• Member Since 8th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

Jayelms43


T

My life was boring and I thought it was going to be just that until I got a message from the power lottery and now I in Equestria but it's alot different from the show.

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 25 )

Sounds great so far, can't wait for the next chapter.

first, pacing is way too fast. You went from lvl 2-50 which is insanity, like the whole appeal of "the gamer" powers is a slow burn growth over time with large pay offs. Second, your character had basically no reaction besides "huh, that's neat." to being ripped from his old life. This is not normal or believable. You don't need a huge section dedicated to it, but past the dream check, a brief bout of doubt about the situation being real woulda been nice. The demon bear could also have been used as a tool to interrupt said panic thoughts to effectively skip the problem in a far more believable manner. then there's the specification about heights which I have no idea why they were mentioned. Size only really need to be relative unless you're doing some brainiac centric fic (which this obviously ain't since the MC ate demon meat). The concept of an isekai into "gamer powers" is a very common set up for stories. However, to make one stand out it has to do something well. Realistic characters, an advanced interesting game system, a complex set of story pieces, or just plain out interesting premises for each chapter. So far you've established the MC as an idiot (which isn't all that bad), that he's pretty strong, that he looks like Goku (for whatever reason), and that he has powers that can get stronger as he progresses. However, the idiot thing also extended into a lack of reaction to extremely strenuous circumstances, his powers progressed way too fast, there was no reason for the enemies he fought for being there (other than 'MC needs punching bag'), so it's hard to get attached to the guy.

In short this is a blatant generic Gary Stu power fantasy and you're unlikely to get much of a viewership if you keep it as one.

I don't intend this as a call for you to quit writing though, I had the exact same issues with my first fic. I am suggesting that you try to rewrite these two chapters, get some editors (or just some random ppl to look your stuff over), and think about whether or not your characters would act as they do before you write a scene.

good luck fellow author, may creativity and forethought guide you.

This is a good fanfiction so far, plus the eating monster meat and gaining a lot of LV. and Stats reminds me of the Anime arifureta from commonplace to world' strongest.

11228137
That's the problem of most displaced fic though :facehoof:. Plus he is lazy at hell while changing POV repeatedly and using pictures that not match with the description.

11228137
Okay I get where you are coming from.
But I write it as if some random shit happened then the MC would just say 'okay then '.

Also I want to described more about his family life and why he didn't hesitate in participating in the power Lottery. I want to wait until chapter three or four to tell how his relationship with his father or mother maybe both is.

11228518
Just a loser I guess. Telling his past life doesn't help your character get out of 'Mary Sue' title :unsuresweetie:

11228620
Well that's only your opinion nobody else is so you don't like it oh well then cuz it's going to stay

11228623
Nah. Everyone will agree what I said. Bet that you don't know what 'Mary Sue' is, right?

11228627
Don't care so if you please f*** off

11228629
Then answer that question right and I will go out.

11228634
😡
FUCKING LEAVE NO ONE CARES
THE ONLY THING THEY CARE ABOUT IS HOW IT IS WRITTEN NOT TOLD.

AND AS FOR FOR YOUR FUCKING ANSWER YES I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

SO FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA SUN AND LUNA MOON IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN DON'T READ IT.

Comment posted by Dragon Shimmer deleted May 1st, 2022
Comment posted by Crack-Fic Casey deleted May 1st, 2022

Not bad. I feel like there's somethings off about it, but that's just how some or most stories are. I think it's an interesting and fun story to read so far and I'm curious about what'll happen next.

Dude I personally like this please don't stop making more

if anyone is wondering the mark of Cain works via a berserker amp increasing aggression and anger along with power

Comment posted by Okamiluver deleted Nov 6th, 2023

Question which Monster Hunter game is based on is based on the rider one story or a different game?

Huh, deleted my comment. Was genuinely trying to give positive criticism but if that's how you are. So be it, still kinda petty and childish though.

More good love it nice

What's with the re-uploaded chapters?

11748048
Wait what no I had to redo the whole thing because there was one chapter before the others so I had to delete the others then put them back sorry if it caused your comment to get deleted 😔 😅

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