Note: this is my first shot at fanfics. please don't kill me. And if you don't like a part of it tell me what and why. All feed back is good feed back.
He saw a purple unicorn running around in the Canterlot Caves, just beyond the gem in which he found himself imprisoned in. She seemed very scared. He watched her from behind the gem. She seemed unable to see him. He saw an alicorn approach from behind. The alicorn looked like she had been in the caves for some time.
She had no idea how lucky she was, how lucky they both were. Able to do more then watch. Able to speak and breathe. Most of his magic went to keeping himself alive. He could not eat, drink, or breathe. He watched as the purple unicorn threatened the alicorn. Strange, he could not imagine what an alicorn had to fear from a normal unicorn. They then did something with their hooves. That seemed to pacify the unicorn. They talked for a moment. He wanted to ask for help. He tried with all his might to ask for help, but he could not.
They ran off, and he stayed trapped. He was running out of time. Even his vast magic could only last so long. Keeping himself in a hibernation sleep for... he did't even know how long. It must have been a very long time, as he felt so weak. Hours passed, and then just when he was about to try one last time to break free, a barrier came flying through the cave. When it hit him, it seemed to halfway try and cast him out, as if it wasn't sure he was there. But it did more then that. He felt the gem crack. He took a breath of air. Strength surged back, for he was no longer forced to cast a spell to make his body to go without air. He managed a smile. The world would now his name again. It is only a matter of time.
- know
Hey there! Someone called for help? Well ,not really but I'm here anyway! Let's get started.
1. You probably shouldn't mention that it's your first fic, UNLESS someone asks. I've seen authors get raked over the coals because of that. Just a warning.
2. If you can at all help it, NEVER have a chapter under 1000 words. You just can't explain enough to have a decent chapter in that amount of space. A good goal for every chapter should be 2000-3000 words.
3. Uh-oh. Listen. I have a human alicorn OC of my own, so I won't ride you that hard. I know how hard it is to successfully write one. But please, for the love of Celestia, WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM RED AND BLACK!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png . The reason that will get you major hate is because red and black are used to make your OC dark and mysterious. That wouldn't be an issue if so many people didn't already do that. Also, the thing about him being an alicorn. A wise member of TWE once told me, "There is never a reason to need an alicorn. If you need magic, make a unicorn. If you need flying, make a pegasus. There shouldn't be a reason to need to combine the two." You might want to think hard about that.
4. So, this takes place during the changeling attack? Okay...
5. Your grammar and spelling look good, keep that up.
Final grade:C-
Final advice: Editing, Expansion and a possible re-write.
You need to change his race, or at least his color scheme. Also, you need to expand your first chapter. This is the chapter that needs to draw everyone in, and you have too many things pushing him away. If this is a prologue, then you need to call it that. Add more details and please, change your character. This story has potential, so don't get discouraged.
From a brony just like you,
twow443, TWE's Knight in Training
Ok, so I actually peered inside now, and admittedly, this writing is not bad. In fact, relative for the impression I got from that eyesore pony creator image on the front, this is actually somewhat passable.
The only qualms I have were already addressed by 1543579, whom wrote a very nice little snippet summing up the issues. Still, I see the potential of a good story lying just under the surface here if you clear some of the cliches off- such as red and black alicorn syndrome- and stretch it to a length of 1000-4000 words at least.
Congratulations. It may be the pain meds talking, but you actually surprised me with this chapter.
That OC.