2!] Chapter 27- Get Goin' Ya Dumb Bastards

"If you fall behind, run faster. Never give up, never surrender, and rise up against the odds." ~Jesse Jackson

Aw shit son. It was finally starting after three days of waiting around and doing fuck-all. On my agenda today were three notes of keen interest: my custom uniform order from Bereau, the team brackets, and lunch with Fancy, Fleur, Quick, Flim, Flam, and Penchant. The Championship itself started in another two days, on Monday, which I flipped my shit about when Sweetie told me. But regardless of that bullshittery, it was time to get serious.

Pfft, as if. I was gonna make these kids wish they had half my skill… and opposable thumbs. Though I had heard that minotaurs and griffons were to be joining in on the Championship, so maybe I’d be able to taunt the ponies with them.

But for the moment I had to throw thoughts of horny guys and bird people out of my mind.

Though the two did cross my mind in some role-play situations. The less said about that the better, okay?

Anyway, I was on my way to pick up the uniforms, and to be honest… It was really fucking boring on my way there. Nobody bothered me, pestered me, or tried to fuck with me in general. It was legitimately the weirded shit I had ever experienced thus far in this town.

All of the ponies just passed me by while keeping with their schedules, much as I intended to keep to mine. I even saw Pinkie bouncing along happily, albeit with a bit of a lump on her forehead. “I wonder how she managed to get that.”

Within just ten minutes I had made it to Madame Bereau’s rented home and acquired the uniforms for Ponyville’s team. Yes, I bought them with Cheerilee’s money. No, she didn’t see me take it from her desk. Yes, she does keep a healthy supply of bits left over from the Million-Bit Miracle. And fucking yes that is what they called that little mishap.

God damn it’s like I have to tell you the entire fucking story or something, sheesh.

I paid that slut, took the uniforms, and proceeded to the Schoolhouse. We had a meager team of twenty, as the rules stated. I didn’t read the rules, Sweetie read them to me. And then I forgot about them. If I did something wrong during the games, it would be a baptism by fire, just the way I liked it.

I kicked open the door of the Schoolhouse, which just barely fit the entire team, and I chucked the box at Applebloom. The cardboard container smacked her dead in the muzzle and she hit the floor hard. I myself slung my uniform over my shoulder and bid them adieu.

As I stepped outside into the light of day, I blinked and looked up into the sky. “Everything is going way too well. Where is somebody to ask me for help or berate me for doing something? Have they forgotten about me since I went into orbit?”

I held my chin and looked down at the ground, averting my gaze from the cloudless summer sky. “Come to think of it, none of my team in Canterlot has really sent me a letter since I got vomited on by that dragon.” I huffed, stuck my mittened hands in my pockets, and continued forth. I had some time to kill until the gang got here anyway.

\\\\||||////

I spiked the controller into the floor. “EAT FIREBALL, BITCH!”

I had run into Button Mash while thinking of what to do with my time, and so I asked if he wanted to play some games. Boy did he ever. It turned out that we were equally competitive, and it quickly turned into…

\\\\||||////

“GRAH! YOU DAMN MONKEY!” Button Mash shouted at his opponent, clutching his bulky controller in his hooves angrily. Until now they had been neck-and-neck, but a surprise combo and a dirty fireball from Mono and Voluptuous Vixen Vagabond had gone down for the KO.

Mono danced around on the couch, pelvic thrusting and throwing chips into the air. The human quickly sat down and grinned over at Button. “Ready to get your shit rocked again, nooblord?”

Button Mash nearly snapped his controller in half. “I was just going easy on you… Super Mega Mortal Mares is my specialty!” Button selected character select and went straight for Foxy Frozen Filly. Mono grinned and selected Curvaceous Curbstomp Chick.

The stage began to load, and the two stared dead ahead with furious determination. Mono’s smirk had disappeared. While he had reveled in his victory, Button was a worthy opponent. “If he had fingers, I’d be fucking screwed,” Mono thought to himself.

Button glanced at Mono. He knew from Sweetie Belle that this guy had games where he came from, but he had no idea that Mono had played games just like this one. “He truly is a worthy opponent,” Button said within his mind, “if a bit of a dick.” Button has one damn dirty mouth.

The stage loaded, and the two took a sidelong glance at the other, righteous fury burning in their eyes.

“3!”

“2!”

“1!”

“FIGHT!”

Immediately, the room was filled with sensual grunts, groans, and moans as the two mares with tight clothing grappled, kicked, and wrestled one another on the screen. Every attack made the other mare’s butt jiggle, and the two boys were completely oblivious to its sexual content due to their inflamed rivalry.

A symphony of growling and clicking became readily apparent as the two began to chain combos and initiate counters.

Button flew into a furious flurry of kicks, punches, and a few ass slaps as Mono’s Curbstomp Chick got juggled. “NO! FUCKING NO, YOU ASSHOLE!” Mono clutched his controller while Button grinned maniacally. Ending the eighty-seven hit combo with a final, weak low kick, Mono’s character dropped to make Button’s win.

“GODAMMIT!”

“YEAH! EAT IT, MONKEY!”

They continued like this for another hour, shouting and hollering while putting one another down virtually and verbally.

\\\\||||////

“AH! CRAP!”

“Oh, what’s wrong? Am I pushing your buttons?”

\\\\||||////

“SCREW YOU!”

“You play as stupid as your hat looks!”

\\\\||||////

“NO! NO NO NO! DAMMIT!”

“Can you say: COMBO BREAKER?”

\\\\||||////

“HOW? I HIT COUNTER, LIKE, A HUNDRED TIMES!”

“I hit you a hundred and one times!”

\\\\||||////

“…”

“Yeah, this character is pretty cheap…”

“Ban?”

“Definite ban.”

\\\\||||////

“Well, dude, I’ve gotta head to lunch with some business partners of mine,” I said to the colt. We got our play time in, though by the furious swearing and hurling of insults, one would think we hated one another. Nay, say I, it is a mutual bonding experience between two bros to habitually poke fun at and insult one another.

A bromance without shared insults isn’t a bromance at all. That’s just regular romance. And that shit is just not close enough, my homies.

But I digress, Button and I are total bros to this day, and we would go on to game many times after this. “Alright, Mono, see ya later,” Button said while I threw my coat back on and stuffed my uniform into my inside jacket pocket.

“Hey man, don’t worry that we couldn’t hang out more today. I’m sure in some other stupid-as-fuck nonsense bullshit clusterfuck universe we’re playing games all the time.”

\\\\||||////

Mono drew two explosives from his inventory, grinning from underneath his helm while Button Mash readied his greatsword. Mono’s long green waist sash blew in the wind while Button’s deep red cloak did the same.

In the real world, their physical and spiritual abilities were limited.

Here, in Equestrian Earth…

The two pushed off from their starting positions, sending chunks of earth and dust spewing from the ground as they charged one another.

“GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

A massive explosion of yellow and red ripped through the air, sending the smell of ozone and paprika through the air. Huge chunks of dirt and mud rained down around the two figures clouded by the dust left from the detonation. The silhouettes shifted as one, and then charged one another again.

Here, in Equestrian Earth, they were gods among players.

\\\\||||////

“Nah, Mono, that’s just some more of your crazy bullshit.”

\\\\||||////

I made my way through town, thankfully being ignored by everyone again, despite the fact that I found it unsettling. I both craved the attention and thanked Bejeezus for its absence, my own mind couldn’t make up its damn mind! It made no goddamn sense!

But what did in Equestria? Friendship beams? Love nukes? Refracting light into a rainbow contrail by shattering the sound and light barrier whilst simultaneously keeping a body of flesh and bone together to keep from being rent apart?

So maybe they’re all plausible because of ‘magic’, but you know what?

Fuck magic. Fuck everything it stands for. Fuck Disney, fuck the Elder Scrolls, fuck Lord of the Rings. My Little Pony ruined magic for me. That’s right, it RUINED magic for me. It’s as if every little problem they have can be told to fuck off thanks to magic.

And there’s no real explanation for it, that’s just ‘how it works’. What kind of simpleton would just explain away something that’s probably really important, like a broken leg or something, with ‘magic’? I mean…

Oh, I went off on a tangent, my bad. So, I arrived at The Spotted Lupus and saw the gang waiting at the front. Penchant stood with them, smiling and chatting up a storm. Damn that guy could talk. He usually talked about something worth remembering, and they were usually convoluted, lengthy stories that you couldn’t help but smile at when you were delivered the punchline.

Sure, he talked a lot, but he had a lot of good shit to say. When it came to me, however… Well, c’mon, let’s be honest: I’m an asshole and I purposefully say shit to piss other ponies off. Plus, my name is Mono Nucleosis. Anything coming out of my mouth is basically utilized to scorch earth and make ponies butthurt.

And so, I made my way to the group, already counting the bits in my pocket to pay for the lunch. What I didn’t expect to see was another member of the party: Sure Stitch. Upon getting to the group, they all greeted me with varying degrees of friendliness.

The only unfriendly one was Sure Bitch, that fuckin’ skank. “Why are you trying to start shit, ya skank?” I asked her. She seemed unfazed, and only threw a parchment at me before revealing a glass bottle with about two dozen orange pills within. “What the hell is this?”

“After hearing of your abilities, the other countries, along with Princesses Celestia and Luna, have officially prohibited your use of them.” I stared at her blankly while this new information ran through my mind.

“Ponies are ten times stronger than me, can fly, teleport, and generally are overpowered as FUCK! What gives you the right to take away my powers! And how are you gonna do it with no magic?”

Sure Stitch placed the bottle into my hand and began speaking. “On the paper it reads that your powers are to be nullified through use of those pills. It is signed by the Zebrican Prime Minister, the Griffonian Queen, and the King of the Minotaur Lands.” I nearly ripped the paper into a million pieces and called her a cunt.

“Fuck you, cunt!”

Okay, so I have bad self-control. Regardless, I supposed that I had no overall choice and eyed the pills. “What do they do, exactly?”

“Why should I tell you?”

“Because they could kill me, that’s why!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have called me a cunt.”

“Ugh… fine. I’m sorry I called you a cunt. I guess ‘fucking bitch’ will have to suffice. Now, what do these placebos do?”

Stitches narrowed her eyes. “Those are pills I designed to redistribute your blood cells’ abilities in a way that evenly spreads out their energy through your entire body. While you won’t be nearly as fast as before, you’ll be stronger, more alert, and have increased agility for as long as its effects last.”

“Woah woah woah, my blood cells? What does this have to do with my blood cells?”

“Your peculiar abilities stem directly from your blood cells, Mono. I took a few samples while you slept. We can’t mimic your powers by using magic, due to your immunity to it, but any being can gain your powers by drinking your blood.”

I had to take a chill pill, and not one from that bottle she just gave me. “Drinking my blood? Eww! What the fuck is wrong with you? Who tested that shit out for you?” Of course I had forgotten to ask about why the hell she wanted to take blood samples in the first place. I mean, I know that I sleep like a rock at the bottom of the ocean, but goddamn.

“There were a few batponies around who volunteered to taste it for me.”

“I thought batponies were just regular ponies disguised with magic and shit.”

“Most guards in the Lunar Division are. Some of them are the real deal, hailed straight from Neighpon, to the east. Legitimate batponies can drink blood in emergencies and have eyes well-equipped for dim lighting.”

I mulled over that information slowly. “Okay, well fuck me, there are vampires in My Little Pony. The fandom wins again. Now, let’s lose this nerd and get some food, I’m starved.”

And so, we left Sure Stitch outside and crowded around our table within.

\\\\||||////

I knew I had to pay for everything and it still came as a fucking shock when I got the bill. Nine hundred and eighty seven bits. God. Fucking. Damn. “That was fun… for you fuckers. You cover the bill next time, Quick.”

“Mono, that’s quite unchivalrous,” Fancy commented.

“Oh come on, she’s a strong, independent young mare. She can handle it. Plus, you work for Fancy and I now, Quick. Your salary is absolutely retarded.” Quick Script sighed and lowered her head in defeat. Yeah, I saw her paycheck from Fancy on her desk while I was still at the castle. What the fuck, man?

Instead of arguing with her further, I waved my hand at them and bid them adieu, I had places to be and I was in a rush. Brackets, brackets, brackets, brackets.

All I could think about were the brackets now. For the first time during my stay in Equestria, I could stick to some remote semblance of a schedule, even if it was only for the day. The brackets were to be delivered to every citizen in Ponyville. Sadly, I was a citizen of Canterlot in Ponyville, and I hadn’t exactly gone through the system by conventional means… so at the moment taxes, housing, and jobs were a mystery to me.

Regardless of that bullshit, I knocked on Twilight’s front door. “Yo, nerd! Didja get the brackets or what?” I shouted at her tree’s entrance. The door opened and I came face to face with Spike. “What’s up, homie?”

“Not much, Mono. What do you want?”

“The brackets for the upcoming game, you got ‘em?” I asked the dragon. Smiling, he pulled a scroll from behind him and handed it to me. “Thank you kindly, Spike!”

“Anyti-!” I cut him off by slamming the door in his face, unfurling the scroll and analyzing the team match-ups.

“Oh hoho, now this I like!”

The teams that were competing in this tourney were: Ponyville, Canterlot, Appleoosa, Cloudsdale, Fillydelphia, Manehatten, Stalliongrad, and Trottingham. Except Las Pegasus apparently, due to illegal gathering of funds to support their team. Something about mob activity. The griffons, zebras, minotaurs, and neighponese had also held their own version of the games, and each had a team. Except for the minotaurs, thanks to a last-second legal dispute about the coach and his so-called 'sexual deviancy'. Wuh-oh.

First up were: Ponyville and Cloudsdale.

Author's Note:

WHOOP WHOOP

The Equestrian Earth scene featuring Mono and Button is a direct nod to Equestrian Earth by Chaotic Noteworth. Props go to him for an amazing story.

I'm going to Florida for a wedding, and then I'm gonna continue regular updates of BwBb. And, if you're feeling like a short-but-silly read, head on over to Prop Hunt. It should be updated during my suffering in Florida. Joy.

1,084 views

127

Previous Chapters Next

Building Walls, Burning Bridges - MonolithiuM

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us