In The City

Zach, Equestria's resident human, is not having a great time being the only one of his species.

However, when Princess Luna interrupts his late-night sulking session, he experiences a change of heart.

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Skyblazer9

Skyblazer9 #1 · March 19th · 3 · ·

Great story, I loved the interactions between Zach and Luna along with Luna telling Zach of how she relates to feeling like an outcast due to her time being Nightmare Moon.

Blankscape

Blankscape #2 · 3 weeks ago · 1 · ·

Heyo! Took me a while to get back to this. My folks bribed me to joining them on a trip, and we just got back.

Let me start with a foreward--and a sorta conclusion; as someone who believes in using the whole scale, I'd grade this a great 7/10. First off, lemme get to the loose ends.

Do not pretend. I know you, Zach, as does my sister. You wear your emotions like a crown, heavy on both your head and your image.
All of my problems suddenly seemed smaller, more insignificant and childish.
Personally, I'm not fond of the trope of purportedly god-like beings knowing better even if it is an established trope. Not that I have a problem with the trope itself or that Luna is exemplifying it. Just feels iffy to me that the perspective of this trope is almost always used to make 'mortal' worries lesser than they are. Also somewhat related, i find it strange Luna and Celestia 'know' Zach after a few... months? Gonna go with months. Which implies they know him well. But if Zach has only been growing standoff-ish and distant all this time since his arrival, I think it would be a stretch to say they know him that way.
All that aside, the 'crown' line after is an excellent reference. Great use and callback to a classic line.
“Have you tried?” Luna said quietly.
“No,” I replied.
This sorta speaks to a lack of experience on your part. If Zach is depressed enough to feel alone, then he definitely has tried. I feel like there was a missed opportunity here. There definitely was room for some backstory to expound how Zach feels alienated and isolated. Small recountings or flashbacks like a failed job interview, getting tripped or thrown stuff by aristocracy and their spoiled kids, misinterpreted whispers & laughs, or finding a few potential friends but still being stuck in the middle and not quite fitting in.
Side note, this is supposedly set in Canterlot, but this feels like it could be any city in Equestria, or a cutout of Manehattan. You could do with a few more descriptions to solidly set the place as the capital city, like the mountain air, gold & purple veneer, pristine streets, or the alabaster stone.
She wasn't wrong in her point, but her words failed to quell the tide of doubt that so frequently rose in me when it came to this subject
That's just beautiful writing there--especially the larger 2nd half. Such beautiful verse.
I assure you, not every pony in Canterlot seeks to take advantage of your relation to me and my sister. There are some, but they are few. I highly doubt you have dealt with any of them yet.
I get that MLP is a kid's show, but it's rather basic to rely on the fact that ponies are canonically pretty kind & peaceful creatures. Not that I hold it against the story, it is a one-shot after all. But given that it's been 5 years since the finale, it seems terribly tired & safe at this point to hold to a canon catered to kids. So even a bit of fleshing out and building of Equestria as a world to make it a bit more real and reasonable, goes a long way to make things refreshing. It is a civilization of ponies after all, a huge population. So, I'm gonna guess a minimum census of 5 to an upward of 30 million. So, forgive me when I can't really believe Luna when she says there are only 'a few' bad apples, mainly in the aristocracy.

That all aside, this is a great story. While the premise is tried-n-true, and rather expected of early fanfics back in the day, you have an excellent and solid foundations as a writer. You have good set up for environment and use of mood to well ease the reader into the POV of the characters. You have a timely cadance in the back and forth of dialogue, and best part about that is you don't exclusively rely on dialogue like a crutch. A very common pitfall most other writers fall into is writing their stories as paragraphs of dialogue, relegating the minutia of the scene and physical acting to the reader's imagination. You go the opposite, interspersing dialogue with tactful follow-thrus that turn writing into less of a chore and more of a spectacle, almost like TV/film. Zach does this, or Luna says that, and the other appropriately reacts in small gestures. You also pause dialogue at times to delve into the character's introspection, which is a technique that can further add depth. Those are what I look for in great writing; the [premise/action/reaction] moving forward, rhythm of dialogue, and the breadth and accent of supplementary details such as mannerisms and minor exposition thru thought.

In summary, while the premise is somewhat run-of-the-mill well after the peak of MLP fanfics, you wrote this very well. And barring my own wandering attention which is a hassle for me to deal with, you had my interest from start to finish. It was great talk with Luna, and I hope in your canon--even if you don't write it out, Zach's feeling better and doing fine.

Great job!

Buck Swisher

Buck Swisher #3 · 3 weeks ago · 1 · ·

11869087
I appreciate the review, homie! And I love the constructive criticism here.

Personally, I'm not fond of the trope of purportedly god-like beings knowing better even if it is an established trope.

Fair. If I'm being honest, it's not something I originally intended to center this around. Still though, I gotta say I'm happy with how it turned out.

All that aside, the 'crown' line after is an excellent reference. Great use and callback to a classic line.

THANK YOU. I was so proud of myself for that one 😂 a lot of this story was me experimenting with more intricate and descriptive wording. I'm glad you caught that.

This sorta speaks to a lack of experience on your part. If Zach is depressed enough to feel alone, then he definitely has tried. I feel like there was a missed opportunity here. There definitely was room for some backstory to expound how Zach feels alienated and isolated.

I may go back in at some point and take a look at that. That part could probably use a little bit of rewriting.

That's just beautiful writing there--especially the larger 2nd half. Such beautiful verse.

Another part I was pretty proud of. Like I said, I was experimenting with more intricate wording, and I thought this was a highlight. Thanks for spotting it.

So, forgive me when I can't really believe Luna when she says there are only 'a few' bad apples, mainly in the aristocracy.

Gotcha. Didn't wanna go too in detail about the whole thing, but I can see how you're not really feeling that part. I hope it's not too glaring.

You have a timely cadance in the back and forth of dialogue, and best part about that is you don't exclusively rely on dialogue like a crutch. A very common pitfall most other writers fall into is writing their stories as paragraphs of dialogue, relegating the minutia of the scene and physical acting to the reader's imagination. You go the opposite, interspersing dialogue with tactful follow-thrus that turn writing into less of a chore and more of a spectacle, almost like TV/film. Zach does this, or Luna says that, and the other appropriately reacts in small gestures. You also pause dialogue at times to delve into the character's introspection, which is a technique that can further add depth. Those are what I look for in great writing; the [premise/action/reaction] moving forward, rhythm of dialogue, and the breadth and accent of supplementary details such as mannerisms and minor exposition thru thought.

This is actually something I have consistently struggled with. I really wanted to improve the way I wrote dialogue, given if you look at my older stories a lot of it is bare and and lacks any real substance other than the words being spoken. In short, I used to rely on it heavy. I wanted to start fixing that.

In summary, while the premise is somewhat run-of-the-mill well after the peak of MLP fanfics, you wrote this very well. And barring my own wandering attention which is a hassle for me to deal with, you had my interest from start to finish. It was great talk with Luna, and I hope in your canon--even if you don't write it out, Zach's feeling better and doing fine.

I may or may not use Zach's character again in the future. I don't think I'm gonna write a sequel, but I feel like there's enough promise for me to use him in a future story. Could be interesting.

Once again, thanks for the review! I appreciate you taking the time to read this, homie 🙌🏼

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