“Mom! Mom!” A small colt with blue eyes, cream-covered fur, and a dark red mane and tail, runs through the hallway of the small house, a scroll held in his blue magic aura. He runs into the kitchen, bursting with excitement. There he finds his mother. A unicorn mare with tan fur, a black and a black and white mane making breakfast. Her cutie mark is in the shape of a red heart with a pulse line going across it.
Heart Rate, my Mom.
She turns to look at me, a look of curiosity in her blue eyes. “North? What’s got you so worked up?”
I thrust the scroll towards her with my magic, “It came! Look!”
She takes the scroll from me, opening it. She reads it aloud. “Dear North Star, It is with great joy we write to you saying we have approved your application to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!” She reads, getting excited herself. “Oh North, that’s amazing!” She says, pulling me into a hug.
I hug her back as she continues reading the letter. “We have taken the liberty to include two tickets to Canterlot for you and your Mother so you may come to take your entrance exam in three days' time.” She takes the tickets out of the letter, setting them all to the side. “Oh my little star, I knew you could do it! Ever since you got that cutie mark I knew you were going to be amazing.” She exclaims, pulling me into a tight hug.
“Thanks Mom,” I say, hugging her back. I look down to my flank, seeing my mark. A blue six-pointed star, with a longer bottom point and white and black whisps behind it, almost looking like fire. “I promise I’ll make you proud.”
“Oh my Little Star. You already have. And I always will be…”
“Are these ponies serious,,?”
I look back at the judges, their silent judging stares boring into me. I look back at my Mom, who gives me an encouraging smile, but even she looks unsure.
Which is understandable as it seems my entrance exam is to hatch a freaking dragon egg. I look over the egg, it's a reddish grey and covered in dark red spots. I take a deep breath. Okay North, think. What do eggs need?
“Heat…”
My horn lights, enveloping the egg in my aura. I focus, a relatively simple spell of raising the temperature, but I have to keep focused to keep it from spreading past the egg, and potentially catching the cart it’s on ablaze.
It takes a great deal of focus, but I’m able to do it, sweat dripping from my brow. The egg is surrounded by a soft red heat, but nothing is changing. Oh come on smart guy, what are you missing? I think back as far as I can, what was it that pegasus filly said in her class report about chickens?
“The baby chicks won’t come out of their shells unless they get plenty of heat, and love.”
Love…
I look over the egg, gently lowering it from the cart and to my level. I step towards it, feeling the heat radiating off it.
“I really hope this works…” I mutter to myself. I lean in, placing a kiss on the top of the egg, where it’s coolest. “Come on, come out and see the world.” I encourage it, setting it back on the cart and dispelling my magic. I step back, the room thick with suspense.
At first, nothing happens, the entire room is silent. But then…
CRACK
My eyes go wide. A pale red tail breaks through the shell. It falls apart, revealing a pale red dragon with crimson spines. She looks up at me, blinking her pink eyes, letting out a happy trill.
“I did it… I DID IT!” I yell, jumping in place. My Mom scoops me into a hug and the judges applaud me, but suddenly go quiet when a new voice speaks up.
“My my, I never thought I’d see that again.” I look up in confusion, seeing a towering white alicorn standing next to me.
“P-Princess Celestia?” I ask in disbelief.
She looks at me, giving me a smile. “It seems my little ponies are just full of surprises.” She looks at my Mom. “You must be very proud Dr. Heart Rate.”
Mom smiles, ruffling my mane. “More than you could know Princess. He’s worked so hard, ever since he could first use his magic.”
“Is that so?” The Princess crouches down, so she can speak to me. “To get a special talent in magic, you must be very strong. Tell me North Star, what do you want to do with your magic.”
I think for a moment, looking up at Mom. She gives me a loving smile. I look back to the Princess, a determined smile on my face. “My Mom is a doctor, she spends all day helping ponies feel better. And my Dad joined the guard to keep ponies safe. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be just like them! I want to use my magic to help everypony I can, and be the best Hero in Equestria!”
Celestia smiles. “That’s a very admirable goal for a colt, you must be very brave if you wish to accomplish it.”
“I’m super brave!” I grin up at her. “Nothing scares me!”
“Well in that case,” she stands up. “North Star, I’d like to offer you the position of my second personal student here at the school.”
“Wha-!” I gasp out. “A-Are you sure?”
“Of course. The exam is merely a test of will. So long as a student does their best to hatch the egg, they pass. Only one other student has ever actually gotten it to hatch.” She explains, looking at the baby dragon as it hops onto my back. “The fact that you managed to do it, speaks not only of your capabilities, but also your determination. As my student, you’ll receive the best teaching I can provide you, but I’ll also expect the best in return.”
I look at the baby dragon sleeping on my back, and to my Mom. She nuzzles the side of my face, encouraging me.
I turn to the Princess, a confident smirk on my face. “I won’t let you down Princess. You can count on that.”
I have never been too fond of openings like these, especially the whole meta angle of the character talking about how a story is structured in the first few lines. However, that is not a criticism of your writing as much as my intuition not liking them. These sorts of openings can be done well, I just personally am not too fond of them.
You start with the third-person POV...
...and then change to first-person POV. Try and keep it consistent from beginning and end. I am guilty of changing perspectives myself in one of my older stories, but it should only be done for positive narrative effect such as when you want to convey a specific thing only a certain POV allows. For example, let us say you are writing a murder mystery and you want to tell a chapter from the POV of the deranged killer. Using a first-person perspective for this lone chapter, really immersing us in the killer's twisted mind, would be an example of using perspective changes to your advantage.
You should have a punctuation mark at the end of the action, not a comma. You should also use 'toward', not 'towards' in this instance. So it should be: I thrust the scroll towards her with my magic. "It came! Look!"
While this might be nitpicky I suggest you change it from "in three days' time" to "[insert date here]". If he lived in Canterlot then I imagine they could give him specific information like how many days are left until the ceremony. But seeing as he lives outside of Canterlot and the mail might take time for various reasons wouldn't it make more sense to write a date rather than however many days were left at the moment the letter was penned?
These things do not look as good as the built-in divider. Either press the line in the editing tool when writing or type "[ hr]".
Now onto my overall thoughts on this first chapter. I don't think it is terrible. It has a bit of a generic feeling to it and the fact North Star has the exact same test as Twilight and succeeds it feels a bit contrived. But I am willing to accept it since it seems you've established that every student at this school must pass this test, or rather try their best to. I do find it odd they have an entrance exam that only two students have ever passed, but I suppose its purpose is finding those with exceptional talent in magic.
Now onto North Star being taken on as the second personal student of Princess Celestia. I don't like it. Or rather I think it is a wasted opportunity. From the short-description of your story, you seem to hint at North Star having to fight discrimination in this mare-dominated world. Why not introduce this main aspect of your story in the first chapter? Have North Star be aware of what happened last time someone succeeded in this test and then have Celestia not pick him despite this. There would of course be numerous reasons as to why she wouldn't want or couldn't have several personal students at once while simultaneously ruling a queendom. But if you show North Star succeeding at the same thing as Twilight but not receiving the same praise or benefits you can already make the core conflict known. North Star will have to fight and study even harder than Twilight Sparkle if he wants to prove himself in this world.
That is of course just one idea of how you could change up the ending. But I hope you'll give it some consideration if nothing else. I hope you'll have a good day and that you'll post more chapters. I am giving a like to your story so you'll be motivated to come back to it, despite my many criticisms and tips being the first comments you get.
11700080
I appreciate your feedback! I'll put all this into consideration as I go forward with this. And I would like to thank you for giving me the divider command, I couldn't find info on that anywhere! I'll definitely be using that in the future. And don't worry, the RGRE elements are just starting light, more is coming soon!
11700133
There's no need to thank me. Just remember for the future to use the correct divider or one that looks just as good. And I recommend you edit your published chapter and maybe have someone else read through it as well. One thing I highly recommend is reading your paragraphs out loud. That will help you immensely with editing as you'll be able to hear when something sounds wrong.
Back? Back from what?
MC was clever to achieve what he did. However, I can’t help but wonder where the hay Celestia’s getting these eggs. One was mysterious enough. Now she’s definitely got some source if there’s multiples… or maybe she just got that original carton of a dozen and she’s just got the rest in her cooler.