Twenty years after Twilight Sparkle becomes the princess of friendship, the princesses are disturbed by prophetic visions of the decedent of an old ally, shades of an old enemy and betrayal. Not long after they're disturbed by their visions they are alerted to a strange two-legged creature speaking in a strange tongue coming across the tundra from the far north, skirting the edge of the Crystal Empire. The only clue to where it is going is an old map in its possession leading to the old Everfree Castle.
Chapters (11)
You should stick with normal color print instead of different colors for each character. Makes it hard to read their dialogue.
10105643
That's a good idea. Thank you. It'll definitely make my writing the character's dialogue easier.
Yikes, the Norwegian here got butchered hard.
10108427
Sorry about that. I figured the site I use would do that. This is the site I've been using, https://www.translator.eu/english/norwegian/translation/
If you know of a better site please share it so when I start on chapter 3 I can use it.
10108480
Sorry no, I don't know any translation site for full sentences never needed that for Norwegian.
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQSMt9bIlODYKlVykvbex9Fifff-pdcEPEsYDRydAoFlhc3dGFq
10126656
Man, how many layers of dust did you have to knock off that one?
10127514
quite a lot, but just for you...
i.imgur.com/Vf6XdFd.gif
In any event, good job and keep writing :)
10127769
*basks in the glory of double Techno Viking*
Holy crap! I wish I was half as jacked as he still is at 20!
Why did you make the chapters so long?
Please get rid of the color dialogue since it makes reading the dialogue a bit annoying.
10127996
Okay edited. Thanks for reading and giving criticism.
10127899
It's a combination of manic creativity and inspiration from Tolkien and Herbert.
... Alright, so, I have some notes.
Firstly: were you trying to go for Norwegian or Norse? Or even Viking-age Norwegian? Because unless you wanted to go with modern Norwegian (and Bokmål - book speech - at that. It's funny, because your Viking sounds like a city-slicker's dictionary.) you'd actually be better off with Icelandic. Modern Norwegian is much closer to Danish than it is Norse.
Secondly: "Sky queen" is not a Norwegian word. Just... no. "Dammit" is also not a curse. You're translator just skipped it.
Thirdly: Don't try to translate lots of things. Simple words and phrases should be more than enough to get the point across. Think about it like this: people who don't know Norwegian don't understand what's being said and think it's dumb, and people who understand what's being said are wincing at the atrocious translation and think you're ignorant. It's a lose-lose situation. With that in mind, it's really enough to just say that the language was unintelligible, describe how it sounds, and then throw out some curses or something at appropriate times. It's more descriptive of how it actually sounds than just a bunch of words without context or understanding... though you'll have to find a regional dialect to stick with. Good luck with that.
10146361
Thanks for reading and for the criticism.
1) I chose modern Norwegian for the translator site. I dropped the translator partway through the second chapter. I did think about using an elder futhark(I definitely misspelled that) translator, but decided against it as I felt it would mangle the syntax even worse. I knew I should have had his thought and speech process more direct, rather than use a translator site. I also had a bit wrote out originally where he had been taught Ponlish by the alicorns of the far north and he would have spoken in Shakespearean diatribes, but I wound up second guessing myself and erasing the few sentences. I knew better and like an idiot I went the worst way.
2) I noticed that the translator skipped those words. As for my choice of the term sky queen/king, I had put some thought into what a culture who have seen alicorns would call them, but only have familiarity of earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns from old legends.(not as deeply as I'd probably brag)
I apologize if I ruined your immersion or suspension of disbelief and will strive to do better in the future.
/)
its rare to find such a good story that has such good details
10193217
Thank you. I've got nearly 30 years of amateur writing, most of which isn't very good.
10193311
damn thirty years thats pretty good experience
10193396
Well I started in 7th grade and there were several years where I didn't write anything because of my long dealing with mental illness. If you take from when I started writing, then yeah it's nearly 30 year, but taking the periods I didn't write anything, it's closer to 22.
10193424
still its a good amount of time and experience
How many chapters long will this story be?
10232434
I'm not sure. Depending on how things go, at least twelve.
Dang, this is good. I regret it took me so long to read this!
HAROLD? who is harold?! why did you put a picture of king ragnar lothbrok on the cover!!! You made me think that this was a Vikings crossover
10329444
No it's spelled Harald. I chose that because the other pictures I found depicted mostly naked muscle bound guys wearing loincloths and horned helmets, though I'm not opposed to that, it didn't fit what I was looking for image-wise as I seriously lack Photoshop skills. Have you been enjoying the story so far? Other than my choice in name and picture, are there any other criticisms?
10329791
no I stopped reading a at the first mention of his name
10329942
Ah well, can't win them all. Thanks for reading what little you did and commenting.
....
Fricked it...
Oh yes, fourth wall Pinkie. Of course.
Has Dota 2 flashbacks. Shivers. "Does he too have infinite stun?"
Funny, same time as the EROH universe's Twilight.
The Wheel of Time? Well, the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb1eMwm7fS8
10354616
As a pagan I actually drew from my own personal spiritual beliefs as mystic time is often a factor in spiritual practices.
10354801
Aye, I see. Wasn't actually basing that off of any religion, except for a fictitious one in the Wheel of Time series.
Accuracy IV
Accurate.
Accurate.
I doubt she'd have used it.
I laughed at this. Hard.
🤣 I'm dying!
Lovely. I laughed at least twenty times.
Imma warn ya right now, a conversation like this goes down in EROH too. Just so you don't think it's plagiarism or something.
10382928
You wrote it without any foreknowledge of my work.
Imma
stealplagiarizetakeuse this idea.10383448
Word?
10383455
Um, word? Does that mean you'd like to have a word?
10383511
It's old 90's slang.
10383951
What does it mean tho?
10383977
Pretty much whatever you want. It really doesn't translate in typing as it's really hard to do inflection and intent.
I liked the story myself, it has alot of grammar errors and the romance happend way too quick to be real in my opinion, but it was a good and interesting story. Too many people are nit picky and dont understand that to reach the gold you gotta dig through the dirt and mud first. I look forward to the sequel.