While attending a magic conference in Canterlot, Twilight is summoned by the Princess. A crisis in the north is brewing - a clan of druids who have learned how to manipulate magic despite not being unicorns has been discovered. The damage they could cause due to their lack of control could ravage the northern lands - or worse, open a portal to Tartarus.
Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash are sent to assist an intelligence agent defuse the situation. There they meet an old acquaintance, friendly druids, and an ancient evil filled with vengeance.
Additional tag: [Pulp Adventure]. So don't expect incredible character development or nothin'. This was written primarily to get a trashy adventure story out of my system. Constructive criticism very much welcome.
Cover artwork is from the Dark Souls Design Works artbook. I honestly can't say what it is of.
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!
I dunno muffins or something?
1609368
Here's a tip: Don't say First.
You can get your account banned.
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1609398. But I NEVER get to do it
1609405
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I'm sory mommy d-don't be m-mad
Apologies to you, author.
I shall comment with an actual review soon, but first posters like 1609422 really Jitter my Critters. Had to reply.
Anyways. Readin'
1609429 hey I never do first post's I did it this ONCE and I get shouted at
It's not FAIR
And don't say that Life's not fair crap coz I already know
1609444
Anyone who first-posts on Fimfic gets shouted at.
And it's well deserved.
I'd also recommend deleting the original comment.
I wasn't joking about first posters getting banned.
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Also, stop being so damn emo about it.
1609454 who said anything about emo
I'm just saying my life is crappy at the minute
1609680 Tomayto, tomahto.
Alrighty, now for some actual reviewing
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Technical doohickeys:
Spelling seems to be fairly competent. No major mistakes that I can see
Grammar is okay as well. Minor slip-ups, like misplaced commas and run-on sentences do occur, but in low enough numbers to ignore.
You really need to work on your pacing, however. Like, a lot. You have a real tendency to lean towards Purple Prose.
Take "No small pony was Rocky, but a great big stallion he was", for example. I mean, that's just excessive.
You have some good similes and metaphors throughout the fic, but that may be part of your downfall. They stretch the story out longer, slowing it down even more.
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Story-based thingumabobs:
Here's a problem with the main story: All ponies can already use magic.
Sure, there are different kinds of magic, but it's not like Earth have none whatsoever. They have many earth-based powers (crop stuff, primarily), and Pegasi have the innate ability to manipulate the weather.
I've never heard of Druids being called "Wizards who worship Demons" before...
Since when does Twilight call Celestia "milady"?
For that matter, why couldn't Celestia go? Or Luna? And why didn't Rarity, Pinkie or 'Shy go with Twi too?
The Hinterlands are never really described. All we've got to work with is the name and “It’s up in the North. Sparsely populated”. I've got an image in my head, but I've got no clue how close that is to your vision
And "Regular Ponies"? Really?
Also, I thought Sybil was a Girl's name?
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Conclusion:
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This story has plenty of potential, but also has a lot of wrinkles that need ironing out. I'd recommend you stick with it, but touch up the first couple of chapters too.
Pacing needs the most work. Long, detailed descriptions have their place, but need to be kept under control to avoid stalling the fic.
Plot-holes are also a problem, but I'm fairly sure you could sort them out with a quick brainstorm. Some of these could even be fixed with a simple re-wording, I'm sure.
As to what you do next, I'd say getting some pre-readers to check for things like this in the future should be top of your priority list.
It always helps to see things from another's point of view.
Hope this helps!
~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
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1610225
Alright. Thank you muchly for the review. I just want to respond to a few little things.
Commas, yeah. I have a torrid love affair with them. Pacing is always one of my weaknesses. I have a tendency to frontload the story with slow, expository bits and then have rushed action conclusions.
Yeah, I had a flavor quote at the beginning that I apparently erased for some reason. I'm gonna edit it back in since it explains something I forgot to slip into the Twilight/Trotson exchange.
On the subject of who goes on the mission... I had plans for all of the Mane Six to go but I had no roles for them to play once they got there. The only arc I could figure was Applejack and Rainbow Dash so I weakly handwaved them into going. Never gave thought about Celestia or Luna going, but reflecting on how the narrative developed they'd be a little too powerful.
The druids are meant to be more along the lines of how they'd be represented in a pulp novel/film. This whole thing was an experiment at writing a slightly dumb, pulpy fic.
Cybil's a girl's name, not Sibyl. But I apparently didn't do proper research and didn't notice that sibyls are female prophetesses. Looks like it's time to search and replace. :/
I also explain more about the Hinterlands next chapter. I didnt want to overburden chapter one with too much exposition.
Bleah, I feel like I'm being a l'il defensive.
But that review was pretty helpful. And I do have a couple friends who preread, but one's busy with another of my fics and the other's busy with... I dunno. I'm also never very confident when approaching new prereaders, and never sure where to find them.
Anyway thanks again for the review and I'll be sure to take it to heart. :3 (also I did stick with it, I'm just staggering chapters because nobody likes to get slapped with like 25k words in one go)
1610415
No problem dude.
I feel my review may have come off more negatively than I wanted. Meh. I blame the Brandy. Oh, and First-posters
I'm fairly sure you could sprinkle some Handwavium over the Princesses, saying something about a national crisis, impending war, Changeling infiltration or even preparing for the incoming Druids preventing them from leaving their posts.
Same kinda thing applies to the Mane6. Have Twi invite all of them along, but Rarity, 'Shy and Pinks can't make it for various reasons. Probably something to do with Sweetie B, animals and the Cakes, respectively.
Hinterlands I'd feel could do with a small explanation early on. Nothing major, just stick some Pine trees and Hills in there when describing the Druid's meet up or something (at least, that's what I imagine when Hinterlands are mentioned).
As for prereaders, there are plenty of groups dedicated to those willing to help, like this one, among others. Don't hesitate to give them a shot dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
Alicorn OC? I shall down vote into oblivion!!!
Kidding, of course. I actually quite liked that addition- though he was only there for a moment... And now, sh
t is going down.
The OC did not have make outs with Twilight so all is OK
DEUS EX MACHINA INBOUND
That said, I know it's rather poor form to self-congratulate, but I really like the speech the angel of Purpose gives. That and the Applejack scene with RBD are probably my favourite scenes in the story.
Bugger, it's not paying attention to the extra spaces I put in there. :v
I can't tell if that's a sweet ending or the most depressing one ever... Either way, this was highly interesting, though it seemed to go by a bit fast.
Well, this certainly sounds like a dire mission, but all this about 'impurities' and 'proper magic' seems a little sketchy.
The bit with Pinkie, Celestia, and Trotson is great.
Or has he?
Very well done, bravo. This was impressive from start to finish and felt solid all the way through. Augur was especially well done.
7151226
Thanks. I actually had to think for a moment on who Augur was - I haven't thought about this fic in a few years haha.
Very nice first chapter. I'm interested on how this will go.
You can has review!