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For a long time walkers have been traveling to many different places, all of them with fascinating, simple stories, of absolute horror or simply the strangest and craziest that have ever existed, one alone ended up in a world unknown to his kind, although it does not matter for that, what things could be in store for him in this new world?
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I love this idea.
11853059
Thank you, I going to tried to maintain the idea and not tried to get crazy or bad.
11853098
Ok.
Apologies for the late comment. Something came up and i forgot to get to this.
Anywho i've read through your story, but i have to be honest; there aren't many positive things I can say about it. The only good thing I think is that the premise... isn't bad and is workable. But it's hard to tell because this is still the first chapter. So i can only judge it for what is there.
Over 6k words, a lot of things have happened, yet also nothing has happened. Your main character is supposed to be an advanced space traveler who only needs a suit & no ship, but so far you have only been vague with the details. He arrives near the Everfree forest, see the major landmarks, gets chased by Timeberwolves, and sneaks around Ponyville. Nothing about what has happened says much about your character's personality or is exciting writing in itself to read. All that really happened was him just walking around and looking at things without really affecting the world, like an invisible tourist. Sure, he did explore a lot & got chased, but since he didn't interact much with the ponies or even get hurt, there is nothing to relate to & there are no stakes to make it interesting. In many ways, only the basic stuff happens; the main character goes to the Everfree, then to the Castle of the Royal Sisters, then to Ponyville, even gets chased by Timberwolves, but nothing that matters has happened. He sees ponies but nothing happens. Almost like a zoo in a sense.
Those issues seem bad, but they can be fixed with better planning & adding in some ideas to make it fresh. But the bigger issues here, i think, are your writing & structure.
Punctuation is important, but you keep using commas, and your setences go on, and on, and on, and on, and on--which is very tiring to read. A good writer knows when to use commas to break up a sentence, or to use a period to end it and start a new one.
But most of all, your word choice and phrasing are VERY flat and dry. By that, i mean there is no emotion, no texture, no detail. This combines with the uneventful story to make for an exhausting reading experience. In honesty, it felt like a chore to read several paragraphs. And since i managed to finish all 6k words, it felt like i spent an afternoon doing chores. In any story, you don't want to make readers feel tired about the actual act of reading. That will put them off and make them turn away. You want them to be insterested both in the story and the reading itself.
That all said, i think this is as much as i can give for criticism. I would like to give you more pointers, but that would be too in-depth for just a comment. In the end, the idea of your story is alright, but it needs more work & planning. More importantly, the bigger issues it has are fundamental & needs a lot of improvement from you as a writer to solve. The best advice i can give is to read some good sci-fi stories and try your best to learn from them. Here are some good ones from me.
Pure Sci-fi, human astronauts meeting ponies.
- MLP: FiM
- Adventure
- Sci-Fi
A mission to investigate a far off world takes an interesting twist.Mostly romance with some sci-fi elements.
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Slice of Life
A human escaping from a nuclear holocaust brings change to all of Equestria and a certain librarian.Big adventure story with lots of sci-fi.
- MLP: FiM
- Drama
- Mystery
- Sci-Fi
Humanity's space exploration ultimately took the form of billions of identical probes, capable of building anything (including astronauts themselves) upon arrival at their destinations. One lands in Equestria. Things go downhill from there.You should check out other stories that you think would help you too. Not just sci-fi but other genres. Look at the things that you like about any story you read & try to understand what they are doing right. It's either learning from the things you read and/or writing experience. For the latter, I can only tell you to keep writing and keep learning.
11857949
well, in that case I need to be better and try edit the chapter and not to be flat and dry.
11858507 Sorry for the late reply. Here's an example, a snippet from a story I'm working on.
So, the rundown of this section is that an OC saves Rainbow Dash from hurting herself. After getting her to calm down, she takes Dash to the pony who asked the OC to check up on her, who happens to be in Sweet Apple Acres. In this snippet here, Rainbow and the other character, Angel, arrive at the farm and roam around, looking for someone. Due to other story events, a big portion of the property was destroyed and some Apple family members were hurt. And when you consider that Rainbow likes to nap around town, it should be pretty distressing for her to see a nice place be so damaged nearly beyond recognition. I could easily hash out that outline in about 75-150 words, but instead, I stayed in that short sequence and fleshed it out. It is now around 750 words.
So that's my general writing style. I tend to linger at scenes in order to bring details out more fully in a florid and perhaps a Tolkeinian fashion. I made a LOT of descriptions there. I described the apple orchard, how it was VS how it looks now, a bit of its importance as a farm to Ponyville and Equestria on the whole, how the fence was broken, how the grounds were disturbed, destroyed and left open like a corpse, so on and so forth. And then towards the end, I took the opportunity to show how this was making Rainbow feel (both how the environment is affecting her and how neglecting exercise and depression has affected her), since this is from her POV. All of that written in an almost poetic manner with a bit of personifaction, such as with the fence 'welcoming' visitors, and the soil wanting plants to grow in it. For the type of story I'm trying to make, I felt like the poetic approach helps to engage the readers, since poetry has a tendency to make people think about both phrasing and what the words mean. But since these are basically descriptions of normal things, they feel fun to read because they are a different way of looking at something normal. It's easy to say the 'over half the farm was destroyed,' but as something to read, I think it was much more engaging to show how the state of the farm feels to the people live there and love the place.
All that is to say, a writer can write as much as they need for their story, if you have the imagination for it. But your imagination is only as big as your own experience, both in terms of what your can write and the breadth of the stories you have read. After all, we can only write from what we know.
In your case, again, since you are aiming for a sci-fi story, you should observe how other good sci-fi stories are written, observe and learn as best as you can what makes them work as a reading experience. IMO the last one I recommended you, 'Message in a Bottle' by Starscribe is the one right up your ally, and the best fit for you.
Hope this helps!
11868576
Sorry if it is a bit repetitive but thank you very much, it is good to see that they try to help in this and that is the best I can ask.
From there I will see if I can try to better my own narrative and try to show a better expressiveness is my writings in theory and I hope to be able to capture it in practice.
11868679
It took me this long mostly alone to get this far in my writing. Hopefully, this will help you get along faster than 11 years haha!