• Member Since 30th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 8th, 2018

Commissar Rarity

You call this romance, Charlotte?


Funny how things turn out. Trixie, disgraced from both her failures in Ponyville, is a vagabond who finds solace in a bottle. Until one day, a griffon shows her the truth behind her lineage: The Lulamoon family were once proud demon hunters. And the griffon nation of Prussia is in bad need of a demon hunter.

One of their sacred castles, Fortnight, has fallen prey to an onslaught of demons. And as it turns out, Trixie's the only demon hunter left in the land of Equestria. Except for the part where she's not really a demon hunter.

As if a castle of horrors isn't bad enough, Trixie also has to put up with a mysterious girl haunting and fighting her every step of the way.

This is being written solely to learn more about action scenes, so please comment on what needs to be done better. It's also inspired by Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Rising, and Bayonetta. Expect references, both subtle and explicit.
Cover art by MScootaloo; used with permission. It's how Trixie looks in the story.
[NaPoWriMo 2013] Entry One
Link to Entry Two.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 35 )

Nobody else could take a sword to the stomach and come back.

That's almost like taking an arrow to the knee. And I was going to ask about OC's in the story, but you said that Trixie is on a solo mission, so that idea was killed before it was born.

Now, it starts getting interesting. I will track for now, but you have to earn a like from me. Keep writing a good story and I will like it.

Definitely a Devil May Cry spin to the story. Very nice.

More Bayonetta, because I was thinking of Jeanne and Bayonetta when I wrote that scene, not Vergil/Dante.

Thanks for the comments, I always appreciate them. They give me power and slight motivation.

3156257 My mistake. I never played either game so I don't know. Still, keep up the great writing. This story has me hooked.

I just thought of something that would add an interesting spin to the story. What if you had a demon help Trixie exterminate demons. And to add to it, they fall in love with each other, only for the demon to sacrifice itself at the end to save Trixie. I don't know, I just thought of this and I thought it would be cool.

Uh, thanks, but no thanks. I have the story pretty well mapped out and I can't really shoehorn anything new in.

So, when writing original characters, I like to envision voice actors in certain roles to help me write the character better. For Wynward I envisioned Liam O'Brien, who you might recognise from such things as Persona 3 (Akihiko), Darksiders (War), Fallout New Vegas (every NCR soldier ever), and apparently he was in Naruto (Gara? I don't watch that show).

I also like to use music to choreograph fight scenes. I meant to include links in the previous chapters to the songs I used for those but I forgot. (If you look up Roar of Anger ~ Suffer on the tube of yous, you can find the first one and if you look up Red & Black Bayonetta you can find the second one.) This chapter's song joint was the infamous RULES OF NATURE.

Good day, this review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors

Grammar: 7/10

Pros: -Cool concept
-Good fighting scenes
-video game like flow

Cons: -Repetitive
-Word dropping
-Weak characterization

Notes: As an avid DMC fan myself a Trixie demon hunter is a pretty badass concept and the fight sequences do justice to the flashy choreography of the series. That said, that't pretty much the extent of the "story". I understand you are using this as sort of a testing ground for sharpening your fight scene writing, but even still it could use more meat. For example, I can't really tell the main heroin is Trixie by her mannerisms and it might as well be an OC. She's definitely one of the more interesting side characters ripe for exploration, and you did a good job choosing her as a demon hunter; now you gotta expand that cool concept you got going. Games like DMC or Bayonetta are style over substance too and have pretty weak plots (well, at least by MGS or JRPG standards) but they still feature colorful worlds and likable characters. As it stands now, this story is just a bunch of fight scenes, albeit well done. Having better developed characters and also more descriptions of the scene (for example just saying its a court yard or it's an ent does me nothing) will go a long way in creating a world I care about and a world Id like to see a fight take place in.

Anywho, if you can give me a hand with my story, I'd be much obliged.

I've never played Bayonetta or DMC, but the fight made me think of Sayaka v. Sakura from Madoka, :pinkiehappy:

Woah, somebody actually reviewed one of my fics. o3o

What do you mean by word dropping? I know I sometimes use larger words that a lot of people don't have in their vocab, but I wasn't aware I did any of that in this fic.

Yeah, character development. I'm working on that. The next few chapters should do well with fleshing out both Trixie and Sunset a little more, and I know the ending will definitely do that.

I am completely aware there isn't much meat to the fic. It'll get meatier as I go on, mainly because now I'm slowly introducing "bosses" with actual character to the mix. (The real problem: Can I make long, Metal Gear-style conversations engaging to the reader? Or, for that matter, can I actually write long, Metal Gear-style conversations?)

And yes, scene description. My mortal enemy. I usually have a firm grasp of the overall layout and appearance of areas in my writing, and I try to write as much of it out as I can. I just get into a flow and afterwards it feels really awkward to slip description in and interrupting the flow.

Thanks for the review! I'll give your fic a shot over the next few days. It might take most of the week though - I'm lazy as hell and am kinda busy today and tomorrow and I really want to write the next chapter before tackling your fic.
e: of course it would help if I actually put your fic into read later or left it open in a tab, wouldn't it

I hope that was the only video of that fight you could find. The dub is so good, I can't imagine anything else. (and yes, I was inspired to use best meguka's fighting style as a basis for Sunset's fighting style)


By word dropping I'm talking using fantasy elements without really describing what they are. Like you just say Seraph and expect people to know what it is. Even if you're familiar with a bit of Hebrew mythology that's still not much to go by since a FF Seraph looks completely different from a Persona Serpah, or Xenogears....you get the idea. Just more descriptions interspersed here and there would really help flesh things out.

As for my story, just whenever it's convenient for ya is fine. I'm not looking for a formal review or anything. Just some gut opinion is all I want and I'd be happy.

Ahhhh, that. In that situation, at least, I assumed the reader would be able to connect the mention of wings to seraph and realise seraph is just the human term for pegasus. I guess I failed at that bit.

More music for your listening enjoyment (if you don't, tough. Deal with the buttrock and embrace it). Monsoon definitely helped inspire this opponent, from the chinking away at Trixie's mental armour to the use of sai as weapons.

*Reads the title of story, this pops into head*

But faving it, liking the flow:)

it's a homage not a rip-off

Vautor was inspired partially by Ocelot, but also by the lowmen from Stephen King's The Dark Tower.

e: never mind I had a kneejerk reaction to something. Nothing to see here.

Trixie found the exit to the Forest of Hesitation. She hesitated for a second,

How appropriate, :trollestia:

Yeah, the ending sucks. Not really my forte. To be honest, I kinda lost steam on this a while ago and was just puttering by on fumes. I do feel I've learned stuff about action, after writing seven chapters that are practically non-stop action. I cut out about... geez, three, four chapters worth of stuff.

There was meant to be a Sunset/Trixie duel in the Forest of Hesitation that ended with their begrudging treaty, which would then lead into a chapter solely devoted to the aviary and an actual fight between Trixie and Vautor, but I cut that because I thought the gun duel would be cooler.

I also intended there to be a chapter where Trixie braved Tartarus alone and fought a Beholder. Google that if you don't know what it is, my link to wikipedia isn't working for some reason.

There was also going to be a final Trixie/Sunset duel where Sunset was left for dead for real this time. That would've made her tossing the spear to Trixie during the final battle more surprising.

Hastur and Reasons had their own, separate chapters but when they started to be really flimsy on the content I combined them.

And yeah, Reasons is basically Armstrong from Metal Gear Rising. I really lost inspiration on this fic, and I'm sorry. But again, I have learned some stuff from this:
A) I'm decent at fight scenes
B) I shouldn't make a fic based solely on fight scenes again.

Yeah, they're magical girls instead of unicorns.

If you wanna get technical I guess guy unicorns would be magical boys as humans. I was just making sly references to an anime genre instead of giving much thought to magic systems beyond the need for a catalyst like in Demon's/Dark Souls.

Thanks but no thanks, I like magical girl/boy better as a name.

Good fic
I kinda like the open final and the part whe trixie saw twilight
Pd: This deserve a sequel!

Comment posted by Dragonlover553 deleted Oct 12th, 2013

I read through this and I can see why this was labeled an exercise. I didn't find the story itself very engaging. It's just Trixie finds out she's a demon hunter, shrugs about, and then fights demons. In fact, if you were to replace the names, this could have been an original story altogether.

I do feel the fight scenes were handled okay. Some of the wording got a little repetitive, but flows well, so kudos on that.

I didn't feel like I wasted my time reading this, but it could have used a little more. Till next time!

Thanks for the honest opinion. They're always greatly appreciated.

I didn't find the story itself very engaging. It's just Trixie finds out she's a demon hunter, shrugs about, and then fights demons.

Yeah the Hero's Call is more like a Hero's Excuse in this fic, which is one of the many things wrong with it.

In fact, if you were to replace the names, this could have been an original story altogether.

And that right there is the main reason I've stopped writing pony fiction. I'd get grand ideas and then go "Why am I wasting these on free fanfiction when I could publish them on Amazon and at least make some extra cash?"

Some of the wording got a little repetitive

I'll take your word for it, but I really was trying my best not to make it repetitive. Though today while doing a Search+Replace for a phrase in a original story I was writing I discovered I used a term 58 times in ~9000 words, most in two action scenes.

I didn't feel like I wasted my time reading this,

That's all I want to hear from people who read my stuff. Seriously. I just want to know that somebody felt that they didn't waste time reading the drivel I pretend is a (somewhat) sensical story.

Till next time!

Not unless you somehow stumble across me on Amazon's Kindle store. I'm afraid I've retired from writing pony fiction for the time being. Feel free to read my other stuff and get mad that I never completed three other longform fics.

So, Trixie's an unwilling Dante. Awesome!

Revolver Ocelot|tolecO revloveR

“The castle is called Fortnight,” said the gruff griffon colonel, peering out at the mountains far beneath them. The airship rumbled quietly to itself in the background. “It was the first capital of the Griffin Republic, before it was moved to the Castle Altair deeper inside Prussia.

That's subtle.

“I never knew a semi-automatic could have such art. I would morn my own death were it not so… artistically done. Magic, instead of bullets.” He coughed, globs of blood spitting from his mouth. “I never wanted to kill you, you know. Such beauty, going to waste.

So Legends Thrawn was reincarnated as a demon only to be killed again okay...

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