• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 23rd, 2013

Derpsanddinks404


Just your average writer. 14, freshman, and about two months being a brony. I absolutely HATE shipping, excluding the occasional Fluttermac or OC.

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Darkwing hasn't felt happiness since the very day his parents died. Never knowing how they died or why, he'd been on his own for as long as he can remember, constantly wanting to end his life and trying to ease his pain through cutting himself. What happens, though, when an unexpected yellow mare catches him about to jump for good and talks him out of it, saving his life... And perhaps even hers? Will they change each other for the better, or was this a total mistake from the start?

Author's note: This is my first fic, and I've been trying my hardest, but constructive criticism is very much welcomed! But please, don't be a jerk or troll. And no, there will not be any clopping. This is rated teen for references to heavy depression and personal cutting.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 18 )

Emo ponies and Fluttershy is a combination that's nearly universally reviled. This one does show promise though. No obvious spelling errors and decently paced for a short chapter. Tread lightly, but good so far.

I'll give it a shot. Continue.

Wow. I was expecting this to be yet another wall of text filled with heaps after heaps of grammar-related errors.

But you proved me wrong. This was enjoyable, a great start, well worth reading.

One simple thing. Pegasus, not pegasis. You got the pegasi (plural) right, though. I think.

Even though I'm not such a huge fan of OC stories, I think yours is worth a good ol' thumbs-up.

And I'm not sure what program(s) you use to write, but I'd recommend of at least trying a grammar-checker of some kind. They always come in handy. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But some day.

Darkwing hasn't felt happiness since the very day his parents died. Never knowing how they died or why, he'd been on his own for as long as he can remember, constantly wanting to end his life and trying to ease his pain through cutting himself. What happens, though, when an unexpected yellow mare catches him about to jump for good and talks him out of it, saving his life... And perhaps even hers? Will they change each other for the better, or was this a total mistake from the start?

All right, let's start from the beginning.

Darkwing

Whoa, slow down fella. Any pony name that has words associated with "dark" or "blade" or "blood" or whatever in it are generally looked down upon in the fandom, as they usually hint towards a Mary-Sue. Also such names are generally not very fitting in the bright, happy MLP fandom.

hasn't felt happiness since the very day his parents died

Again, slow down a bit. This is another overused cliché that runs rampant across this site and quite frankly it stops making an impact after being repeated so many times.

constantly wanting to end his life and trying to ease his pain through cutting himself

This is the third cliché in this story and a very malplaced one. Let's face it, how many depressed ponies exist on the show? Exactly. This is another thing the fandom absolutely loathes at this point.

unexpected yellow mare

Okay, so it's a Fluttershy/OC fic. Guess what, the fandom dislikes OC/Mane 6 stories too.

And that was just the introduction.

Now to the story:

The black pegasis put his red boots back on, hiding his newborn scar so as not to stand out. He always wore the boots, along with a black raincoat

First of all, ponies rarely even wear clothes. Secondly, black and red on your OC are another Mary-Sue warning bell and should be avoided at all costs.

He figured it only proves how cruel the world is.

And yet another cliché point for hating everything...

semi-abusive aunt

...And another one.

Your grammar is good, and I'm sure you tried your best... But god damn it son, you just nailed every cliché and Mary-Sue mark that exists on this site, with the exception of your OC being an Alicorn and having red stripes. Try looking around on this site for popular stories with well-made OCs and examine how they built them up. Until then, I can't guarantee you many green thumbs.

Thanks for the comments! I may not be good at this (I am ntot really a romance guy, and I'm also only 14), but I'll try my best and try to get the chapters flowing. But I DO have school and other things, so I'd check back maybe every other day.

1331602 Sorry to hear that. I'm usually one for the darker type stories, and I kinda thought it'd be good to incorporate my own character instead of an existing one. I may quit this down the line.

uumm...do you know darkwing? by any chance?

1332231 is he a real person or character? I just came up with the name...

1333052 he wrote my little caboose, blue is magic
soo yeah, he IS real

Oh man, a Darkwing Duck crossover!

Darkwing slid the blade against his left foreleg, hoping this time the emotional pain would lose to the physical pain.

Ugh... maybe not...

black pegasis put his red boots

Oh look, it's the two most used colors in existence... or at least for OCs...

black raincoat, because both seemed like the thing any rain pegasi would wear.

Wait, what other weather Pegasus wears that stuff?

Cutie mark, he thought, What a stupid thing to call a tear drop.

Oh lawdy, I can't wait to hear the reason why it's a tear drop. Seriously, aren't they supposed to be about defining point in a pony's life that showed them the good in life or their use?

Oh, you might notice there's not much to review yet. Well, that's because the story's actually written well so far. But just because a story is written well doesn't mean it has to be good. Let's continue shall we?

He figured it only proves how cruel the world is.

Actually, I'm petty sure Equestria is supposed to be loving. You're making this seem more like a normal sob story than a My Little Pony fic. Just by making the characters ponies and setting in the world of FIM doesn't make it a fanfiction. It has to have that feeling, or soul, of MLP:FIM

Not to many ponies

Should be "Not too many ponies"

What they'll never know is Darkwing has a sad past. When he was just a colt, his parents went out with him on a little vacation to Manehatten. No one has ever fully told Darkwing what happened to his parents; all that his semi-abusive aunt would tell him was that "it was just an accident," and to, "never speak of it". She then would insult out of anger until he cried and ran to his room. He suspected they were killed by a mugger, lIke Batstallion.

Well, judging from how he looks I'd say they would suspect something.

While I guess that it's not as bad as some sob stories out there, the abusive relative thing is old. But really, don't feel bad, I mean it's real old. Like I can name a few classic stories that all have that stuff. It seems kind of rushed and not that sad though. At least not for the extent of how depressed he is. I'm just going to say you're blowing it up.

Also, what's going on with that "lIke" there?

Starving yourself is a horribly painful way to die

Says the person that cuts himself.

Hell, a sibling rivalry would be the lottery to him.

I don't know why, but I like that sentence...

the tallest bridge in Equestria, located just outside of Ponyville.

Which is mentioned where in the series? Let me go google it...

..yep, never mentioned.

Now, Darkwing has from time to time jumped from tall buildings, and ended up chickening out and flying each time

Why would he have to jump off of something? Couldn't he just fly up and free fall to Splatsville?

"Do it. Do it, coward!"

Holy shit, didn't he just try to convince himself life was worth living?

"Go away!" he yelled at the unknown mare. "This doesn't concern you! I want to be by myself in my final seconds."

The mare stopped about twenty yards away and said,"Final seconds? Oh my! You're not going to jump, are you?"

Umm, I feel as if Fluttershy is somewhat out of character. I'm sure if someone yelled at her she would be more upset than just saying "Oh my".

the pegasis

Pegasus.

He'd never been this close to the opposite non-related gender. It was... nice, like he was supposed to be there at that very moment. "D-Darkwing." he responded softly. "My name's Darkwing."

Oh my... That's... just pathetic... And what do you mean by close? Emotionally or physically? I can understand the emotional part, but not the physical.

Also, why is he all of a sudden not angry? What did Fluttershy do?

And at that moment, Darkwing knew that he'd someday repay that pink-maned pegasis for saving his life.

Once again, what did she do?

All in all, it's not horribly written, but the premise is done to death and the character is stale as a thirty year old fuck.

Love, Madcat

Sorry I've been gone! My Internet was down, but I'm back. Sorry some of you don't like this story, I'm not one for romance. This was just something random from the top of my head, and is mostly just a practice.

Is the OC a duck? :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

1350276 nope, a Pegasus I made up. Never knew one existed.
:twilightblush:

1350544
Nahh its okay just my throwing bad puns out there.

Seems like it could have promise just needs a bit longer chapters.

Just my personal apenion.

I'm going to take a break from this and gather some ideas. On the bright side, I'm probably going to right other stories in between. It'll be a lot to juggle, but my mind is so full of ideas it might explode!:derpyderp2::derpyderp1::rainbowwild:

Quitting this. Maybe I'll return to it later though.

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