Chapter 8
Sorry everypony I was gone so long I had Halloween then I had to go to my Dad's then I had to catch up on my stories that I was reading then Thanksgiving and just didn't want to write but I'm back now so ha. I'm sorry! Oh if I don't say that the glasses that Icy has on aren't off it's safe to say they are automatically on.
"Well Celestia I am connected to our son, in way, he is a god so it is possible for me to connect to him, you can to," the voice said. Celestia gasped.
"I didn't know that," Celestia said.
"You have a son?" Twilight asked. Celestia nodded.
"Ohhh who is he?" Pinkie asked. Celestia pointed at me. Everypony gasped.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Rarity asked.
"He doesn't remember, when a god dies they go to a realm where they live another life and when they die there they come back,"Celestia said. I just sat there staring at her. She smiled. I ran up to her and hugged her.
"I knew it, I knew you were my mom," I said into her shoulder. Celestia hugged me back.
"I knew you were going to know," Celestia said.
"Wait, who is Dad," I asked. The voice laughed.
"I am," It said. I shook my head.
"I want to see the real you," I said. There was a bright flash and Discord was standing there. Everypony gasped.
"Discord, your my father?" I asked.
"Why yes I am," He said. I gasped.
"So how old am I?" I asked several hours later after everypony settled down.
"Your 13,000 years old," Discord said. I gasped.
"Wow," I said.
"Ya your pretty old aren't you?" Vinyl asked. I nodded and hugged her tight. She giggled and hugged me back. The rest of the night went by pretty well, except for the fact that Discord had to sleep in my room because I was the only pony that trusted him. The next morning I awoke at 6 am, took a shower and did my thing that I have started on a routine in the morning but after some cereal for breakfast, I had to pack up because I was leaving back to Ponyville. I was just finishing packing up when I realized something bad. 'Crap, what is going to happen to Discord?' I asked myself. I ran into the hall and started sprinting to Celestia's room when I accidentally ran into somepony. I looked at who I accidentally knocked over to see it was Vinyl.
"I'm so sorry Vinyl," I smiled and picked her back up. Vinyl pushed away.
"Who are you?" Vinyl asked putting her glasses back on and starting to walk away. I was shocked. I started to tear up 'How could she not know me?' I asked myself.
"It's me, Iceflame," I said. I started walking next to her. Vinyl snorted and walked faster.
"Look if you want autographs then wait till later," Vinyl said walking faster. I grabbed her in my magic and started playing a song. (Take you there by Sean Kingston)
[Chorus:]
We can go to the tropics
Sip pina coladas
Shorty I could take you there
Or we can go to the slums
Where killers get hung
Shorty I could take you there
You know I could take you (I could take you...)
I could take you (I could take you...)
Shorty I could take you there
You know I could take you (I could take you...)
I could take you (I could take you...)
Shorty I could take you there
Baby girl I know it's rough but come with me
We can take a trip to the hood
It's no problem girl it's my city
I could take you there
Little kid with guns only 15
Roam in the streets up to no good
When gun shots just watch us, run quickly
I could show you where
As long as you're with me
Baby you'll be alright
I'm known in the ghetto
Girl just stay by my side
Or we can leave the slums go to paradise
Baby it's up to you,
It's whatever you like
[Chorus]
Shorty come with me it's no worry
I know the bad men them where they ah stay
Police fly pursuit in a hurry
This is no gun play
Don't be scared in a deh West Indies
It's Jamaica, that's where I'm from
Might see something that you're not used to
Welcome to the slums
As long as you're with me
Baby you'll be alright
I'm known in the ghetto
Girl just stay by my side
Or we can leave the slums go to paradise
Baby it's up to you,
It's whatever you like
[Chorus]
Oh we (oh we)
Can go (can go)
To a place (to a place)
I know you're gonna like (oh oh oh)
The beach (the beach)
The breeze (the breeze)
West Indies, I call it paradise
[Chorus]
"Look kid you got talent but I have to eat breakfast with the Princesses," Vinyl said. I let her go out of my magic grasp and started walking the same way with her but 20 strides behind. When I got to the dining hall everypony was there.
"Hello Princess Celestia," I said with my head down. Everypony in the dining room looked at me funny.
"I'm sorry but do I know you?" the Princess asked me.
"Does anypony know me?" I cried. Everypony just looked at like I was some kind of maniac.
"I don't," Twilight said. Everypony just agreed. I huffed angrily, grabbed my stuff and headed out to the train for Ponyville. On the way I saw a statue sitting in the gardens of the castle. It was none other then Discord himself in the exact way from the Elements put him there.
"He moved this morning, Vinyl" a male voice said.
"Really how?" Vinyl asked.
"He turned to his side and turned back about 10 minutes later," the male said.
"Do you think he will ever come back, Doctor?" Vinyl asked. The Doctor nodded.
"He has a slim chance but it's still a chance," The Doctor said. Vinyl started crying, she walked up to a bed with a pony in it hooked up to machines.
"Can we be alone, Doctor?" another feminine voice asked.
"Of course your majesty," the Doctor said closing the door behind him as he left.
"I still can't believe Iceflame slipped into a coma 2 years ago at my birthday party where he found out who his father is," the feminine voice said.
"Yes it is Princess Luna," Vinyl said hugging her and crying her tear ducts dry.
I sighed sadly on the train to Ponyville. 'How could everypony forget who I am in one night?' I asked myself. 'I don't know don't ask me' I replied to myself.
"Great now I'm going crazy," I yelled out. I realized what I did and I looked around to see if anypony heard me but the odd thing was is that it looked like none of the ponies noticed me there. I jumped up and danced in front of a couple of ponies but nopony could see me, I even punched a pony as hard as I could but nothing would happen, the pony didn't even notice the strike.
"What is happening," I yelled to the world.
There finished with that chapter sorry it's short I'm running out of time tonight and I really wanted to put a new chapter out so I did this. Hope you enjoyed. If you liked this story please leave a comment, telling me how I'm doing with this. Thank you my little bronies Brohoof /)
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Earth Galvanising · 59k words · 380 31 · 7.4k views
- Thadius0 · 60k words · 2,809 110 · 35k views
- zeusdemigod131 · 402k words · 2,531 171 · 42k views
- SleepyBear · 51k words · 810 55 · 16k views
- Tailslover13 · 289k words · 513 37 · 19k views
- Harold_Genhi · 60k words · 90 2 · 5.5k views
- Jman9877 · 278k words · 270 23 · 5.2k views
- Radiant Dawn · 220k words · 375 24 · 5.9k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.125 seconds
Total duration
1,208 users online
1,784,748 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
MY BRAIN
This fic gave me
OH BOY; WATERMARKED, UNRELATED, UNFUNNY, AND UNNECESSARY COVER IMAGES! WE'RE OFF TO A GOOD START!
I-
th-
8th-circuit.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/500x262/deadpool-you-have-failed-me-brain.jpg
When I get up tomorrow, I'm probably going to review this.b!!engage ACTIVE REVIEW mode!!
For starters, I'm ignoring ALL THINGS GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT until the end of this review.
Okay, let's start at the start, shall we?
This is all good 'n fine so far, but I know nothing of the character. What is your character's appearance?
The TV remote was in the kitchen?
From what you've described, your character hasn't looked at a clock. At all. How does he know what time it is? Is he the best time-keeping thirteen-year-old to have ever existed?
He 'flew' over it? Didn't 'jump' or 'leap' or 'briskly walk around' it? When you say 'flew,' I imagine he literally flew over it like superman.
Okay, NOW I'm going to bed. I'm too tired to review this.
I'll see you in the morning.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdcl7i1oiX1qco8o9.gif
1761347 Yeah, same.
1761313 one of my tp 5 favorite gifs of the fandom haha
helpful time!
I suggest you get a cover image that has more to do with the story, or at the very least remove the watermark, i'll do this for you if you like.
also your title is incorrect "One day to change it all" should be "One Day to Change it All"
in the future don't release a bunch of chapters at once, if you lengthen them out to about 2-5000 words per week you can keep readers interested and give yourself breathing room to prepare more of the story.
I won't tear into you too hard since this is likely your first story and you only signed up to fimfiction to post it. but it would be wise to research some other HiE's and find what appeals to the readers.
good luck!
HA HA! Vaporized!
If you're going to write something about cartoon ponies in the real world then you need to use real world physics. A meteor, the size of a school desk, would have the force of about 1 ton of TNT. That's more than enough to destroy your house and the surrounding neighbourhood.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdci0oFNOD1ribnwko1_500.gif
Oh boy! Another self-insert Mary Sue pile of crap!
1761201 Who else but Regidar?!
NNNNNNNOPE
nope. no sir. no thank you, sir.
http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=1977
we can help you come and we will help you fix this
Hey man, you just wrote 19 thousand words. That's fantastic. I'm guessing you're young (your protagonist is 13), and if you're writing nearly 20 thousand words of anything, then you're off to a great start. Keep it up, and you'll notice yourself improving greatly.
Congrats on this so far, and I applaud your commitment.
1761201 :3
I was just about to feast on the flesh of an innocent when I saw which song you posted for me to listen to. After cooling down to some Nice tunes I instead took the eyes of a crow and then fired them from an air rifle at said innocent.
Hmmm.... I'm not sure what to think. There's a lot of run-on sentences and unnecessary words and stuff. That makes it a bit hard to follow because I want to stop every time I see an error and yell, "Whoa! There should be a period there!" or something along those lines. But you DID write eight chapters, and that's pretty darn good! You're clearly determined, and determination is exactly what you need to become good at anything. All I'm saying is, keep practicing, keep that awesome determination, and you'll be an awesome writer!
(And if this makes you feel better, my fic got like, twenty dislikes in the first ten minutes, and a whole lotta *facepalm* comments, too. So you're doing really well!)
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2812-132895365478.jpg
Can you possibly have enough commas???????
Element-based username? Check.
OC alicorn with multicolored mane? Check.
Terrible, terrible grammar? Check.
COMPLIMENT: Respectable troll 9/10.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4njl6jhGW1rv5j9yo1_500.gif
i682.photobucket.com/albums/vv188/skieslikesteel/animations/BeakerFreakout.gif
Not exactly very spectacular story or plot. The grammar is really off, the phasing is bad and the OC is horribly Mary Sue-ish.
I would write a five paragraph long review as to why this story has so many dislikes but I believe four gentlemen here has already pointed out the reasons.
Alot of the feedback on this story is probably not doing anything for your motivation, no matter how true it may be, so I suggest you follow the link Mr Stargaser set up; it will do you alot of good. Better luck next time, chap.
Look people if you don't like it don't be so harsh I bet your first Fanfic didn't do so well either. I have been reading bigger books then everyone my age since I could read. I realize my mistakes now but you don't have to be so immature about it. Stop thinking your all that and the best there will ever be, if you don'y like it just say "Hey you tried but there are some mistakes and if you want I can point them out". You think you are mature but your not. Don't be a disgrace to the brony community and be jerks it's called Love and Tolerance and if you were a true brony you would know that.
Look people if you don't like it don't be so harsh I bet your first Fanfic didn't do so well either. I have been reading bigger books then everyone my age since I could read. I realize my mistakes now but you don't have to be so immature about it. Stop thinking your all that and the best there will ever be, if you don'y like it just say "Hey you tried but there are some mistakes and if you want I can point them out". You think you are mature but your not. Don't be a disgrace to the brony community and be jerks it's called Love and Tolerance and if you were a true brony you would know that. 1765189 I thank thee who was nice to me.
static2.fjcdn.com/comments/quot+juleaet+quot+_88e825109c45765091266e543a7f8672.png
I still think it's awesome ^^ ps you just got spammed
I'm confused Since when did a 13 year old drive a car? And how dose he know how to drive?
Please clear this up for me
1761626
When I was 13 I did both of those things