They say the beginning of a story could be the hardest part to get through. Which is understandable when you have so much to cover. Figuring out when to start when there’s so much that happened, can be a challenge.
Determining when things went right.
And when they went really, really wrong…
I guess I should just start by introducing myself, shouldn’t I?
My name is North Star.
And this is the story of me trying to be the greatest hero in Equestria.
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Hey I'm back with my first ever RGRE fic! Hope you enjoy! I know I've been dead for almost a decade but I wanted to come back!
Want to support me and make me cry? Consider donating to my ko-fi! ko-fi.com/negativenexus
Notice, January 4th: Hey dropping this down here cuz the next chapter isn’t ready yet. I’m not dead! Had a ton of irl junk going on. Was in a car accident and was in the hospital for a while, but I’m back now! Just getting resettled and I’ll be posting again soon! Miss you guys!
I have never been too fond of openings like these, especially the whole meta angle of the character talking about how a story is structured in the first few lines. However, that is not a criticism of your writing as much as my intuition not liking them. These sorts of openings can be done well, I just personally am not too fond of them.
You start with the third-person POV...
...and then change to first-person POV. Try and keep it consistent from beginning and end. I am guilty of changing perspectives myself in one of my older stories, but it should only be done for positive narrative effect such as when you want to convey a specific thing only a certain POV allows. For example, let us say you are writing a murder mystery and you want to tell a chapter from the POV of the deranged killer. Using a first-person perspective for this lone chapter, really immersing us in the killer's twisted mind, would be an example of using perspective changes to your advantage.
You should have a punctuation mark at the end of the action, not a comma. You should also use 'toward', not 'towards' in this instance. So it should be: I thrust the scroll towards her with my magic. "It came! Look!"
While this might be nitpicky I suggest you change it from "in three days' time" to "[insert date here]". If he lived in Canterlot then I imagine they could give him specific information like how many days are left until the ceremony. But seeing as he lives outside of Canterlot and the mail might take time for various reasons wouldn't it make more sense to write a date rather than however many days were left at the moment the letter was penned?
These things do not look as good as the built-in divider. Either press the line in the editing tool when writing or type "[ hr]".
Now onto my overall thoughts on this first chapter. I don't think it is terrible. It has a bit of a generic feeling to it and the fact North Star has the exact same test as Twilight and succeeds it feels a bit contrived. But I am willing to accept it since it seems you've established that every student at this school must pass this test, or rather try their best to. I do find it odd they have an entrance exam that only two students have ever passed, but I suppose its purpose is finding those with exceptional talent in magic.
Now onto North Star being taken on as the second personal student of Princess Celestia. I don't like it. Or rather I think it is a wasted opportunity. From the short-description of your story, you seem to hint at North Star having to fight discrimination in this mare-dominated world. Why not introduce this main aspect of your story in the first chapter? Have North Star be aware of what happened last time someone succeeded in this test and then have Celestia not pick him despite this. There would of course be numerous reasons as to why she wouldn't want or couldn't have several personal students at once while simultaneously ruling a queendom. But if you show North Star succeeding at the same thing as Twilight but not receiving the same praise or benefits you can already make the core conflict known. North Star will have to fight and study even harder than Twilight Sparkle if he wants to prove himself in this world.
That is of course just one idea of how you could change up the ending. But I hope you'll give it some consideration if nothing else. I hope you'll have a good day and that you'll post more chapters. I am giving a like to your story so you'll be motivated to come back to it, despite my many criticisms and tips being the first comments you get.
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I appreciate your feedback! I'll put all this into consideration as I go forward with this. And I would like to thank you for giving me the divider command, I couldn't find info on that anywhere! I'll definitely be using that in the future. And don't worry, the RGRE elements are just starting light, more is coming soon!
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There's no need to thank me. Just remember for the future to use the correct divider or one that looks just as good. And I recommend you edit your published chapter and maybe have someone else read through it as well. One thing I highly recommend is reading your paragraphs out loud. That will help you immensely with editing as you'll be able to hear when something sounds wrong.
I'm loving it. :)
looking good so far.
Love the story so far! Can’t wait for the next chapter!
Back? Back from what?
MC was clever to achieve what he did. However, I can’t help but wonder where the hay Celestia’s getting these eggs. One was mysterious enough. Now she’s definitely got some source if there’s multiples… or maybe she just got that original carton of a dozen and she’s just got the rest in her cooler.
That’s not what he told Applejack.
I wasn’t sure there would be an additional Element. I thought the story was leaning towards everyone liking North more and forcing Twilight’s character to actually struggle with friendship as the tag along character and long term story arc to overcome an obstacle she really has trouble with.
With everypony being like, “we like North better because he’s actually nice. Get wrecked, Twilight.” That’s some conflict to force her to really better herself.
I’ve heard that straight up retellings can be less than thrilling to write when they stick real close to canon. Original chapters and an ever-increasing likelihood of a divergence from canon will certainly be interesting to read. Who knows how an additional character will alter things? And it does seem that the other Bearers have an eye on our guy. Will be fun!
A lot getting set up. Hope it keeps building!
The dynamic of the cast is very fun. I hope there will be lots and lots more!!
Pinkie’s right on this one. If the writer’s enjoying the process, then it comes out in the product.
Twilight really seemed to like MC’s invitation. Might be a dance saved later…
Hatched a second drahon egg, became second student of the princess, liked by seemingly all main cast, does not doubt Twilight's words and knows exactly what to do... do I smell a Harry's stew cooking?
This was... actually painfully bland to read. It's so much of 'Second episode of the show: retold from PoV of a possible self-insert'. I haven't even read the chapter halfway and already began to get a feel what'll happen by the end. And after that I began to skim through text, because I've seen that all already. I know what happened. In fact, by the time I stopped to confim my hunch that I had at the beginning of the chapter of Star becoming the seventh element bearer I had to go back to see why that happened, because I skimmed over that part too.
Would have been more interesting if that spoilered bit did not happen, and North had to seek other ways to show his heroism.
Ah, the good old "'repressed memory' of some ambigous past failure".
Show that the protagonist know what that failure is. Flashes of images with just enough detail to outline what happened, maybe just facial expressions he remembered, maybe some sound or smell associated with that traumatic event. Give us something to speculate, to intrigue us with rather than just some ambigously ambigius ambguity.
I’m not sure fanfics will ever pay bills.
It’s unfortunate, but it’s beyond amazing that they still exist!! 
Applejack is lucky she didn’t get fined for the poisonings, crop and property destruction, and public safety concerns. Heroes get a pass.
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Unless they’re superheroes, then they actually do get sued over the craziest stuff.
Anyway, looks like next chapter is going to be the first to take a serious break from canon (beyond the whole ‘here’s an extra OC and he needs shoehorning in’ thing, anyway). In the show Luna wasn’t even heard from again until a full season later, after all.
It can occur in the span of a year if you want it to. Also, canon order doesn’t have to be chronological. All depends on how you want to tell your story.
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Yeah for real. Gonna group up a few episodes in season 1 I don’t feel like I could do a lot with. Feels really good to be writing again.
Your character doesn’t think like a pony. It is human mind in pony’s body.
I tried.
You also gonna skip any episodes North reasonably shouldnt have anything to do eith?
Keep on trucking
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Yes that’s the plan. Either where he wouldn’t be present or his contribution would essentially boil down to “oh and North Star was here too”. If I can put a creative spin on it though I’ll definitely tackle it. That’s what this whole project is for after all, to exercise my writing ability and to have fun with it!