After the wedding.

by cornys here

Chapter 2: He comes

Three months later...

Twilight walked down the halls of Canterlot Castle. I hope the Princess isn't mad at me for inviting my self over, she thought to herself, a little worried. calm down twilight she thought to her self this is just a social call. She had been planning this trip for quite some time. She walked to where Princess Celestia had said to meet up in her letter. It was in a more isolated part of the castle. She had to wonder why. She came around the corner and saw Luna and Celestia standing by a makeshift stairway with a group of armed guards slowly descending.

"What's going on?" asked Twilight.

Celestia turned to her, and said, "Luna and I can feel something down there."

"What is it?"

"we do not know, we are sending armed guards down to find out," replied Luna.

"You two are more powerful. Why don't you both go?" asked Twilight.

"Because," Celestia replied, "Whatever is down there isn't stronger than both of us. The six guards we sent should have no problem handling it."

After a couple of minutes talking to the princesses they here a rumble and Twilight watched in shock as a wave of red energy suddenly hurled the guards out of the caves.

"Twilight, get to safety!" Celestia said. She stepped in front of her beloved student, her horn glowing and ready to fight. Luna's horn was alight as well. The two sister stood ready to fight. The sound of hoofs hitting the makeshift stairs filled the air before Celestia sees him.

Twilight looked on as a male alicorn appeared from the stairway. He looked to be as tall as Celestia or Queen Chrysalis, but heavier built like Applejack's older brother. His wings seemed to be plated in armor. No, Twilight realized, they're not plated. They were actually made of metal. His mane was black and blood red. His hooves were pitch black and looked sharp. The rest of him was red with what seemed to be black energy swirling on his coat--or maybe it was the other way around. Twilight could not tell. Then she saw his cutie mark. It depicted a sword hitting a shield. What did that stand for? His most notable feature was also the scariest, but at the same time it made Twilight feel sad. His horn was broken. Almost half of it was gone.

He looked at the sisters and shouted with anger, "BRING ME DISCORD!" He fired a beam of red energy. Celestia fired back, and the beams clashed and pushed on each other. Luna didn't not stop to see who wins, and fired her own beam right at him. He saw it, and took to the air. His beam stopped firing as he did so, and Celestia's own beam tore through a wall along with Luna's. From the air he fired in a sweeping motion at them, but they both raised small barriers to stop the beams.

Guards rushed into the room. Unicorns in the front crouched low, their horns aglow and pointing at him. The earth pony guards just behind them blocked the entrance to the room with their spears. Pegasi flew above the front lines. Twilight's brother in the front shouted, "Surrender, in the name of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!" The male alicorn landed. He surveyed the large group of guards and the princesses before him, and closed his eyes as if to think. Celestia opened her mouth to say something, but then a red beam of energy flew from his horn, putting a hole into the ceiling above them. Without a moment to spare, he took flight through it. The unicorn guards opened fire and a few bolts of magic energy hit him, nearly knocking him out of the sky.

The pegasi flew after him,with Luna in the lead. As Luna gave chase, her mind was racing. Did he say Discord? Yes, he did. She was sure of it. How long had he been down there? He must have had no idea what happened to Discord. That much was clear; he probably thought he was still in charge. If only he would calm down enough to let her speak to him. She was sure she could talk him down.

Without warning, he spun around in the air, unleashing a barrage of magic bolts. They took out several guards, and forced more guards to fly out and catch them before they hit the ground. Luna swerved to avoid the bolts of magic before firing back. One hit him in the chest, and he hit the ground hard. The pegasi surrounded him. Luna landed before him, and Twilight, Shining Armor, and Celestia teleported beside Luna.

"Now, Shining Armor!" Celestia shouted. A small version of Shining Armor's force field surrounded the red alicorn.

"My princess, what are you doing?" a guard asked, shocked.

"She keeping him here," Twilight answered. "What do you think would happen if he got to ponyville?" The guard nodded with understanding.

"Who are you?" Celestia asked.

He looked her in the eyes, his whole body shaking hard. Sweat dripped from his body, and blood oozed from his wounds where magic bolts had hit him. "I am Mar," he whispered before he passed out and crumpled to the ground.

Comments

[Aves Dominari]

Yawn. Alicorn OC with a stupid color scheme.

[Azu]

Black and red Alicorn OC... This can only end one way!

[NATOstrike]

i.imgur.com/RLRCU.jpg

[CookieMonstar]

Don't quit your day job.

0/5 would not read again.

[Aves Dominari]

Where's the Legion guy? We need him here ;p

[Thorlol]

No caps... red and black alicorn OC.

Shit this will suck.

[xDan]

1542464
HAIL TO KAI-ZAR!

Edit:
Okay.
What the fuck.
Is this supposed to be Cliche Shit Story Circlejerk General 2: LOOK AT ME I'M SO ORIGINAL edition?
If so, you have won the game and all its respective associated titles.
If not, go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

[Dawnforge]

Azu, NATO and Cookie got my opinion, abliet in three separate posts. However, I'll be abit more constructive. Your grammar is barely in the readable zone. It has an Alicorn OC. That's extremely hard to do, and even when done right most people don't like it.

Plz stahp.

author

plz stahp dis story

plz

stahp

author

stahp

plz

[cloudedguardian]

Never- Nevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernever- FREAKIN' EVER-
Do an alicorn OC as your first fanfic.
It's just an all round BAD idea.
No-one wants to see their work treated like trash, but when you do this- it's the only route man. The only way things are going to go down.

[Hydkore]

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/410/192/58d.png

Nothing new here, just an another OC Alicorn with an awfull colour scheme with a possible Luna shipping.

[Thorlol]

They were actually made of metal. His mane was black and blood red. His hooves were pitch black and looked sharp. The rest of him was red with what seemed to be black energy swirling on his coat--or maybe it was the other way around.

NO. CAN'T YOU MAKE A REGULAR PONY OC? FOR THE LOVE OF GOG.

Luna didn't not

You don't need the not.

A few other minor errors, like missed spaces. But it was sort of decent writing, could use a bit more descriptions... but at least you got most of the rules right. The thing that really dragged your story down was your OC. Please make him a normal pony. We're tired of red and black alicorns that can pretty much do anything. With a tragic past to add to the gary sueness.

[Thorlol]

12 comments...
11 comments...

Oh oh. Big oh oh.

[Fallen Prime]

Making an OC look that bad takes concentrated effort. I almost want to call this a trollfic, and I haven't even stepped into it yet.

[Late Registrator]

That is the ugliest fucking OC I've ever seen.

[TAB]

Gave it a look over, and from what I can see, your writing and format is not that bad. What kills is that red and black alicorn OC, which you should kill with an extremely large fire.

Right now

[Evil Homer]

cornys
Wat R U Doin?
cornys
Stahp!

Obvious trollfic is obvious.

[Array]

Black and red alicorn OC. I felt sick in the stomach from reading this.

Normally these sort of fics don't really differ from each other in their horribleness, but you managed to add a new card to the deck, and that is a terribly inconsistent chapter naming convention. 'one' and then '2' I WANT TO KILL MYSELF

[Chaotic Note]

a red and black alicorn OC?
img837.imageshack.us/img837/5438/illbeatamotherfuckerwit.jpg

[cloudedguardian]

1542631
Go bath your brain in the wonderful writing of Pen Stroke! I think he's got some new stories up too!
Or go read Faith and Doubt! It's pretty damn good too, if you'll excuse the expression. Or The Mill! Or if you need heart-warming, "Moving On" is pretty awesome. Or if you need a good laugh, Grossbucket is epic! Or you know, you could go read my stuff...

[Cheer]

I hope the Princess isn't mad at me for inviting my self over

- This should be quoted as a thought and then formatted to make it easier to differentiate from talking. So here this is what you want it to look like.

' I hope the Princess isn't mad at me for inviting my self over'

Ok. now that that is outta the way time to give you some help here.

1. Just put the chapters together. Short chapters that work together and are not episodic and are that short don't work.

2. Indent.

3. Make sure all your stuff is capitalized

4. Black and red color schemes are hated with a vengence.

5. Unless you can do it REALLY well don't touch alicorn OCs. They are like a cancer. Both to you and the site.

6. I see what your premise is but an red and black alicorn OC is definetly NOT the way to go. Try rethinking your idea. Try different character ideas. For example. maybe have him asleep, let the ponies make some conclusions or think of some ideas then he wakes up at that point you can decide if you want him to go into a rage again or not. Which I really didn't see the point of.

7. Why is he just raging at all these ponies when he's after Discord? Also I would have hoped for some sort of reaction to the guard saying "in the name of the Princesses" or however he said it.

8.Try different character styles. Choose one race. With the heavy use I would say a unicorn.

9. It is accepted by most of the community that a broken horn will either lead to death due to magic build up or they will simply never be able to do magic again.

10. I kinda like the idea you're going with here but I would say take a stab at it with a sharp knife this time and not the first thing you grab out of the drawer. Which by looking at the other comments seemed to be a spoon.

Good luck and have a good life.

YBG Out -

[Silverstein]

Silver out!

[ek91]

I always love it when storys like this are posted because the comments usually end up being more entertaining than the story itself.

i.imgur.com/eLlFf.gif

Let the good times role!

[Mashmaster]

Emperor, bestow upon me Your righteous fury and Your furious strength. Let me become the storm that blasts the enemy from your sight.

*BLAM*

[Fallen Prime]

1543579

You need to change his race, or at least his color scheme.

Both. Don't even try to give him the "one or the other" option. If he wants his OC to be visually distinct, he needs to strip him of ALL the cliches.

-Make his coat a solid color. None of this splotchy red-on-red bullshit.
-Lose the Sollux horns. I hate seeing the Homestuck trolls' horns on OCs.
-If you're keeping him a unicorn, don't break the horn.
-If you're keeping him a pegasus, use normal wings. NORMAL wings. None of this Celestia/Luna-template bullshit.
-Normal eyes. No solid red. Just... kill the red entirely.

That's just a START.

[Th4t Dark c0rner]

I, honest to Dog (the holy one,) did not know if I wanted to laugh or vomit at just how bad that colour scheme is.

[Hurgusburgus]

Well, let me put it this way...

My conscience is a battleship. Iowa-class, for that matter.

And what this affront to all gravitational heuristics does is...

I...

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/242/793/2e1.jpg

Goodbye, cruel world!

[Scribblestick]

TWE's Scribblestick here to identify the source of the downvote swarm!

-Sees cover image

Found it!

Okay, everyone's already said they don't like your OC. But why? Well, let's back up and talk about character-building. The key to making a good character is to contantly ask yourself, why? Why does my character act like this? Why does my character do that? Having made about 30 OCs, I've gotten pretty good at anwering these kinds of questions. Let's look a few I ask myself when making a new OC.

1) What is his personality? Why?
2) What does he want? Why? Why can't he have it?
3) What are his strenghts? Why?
4) What are his weaknesses? Why?
5) Who are the most important characters to him? Why?
6) What is his role in society? Why? In the case of ponies, what is his special talent and cutie mark? How did he get these?
7) In the case of ponies, what race is he? Why?
8) What are his physical characteristics (size, build, coors, mane/tail style)? Why?

Notice the kinds of questions I ask, and also the order in which I ask them. The most important thing about a character is who he is as a person (pony?), not what he looks like and what he does for a living. What are his goals and ambitions? What are his inhibitions and limitations? Who matters to him? And, above all, why? Unless you can explain why, your character lacks motivation, and he becomes unbelievable (no, I don't mean that in the good way).

Only after I've build the character do I worry about his physical appearance, mostly because knowing who he is will tell me what he should be. I'll use Cleansweep, one of my OCs, as an example. He's a carefree pegasus colt who lives in a library with his uncle. Why a pegasus? From a story perspective, he needed to fly to Canterlot. From a character perspective, his special talent is cleaning things, and being able to fly makes it easier to move quickly and reach tough places. Why a colt? From a story perspective, he represents innocence and joy in a broken world. See how his personality and role shape his race and abilities? See how who he is determines what he needs to be in order for the character to be successful?

Let's look at Mar. He's an alicorn. Why? Why does this character need to be an alicorn? If he were a pegasus or unicorn, or even an earth pony, would it mess anything up, aside from your fight sequences? He has steel wings. Why? Where did he get them? Who made them? How will that impact the story going forward? Why is he red and black, when dark color schemes are rare (meaning limited to Nightmare Moon and the changelings)? Why the sharp hooves? Why the ethereal appearance? These questions need good answers, and 'looking cool' isn't one.

Therein lies the inherent problem with black-and-red alicorn OCs. They are hundreds, if not thousands, of them lurking in the FIMFiciton archives, and none of them can answer these basic questions. Their personalities are bland (if they have one at all), their abilites are nigh limitless, and their weaknesses are nonexistant. Alicorns by their nature tend to be overpowered anyway, which is why I haven't made one. It's much more interesting to see a character struggle than to see a character that breezes through life. The red-and-black color scheme is a favorite for new authors with dull characters, and the association is hard to overcome.

Your writing itself isn't all that bad, though I thought the pacing was a tad brisk. Also,

makeshift stairs

I'm not sure that means what you think it means.

Anyways, that's all from me. Hope it helps!

~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator

[Mr Ignorable]

HOLY JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THAT PICTURE?! It looks like that horse has rabies and the chicken pox all at once.

[Alexander Bolt]

Aaaaaand Alicorn OC. All I gotta say about this fic is that "The enemy team has stolen all the fucks I give."

[Patient X]

I know that everybody has reviewed this story and has provided good constructive criticism, but I must say what I said out loud when I first saw your OC, author...

EEEEEEEWWWW!! EEEEEEWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?

[Calirolls]

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmj6a2jV8Y1qe4pyf.gif

[dudebroofbroes]

*Description alone*
Pfffffffft, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M--I'M GONNA PEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay... okay... Where is the real main character? Seriously, where is he?

...........

OH FU--!

[Alex Wadegrove]

I'd give him some advice (like scrapping the whole idea of a red and black alicorn OC) but judging by how long he has been offline it wouldn't really be worth it.

[Space Wizard Novablast]

1547440

I'm guessing the scout took it?

[DustyPwny]

Before I read this and say what's utterly wrong this piece (aside from the typical OC Alicorn), I've noticed that the PonyCreator images of red and black OCs ALWAYS have the castle ruins background. ALWAYS.

[DustyPwny]

After reading those 1,224 words...
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/253/884/b47.png

[Scootareader]

4071884
Damn it! Why did I not know about this rule before?

[DustyPwny]

4152319
Alright, that was a good laugh.

[Pirate Jesus]

Sup folks. What did I- oh, sweet thundering fuckballs. This story is going to be just peachy.

Ok, so I haven't even gotten through the description, and what was with that really weak attempt at putting your opening into rhyme? I'm all for doing the whole rhyming prophecy thing if it works, but you did not space out the lines or pay attention to the meter. You have to use a set of rhythmically similar syllables. Like I did in that last sentence. If you aren't following some form of meter (the most popular for the English language being iambic, pyrrhic, and dactylic) and checking that the emphasis is on the right syllable it just sounds messy.

[Super Trampoline]

4071884 Oh God you're right!

[metroid_freak]

Yeah...obvious trollfic is obvious.

Comment deleted in 3, 2, 1...

[Lucky Seven]

4071884 Shut the hell up, Dusty, god damn it

[Scarce]

I can sum this story in one word:supercrapifuckarificexpilaibullshit

[Cozybro]

He comes

Bad OC, bad. That line belongs to Zalgo.