Deep within the canterlot caves he has awaken. Locked away by discord so long ago. he has returned land of Equestria. Is
he friend or foe?
Chapters (2)
cornys here
Joined 29th Oct, 2012 ·
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Yawn. Alicorn OC with a stupid color scheme.
Black and red Alicorn OC... This can only end one way!
i.imgur.com/RLRCU.jpg
Don't quit your day job.
0/5 would not read again.
Where's the Legion guy? We need him here ;p
No caps... red and black alicorn OC.
Shit this will suck.
1542464
HAIL TO KAI-ZAR!
Edit:
Okay.
What the fuck.
Is this supposed to be Cliche Shit Story Circlejerk General 2: LOOK AT ME I'M SO ORIGINAL edition?
If so, you have won the game and all its respective associated titles.
If not, go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
Azu, NATO and Cookie got my opinion, abliet in three separate posts. However, I'll be abit more constructive. Your grammar is barely in the readable zone. It has an Alicorn OC. That's extremely hard to do, and even when done right most people don't like it.
Plz stahp.
author
plz stahp dis story
plz
stahp
author
stahp
plz
Never- Nevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernevernever- FREAKIN' EVER-
Do an alicorn OC as your first fanfic.
It's just an all round BAD idea.
No-one wants to see their work treated like trash, but when you do this- it's the only route man. The only way things are going to go down.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/410/192/58d.png
Nothing new here, just an another OC Alicorn with an awfull colour scheme with a possible Luna shipping.
NO. CAN'T YOU MAKE A REGULAR PONY OC? FOR THE LOVE OF GOG.
You don't need the not.
A few other minor errors, like missed spaces. But it was sort of decent writing, could use a bit more descriptions... but at least you got most of the rules right. The thing that really dragged your story down was your OC. Please make him a normal pony. We're tired of red and black alicorns that can pretty much do anything. With a tragic past to add to the gary sueness.
12 comments...
11 comments...
Oh oh. Big oh oh.
Making an OC look that bad takes concentrated effort. I almost want to call this a trollfic, and I haven't even stepped into it yet.
That is the ugliest fucking OC I've ever seen.
Gave it a look over, and from what I can see, your writing and format is not that bad. What kills is that red and black alicorn OC, which you should kill with an extremely large fire.
Right now
- know
cornys
Wat R U Doin?
cornys
Stahp!
Obvious trollfic is obvious.
Black and red alicorn OC. I felt sick in the stomach from reading this.
Normally these sort of fics don't really differ from each other in their horribleness, but you managed to add a new card to the deck, and that is a terribly inconsistent chapter naming convention. 'one' and then '2' I WANT TO KILL MYSELF
a red and black alicorn OC?
img837.imageshack.us/img837/5438/illbeatamotherfuckerwit.jpg
1542631
Go bath your brain in the wonderful writing of Pen Stroke! I think he's got some new stories up too!
Or go read Faith and Doubt! It's pretty damn good too, if you'll excuse the expression. Or The Mill! Or if you need heart-warming, "Moving On" is pretty awesome. Or if you need a good laugh, Grossbucket is epic! Or you know, you could go read my stuff...
- This should be quoted as a thought and then formatted to make it easier to differentiate from talking. So here this is what you want it to look like.
' I hope the Princess isn't mad at me for inviting my self over'
Ok. now that that is outta the way time to give you some help here.
1. Just put the chapters together. Short chapters that work together and are not episodic and are that short don't work.
2. Indent.
3. Make sure all your stuff is capitalized
4. Black and red color schemes are hated with a vengence.
5. Unless you can do it REALLY well don't touch alicorn OCs. They are like a cancer. Both to you and the site.
6. I see what your premise is but an red and black alicorn OC is definetly NOT the way to go. Try rethinking your idea. Try different character ideas. For example. maybe have him asleep, let the ponies make some conclusions or think of some ideas then he wakes up at that point you can decide if you want him to go into a rage again or not. Which I really didn't see the point of.
7. Why is he just raging at all these ponies when he's after Discord? Also I would have hoped for some sort of reaction to the guard saying "in the name of the Princesses" or however he said it.
8.Try different character styles. Choose one race. With the heavy use I would say a unicorn.
9. It is accepted by most of the community that a broken horn will either lead to death due to magic build up or they will simply never be able to do magic again.
10. I kinda like the idea you're going with here but I would say take a stab at it with a sharp knife this time and not the first thing you grab out of the drawer. Which by looking at the other comments seemed to be a spoon.
Good luck and have a good life.
YBG Out -
Silver out!
I always love it when storys like this are posted because the comments usually end up being more entertaining than the story itself.
i.imgur.com/eLlFf.gif
Let the good times role!
Emperor, bestow upon me Your righteous fury and Your furious strength. Let me become the storm that blasts the enemy from your sight.
*BLAM*
Hey there! Someone called for help? Well ,not really but I'm here anyway! Let's get started.
1. You probably shouldn't mention that it's your first fic, UNLESS someone asks. I've seen authors get raked over the coals because of that. Just a warning.
2. If you can at all help it, NEVER have a chapter under 1000 words. You just can't explain enough to have a decent chapter in that amount of space. A good goal for every chapter should be 2000-3000 words.
3. Uh-oh. Listen. I have a human alicorn OC of my own, so I won't ride you that hard. I know how hard it is to successfully write one. But please, for the love of Celestia, WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM RED AND BLACK!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png . The reason that will get you major hate is because red and black are used to make your OC dark and mysterious. That wouldn't be an issue if so many people didn't already do that. Also, the thing about him being an alicorn. A wise member of TWE once told me, "There is never a reason to need an alicorn. If you need magic, make a unicorn. If you need flying, make a pegasus. There shouldn't be a reason to need to combine the two." You might want to think hard about that.
4. So, this takes place during the changeling attack? Okay...
5. Your grammar and spelling look good, keep that up.
Final grade:C-
Final advice: Editing, Expansion and a possible re-write.
You need to change his race, or at least his color scheme. Also, you need to expand your first chapter. This is the chapter that needs to draw everyone in, and you have too many things pushing him away. If this is a prologue, then you need to call it that. Add more details and please, change your character. This story has potential, so don't get discouraged.
From a brony just like you,
twow443, TWE's Knight in Training
1543579
Both. Don't even try to give him the "one or the other" option. If he wants his OC to be visually distinct, he needs to strip him of ALL the cliches.
-Make his coat a solid color. None of this splotchy red-on-red bullshit.
-Lose the Sollux horns. I hate seeing the Homestuck trolls' horns on OCs.
-If you're keeping him a unicorn, don't break the horn.
-If you're keeping him a pegasus, use normal wings. NORMAL wings. None of this Celestia/Luna-template bullshit.
-Normal eyes. No solid red. Just... kill the red entirely.
That's just a START.
I, honest to Dog (the holy one,) did not know if I wanted to laugh or vomit at just how bad that colour scheme is.
Well, let me put it this way...
My conscience is a battleship. Iowa-class, for that matter.
And what this affront to all gravitational heuristics does is...
I...
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/242/793/2e1.jpg
Goodbye, cruel world!
TWE's Scribblestick here to identify the source of the downvote swarm!
-Sees cover image
Found it!
Okay, everyone's already said they don't like your OC. But why? Well, let's back up and talk about character-building. The key to making a good character is to contantly ask yourself, why? Why does my character act like this? Why does my character do that? Having made about 30 OCs, I've gotten pretty good at anwering these kinds of questions. Let's look a few I ask myself when making a new OC.
1) What is his personality? Why?
2) What does he want? Why? Why can't he have it?
3) What are his strenghts? Why?
4) What are his weaknesses? Why?
5) Who are the most important characters to him? Why?
6) What is his role in society? Why? In the case of ponies, what is his special talent and cutie mark? How did he get these?
7) In the case of ponies, what race is he? Why?
8) What are his physical characteristics (size, build, coors, mane/tail style)? Why?
Notice the kinds of questions I ask, and also the order in which I ask them. The most important thing about a character is who he is as a person (pony?), not what he looks like and what he does for a living. What are his goals and ambitions? What are his inhibitions and limitations? Who matters to him? And, above all, why? Unless you can explain why, your character lacks motivation, and he becomes unbelievable (no, I don't mean that in the good way).
Only after I've build the character do I worry about his physical appearance, mostly because knowing who he is will tell me what he should be. I'll use Cleansweep, one of my OCs, as an example. He's a carefree pegasus colt who lives in a library with his uncle. Why a pegasus? From a story perspective, he needed to fly to Canterlot. From a character perspective, his special talent is cleaning things, and being able to fly makes it easier to move quickly and reach tough places. Why a colt? From a story perspective, he represents innocence and joy in a broken world. See how his personality and role shape his race and abilities? See how who he is determines what he needs to be in order for the character to be successful?
Let's look at Mar. He's an alicorn. Why? Why does this character need to be an alicorn? If he were a pegasus or unicorn, or even an earth pony, would it mess anything up, aside from your fight sequences? He has steel wings. Why? Where did he get them? Who made them? How will that impact the story going forward? Why is he red and black, when dark color schemes are rare (meaning limited to Nightmare Moon and the changelings)? Why the sharp hooves? Why the ethereal appearance? These questions need good answers, and 'looking cool' isn't one.
Therein lies the inherent problem with black-and-red alicorn OCs. They are hundreds, if not thousands, of them lurking in the FIMFiciton archives, and none of them can answer these basic questions. Their personalities are bland (if they have one at all), their abilites are nigh limitless, and their weaknesses are nonexistant. Alicorns by their nature tend to be overpowered anyway, which is why I haven't made one. It's much more interesting to see a character struggle than to see a character that breezes through life. The red-and-black color scheme is a favorite for new authors with dull characters, and the association is hard to overcome.
Your writing itself isn't all that bad, though I thought the pacing was a tad brisk. Also,
I'm not sure that means what you think it means.
Anyways, that's all from me. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
HOLY JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THAT PICTURE?! It looks like that horse has rabies and the chicken pox all at once.
Aaaaaand Alicorn OC. All I gotta say about this fic is that "The enemy team has stolen all the fucks I give."
I know that everybody has reviewed this story and has provided good constructive criticism, but I must say what I said out loud when I first saw your OC, author...
EEEEEEEWWWW!! EEEEEEWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmj6a2jV8Y1qe4pyf.gif
*Description alone*
Pfffffffft, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M--I'M GONNA PEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay... okay... Where is the real main character? Seriously, where is he?
...........
OH FU--!
I'd give him some advice (like scrapping the whole idea of a red and black alicorn OC) but judging by how long he has been offline it wouldn't really be worth it.
1547440
I'm guessing the scout took it?
Before I read this and say what's utterly wrong this piece (aside from the typical OC Alicorn), I've noticed that the PonyCreator images of red and black OCs ALWAYS have the castle ruins background. ALWAYS.
After reading those 1,224 words...
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/253/884/b47.png
4071884
Damn it! Why did I not know about this rule before?
4152319
Alright, that was a good laugh.
Sup folks. What did I- oh, sweet thundering fuckballs. This story is going to be just peachy.
Ok, so I haven't even gotten through the description, and what was with that really weak attempt at putting your opening into rhyme? I'm all for doing the whole rhyming prophecy thing if it works, but you did not space out the lines or pay attention to the meter. You have to use a set of rhythmically similar syllables. Like I did in that last sentence. If you aren't following some form of meter (the most popular for the English language being iambic, pyrrhic, and dactylic) and checking that the emphasis is on the right syllable it just sounds messy.
Ok, so I actually peered inside now, and admittedly, this writing is not bad. In fact, relative for the impression I got from that eyesore pony creator image on the front, this is actually somewhat passable.
The only qualms I have were already addressed by 1543579, whom wrote a very nice little snippet summing up the issues. Still, I see the potential of a good story lying just under the surface here if you clear some of the cliches off- such as red and black alicorn syndrome- and stretch it to a length of 1000-4000 words at least.
Congratulations. It may be the pain meds talking, but you actually surprised me with this chapter.
4071884 Oh God you're right!
That OC.
Yeah...obvious trollfic is obvious.
Comment deleted in 3, 2, 1...
4071884 Shut the hell up, Dusty, god damn it
I can sum this story in one word:supercrapifuckarificexpilaibullshit
Bad OC, bad. That line belongs to Zalgo.