Chapter 2
Chapter two
(Third person pov)
HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED!!!!" said a being who was 18 feet tall and his wingspan 12 feet wide. And wearing black pants and his skin was dark tanned. He also had horns that were curled back with his hair being dark black.
There standing were three humanized dragons, two males and one female. They were wearing armor that was silver and gold and two had a spear and one had a sword. And they were shaking in fear from their king.
"W-we D-don't know lord torch. The summoning was going well but then it just didn't work. One of the summoner said he is here but in Equestria territory more specifically in the everfree forest next to Ponyville, " one of the guard dragon explain while praying that he doesn't get sent to death.
Torch sat on his stone throne rubbing his head in frustration and tiredness. He been trying to summon a warrior that not only will be a suitable mate for his daughter. But also he will be the strongest dragon in centuries.
"Fine then, send a letter to princess Celestia and Luna that me and my daughter will be there within 4 days from now," torch ordered while the guard went to carry-out said orders.
Just then his daughter came in. She was 6'5 and she had lightly tanned skin. She had blue dragon wings and her hair was blue as well. And she was wearing gold armor and was not happy.
(This is the only picture that best describes how Ember looks)
"FATHER WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS" Ember yelled while storming over to her father.
Torch just sighed before saying. "Ember listen, I did this for both you and this kingdom," torch tried to explain but ember was not having it.
"No, not this time father. You have gone too far with this one, not only did you try to summon something that could have killed us, but you want me to marry him as well," she said seething with rage.
"Ember I-" Torch was about to say before Ember continued.
"NO!!, you have tried to have the entire kingdom of Male dragons to be my life mate but none of them were worthy, so now you went and-" Ember didn't get to finish before torch slammed his fist on his arm rest before yelling.
"EMBER BLUE FLAMES, YOU WILL DO AS I SAID. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!!" Torch roared while flames were coming out of his mouth.
(Note: I don't know if this is her full name so this is what I believe her full name would be)
Ember's eyes showed anger but she hung her head in defeat before saying. "Yes father," she said while walking away getting ready to go to Canterlot castle.
Torch stood there for a moment before sighing and said. "I'm sorry ember but this is for the best," he said while looking out to the wasteland of the dragon kingdom.
(Canterlot castle)
In the capital of Canterlot castle. Sitting on their throne was Celestia and Luna.
Celestia was 6'3 and was wearing a white Roman-style dress with golden accents. And had on a golden necklace and tiara with a purple gem in the center. Her skin was lightly tanned with 12 feet snow white wings and had a 7 inch horn.
While sitting next to her was Luna who was 6'1. Her skin was dark brown while wearing a dark blue Roman-style dress with silver accents. She also had a silver necklace and tiara with a blue gem in the center. Her wings are 11 feet long and her horn is 6 inch.
Just then a burst of green fire and a letter appeared in front of Celestia. She then opened the letter and start to read it and slowly start to get more and more worried before saying.
"Luna, dragon lord torch and princess ember are going to be here within 4 days from now. Saying one of their dragons are in the everfree forest next to Ponyville," Celestia said with worried and confusion.
"What do you believe we should do sister?" Luna asked equally worried and confusion as well.
Celestia horn glow for a moment before a parchment and quill as well as an ink bottle appears and started to write a letter to someone.
"I'm going to write a letter to Twilight Sparkle to look for this dragon and to send me a letter as soon as possible, " Celestia said while sending said letter.
(James pov)
I stared at the literal darkness from supernatural and she didn't look angry or aggravated but with confusion and hope.
"Uuuhhhh, Hi my name is James Williams and I just somehow appeared after touching a stone door that had the same mark that's on your right upper chest," I said while pointing at said mark.
Amara stared at the mark before going wide-eyed and hugged me while having tears in her eyes.
"You finally came to free me," she said while crying. I was confused but I hesitantly hugged her back while stroking her hair to calm her down.
After a minute or two she calmed down and then said. "Sorry about that, let me explain. You see I was sealed within this void by my brother and the only way out is for someone to find my door and become the new bearer of the mark. With this I can leave this void but his or her life-force will be tied to my forever," she finished explaining, leaving me confused and baffled.
"Okay so how do I free you," I said while around the void.
That's when I saw Amara blush and I started to fear the answer. "Well, for that to happen I need to place the mark on you," she said but she then said the next part that made me blush as well.
"And for me to do so I have to K-kiss you," Amara said while looking away.
My head felt light headed for a moment before shaking it and said. "Okay let's do this," I said, surprising her. "Look if this is the only way to free you then let's do it," I said trying to convince myself more than Amara.
She stood there for a moment before jumping into my arms and kissed me on the lips. It left me surprised but I slowly fell into the kiss, her lips were soft and tasted surprisingly like pineapple.
After a moment we finally broke the kiss with heavy blush on our face while staring into each other's eyes. "Woah that was," I started before Amara finished.
"Amazing," she said with a small smile before looking at my right arm and seeing something. "And it seems it worked James," Amara said while pointing at my arm.
I looked down and sure enough the mark of cain was on my right arm glowing a soft red.
After a moment of being in that cavern and standing in the entrance of said cavern. Me and Amara stood there looking at the setting Sun before I turned to her and said.
"So ready to see what this world has to offer," I said while holding out my hand in which she took my outstretched hand and we walked into the forest below to start our new life.
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........
Sounds great so far, can't wait for the next chapter.
first, pacing is way too fast. You went from lvl 2-50 which is insanity, like the whole appeal of "the gamer" powers is a slow burn growth over time with large pay offs. Second, your character had basically no reaction besides "huh, that's neat." to being ripped from his old life. This is not normal or believable. You don't need a huge section dedicated to it, but past the dream check, a brief bout of doubt about the situation being real woulda been nice. The demon bear could also have been used as a tool to interrupt said panic thoughts to effectively skip the problem in a far more believable manner. then there's the specification about heights which I have no idea why they were mentioned. Size only really need to be relative unless you're doing some brainiac centric fic (which this obviously ain't since the MC ate demon meat). The concept of an isekai into "gamer powers" is a very common set up for stories. However, to make one stand out it has to do something well. Realistic characters, an advanced interesting game system, a complex set of story pieces, or just plain out interesting premises for each chapter. So far you've established the MC as an idiot (which isn't all that bad), that he's pretty strong, that he looks like Goku (for whatever reason), and that he has powers that can get stronger as he progresses. However, the idiot thing also extended into a lack of reaction to extremely strenuous circumstances, his powers progressed way too fast, there was no reason for the enemies he fought for being there (other than 'MC needs punching bag'), so it's hard to get attached to the guy.
In short this is a blatant generic Gary Stu power fantasy and you're unlikely to get much of a viewership if you keep it as one.
I don't intend this as a call for you to quit writing though, I had the exact same issues with my first fic. I am suggesting that you try to rewrite these two chapters, get some editors (or just some random ppl to look your stuff over), and think about whether or not your characters would act as they do before you write a scene.
good luck fellow author, may creativity and forethought guide you.
This is a good fanfiction so far, plus the eating monster meat and gaining a lot of LV. and Stats reminds me of the Anime arifureta from commonplace to world' strongest.
11228137
. Plus he is lazy at hell while changing POV repeatedly and using pictures that not match with the description.
That's the problem of most displaced fic though
11228137
Okay I get where you are coming from.
But I write it as if some random shit happened then the MC would just say 'okay then '.
Also I want to described more about his family life and why he didn't hesitate in participating in the power Lottery. I want to wait until chapter three or four to tell how his relationship with his father or mother maybe both is.
11228518
Just a loser I guess. Telling his past life doesn't help your character get out of 'Mary Sue' title
11228620
Well that's only your opinion nobody else is so you don't like it oh well then cuz it's going to stay
11228623
Nah. Everyone will agree what I said. Bet that you don't know what 'Mary Sue' is, right?
11228627
Don't care so if you please f*** off
11228629
Then answer that question right and I will go out.
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😡
FUCKING LEAVE NO ONE CARES
THE ONLY THING THEY CARE ABOUT IS HOW IT IS WRITTEN NOT TOLD.
AND AS FOR FOR YOUR FUCKING ANSWER YES I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
SO FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA SUN AND LUNA MOON IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN DON'T READ IT.
Not bad. I feel like there's somethings off about it, but that's just how some or most stories are. I think it's an interesting and fun story to read so far and I'm curious about what'll happen next.