• Member Since 14th Sep, 2012
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zsewqthewolf

zsewqthewolf Joined 14th Sep, 2012 · Offline

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zsewqthewolf
zsewqthewolf #1 · Oct 17th, 2012 · · · The new life ( re edit ) ·
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1456087 yes and no, i got the idea but than it turn into samething elsa

Dunsparce
Dunsparce #2 · Nov 26th, 2012 · · · Bad news ( re edit ) ·
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Consider this a "not half bad" start. It very much pleases me to see that you're a writer that is clearly showing at least some effort, so I'll try my best to give a few tips!

My first issue is the chapter lengths. They keep on getting shorter and shorter, which kind of turns me off. The chapters should be around the same length, if not longer. The second chapter was at a... tolerable length, but the third and especially fourth chapters are like little tiny clips. Chapter four didn't interest me because it was merely 176 words. More content is a must, my friend.

Second issue is grammar. Now I know this is kind of a bitchy complaint, but it's distracting. What I would do is head over to "New writers" or "Struggling Authors" to see if you can get some help on that. People will help you if you ask. Really, I'm not in the mood to go nit-picking all the grammar errors or where something could be worded differently, it just takes too much time.

I did read all of what you have so far and the setting is the good ol' classic zombie apocalypse. I love zombies, and if you improve your story, you'll definitely get a favorite from me! :twilightsmile:

zsewqthewolf
zsewqthewolf #3 · Nov 26th, 2012 · · · Bad news ( re edit ) ·
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1685147 ty, am really trying my best, now am using google docs to help me out with grammar. Also thx for the the feed back i love it wean people furrys ponys bronys do so it help me get batter.

but am taking a smell brk form this to get my bairn back in to story mode for this right now am working on a new fan fic call Fluttershy The Closet Gamer.

This one am puting alot of work becasue i love video games to my soul.

I almost for got love the stories you make and my name is Zsewq the Wolf

Random Name
Random Name #5 · Jan 18th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
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Not bad but could use some work with the grammar and the punctuation. My story isn't a master piece either but there is always room for improvement. Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

Dispersed Honour
Dispersed Honour #7 · Jan 30th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
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(emptied this comment because at it's time it took up half the page)

zsewqthewolf
zsewqthewolf #8 · Jan 30th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
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2047996 TY TY so mech i needed hlep with my spelling so mech. and yes i would love if you can hlep eaithing. and i'll add you name to the story as for hleping more.

Dispersed Honour
Dispersed Honour #9 · Jan 30th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
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2048023

it wasn't much trouble I proof read that chapter in five minutes and besides I have to much free time

Edit: I'm guessing you found a new proofreader, I don't care if you did or not I was a terrible one anyway.

Dispersed Honour
Dispersed Honour #10 · Jan 30th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
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I'll fave the story so I can advertise it on my page so you can possibly get more views

Edit: I unFavorited for now until the next update
(I'll still keep it bookmarked for future chapter updates but I don't want to really keep it favorited until then)

zsewqthewolf
zsewqthewolf #11 · Jan 30th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
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2048216 thx a whoe alot, i been meaning to update but been too busy.

Dispersed Honour
Dispersed Honour #12 · Jan 30th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
Reply

2048242 it's all right and besides most authors like you always have long delays just to make sure every chapter is good
have a couple mustaches:moustache::moustache:

Rain Firis
Rain Firis #15 · May 14th, 2013 · · · The new life ( re edit ) ·
Reply

blue = could be added to help with details and make it a little longer
red = what you need to add to make it grammatically correct because it is grammatically incorrect

Day 1
10:43AM
In Twilight Sparkles Library she was just reading books as always cleaning and what not until
*BOOM*. The window slams open
Twilight was startled and looked over to and see Rainbow Dash fly though through the window.
"TWILIGHT YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS!" yelled Rainbow Dash
"Rainbow What's going on?" Twilight asks
Rainbow just goes over to the TV and turns on the news
This is CH4 with breaking news
"Hi am here in Manehatten there's been an unknown outbreak where dead pony's ponies are coming back and trying to ea-"
Shotgun sound's and sounds of ponies screaming of bloody murder full fills the noise in the background of the news reporter
"As I was saying their eating pony's ponies and turning into them, The princess tells everypony to stay indoors until further notice."
As they about to cut off the reporter was attacked by a zompony, The camera-stallion droped his camera to help to get the
zompony off her until he himself was bitten. and He pulled out a hoofgun and killed it, after that the camera was cut off.
Twilight was in a paniced shock. "T-THIS GOT HAS TO BE A JOKE, RIGHT RAINBOW?!"
"Wish I have it was but no this isn't a joke it's real as it get." Rainbow says in a down tone.
"DOES THE OTHERS KNOW!?"
"Yes Twilight there on their way."
11:56AM
Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, AJ shows up at the library with their saddlebags pack to the grimbrim with what ever they have.
AJ "We need to get to my farm, tell everypony we tellsee to go over there so they don't run out of food or water. for this I don't know
how long this is going to be be but am not going to let any dead head pony to kill our friends and family."
Rarity "well yes who knows how long until those things.. Get to ponyville."
Fluttershy just look down and hide behind AJ
Pinkie yells "YA WHO KNOWS THOSE MEANINGS WELL WHAT THOSE MEANIES WILL DO I MEAN DIDN'T YOU SEE THE NEWS!"
Twilight "I know I know" (she Twilight keeps on continues packing all the books and food she could while and spike was packing medical supplies and a baseball bat as his weapon)
After packing they run out of the library to the farm, as they did they see others are doing the same thing. pony's or ponies boarding up their homes and taking what they can with them.
12:05PM
At the farm almost everypony was there even the all the ponyville doctors and nurses are there with their medical equipment in the barn. There were tents set up outside everywhere, trying to not panic over this.
Than Twilight in her mind something hit her mind suddenly realized something. "AJ, Rarity before walking into AJ homebefore you go inside can I ask you something?"
"Yes?" both of them say at the same time.
"Where's Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell at?"
AJ and Rarity eye's went gone wind wide open at what they realize that there was going as they realized their sisters went to see the Manehattan high school to see what other schools look like and what they do in the bigger city'scities.
Then they both yelled. "OUR SISTERS ARE IN MANEHATTEN WITH THOSE ZOMPONYS"
Every pony at the farm rememberwith foals realized they did the same sanding their little ones to see the big city, there mom dads and sisters and brothers started to panic.
Until Rainbow yelled "SSSTTTOOOPP!"
Every pony stoped and looked at her
"Look I know there over there but remember that we can call them at the school they gone to see went to so we can see if they're alright ."
Every pony remembers but sadly the farm didn't have a working phone.
Than Rarity takes out her cell phone she flip it open and calls her sisters phone.
12:07PM
Meanwhile at the Manehattan high school
The school was full of teens and young Ponies is trying to stay safe from the zompony attack.
The teen's at the high school looted guns and food shops for supplies, so far the school was made into a fort.
A few were armed but they only had .22 rifles and 12ga shotguns with crossbows, but thanks to the gun shop they looted not too long ago they find lots of rounds to less last them 1/2 yr and keep making sure every shot counts.
Same Some of the teens were builders, their work they were working on the fort walls trying to make them better for to protect them from the oncoming zomponys anyway they can.
But at the rooftop of the 6 story high school.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were holding each other hoping this will all end and their classmates are doing the same
Then out of nowhere Sweetie Bells cell phone ring and she she picks it up.
"Sweetie are you ok darling. ?" Rarity says panic in her voice.
"Rarity what's going on?!" Sweetie bell says out loud.
"I don't know but are you safe Sweetie bell?"
"Yea the teens at this school knows how to fight and build some kind of wall to hold the zomponys back."
Rarity hears the gun fire. "Do they have guns with them sweetie?!"
"Yes."
"Ok just wanted to know that's all darling."
"Stay there darling am coming for you ok." she says, and hangs up.
Twilight Sparkle asks. "Is everything ok?" "yes the school is built into a makeshift fort but I highly is not doing good don't think they'll be safe for long."
Pinkie pie jump out of nowhere "yea we need to save them!"
"But. Pinkie were not ready to take them on right now, we don't even have fire arm's or a way to take them all back safe."
"Yeah I have gone but I'm on Twilights side here on this onethis time, I mean they took a really big bus there ok. Plus what about the smaller towns that is fulled filled with zomponys by now." Rainbow Dash says.
"So what we are going to do now is set , sit here and do nothing Twilight?!" AJ yelled.
"What no no no no no, we need to get what we need first then go ok AJ."
"Like guns, ammo, food, water, power crystal to power the bus or cars, and medical supplies."
"It be a few days but we can still see how their doing with Raritys cell phone by the way call here to get the old one's to find a 2-way radio."
"Why MissTwilight?" Rarity asks
"Because we don't know when the phone lines go out ok."
"Oh ok darling."
"Fine, but if my little sister die's because we wait I'll never forgive myself."
She then walks away
Twilight "ok girls let's talk to all the pony's here and see if they got what we need to save them, "right" all 5 say"
"Rainbow go talk to AJ ok so we can get what we need to get fast as possible."
"Ok." Rainbow fly to her.
Day 2 6:23AM
The fort of the farm is now well built to hold anything back
By talking to pony's ponies at the farm they say they've seen a bus stop that have a city bus park there and the power crystal still full and can run for way more years to come, but it wasn't built to divert over zomponys yet
"Spike and Fluttershy stay here and make sure if you see any zomponys at the wall kill them all." Twilight say.
"Ok" both of them say at the same time.
"AJ, and Rainbow I want you to go to that bus stop to get our ride here, the ponies here give gave us same some guns and ammo they
bring brought with them"
Here's your weapon AJ.
. 357 revolver 8 shot
50 rounds
Switchblade
Rainbow get a
9mm hoofgun magazines hold 15 rounds
4 magazines
Baseball bat wood
Pinkie and me will go to the gun store to get ammo and guns. Twilight said.say
Pinkie get's a
.22 hunting Semiautomatic magazine holds 10 rounds
10 magazines
Tire Iron
Twilight get's a
12 gauge double-barrel shotgun
30 shells
Metal pipe
6:10AM
At the Manehatten High School
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were up and walking in the big school
After a few mins Apple Bloom asks
"Scootaloo what are we looking for?" " the football locker room or workshop. "
Sweetie Bell asks, "Why?"
"Because after playing so many video games about zombie's we need armor to use so we won't get bitten by them and turn into them."
"Oh ok"
6:43AM
After all that walking they found the work room, "Sweetie Bell hey can you make us some body armor, but make them where you can't bite into them."
"I'll go make some weapon's for us all that we can use. are the nail guns here and melee weapons are over here."
"Apple Bloom make a scooter for me and big but make lightweight but strong."
7:38AM
Geared up and ready to go.
Sweetie bell asks, "Why do we need to help the teens to loot?"
"They take too long of a time to get the same thing that Oley only takes us minutes to do, with us they can get more done"
Apple Bloom says "so where looters now right?" "yes" Scootloo say
"The Cutie Mark Crusaders Looters YAY!"

above you need to remove the crossed out misspelled words and add the ones in red. it took like almost 2 hours to correct all the grammar but I'm finally done! :pinkiehappy: I corrected every grammar mistake I could find :rainbowkiss:

Rain Firis
Rain Firis #16 · May 16th, 2013 · · · Looting 1 ( re edit ) ·
Reply

red = need to put it in the sentence

AJ and Rainbow Dash was walking to the bus stop in town.
"Hey AJ you try to get the bus working, am going to go loot for any food in the bus station is that ok with you?"
"Hay no, I need somepony to look out for any of those zomponys, so I can work on to getting the bus working right ok"
"Ok AJ"
7:13AM
Ponyville Bus Station
"AJ get down." Rainbow Dash pulls AJ behind a brick wall
"What in the hay gotten into you girl?"
"3 zomponys at that bus stop look" Rainbow and AJ look over the wall and see them limping mindless and moaning.
"Get your weapon out." Rainbow pulls out a baseball bat and AJ takes out her switchblade
" Ready AJ?" "
"I was born ready"
"Ok in 3. 1.... 2.... 3!"
Both of them ran up to two of the closest zomponies, Rainbow Dash hit the zompony head so hard that it flew off it's body, AJ used her switchblade to stab the zompony's head and killed it.
The last one was moaning and limping to them fast as it can.
Before the zompony do anything Rainbow hit it in the head and keep on doing so until it stop moving and moaning all together
"You ok Rainbow?" "Ya I'm am ok AJ."
They walk to the bus to see if it still works, Dash turned it on and it worked, But wean when they opened the hood to see the power crystal is almost out of power they and needed to be replaced soon.
7:57 AM
Inside bus station
They see 5 vending machines 3 for soda's and 2 for junk food and cup noodles. and a bits register and see one they see a register with bits in it and a dead pony that have had a shotgun and a full box of ammo in its hoof .and they looted everything they could and put everything that can would fit in their saddlebags.
"Ok Rainbow we looted everything we can even they bit's, "
"Ok lets get going then."
They drove the bus back to the farm so it can be fixed up.
6:57AM
In the Ponyville marketplace
They walk through the town marketplace trying to find the gun store, the owner was at the farm and give gave them the key's so they can loot out all the gun and ammo that they can find.
"Pinkie you know where the gun store is at?"
"I think so, Twilight follow me"
After a few more minsminutes of walking they finally find it.
"Pinkie is going inside to fill up my saddlebags, than you do the same thing. keep an eye out for any zomponys."
"Okie dokie lokie"
7:01 AM
Pinkie was outside and then she hears something.
" What was that?!"
Zomponys come out of old buildings and alleys. When Pinkie saw them she pulled out the .22 rifle and fire on their headsshot at their heads
After putting and using up one clip of ammo
"TWILIGHT YOU BETTER HURRY UP I THINK MORE OF THEM ARE COMING NOW!"
Twilight heard pinkies warning and hurried to get the rest of the loot as fast as she could.hear what pinkie just do and say, so hurry and and try to loot as fast as her hoof can go.
7:08 AM
"Pinkie is it's your turn!"
Twilight run out the door than pull then pulled out the iron pipe and use her magic to hold the double barreled shotgun
Pinkie pie run ran into the store and to pick up anything left and try to go fast as she can
8:13 AM
Twilight was shooting, and hitting zompony heads off when she needed to reload the 2 shotgun shells she'll would hit them in the head with the iron pipe.
Than Then Pinkie runran out of the store.
"Hey Twilight I got everything I can carry we'll come back later for more."
"Ok, Let's get the buck out of here"
8:31 AM
Apple Family farm
Fluttershy and Spike was inside AJs home setting up the 2-way radio trying to get it to work.
Outside the fort wall was all done big Mac saw the bus and opened the wall to let them in
8:33 AM
Big Mac asks " where's Twilig- "
Cutting off Big Mac everyone on the wall saw Pinkie and Twilight running like 2 likeas if if their plot were on fire or something
" OPEN THE WALL! " Twilight yells in a panicky way
Big Mac opened it and let them in. Before asking them what's wrong, there was a small horde of zompony's. Then his eyes went wide
"Eeeyup "

sorry I didn't post this yesterday, I'll work on the next chapter right now :twilightsmile:

Rain Firis
Rain Firis #17 · May 16th, 2013 · · · Looting 2 ( re edit ) ·
Reply

8:00 AM
Manehatten High School
"Scootaloo are you sure we need to look." Apple Bloom say said in a worryworried voice
"Don't worry about it am sure we be fine, I mean with this new scooter i bet we can go over those zomponys at easy as Pinkie Pie bakes cupcakes."
"ok than" Apple Bloom looked down as they walk to the wall of the high school walls.
"Hey you there!" Scooteraloo yelled at one of the teens ponysponies. the young stallion walkinged over to them
"What is it do you want? Oh and the name is Longshot." He was ahas black fur and a red mainmane. he was a unicornpony.
"We want to help you guys loot for anything you need, we noticed that it takes you all day just to get something that is needed, so we willwould like to help, plzplease?"
"I don't know about it let me go talk to to the group about it 1stfirst ok?"
"Ok thanthen."
The young stallion walks to the group and they talked about it for a few mins minutes and the nodded theretheir heads.
the stallion walk back to the CMC and say "Ok you can loot for us but don't come crying to us if you get bitten by those zompony's we'll just have to kill you, got that?" in a cold voice
"We are ok aboutwith that right girl's?"
"Yes" both Sweetie Bell and Apple Bloom say.
"Ok thanthen, OPEN THE WALL! he yelled at the 2 ponysponies at the wall gate
The CMC was getting ready to go and loading there nailguns.
"Look we can find a hotspot on that map on that wall right there, pick what one you want ok there's 3 of them one for weapons, one for food and medical supplies and one more for any survivor that metmight be there, ok?" Longshot say poniting said, pointing at the map on thate wall.
"Ok thanthen, come on guys." The CMC walked up to the map.
"We need better weapon's thanthen what we have right now" Apple Bloom say while looking at her nailgun.
"Sure thing" Scootaloo say said.
They walk up to theretheir ride ofto getting around the city full of zompony's . Scootaloo starts to flutter her wings and take her friends to the spot.
As the going through, they haerhear gun shots sounds and yelling. they and see fire outside the big city.
8:51 AM
After killing as many zompony's as they could while they ride with theretheir nailguns, they finally show up at a old betbeat up gun shop
"Ok let's loot this place and get out of here"
They gone went inside and started looting everything they can inside the old gun store.
8:56 AM
"Ok girls that's all we can tak- AAAAAHHH!" Sweetie Bell was cut off by a zompony trying to bite into her side, but thanks to the armor that she made, the zompony couldn't bite through.
"SWEETIE BELL!" Apple Bloom yelled and shoot the zompony in the head, and killinged it.
"you ok there Sweetie?" Apple Bloom said as she helped her up.
"ya amI'm fine just....... fine." She said as she got back up
"Come girl's i think more orare coming." Scootaloo said as she walked back to theretheir ride back.
They were riding back in there scooter andnow with a wagon full of guns and ammo. now
9:34 AM
they comecame back at the high school and unloaded theretheir cargo
they were given 3 .22 rifle and 5000 rounds for them.
The CMC gone back into the the school and into the computer room hopeing tv or playing computer game's my help them relxelrelax a little.

Rain Firis
Rain Firis #18 · May 16th, 2013 · · · Bad news ( re edit ) ·
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Apple family farm fort
"HERE THEY COME!" Big Mac yelled.
As the zomponys hit the wall theythe ponies hit them in the head to killing them. This kept on going for twenty minutes. After that they put the zompony bodies in a hole and (spike?) set it on fire.
After that they gonewent back to trying to fix up the bus and makeing sure every pony was ok, hours have passed as the night comecame and everypony were all allwas eating dinner and lunch.
7:13 PM
"Hey everypony they news is back on the air." Rarity says out loud.
Every pony in the fort walk to the area where there a lot of tv's were set up. It was on CH4 news
"Am here in Canterlot downtown city, the top swat team and the police force are set to hold up the zomponys so the princess can exit and go to safety."
But as they watched it didn't help that the best of the best guards were getting eaten alive and die.
Every pony just turned off the tv in horror of what have has happened.
Everypony just turn off the tv in horror of what have happen.

Rain Firis
Rain Firis #19 · May 16th, 2013 · · · Bad news and Good news ( re edit ) ·
Reply

Day 5 12:16PM
Ever since 3 days ago that last news report was now not doing not any good for the ponies in the apple farms morale, seeing theretheir police officers, and the Luna and Celestia army wasbeing killed at the wall of cars and they were armed to the bones, only to see them getting eaten alive by the zomponies.
As of right now the main 6 waswere in the apple family house.
Twilight was keeping inventory of their supplies. Rarity was in the basement making armor for them and the ponies inside the fort. AJ was trying her best to keep Fluttershy in an ok mood she was rocking back and forth and keep and saying over and over” their they're going to get us all. “ Pinkie pie was not doing as well her mane was flat and she was having a hangover after drinking nine-teen beers the cans were littered on the floor.
6:16PM
It was time to eat dinner as the main 6 did Twilight decided to speak up. “ Hey girls I’ve got something to say about rescuing the kids. “ All of them turn their heads to look at her. “ We can start traveling to Manehattan tomorrow and it canwill take a 3 weeks to get there. If however we don’t stop for food or water so it meanst it will takeing us 5 weeks to get there, But order to do so we need to find more power crystal, we only findfound enough for 5 days.
Rainbow just now remembered something on how to fix all of this and yelled “ Wait what about the Elements Of Harmony?! “
“ Ya, Can’t we just use them to fix this Twi? “
Twilight head looked their way and a tear comecame out of her eye. “ Twi is there something wrong? “
“ If only that was true... “ All 5 of them look at her with wide eyes “ Spike show them the email I got 2 days ago. “
Spike walks to the table and pulls out an old laptop that havehas ponydows xp on it and placed it in front of them all. He opens up a file showing the Element Of Harmony in broken pieces
“ What in tarnation?! What happened to it! “ AJ yell out.
“ I don’t know girls, But she says that it just broke when she picked it up. She also shesaid this may not be magic at all. I'm am sorry girls. “

there I'm done. if you want you could pm me future chapters and I can fix them before you post them, or I can keep doing it like this :twilightsmile:

The Real Darkness
The Real Darkness #20 · Jul 15th, 2013 · · · The new life ( re edit ) ·
Reply

Okay...I'm just gonna stop reading this here. I want to cry at the monstrosity of punctuation and usage errors....

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