Chapter 53 - "Ace in the Hole"
A few days earlier.
It was nearly midday where the annihilated buildings covered in vines were. The buildings had been corroded and the plant life had overgrown everywhere and on everything, showing that the area was long abandoned. Until now, that is, when the only sound made in the area was the sound of an engine purring.
"We're finally here," Wash murmured, staring at the crumbled remains of the Freelancer offsite storage facility as his warthog began to slow down. "And he better be here too, otherwise this has been a waste of time."
"Don't be like that," Doc said, looking at the previously grey Freelancer. "It's about the journey, not the destination."
"No. It is all about the destination. I didn't make you guys come with me for company, I made you come with me to help find the Director so we can find out what the hell happened to the others," he said, glancing down at the Epsilon unit on his side. "At least I hope he can tell us what the hell happened."
Parking the warthog near a decrepit cement pipe, Wash hopped out of the driver's seat and began walking towards one of the destroyed buildings. Stopping inside the building, he glanced back at his two annoying passengers.
"Do you really think he's here?" Doc asked, looking around at his annihilated surroundings.
"No, I parked here because I thought we could have a picnic," Wash remarked sarcastically.
"Aw, you shouldn't have. And what a nice location," Donut said, smiling brightly under his helmet as he hopped out of the vehicle. "If you told me, I would have helped you make the sandwiches!"
"This place doesn't really seem like a nice place to me," Doc murmured, following Donut. "It looks like the kind of place where insects would be all over the place. Nobody likes insects at a picnic."
"Well then, it's a good thing we're not actually having a picnic," Wash sighed, then nodded towards the building. "Now come on. We need to see if there are any signs that the Director is actually here. If he's not, then we have nowhere else to look and these past few months of searching would have been wasted. And I don't consider a road trip with you two to be a noteworthy event."
"Considering how long it took us to get here, how could it not be?"
"Yeah, think of all the bonding we had!" Donut said.
"I'd rather not," Wash said, then glanced around quickly and walked into the building with the others following closely. "Alright, let's explore the area. With any luck, we'll find something within the next week of searching. If you find anything you think could be remotely related to what we're doing, call me over."
"Right!" Donut said, then walked away to begin looking for anything he could find that was out of place.
"I really wish we fixed the robot up," Wash said as Doc went off in a different direction. "Even if he did speak Spanish, at least I'd be able to talk to him with a sense of talking to something intelligent."
"Hey, I think I found something," Doc called out.
"Already? I swear, if I come over there and it's a leaf that looks like it's a different shade of green..." he murmured as he walked around the corner. He stopped when he saw Doc examining something on the wall and Donut walking towards them from the other direction. "Wait a second. Is that what I think it is?"
"That depends if you think it seems to be some kind of computer," Doc said, then touched the screen.
The screen then lit up and began to glow a dark blue. Looking at the top of the screen, the trio saw a name displayed at the top compromising of five letters.
"F.I.L.S.S?" he inquired, feeling slightly more optimistic. "F.I.L.S.S, it's me, Agent Washington."
"Searching data files," the computer said, pausing for a moment. "Name recognized."
"Great, let us in."
"I apologize, Agent Washington, but only authorized personnel may enter. While I recognize your name, you are not on the list."
"Am I an authorized person?" Doc asked.
"If I'm not authorized, why would you be authorized?" Wash inquired spitefully.
"Couldn't hurt to ask. Hey, uh, F.I.L.S.S? Am I authorized?" the medic asked, looking to the terminal on the wall.
"Who are you?"
"Medical Officer Super Private First Class Frank DuFresne."
"Searching data files," the computer said quietly, then fell into a brief, three second pause. "I apologize, but you are not on the authorized personnel list."
"What about me? I'm Private Franklin Delano Donut."
"Searching data files," she said again, but this time fell into a longer silence. "I apologize, but you are not on the list either."
"Wow, this must be an exclusive club," Donut remarked. "How many people are on the list?"
"I am afraid that I am not allowed to disclose that information to unauthorized personnel."
"Are you allowed to tell us how many people are inside?" Wash inquired tiredly, not expecting an answer.
"Only one," she replied.
"So the Director is here?" he asked hopefully, hand darting to the Epsilon unit.
"I am afraid that I am not allowed to-"
"F.I.L.S.S, you have to let us in!" Wash demanded, bringing the unit up to the screen. "We have to see the Director about something. We're not here to harm him, we're just going to ask some questions related to the Epsilon unit."
"As much as I'd like to help you, I am programmed not to let you in. If you were an authorized personnel , however..."
"I get it, we're not authorized!" he snapped in frustration.
"Then we have nothing else to discuss," F.I.L.S.S said.
The screen then shut down and returned to its off state. Angry, Wash kicked the root of the tree and stormed outside. Donut and Doc shared a look with each other and followed him. Once outside, Wash walked back to the warthog and placed the Epsilon unit on it and began to stare at it.
"So what now?" Doc asked curiously.
"I'm not sure, but the Director is definitely here..." he grunted. "There has to be a way we can convince F.I.L.S.S to let us in. We just have to come up with some sort of plan that would actually work."
"Oh, what about that large crack?" Donut inquired, looking towards a tall but thin hole in the wall.
"I don't know, Donut. It looks like it's a tight squeeze," Doc noted.
"If there's anything I love, it's tight squeezes! It makes you so much more satisfied when you manage to find your way inside," Donut said merrily as he walked towards the crack in the wall.
"Doc, don't encourage him," Wash grunted as he grabbed the Epsilon unit and began walking after Donut to examine the hole in the facility. "Besides, we don't know if this hole leads anywhere. Judging by our luck so far, it's probably a dead end."
"Only one way to find out," Donut said with a shrug.
"Donut, maybe we should get the hole tested first. Who knows when the last time it was cleaned? You might catch something in there."
"Don't worry, Doc. I'm always wearing protection!" he said, holding his arms to his side to show off his lightish-red armor. He then turned around and began to crawl inside. "Man, this really is a tight squeeze. Maybe I really should take off my armor so I can-"
"Don't you dare," Wash growled as he saw Donut slowly get swallowed up by the hole.
"What's it like in there?" Doc asked after a few seconds.
"Well, it's pretty cramped, for one. It's also dark and smells pretty bad in here," Donut replied, then went quiet again. Wash opened his mouth to tell him to come out, but stopped himself when he heard Donut gasp. "Wow, it suddenly got a lot lighter and roomier in here!"
"It did?" Wash asked, trying to peek through the crack, but saw nothing. "What did you find?"
"It looks like I'm in a hallway of sorts, and it's lit up by a bunch of lights. There's more than enough room for all three of us to fit in here."
"Looks like we're in," Wash said, quickly going inside after Donut.
"Are you sure it's clean in there?" Doc asked again.
"Come on already before I force you in," Wash growled.
"Hey, just because we're wearing protection doesn't mean we don't run the risk of catching anything. The safest way to avoid catching a disease is to avoid holes all together."
"And the safest way to avoid getting shot is to take orders from the guy with the gun."
"Good point," Doc said, shuffling in after Wash.
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Just a few chapters to fill some holes for ya. Should just be two or three. And don't worry, your favorite bimbo and robo will be in later.
good to see progress with the other characters
My dirty mind! Why must you scrutinize every detail?
My god, the inuendos. Or should I say in-your-endos. Huh, huh?
er,hkjmhnkjhnkjwfejhnkeffewjhnkjnhkhnkjhkjnwfeffv
FILLER!!!! But Wash, Donut, and Doc are here.
Wow I cant believe Wash put up with those two for months! And isn't Doc used to being in walls...
well seems like we got a package deal instead of only 1 of them
I think there's something wrong with those...
And best freelancer has arrived!
Wait... are we already halfway done with the story? (sad face)
2705442 Now, when you 'fill' and 'holes'...?
Oh the sexual innuendos, they make me lol. Can't wait to see what happens next!
2705568
I don't see Meta anywhere? ;)
Of course Doc has to abide by the golden rule: He who has the gun makes the rules
2705598
Clearly you have over looked your profile picture.
Wow, you really nailed donut.
heh. bow chicka wow-wwwwwait a minuet...uh...never mind.
2705442 And as we all know, Donut loves filling in holes!
2705552 in walls, not in holes in walls, bow chika bow wow, the epsilon unit should say that. Bowchikabowwow
YAY. TIME FOR DONUT AND WASH AND DOC AND SHIT.
So. That's your workaround? I'm down with it.
YO QUIERO LOPEZ. >:(
Seriously, there's something about having a character who knows how to properly resolve all the zany problems around him, if only he could communicate the solution.
2705442
Oh, he's coming later. Nevermind.
Are you talking about Sister? It's pretty clear she's dead. Still could be good for a laugh though, at Grif's expense.
Oh dear Luna.
It's Donut.
Is it sad that I only noticed one possible weird thing coming from Donut during the entire running of RvB?
The only one I really remember was the 'Where can I hang out with no pants on?' bit.
Oh god I can't wait for Donut in Equestria....all those poor stallions XD
2705598
Just because Maine could grind Wash into a milkshake and drink him through his helmet doesn't make him a better character.
And for the record: Maine is the only Freelancer in the top 10 who didn't have to be killed by another Freelancer.
2705802 I can't remember, did she die on-camera? Did we see a body? If not, we can't really rule her out. Even if we did, we STILL couldn't rule her out, given how loose RvB tends to play with death.
Good god, it's Donut. Prepare your bodies bowchikawowwow
2706377
Only Wash can eat through his helmet.
2705802
all we have that says sister is dead is a robot that cant speak English who hates his programmers and didn't want to stay in blood gulch, he could vary well have lied. *shrug*
Ah, a new chapter! And with Washington to boot! Thank you sir.
I know I am!
Oh, and who's excited for American Friday Night/Australian Saturday?
ALL THE DONUT INNUENDOS!I've been waiting so long! thank you Darkwing thank you
2705442 What about our favorite parasitic alien hybrid?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyffbf5q031r3x7i2o1_500.jpg
I feel sorry for Wash. Not only does he once again have to deal with Doc, but now Donut? I think he misses the Meta at this point.
Oh Donut, you really are the Back door infiltration expert working under the Admiral himself.
)
(Sadly I cannot find the scene in question, but its from reconstruction deleted scenes for chapter 14
Their back!!! Finally, the double entandres return with the sarcasm!!
2706734 I'm sry but Junior is dead he blew up
2708131 Along with Andy. and sheila.
2708347 and O'Malley
2708347 and O'Malley
2708347 and O'Malley
Oh my god Donut, yes. He is easily one of my favorite characters in the Red vs. Blue.
2706394
2706647
Lopez wouldn't lie to Sarge.
Besides, DarkWing loves bringing dead characters back anyway. Death really isn't much of a problem for him. :P
2708980
he wasnt programmed to tell the truth either
2708347
2708131
Jr. is not dead. Tucker makes a reference that the two of them go around and negotiate stuff because there alien ambassadors or some shit like that. If you don't believe me check season 7 episode 13 and even if he did die the aliens treat life and death differently than we do. That's how they brought back Flowers during the fifth season. Also it says how Junior lived on this page.
2708131 Donut got shot in the face and here he is.
2711476 ya but doc saved him
2706734 Honk! Honk honk blarg!
So many Bow chica bow wow moments but none to be said.
my gawd Donut... so many sex jokes.
This chapter... It's brilliant!
I'm fairly certain the word that you're looking for is "comprising" and not "compromising"
This is going to be interesting...
So Sheila, Junior, Andy, and Sis remain uncounted for. Kind of a shame.