R. Lee Ermey In Ponyville

by Fizzydog

Chapter Uno

The drill sergeant turned superstar actor slowly regained his sense. As he opened his eyes, his hazy sight only gave him view of complete darkness. Sitting up, R. Lee Ermey's vision cleared and he could fully tell he was inside what was a helicopter of some sort. Lee thought for a minute, asking himself what he was doing inside a crashed helicopter. No thoughts came to mind; the last thing he could remember was eating dinner with some sort of important figure. Nothing else.

Looking around, Ronald was treated to the sight of the winged things pilot, dead on the floor.

Ronald of course was not ready to be pushed around by petty things like corpses, and decided to leave the vehicle ASAP. A very small ray of light protruded from the metal door of the destroyed chopper, which Ermey naturally slammed open. Well, slammed is not much of a word, seeing as how the second he touched it the thing dropped with a loud bang onto the ground.

Stepping out into the bright sunlight, Ermey was hit with almost an unimaginable whiff of fresh air. Even when he wasn't surrounded by the sweet exhaust of tanks and jeeps, the freshness was almost unreal. The scent was pure, perfect, untainted.

"Makes me sick." Ronald spat on the ground, and surveyed the surrounding landscape. This was truly namby pamby land, with a gigantic, flowery meadow spread at his feet, beautiful, snow capped mountains deep in the distance surrounded by untouched pine tree forests. And, most notably, the wildlife. Rabbits, birds, squirrels, mice. All unfazed by the giant mess of twisted metal, simply going about in there business. Of course, the pink haired, yellow horse-pony whatever the hell you call it thing slowly approaching him was eye catching, but certainly he wasn't going to be interested in such girly things. Not even with the knowledge that it's mane and fur were impossible colors.

Ermey turned around and inspected the destroyed helicopter. Nothing that struck any memories as to how he got to this place was hidden in the destroyed helicopter. Not a single thing.

And for the first time in God know's when, he was startled by a sudden voice from behind. Sweet and silent, the kind a wuss who would live in a childish place would have. "Oh, you poor thing!"

R. Lee Ermey flipped around, whipping out a small pocketknife he had conveniently stashed in his left pocket. But to his surprise, there was absolutely positively no one there. Nothing but the laughable yellow pony, which slowly walked backward, it's ears flattened on her head.

"Alright, enough games! Who's out here?!? One wrong move and I'll slit your throat, maggot!" Ermey screamed, moving his head back in forth in a frantic effort to find whatever fool was dumb enough to attempt to deceive R. Lee Ermey.

Ermey's sense of reality broke down as the yellow pony opened it's mouth, forming noise by the art of shifting the tongue, lips and teeth to forge various syllables which in turn are put together to create a meaningful sense of communication by the use of sound.

"Oh…dear….I'm sorry….please don't hurt me…." The mare backed away with a frightened look in her eye, whimpering absolute, total fear.

The drill sergeant lowered his blade, and spoken in an awed tone. "Sweet mother of Jesus, was….was that you?"

The horrified pony shook it's head up and down, barely fighting back tears.

Ronald was too shocked the speak again. He simply put away his blade and stepped over to the crash scene. Head in palms, Ermey spoke to himself. "Well fuck me, it appears I've gotten myself into the land of the most flamboyant faggot's imagination. What's next, Pegasi that shit rainbows? A unicorn princess? Cupcakes by the dozen?"

By now, the pink haired pony had regained her posture and walked up to the angered creature, a completely new sight to her. As he was oblivious to her presence, what with the talking to himself and head buried in his palms, she took this opportunity to examine him much more closely. Obviously, the man was bipedal, but his complex design fascinated Fluttershy. He had very wrinkly, blemished skin, worse than even Granny Smith's train wreck of a body. (And that was saying a lot.) On his head was a huge, round hat, somewhat like those on the western frontier wore in cowpony movies. His clothes (surprising that other creatures wore clothes too!) were very formal, and from wherever he was, if it had authority (which she assumed it did, seeing as how he wore badges and spoke in the same language as her people), he must've been high up. Probably not the level of Princess Celestia, but maybe someone like Mayor Mare.

His mane was a very light gray color, and short. Much shorter than even the hipster ponies, who liked to grow theirs so little it barely passed their ears. Ha, it barely even came off his head, and certainly didn't even come close to his ears. He had some sort of odd object strapped to his waist, and the knife had had threatened her with (but thankfully not used) earlier, when she had approached him.

After her short examination of him, she cleared her throat. Mustering all of her courage, she asked him in a shaky voice, "Mr., um, are you…um, lost?"

Ermey looked up at the pony and shook his head. Just now he had noticed it had wings. Wings. WINGS.

"Well no shit, Sherlock. You some kind of detective? Or maybe you're Captain Obvious, here to save the day?" Ermey stood up and flicked out his knife, sharpening a small stick.

Fluttershy sighed. This man had gone past scaring her; he simply was all bark and no bite. But even so, she did not want to anger him. The Pegasus regained her composure. "Sir, if you…um…want to I guess you could stay with me?"

Honest as the flower of truth, Fluttershy did NOT want to take this man under her wing. (HAH!) But as her mother had told her when she was a filly, "Help even the rudest people, because maybe your kindness will change them." But of course, she could use him to find out more about his species and where he lives and such. They sure are curious things.

R. Lee Ermey, on the other hand, was not ready to follow a talking yellow pony to her home or wherever she lived. "Great Scott, are you shitting me? Why the fuck would you expect me to follow you? Why in the good lord's name would I trust something I've never seen before to take care of me? Fuck, I bet you're just planning to rape me or some shit? Is that your plan, scumbag? That what you're plotting? Cause I'll shove this blade down your throat before you can get your dirty hooves near me. "

Fluttershy stared at him , taking his words personally. "I would never! Mr., I'm sorry if…um….if I scared you. I really just wanted to h-help….I'm sorry…" Fluttershy turned around and slowly walked towards the forest in defeated shame.

For the first time in his life, R. Lee Ermey's heart thawed. Jokes, no it didn't. But he did realize he was starving and in the middle of a land with talking Pegasi. Staying out alone at night, even if he slept in the helicopter with the gone driver, would be an extremely dangerous feat. He was a drill instructor, who put the tough in tough-hearted (also while taking out the heart), and he could risk staying with this obviously weak son of a gun. He could take a million of her. Hell, a million and one.

"Pony! You just wait one goddamn second! I'll come with ya, alright, but if you try even one thing, I will cut your legs off and shove 'em up y-"

Fluttershy embraced him mid speech in an enthusiastic hug. "Yayayayayayayay! Oh, we have so much to talk about! But let's get you warm and fed! You must be starving."

Ronald cracked a smile for a second, an extremely rare feat for this hardened war lover, but turned dead serious again. "Alright alright, get off me you maggot! And remember: no funny business!"

In the ten minutes Fluttershy had talked to this man, she had grown used to his anger and language. None of it was personal, at least in her opinion. It was simply how he talked. The words still gave her a pang of hurt, but not as much as when she originally met him.

"Alright, follow me to my cottage!" With that, Fluttershy happily skipped down the dirt rode to her humble adobe, the confused drill sergeant trailing behind.

Comments

This may be the best thing I will ever read. Thank you.

[Mobius of the Moon]

*snicker* *trying to hold back laughter*
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hilarious!

[hyourei]

You've got my attention.

[finesthour]

See fizzy?

Told you people on this site were fickle.

Someone rated your fic .5 a second ago.

[DJ Cobalt]

lol this is good stuff
d37nnnqwv9amwr.cloudfront.net/photos/images/original/000/181/813/1726009-shut_up_and_take_my_money_super.jpg

[MAGO5]

"Honest as the flower of truth, Fluttershy did NOT want to take this man under her wing. (HAH!)"
>(HAH!)
t.qkme.me/35jgkw.jpg

[You Shall Not Pass]

This is completely stupid and completely hilarious. Tracking!
LET ME SEE YOUR WAR FACE! AAAAAAAHHHHH!

[Gypsy]

101313

Senõr Chang :D

[Poodicus]

101317

BULLSHIT YOU DIDN'T CONVINCE ME! SHOW ME YOUR REAL WAR FACE!

[Fizzydog]

101313

You win the internets.

[Criticul]

101333
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
That's a war face! I love that movie...

[Carlin]

As a proponent of putting insane people in Equestria, you have my attention.

...Proceed.

[Maralagidyne]

...This has my interest.....

I think you meant "abode".

Adobe is the Photoshop company.

[TwilightPsycho]

This is hillarious... can't wait to find out what happens next.

[Jayswing103]

Epicness

[NecromancerX69]

i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/21/article-0-004DE9400000044C-808_468x286.jpg
R. Lee Ermey's... Enjoy the Buffet!

Please keep up the awesome work maggot!

[Fizzydog]

101567

You can't tell me what to do scumbag.

[Shanawolf]

Gunny in Equestria?
The royal guards won't know what hit them.

[NecromancerX69]

101612

I will eat you Maggot!
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/256/1/5/makarov_meets_painis_cupcake_by_jltaleon-d2ynmk6.jpg

[jayessell]

101687

The Mane 6 get a drill seargent to train them for their next mission.

Surprise: It actually helps!

[Advance]

Oh wow, that was great. You sir, are a genius.

[Corn Caiks]

Maggot! Do you suck dicks? Ah...that movie was great

[Crackshot]

R. Lee Ermey...... in equestria....... sweet mother of jesus, you've got to be shitting me! cut the bullshit! what is your major malfunction, maggot!? I DEMAND 110% MOAR FROM YOU, PRIVATE!

[dirtdog1996]

hmmm...interresting at the most i have to day but I will keep reading if the comady and some shit like that magget (joking about language)

[Skitzo Tune]

I didn't even have to read this I saw the picture and knew I was going to love it
BULLSHIT, I BET YOU CAN SUCK A GOLFBALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE!

[Psyentific]

I saw this on the featured.
I went over to a different tab.
What I just read registered in my brain.
!
Double-take.
Burst out laughing at the concept of this.
Buckle my seatbelt.

[Psyentific]

This is the best thing,

[muffin lover 15]

o god this is the MOST manly thing on this site

[Sgt. Brony]

HELP...I NEED A MEDIC BECAUSE MY SIDES ARE ABOUT TO BURST!!!
Oh this is great, but you must for the love of GOD do at least one "Full Metal Jacket" parody. If not I'll find you "gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you"

[Papafrogunk]

Omg so funny please MAKE MORE!!!!!
lolololololololo lololololololololololol

[thewaffler]

Is there anything...ANYTHING this franchise hasn't been fused with? I loved this fic. Yay, Full Metal Jacket.
"YOU GOT THREE SECONDS, THREE SECONDS TO WIPE THAT STUPID LOOKING GRIN OFF YOUR FACE BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND SKULL FUCK YOU!!!"

peace out.

Step aside Royal Guards, a TRUE warrior is here and ready to rip out your spine and floss his teeth with it.

[FluxC]

101486

Or bricks used to MAKE homes.

[Baboosh]

i have seen this, and I am NOT ready for the laughter that will ensue.

You my good writer have my full attention

I normal HATE human in equestria stories.
But this....Oh,this.....
I await more...

[DerangedDingo]

I can only see the Soldier from TF2 when I read this. But I will be damned if it isnt perfect. 5stars keep going.

[WatermelonRat]

This is fantastic. I must have giggled like an idiot for five minutes just reading the premise. R. Lee Ermey is awesome and this story is awesome.

[Sweetie_Belle_Derelle]

R. Lee Ermey in Equestria.

That won't end well

[Docboy]

"What's next, Pegasi that shit rainbows? A unicorn princess? Cupcakes by the dozen?"
You sir, just earned yourself 5 stars and another tracking.

[Whitestrake]

YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION, MAGGOT, IF YOU DISSAPOINT, THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS WIN!!!!!!!!

[lol1759]

101612 SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET TO WRITING MAGGOT! THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOUR PANZY ASS IT HAD BETTER BE FULL OF NEW CHAPTERS!

But seriously this is funny as f, please continue.

[Peppy Greyskull]

Oh Celestia damn yes please. This. Is. AMAZING

[Greasebrony]

Who said that? WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT? WHOS THE SLIMY COVERED IN SHIT TWINKLE TOED COCKSUCKER DOWN HERE WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH WARRENT?

[ForlanceAbice]

May God have mercy on the Royal Guard, because the good ole gunny won't.
I dare any of them to try and even take him. They are all going to end up mincemeat after.

[Jazo]

huh. kinda reminds me of red dwarf for some reason. maybe R Lee got there after getting drunk off his ass. thats how Lister woulda done it.

[Espionage]

You have so much game right now...
So boss

[Greasebrony]

102189 Dude its gonna be histerical. Its the stuff legends are made of.

[Inspirational]

R. Lee Ermey, Ulimate Marin Drill Sergent VS Fluttershy, Kindest Stare Master

BEGIN!

Keep going with this!

[Websterwall]

2 of my favorite things.