• Published 5th Mar 2013
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My Little Caboose II: Friendship is Fragmented! - DarkWing



Church, finally freed from his stone prison after a month of having Discord trapped in his mind along with him, must readjust to the pony world with nothing but twisted memories, as well a group of equally twisted friends.

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Chapter 20 - "Neutrality Reports"

"She wants us to what?" Church asked horrifically, almost jumping out of his chair when Twilight told him what was just asked of him and the others.

"You heard me, Church," the librarian sighed. "She wants you to write to her and her sister about what you've learned about friendship. It's really not that difficult."

"It's not that difficult?" Grif inquired, glancing over to Sarge. "I'm pretty sure she's seen how we act when we're around each other. I think that shows that we're not really what you would call friends."

"What are you talking about?" Caboose smiled brightly, hugging Church. "Church and I are the bestest of friends!"

"Yeah, but you have to write to her about what you've learned," Church muttered.

"Oh," Caboose said quietly, losing his grin, only to get it back in a matter of milliseconds. "Then I will draw pictures of us for her! I will start right now!"

"At least he's keeping an open mind about it," Rarity noted as Caboose sat at the table and began drawing on the other side of the letter the Princess had sent back.

"An open what?" he asked, glancing up.

"See?" Church asked. "The only one of us who would bother doing it can't even do it right. Simmons can read, write and learn, but when it comes to friendship he doesn't have much experience, because, pardon my French, we're a bunch of cynical assholes."

Tex glanced around the room until her eyes rested on Grif.

"What's up?" Grif grunted passively.

Squinting, Tex took a seat next to Caboose and grabbed the quill that sat on the table. Pulling a sheet off of the small stack in the center, she began writing down on the piece of paper.

"What are you doing?" Simmons asked.

"What the hell does it look like I'm doing?" she grunted without looking up, starting on another line. "I'm writing to the Princesses about what I've learned about friendship."

"You're writing to the Princess?" Tucker snorted. "Even Church has Caboose as a friend. But you? You have... who, exactly?"

"Hey, leave her alone and let her do it," Grif said, making the room fall silent. Looking around, Grif noticed all eyes but Tex's were on him. "What?"

"Grif, the master of not doing anything, who constantly got the shit kicked out of him by Tex, is siding with her?" Sarge asked with a gruff laugh.

"She might not be my best friend, but she's trying to become better. That's more than most of us can say. Besides, since that means she won't be kicking the shit out of me anymore, I think it's pretty acceptable that I'm on her side on this one," he added.

"Thanks, Grif," Tex said with a small, appreciative smile. "Does that mean you're going to be writing one too?"

"Hell no. You have my support on this and everything, but doing things isn't my forte," he chuckled.

"I think it would be good for you to try," Fluttershy said, smiling thinly at him.

"I think it would be good for all of them to try," Twilight added. "I'm sure all of them have learned at least one thing so far. And it doesn't say that you have to write down what you've learned about being friends with each other. You've become friends with us, so I'm sure you could think about some things to write."

"That's true," Simmons said with a nod. "I think I can probably write some reports. I've learned quite a bit so far, so this shouldn't be that difficult."

"I doubt she's expecting us to start right now," Church grunted, mostly directed to Tex. "And these aren't mandatory either, right?"

"I suppose not," Twilight said hesitantly. "But Simmons and Tex are up for it, and it's also a nice thing to do. It's nice to get your thoughts written down about friendship."

"Fine, how does this sound," Church said as he cleared his throat. "Spike, take a letter."

"Uh..." Spike muttered. Glancing at Twilight, she gave him a small nod, so he grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. "Okay, go ahead."

"Dear Princess Celestia," he said loudly. "You've had some pretty terrible fucking ideas, but this one is definitely the stupidest. Yours truly, Church. You catch all that, Spike?"

"I think I got it," he said as he signed the bottom.

"Great. Send it now."

"Spike, I hope you aren't really thinking about-" Twilight began, but the paper was already a lit with green flames. "-Sending it. Great, I'm sure Princess Celestia will enjoy reading that."

"Oh, oh, I think I have one!" Tucker piped.

"Don't you dare, Spike," Twilight said sternly as he dipped the quill in ink.

"Probably a good move," Rainbow Dash chuckled as Tucker pouted slightly.

"If you guys aren't going to take this seriously, then don't write at all. She's not going to force you to write anything if you really haven't learned anything."

"Good, then you can count me out," Sarge said with a violent shudder as he walked towards the door. "There's no way in hell you'll catch me writing about some mushy notes about... ugh... friends to the Princess. It's so emasculating. The only thing I want to write is the eulogy for Grif's funeral."

"Ah'm sure it's enough that ya have friends t' share moments with," Applejack said, making Sarge stop halfway out the door. "Writin' ain't the important part, it's the learnin'."

"Thank you, AJ."

"Besides, if ya think ya can't do it..." Applejack trailed off innocently.

"Sorry, AJ. I'm not biting onto that one. I can do it, I just won't," Sarge said with a smirk, starting towards the farm one again.

"Maybe I will write a report or two," Grif chortled impishly, making the red stallion freeze in place once again. "That way I can say I learned more and did more than Sarge ever did."

"Hey, I can out friendship the shit out of you any day of the week, meatsack," Sarge growled, turning to look at him.

"I'm sure you'll give up on that when you realize that nobody likes you," Grif said. Fluttershy opened her mouth to ask him to apologize, but Grif shot her a calm, silencing glance. Focusing back on Sarge, he smirked playfully. "As a matter of fact fact, I think all of us have a better chance at this than you."

"You think so, huh? Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to send her so many reports that she an fill a library with them just to prove how much better I am at being a friend than you. I'm going to rub it in your smug little face when the Princesses see that I'm way nicer and more mature than you!" he snapped, now leaving the library. "In fact, I'm going to start writing about how friendly I am right now!"

"Smoother than a rattlesnake's stomach, Grif," Applejack chuckled. "Ah keep forgettin' that Ah can always ask ya t' come on over whenever Ah'm having problems with Sarge."

"It's easy when you know how," he said with a wink.

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