Princess Luna wants to regain her sister's trust, but when Celestia begins to finally be honest with her, things start to change.
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Pinklestia
Joined 10th Jul, 2011 ·
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interesting, it has potential and I would like to see more
Good story so far, nice chapter length too. Keep up the good work!
Well, this one has been around for quite a while, but nevertheless it's a pretty interesting read. I genuinely liked several ideas put forward here. That said, I do feel there were waaaaay too many ideas for its length. Don't get me wrong, the overall length of the chapter is actually pretty good, but it's small compared to the amount of things that happen. This gives the reader little time to digest it all until it ends, as well as misses the opportunity to exploit a few of these points. I mean, I'd love to see a point showing a Pinkie spy, or some build-up to Celestia finally deciding to be frank and honest to her sister, or some more exploration on what Celestia actually did that stained her hooves in blood.. But well, you definitely still got the point across with what you did write. And I can't complain about how you developed Luna's fear of killing, for example. So, nice! Keep up the good work!
You have a typo in the story summary.
Also, it is kind of repetitive, using the word "start" twice in the same sentence; why not use "begin" the second time?
As for the story itself: I gotta admit that the characters' voices didn't really come through in this story much at all; even beyond character actions, their actual dialogue doesn't really sound like how the characters speak. Obviously Luna's voice being off is unsurprising; this is so old, it actually predates Luna Eclipsed. But Celestia doesn't really sound like herself at all; Celestia has a very mature voice in the show, being the Designated Adult, and even back in season 1 we had a good idea of her manner of speech. Her lines in this story don't sound like the lines she has in the show, or even like the sort of thing the same person would say.
Indeed, a great deal of the writing and dialogue sounds unnatural; you should try reading the lines out loud and listening to how they sound. It might help improve the flow of your writing.
I realize this is a very old story, and you've written a lot of stuff more recently, but I noticed you submitted this to Twilight's Library so I thought I'd throw in my two cents.
5224241
This story was written before Season Two. Celestia way of acting was based on the three episodes in Season One where we see her doing something Important. In season one, Celestia came being manipulative, and being a bit of a trickster and a troll, specially in the Gala episode. The way to portray her changed since Season Two, but this way of writing her was correct way back then. And if you feel That Celestia doesn't act like she does in the show, even if we just take Season One into account, that was deliberate, this is Celestia dealing with her sister, so of course she is gonna act different. Or Did Luna use the royal Canterot voice when she apologized to Celestia in the second episode of Season One?
And that line Celestia said "Oh, poor princess Celestia, she wants to take a much needed bath. Will Her Highness have to do it by herself?" That was based on the famous Tea scene in Season One. Royalty acts different in public than in does in private or when only servants are around.