Ten Things That Keep Bulk Biceps Up At Night

by Boopy Doopy

Of Ponies And Protein Bars

#1: Protein Bars

Let’s be honest: ponies only eat them because they’re trendy. “Oh, look at me! I’m eating a protein bar! I’m so in shape!” And for that matter, protein shakes, too. If you're a health nut like I am, you’d be getting your protein from natural sources, like eggs, fish, nuts, and legumes. Sure, a protein bar every once in a while is nice, especially on the go, but most of them taste gross, are super expensive, and are not something that should be substituting actual FOOD.

#2: The Horror That Is Existence

Why are we here? Why am I a pony who exists? It makes more sense for me to not exist, and yet here I am. What’s our purpose? To follow our cutie marks? To what end does that take us? What’s gonna happen after we die? Nothing? Something? Will I become some super strange tentacle monster? Is something bad gonna happen? Will I just be plunged into eternal darkness and oblivion for the rest of infinity? I don’t know! Why can’t we find out before the end? I can’t properly prepare for something I don’t know, and it’s one of the scariest things I don’t know. Twilight Sparkle should get on that with as smart as she is.

#3: Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash is FREAKY. She says things like “I’m twenty percent cooler than everypony”. Really? You’re twenty percent cooler than everypony? Everypony in ALL OF EQUESTRIA? How do you calculate something like that? Where’s your research? Was is peer reviewed? Cause I’d sure like to have a look at it. When I asked her about it, her response was “I just know, trust me”. Can she read MINDS? Is that how she gets her data? With how intense she is about being positive that she’s twenty percent cooler than everypony else, I think she might be able to. I hope she’s not reading my mind right now…

#4: Applejack

Honestly, Applejack is kind of scary. For as boring and honest a pony as she is, she’s definitely keeping some secrets. Like, how does she stay in shape? Sure, she works out when she bucks her apples, but her diet is awful. It’s nothing but apples from what I’ve seen. Nothing. But. Apples. You can’t make the kind of gains she is without a widely varied diet, which hers is not. Not only is it all apples, a lot of it is packed with sugar. We’re talking apple pies and tarts and crisps and fritters and other things that are either deep fried, sugary, or both. She’s obviously lying about SOMETHING. They might be the best apples in all of Equestria (and believe me, I know they are with how good they taste), but no apple can substitute or beat out a balanced diet.

#5: Tarantula Hawk Wasps

Let’s be honest, if I see that thing in real life, I’ll probably faint on the spot. If Celestia is truly all powerful, how could she let something so horrible exist in Equestria? It’s proof that she either isn’t as cracked up as everypony says she is or just doesn’t care about the common pony. There should be an extermination order for it.

#6: Domestic Terrorism That Pervades Equestria

Speaking of not being all powerful like everypony claims, there’s an awful lot of domestic terrorism in Equestria, especially in the last few years, ESPECIALLY here in Ponyville. Princess Celestia should be taking it more seriously than she is. Life insurance policies have gone up through the roof just because I live here! Almost fifty percent since Twilight built her castle out here, and even more so when she created that School of Friendship! And to be honest, it started when she moved out here. Nightmare Moon, Tirek, the Everfree Forest growing out of control, Cozy Glow, bug bear attacks– what’s next? And Celestia leaving it all in the hooves of six regular ponies? She really should be getting the Royal Guard stationed out here with how much happens in Ponyville lately.

#7: Ponies Who Aren’t In Shape

And I’m not talking about just fat ponies, either. Being extremely thin can be just as bad, if not worse in some cases. But mostly, it’s normal ponies who COULD be working out but are choosing not to. They walk around and talk and eat at Sugarcube Corner and do nothing to make their lives healthier. Even just a regular run once a week would be better than nothing. Get the heart pumping! I just know half the ponies in Ponyville are gonna have gout or diabetes or heart disease or some other preventable condition because they didn’t take time to enrich their lives with exercise and healthy eating. I should probably be doing more to try and help them.

#8: Gummy

Who KNOWS what he’s thinking? What thoughts go through his head? Is he planning world domination? I’ve talked to him before, and he won’t let out his secrets. He just stares silently ahead with a thousand yard stare, like he’s reliving something horrible. I hope everything's okay with him.

#9: Old Age

I’m scared of being old. Not because I’ll get frail– I’m gonna be in shape until I’m as old as Granny Smith. I’m worried about my mind! Things like dementia or Alzheimer's or Parkinson’s. It runs in my family! I try to keep my mind fit and active like I do my body, but can I keep it active enough to avoid getting those things? I can only hope. I want to be able to remember who my friends are.

#10: Peeps

Peeps are probably the thing that keeps me awake at night the most. They’re fluffy, yellow, cute sugar coated marshmallows that taste great and are awful for you. I have to keep myself from buying them because I know if I do, I’m just gonna chomp through ten boxes all at once and feel bad about myself for a month. They’re so addictingly good.

Comments

[Skittlebug]

I’m scared of being old. Not because I’ll get frail– I’m gonna be in shape until I’m as old as Granny Smith. I’m worried about my mind! Things like dementia or Alzheimer's or Parkinson’s. It runs in my family! I try to keep my mind fit and active like I do my body, but can I keep it active enough to avoid getting those things? I can only hope. I want to be able to remember who my friends are.

Yea...that's me. That's probably the worst way to go, to slowly lose who you are until you forget how to eat, forget how to breathe.

And there's a family history of both for me.

[Orderly Disassembly]

Things that are gonna keep me up tonight.

1. why does Bulk Biceps have such an active mind?

2. Why is Bulk Biceps more observant than me?

3. Why is Bulk Biceps this intelligent?

4. Apparently ponies feel existential dread to, GREAT!

5. the fact that I actually posted a comment on someone's story for once.

[FrostyPony17]

Hit it spot on for all of these, especially the Peeps. You could probably keep going with other ponies both background and main, I'd certainly read it!

[overdue]

Dear liberals,

Rainbow Dash is FREAKY. She says things like “I’m twenty percent cooler than everypony”. Really? You’re twenty percent cooler than everypony? Everypony in ALL OF EQUESTRIA? How do you calculate something like that? Where’s your research? Was is peer reviewed?

Sincerely, Ben Shapiro
_{^{(Turning Point USA)}}

[FanOfMostEverything]

There are few things more terrifying in Ponyville than actually paying attention to the world around you. No wonder Bulk stays up at night. (Also, Applejack's talent may include the ability to live off of nothing but apples and apple products... which just raises more questions.) Most entertaining glimpse into the inner life of a kind, lovable soul stuck in a living hell nopony else seems to recognize. Thank you for it.

[Bicyclette]

Sure, a protein bar every once in a while is nice, especially on the go, but most of them taste gross, are super expensive, and are not something that should be substituting actual FOOD.

so true bestie

#2: The Horror That Is Existence

wow, this escalated quickly! and same

With how intense she is about being positive that she’s twenty percent cooler than everypony else, I think she might be able to. I hope she’s not reading my mind right now…

dang, Bulk! you can't be taking Rainbows literally like that!

Honestly, Applejack is kind of scary. For as boring and honest a pony as she is, she’s definitely keeping some secrets.

honestly, same. also, it's fun to start the Applejack paragraph with "honestly".

It’s nothing but apples from what I’ve seen. Nothing. But. Apples. You can’t make the kind of gains she is without a widely varied diet, which hers is not.

this is true, but i chalk it up to ponies being magic and weird

They might be the best apples in all of Equestria (and believe me, I know they are with how good they taste), but no apple can substitute or beat out a balanced diet.

idk, maybe they're magical, nutritionally complete, macronutrient-balanced apples? with how the Apples talk them up that is what i would expect!

If Celestia is truly all powerful, how could she let something so horrible exist in Equestria?

hehe, i always love replacing "God" with "Celestia" in common human phrases. really makes you think!

It’s proof that she either isn’t as cracked up as everypony says she is or just doesn’t care about the common pony.

aww, those two are the usual ways writers solve the whole Celestia being so aloof thing

She really should be getting the Royal Guard stationed out here with how much happens in Ponyville lately.

i mean, given how they haven't been very helpful in all the past crises, it seems like what she's doing now is working! but yes, that is a disturbing amount of domestic terrorism when one sits down and counts it out like that

I just know half the ponies in Ponyville are gonna have gout or diabetes or heart disease or some other preventable condition because they didn’t take time to enrich their lives with exercise and healthy eating.

aww yeah, but i figure if Pinkie isn't diabetic at this point then who knows what pony diets have to do with anything

He just stares silently ahead with a thousand yard stare, like he’s reliving something horrible. I hope everything's okay with him.

aww, that is so sweet on Bulk's part! i wish that Gummy would give him some solace

I want to be able to remember who my friends are.

oof, yeah. this one is really scary to me, too, and i can't think of anyone who it wouldn't be scary to! it sucks

#10: Peeps

and of course, great way to stick the landing with something lighter that is all too #relatable! i am this way with shortbread cookies, there's just something about that combination of savory and sweet

---

Bulk Biceps in canon is an interesting mix of being both fitness-obsessed gym rat and a timid, anxious, and awkward mess of a pony. there is something charmingly straightforward about how he approaches all of these varyingly universal anxieties, and it is interesting to think that it is a result of him being a sane pony in a world that is very much not. interesting to think that the sight gag background pony would be the most #relatable in the end!

excellent stuff here, thank you for it!

[TheOneAJ]

[Okie Brony]

I got the honor of giving this story 👍 #50, which I had to do because Bulk actually likes Peeps. There's not much in this world that I hate more than people who don't like Peeps! Do you also hate puppies and kittens? Does a laughing baby throw you into a homicidal rage? Do you want to make Fluttershy cry!?!?

Thank you for writing a Bulk Biceps story without making him yell "YEAH!!!" or "P is for Ponyville!!"
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_07_2013/post-9228-0-10510200-1374690139.gif
"YEAHHHH!!! 'P' IS FOR PEEPS!!!!!"

I’m gonna be in shape until I’m as old as Granny Smith.

Then I'm gonna pile up on the couch, eat nothing but Peeps, drink nothing but Dr. Pony, and gain a thousand pounds!