Growing up in an orphanage is hard for Sunset Shimmer. Though she looks like a unicorn, she has some striking differences. The foals bully and harass her because of her looks.
One day Sunset has an "incident" that destroys the orphanage. This catches the attention of Princess Celestia who takes her in and adopts her as a daughter.
While living as the princess' adoptive daughter, Sunset encounters another strange pony named Twilight Sparkle who looks strikingly different from herself. The two bond over their unusual natures
On the longest day of the longest year, Nightmare Moon attacks.
The two strange flee the only place they know to an odd town on the edge of the Everfree Forest known as Ponyville where they meet others as strange as them. They must work together to find a way to defeat Nightmare Moon and save Princess Celestia.
This story is an AU from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic timeline.
Sunset Shimmer: kirin
Twilight Sparkle: naga(unicorn-cobra hybrid creature)
Pinkie Pie: draconequis
Rarity: normal unicorn married to an adult Spike the dragon
Spike: an adult dragon married to Rarity
Sweetie Belle: half-dragon hybrid daughter of Rarity and Spike
Fluttershy: otter selkie(a magical creature that can turn into an otter)
Applejack: dryad stallion married to Rainbow Dash (pony that has the traits of a bush, shrub or small tree)
Rainbow Dash: normal pegasus married to Applejack
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo: half-dryad daughters of Applejack and Rainbow Dash
Cadance: crystal pegasus
This is a T-rated story. The sex tag is for some brief mentions of sex, but nothing explicit. The violence tag is for some mild violence, but nothing gratuitous.
This story seems REALLY promising, and it sounds like Ponyville will be a very accepting town, based on the description!
I am eager to see where this story goes.
Wow. Interesting premise, well written, great action. Only advice:
(I see, further on, you do use scene breaks, so maybe just an editing error for that one transition?)
separate scene breaks with a line or dashes. It was quite jarring to go from the orphanage conflagration to Celestia's throne room, suddenly!Otherwise, definitely going in my Reading and Tracking stacks! Keep it up!
UPDATE: Now FEATURED on 2023-11-26!
First you had my interest. Now you have my attention.
Well done! Keep up the good work!
I like this. I like this a lot. I do wish we'd gotten more of them growing up, but this is probably better. Thanks for the chapter!
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You're welcome, kind reader.
Just a question: is Big Mac a litteral bush? Or did I get that wrong?
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He's a dryad who looks like a bush.
Interesting story. Added to my Google read list.
This is an interesting concept. There are several stories on the site about Sunset becoming an adoptive sister, of sorts, to twilight, and even one I can think of where Celestia was their mother, but to have such unique forms as a kirin and a naga is certainly something new. Much less where Chrysalis is Celestia's sister in addition to Luna.
Your character personalities and backstories are also good, and I like the lore you've introduced, especially the mentality of the Guard, and the Family Guard in particular.
The one thing that needs a little polishing is your grammar, and your use of commas after dialogue in particular.
There shouldn't be any commas after the end quotes. When the dialogue ends with a period and you identify the speaker afterwards, then you may replace the period, inside the quotation marks, with a comma, but no comma comes after end quotation marks. In the case of a question mark or exclamation point, no comma is needed at all.
For example:
Should be:
"And I'm feeling kind of dizzy," Twilight said.
Notice that the comma that was outside the quotation marks has replaced the period inside the quotation marks.
Also:
Should be:
"Ugh! I never want to see another berry again!" Twilight said.
And:
"How are we supposed to get down?" Sunset asked.
When there's an exclamation point or question mark, a comma isn't needed at all.
Hope that helps!
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Thanks for the criticism and advice on the grammar.
I was taught that you add the comma before or after the quotation marks when indicating who said what. Maybe it is an older way of doing so and the rules of grammar have changed, but you know what they say about old dogs and new tricks.