Best Dream

"Destiny has two ways of crushing us- by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them."~Henri Frederic Amiel

"Okay. Don't panic. You've been in this situation before. Albeit I've never spontaneously appeared on a tree stump in the middle of a statue garden…"

There were statues of equines and some other strange creatures, but I placed most of them in or around Greek Mythos. Trees, flowers, vines, and other various flora layered the area in a sort of chaotic uniformity. A garden, very nice.

Another strange sensation, as I was not on the frigid-as-Alaska plastic seat that all train potties have. It was rough, and grainy. Looking at it, it was definitely wood. A perfectly real tree stump to be exact. I took in my surroundings now, and squinted in the darkness. Definitely a garden, filled with statues, and I was sitting on a stump with my pants down and Time Magazine in my hands.

First order of business, toilet paper. I looked around, and saw practically nothing until I saw the plastic bag.

And the toiletries are several feet away.

"Story of my life." I groaned and futilely stretched for the clear plastic bag. "That's funny, I don't remember my hand having a mitten on it. It's green, so at least it's my favorite color, but I can't remember putting it on." I took a glance down at my clothing.

Same light grey slacks and tan sweater. And my pants had just slipped off my legs. "Ugh…" I hate it when that happens. "What's this?"

I couldn't reach the ground. I was about two feet off of the ground."How? This tree isn't that big! I can't reach my pants either, so now there's a huge problem."

I let a breath leave my mouth, and was surprised by what registered. A fat white mushroom-looking bubble puffed out and disappeared within seconds, leaving me blinking like an idiot. I looked at my arms and shook them up and down as fast as I could. On both sides of my body were tan blurs tipped with smaller green ones.

"Holy Mother of God."

I'm a cartoon.

"I guess this is karma for punching Joey in the throat…"

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"And the Conversationalist gets photos A-04809 through A-04814."

Celestia wiped her brow with a wing and sent off some scandalous photos of Blueblood. "Take care, Quick Script, we wouldn't want any of those photos getting to the 'public eye'." Quick Script nodded and trotted away, her scarlet coat shimmering in the early morning light.

The immortal sun princess, not goddess, let out a breath of relief and sipped her Chamomile tea. The Grand Galloping Gala had gone off without a hitch last night, and newspapers would have plenty of juicy photos to dig their hooves in. She just managed it so that all would be harmonious between the usually-cutthroat paparazzi. Made managing the rest of Canterlot, and Equestria as a whole, that much easier.

With a yawn and a stretch, she stood from her comfortable cushion and went on her morning canter. First stop was the kitchens.

As always, loud and busy. The cooks chopped vegetables and seasoned plates and stews with excellent efficiency.

"G' mornin' princess! How're you this fine day?" Sous Soufflé bowed with his hat in his hoof. A large pot of oatmeal bubbled beside him.

"Quite fine, Sous. Thank you. And good morning!" she responded cheerily.

"A fine mornin' it is, and all of Equestria thanks ye for it!" he called back as she continued down the hall.

Canterlot Palace truly was a marvel to behold, with its marble pillars and floors and elaborate decorations. Velvet curtains and upholstery plagued the estate, but in a good way of course!

Celestia rounded a corner and admired the work of a few distinct construction workers. Crunch tossed a bucket of water to Bust, who caught it with ease. Bust then lobbed the filled bucket to Dust, who splashed the contents onto Rust.

"Dammit, you guys!" Rust shouted at his brethren. They guffawed and pointed at him with their hooves.

Bust wiped a tear out of his eye. "Couldn't catch it, bro? Maybe you're getting a little rusty?"

The brothers exploded into laughter yet again, and Dust nearly fell out of the air, while Rust flared his horn. Above his brothers were buckets of water.

Celestia smiled to herself and shook her head as Dust, Bust, and Crunch shrieked under the freezing cold liquid.

Trotting out to the ballroom, she sucked in a deep lungful of air. She smiled slightly, fond memories of a Grand Galloping Gala long since past coming to mind. Now that Twilight was an alicorn princess, she had been even busier than she was before studying her own powers.

Twilight was absolutely enamored with her abilities, and she had been practicing nonstop in the preceding weeks after her transformation.

Approaching the curtained doors to her calm place, she closed her eyes and swung the doors open to her statue garden. What she saw she certainly did not expect, and it caught her off guard immediately.

It turned its bulbous, disproportionately large head her way and, with bloodshot eyes, spoke in a horridly dry, hoarse voice.

"I think there's crusted shit on my ass."

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A frightened scream later, and half the Royal Equestrian Guard was gathered just outside the statue garden. Spears poised, armor polished, and wits dimmed, they prepared for a fierce enemy.

"Ready yourselves, Stallions. For TONIGHT. WE DINE. IN TARTARUS!" Shining Armor roared at his troops, all two hundred of them. A determined and eager "AWOO!" rushed from the assembled force, and they all burst into the clearing. Surrounding the creature, they marveled at its size and build, and the various items that undoubtedly belonged to it scattered around. Its huge, brown eyes seemed to dart in confusion and fear, while its green paws retreated to its chest.

The Guard aimed all weapons, spells, and poorly thought-out plans and puns toward the supposedly-powerful being on the stump. It was about four hooves tall, quite a small thing.

Shining Armor trotted up to the stranger with pride and domination in his heart, and gazed down upon his quarry. "We'd cut you down to size, but I'm afraid there'd be nothing left, short-stuff."

The thing looked up, and its entire demeanor changed.

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"What the fuck did you just say to me, you little bitch? I'll have you know that I graduated top of my class in the Griffin Assault Ops, and I have over twenty confirmed dragon slays, and about four or five times that on ponies. I am trained in close quarters and long range combat and I'm the top practitioner of Wombo in the entire Griffin Battalion. You are nothing to me but just another assignment. I will mop the floor with you, you fucking royal bitch, mark my words. You think you can get away with that shit because you're taller than me? Think again, fucker. As we speak my SOS is going out to my secret network of changelings throughout Equestria, and your precious sister and wife are being targeted right now so you better prepare a funeral service, foal. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over two hundred ways, and that's just with me staring at you. I have access to alien weaponry the likes of which you have never seen and I will use them for their intent: to fuck your shit up so high it explodes out your mouth. If only you could have known what sadistic reckoning you had brought upon everyone you knew when you made your clever little 'joke' about my size, maybe you would have kept your muzzle shut. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying in cold hard bits, you damned imbecile. I will shit righteous firepower and hate all over you until you melt away to nothing with everyone you love. You're fucking dead, Shining. You, Twilight, and Cadenza."

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Shining froze in place at the being's words. All traces of fear, confusion, and helplessness washed from the small monster's face. Now only burning hatred seared into Armor's eyes and very soul, piercing with a gaze so filled with contempt it physically hurt him inside.

The entire guard stared in shock at the tiny, mis-proportioned creature on the stump. Their weapons had long since lowered around the first 'bitch', and now they shifted their attention to capture Captain Armor's response.

The illustrious captain of the guard quaked where he stood. "D- don't hurt them. Please…" A tear rolled down his face. The boy on the stump regarded him with an icy glare, before sighing, "Yeah, okay. Just get me some toilet paper."

Toilet paper was brought to the impish being, who used it, and it promptly pulled its leg coverings up and hopped off the stump. It now began to scheme.

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"So I'm in MLP, I'm what I suppose is a chibi, and I'm about as small as a filly or colt. I can make empty threats against Shining until I get my stuff, and possibly avoid the Mane Six before Celestia calls them. First though, to deal with these guards."

I turned around, and swung my arm grandly. "Step aside, worms." They bunched closer, huh? "Not for long."

I shot Shining a look and licked my canines, letting them glint in the morning sun. He ordered them to stand aside. Good, now we're getting somewhere. With my virtual hostage in tow, we began to make some headway.

I gathered up my things and began to walk inside, easy come, easy go. I took a minute to stare at my reflection. With my black winter coat on, I looked only somewhat intimidating. The size problem didn't help at all. In fact, I was pretty adorable looking. I was, by the looks of it, a chibi. So to confirm: I assumed I was a little taller than a filly, my Peruvian Hat allowed some of my uncombed black hair to stick out around the forehead, and my eyebrows were cartoonishly bushy and simple. My eyes though, were what drew me in.

Two huge plain brown orbs floated in seas of white. I had no pupils whatsoever. Just brown. Freaky. They had no real detail, like the rest of me. It was as if they had drawn me to life, albeit smaller and with freakish body proportions. The gloves on my hands were probably to aid in the simplicity effect that chibis radiated. Fantastic. My coat came down to just my shins, which was good, because that means that my clothes were affected by this 'chibi-radiation'. My shoes were fine too, same dress shoes as before. At least I looked presentable.

I slung the strap of my bag over my right shoulder, letting the bag itself rest on my left thigh. It too had shrunk with me. I'd check my things later.

"I need to speak with Princess Celestia alone. The Elements of Harmony may not intercede." My voice still kept its usual pitch between tenor and baritone, which I was thankful of. A high voice might have done me in at this point.

"Now, I need to-"

"HALT!"

"Fuck."

Shining Armor stared in fear at the charging Princess of the Night. Yeah, I was shitting my pants right now, because she was the one with no self-control. At least, that's what other stories labeled her as. Anticipating the blow, I hopped behind Shining Armor. What? I'm barely two feet tall as it is.

"Princess wait! He has Twily! And Cadence! Luna slowed down and came to a stop. She gazed behind Armor directly at me. This was a challenge.

"You know, Shining's married. It might not be considered socially appropriate to stare at his flank." I glanced at Shining's reaction. "Nice as it may be." He visibly bristled. Good, he's uncomfortable, that makes up for being a pushover, you turd.

Luna grinned. "Captain Shining Armor, you need not worry about them. This being is lying."

"Shit. But how?!"

"Now you are probably asking 'how'." Sweet Lord. "I will inform you. Your left eye twitched and your grip on his hind legs faltered when I peered at you. The gig is up, beast."

Shining turned around to stare incredulously at… some grass and flowers. I, meanwhile, ran like there was no tomorrow. Even though magic would probably grab me up in a few seconds, I would try to get away. I was not going to be talking to the Mane Six unless I absolutely could not avoid them. Luna smirked at me. The nerve! And her horn began glowing.

I stopped immediately, accepting my fate.

But nothing happened. Her horn shone brilliantly, and a glow constantly evaporated from my body. She couldn't get a grip. I heard grunts and grumbles of frustration and noticed that the unicorns in the guard couldn't snatch me with their magic either.

"Oh boy did I just luck out." I smiled and readjusted my shoulder bag, then took off running into the palace.

Author's Note:

It seems that many thought that the main character was Tommy Miller. BAHAHAAA!!! Hell no, the main character is the junior that punched Joey in the throat. Why would I follow the bullied kid? THAT'S EVERY HIE STORY IN EXISTENCE (almost). No. This is about the defender of Tommy, not Tommy himself. I'm pretty sure most people just read through the first few paragraphs and just stopped before seeing what actually happened. That's depressing. Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up and make sure that everyone knew who the correct character was. There was a reason I didn't reveal "the junior's" name.

People sometimes.

~Mono

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