• Member Since 8th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Jayelms43


T

The name is marquis Smith and I'm the evo hero of Equestria, and this is my story on how I came to Equestria and help the Equestrian fight the caribou.

Also did I mention that I died and I meet god who sent me there.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 21 )

I love that show. I was thinking about doing something similar but put him in Equestrian girls universe

You still can it's just my is dealing with the caribou

Have you considered trying to use narrative devices to make the point of view obvious instead of announcing it?

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Jayelms43 my dude... please listen to this ‘man’.

:trixieshiftright: There’s potential here (it’s a decent concept for a story one that I haven’t seen before), but please stop telling the audience everything so directly.

That and you should probably get an editor or an editing software like ‘Grammarly’ because there are... (takes a breath) a (quote unquote) :twilightangry2:’FEW’:twilightangry2: grammatical errors here and there.
Mainly small things like not having Capitalised Word at the start of your sentences (or sometimes when someone’s speaking), with the main culprit’s being whenever someone’s talking or thinking about something.

However if there’s one thing I highly recommend you do, it’s read the “Writing Guide” (which can be found there or here), which can also be found in the ‘Help’ tab at the top of your screen.
Or (if your using mobile) it’s the third last tab on the pop out on the left side of your screen. I would recommend using it as a guideline of sorts when it comes to writing.

So only minor errors so far, good job! :twilightsmile:

You should have asked about the five nanites that basically made Generator Rex a God but it's your story

But what mark and the Equestrian didn't know that the three generals had the same power as mark did, but what the 3 generals didn't know that mark can cure eve's as well.

werent they called evo's?

Comment posted by god who fallen deleted April 14th

Dude you ruined the surprise, but yes it's Van Kleiss.

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not realy a supprise since there are only 2 villens in the show that can be genuinly be terrifying and those being Van Kleiss and Zag RS.

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You cannot start the story all saying round 2 without a round 1 and makes no sense

That's because the first chapter was round 1

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Okay I just went through chapter one again and I did not see him threatening King Dane like not at all. So in chapter 3 when he said he threatened King Dane when did that happen?

I want mean by the threat is the he destroyed his army that was the threat

I'm honestly enjoying this I really hope it is still continuing :pinkiehappy:

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