped you up to be more of a badass, but you will never, ever get on my level. I insulted Luna and Celestia multiple times for the fun of it. I beat Rainbow Dash in a pranking contest. I knocked a pony through a wall, and I shit-talked a full-grown dragon until he vomited in horror. Then I took that fucker’s hoard. The next time you stand up to me, you’ll be mounted upright on my wall.”

“Asshole.”

Ho-ly fuck-ing shit. “You motherfucker.”

“Prick.”

“Fuckwad.”

“Douchebag.”

“Cucklord.”

“Titface.”

“Cocksucker.”

“Shit-slurping, ass-diving, big-headed, mud-chugging son of a bitch.”

I started to clap, my grin nearly splitting my face as Featherweight leaned back and smiled himself. “You learned all that but you never had the word 'pussy' explained to you?” I asked him, tucking my hands in my pockets as I appraised the fellow foul-mouth.

“I don't really know what half of the things I said were, but I've heard my older brothers say them before. You wanted me to be like you, right? Well, there you go, fuck face.” He smiled widely, amplifying the smirk on my face.

“AHAHAHA, I've got my own Mini-Me and he's a fuckin' cartoon horse!” I hugged Featherweight in a burst of speed, blowing his mane back. “You and I, you motherfucker! We’re gonna tear anuses for miles around! Those fucking chimney-sweeping sons-a-bitches aren’t gonna know what hit ‘em! Now, let’s get you some puss!” I stepped back and smiled like a hyena. “Confidence! It’s all you need! Chairmen, princesses, kings, gods! Nothing but confidence!”

“So are we just going to gloss over the fact that I regained my Cutie Mark or what?”

“Fuck your Cutie Mark, this is a matter of love! We need flowers, a tie, and some sexy-ass music!” I grabbed the two by the scruffs of their necks and dug my heels into the dirt. “Fuckboy Squad! Away!” In a crack of wind and a blast of dirt, we rocketed toward Ponyville.
\\\|||///

The sweet chords of a black man with a fantastic name rang out just outside of Scootaloo’s house. It was a small little hut of a house. Could’a used some paint, but generally looked… normal. The front door burst open and a gruff pegasus stallion stomped outside with a plank of wood. “What in Tartarus is that sound?” He looked around and saw Featherweight standing awkwardly with a bouquet and a red tie. “Who’re you?”

I watched from the bushes like a creep, but I couldn’t just jump out and say ‘Hi, this chump needs me around!’ Featherweight faltered for a minute, looked down towards the ground, and took a breath. “I’m here to date your daughter, Mister Toned Hawk.” Fuck off. No way is Scootaloo’s dad named after Tony Hawk. Bullshit. Fuck right off all the way to hell. God, I almost lost it right there. Thankfully Diamond clamped a hoof over my mouth just in time, even in her confusion.

“Scoots? You’re here for my daughter?” Now that I listen to him, he has a hint of skater bro in his voice. Huh. Fuckin’ weird. “A scrawny nerd like you?” Oh, shit. It was my turn to hold onto Diamond. She wanted to fuck a nigga up.

“I may be scrawny but I love your daughter. If you don’t like it then grab a number and wait your fucking turn.” Now Diamond and I were holding each other as we restrained our cheers. Hawk took a step back and lowered the plank of wood. His brows shot up into his hairline as Featherweight stripped off the tie and stopped the music. “Your daughter is beautiful, strong, and has completely captured my heart. I am in love and I intend to show it. With all due respect, step aside and let me see Scootaloo.”

A hurricane of emotions tore across Hawk’s face, but in the end, he turned and shouted up the stairs. “SCOOTS! YOUR COLTFRIEND IS HERE!” Then he settled for a goofy grin and raised a hoof to Featherweight. “You’ve got balls, kid. Mad respect for you.” Featherweight pounded the hoof and nodded.

“‘Suh dude.”

Scootaloo came bursting down the stairs in a huff, her cheeks red and eyes angry. “Dad! I don’t have a coltfriend! Stop telling me to get one and just lemme-!”

Diamond exploded from the bushes and shouted, “You’ve got one now, Scootaloo!” I in turn jumped up and suplexed her back into the foliage. The three at the house looked between one another for a few seconds before resituating their shit and talking amongst themselves.

“Hey, Scoots,” Featherweight said with a smile. He gave her the flowers and grinned like a fucking winner. My boy. “Let’s go out and do something together, huh? Sugarcube Corner, milkshakes for the both of us. Then the park after.” Scootaloo stood around with a blush and a wide stare. She moved her mouth but no words came forth. Then Featherweight kissed her fully. Instead of getting angry, Hawk just leaned against the doorframe and smirked. He’d been there.

Featherweight and Scootaloo cantered away, chatting happily with blushes on their faces. I jumped from the bushes, leaving the unconscious Diamond within. I strode up to Mister Hawk and nudged him with an elbow. “Fuckin’ gnarly, huh? Grow up so damn fast.”

“Who are you?”

“Look dude, don’t ruin this. Just sign this ’T. Hawk’ and we can both fuck off back to whatever the hell we were doin’.” He signed the slip of paper I gave him and stared after me as I walked backwards into the bushes. “Thanks for not making this weird,” I said as I disappeared into the brush.

Author's Note:

sorry I was jerking it too hard these past few months

Comments

[Starlight Nova]

What is that weird black thing beneath the human head in the picture? Also, do you do art requests?

[MonolithiuM]

8012091 If you click the image you can see it's a bit of his body; he's hanging from one arm offscreen. The flames in the background fucked with it a little, but a new coverart is finished for the next ARC after this one. That ARC I'm actually looking forward to, since there's a lot of fun corporation stuff and business shenanigans. I am not currently taking art requests since I haven't drawn much in a while, but thanks for asking!