• Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
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Pinklestia


T

Maggie Wilson (27), on a smoke break from her dead end convenience store job in the California mountains, encounters the divine god-princess of a dead world. The princess asks for her help. Mag says yes.

So how do you resurrect a dead world?

The original story can be found here: A New Sun

This rewrite is done with
Ragnar autorization as he is no longer writing the story.

Relevant blog post here: here

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 63 )

The name of the 1st chapter fits: (not read yet) From what I've read of all Conversations, and the fact that Ragnar no longer writes it to see it alive again is "Strange, unusual and too wonderful to be true "

ERRORS/SPOILERS(for people that didn't read the original ver)
Mag uncovered her eyes, why was such being so... she lacked words to describe it, She thought that you could 
Mag slapped herself, no she was not making sense and yes/yet ? she was awake.
Ah,” said Celestia. “Being honest is not bad but one has to be careful in the way you say things. And even then is just impossible to never offend anyone.”

Mostly copied (but that's supposed to be the same story [And it's the start] so yea), some stuff added, changed and spacing is different (In most places surely for better, though I've read through some stuff too fast)
It seems to have a bit more comedic touch, Mag seems a bit more blunt yet got more emotions (this balances nicely). Nothing can be said though yet it's the 1st chapter.
Waiting for more.

Sincerely a person that should do other stuff.

Is the part about the butterfly effect a connection to how the story will be different beacuse of Mag having a slightly different personality ?
Is her magic signature (if she gets magic) going to be different ?

Interesting. Looking forward to this! The original was an excellent beginning.

8559159
Is a reference to why normal people can't see Celestia.
8559185
Thanks.
8559239
[spoilers]Spoilers
8560215
Thanks for the comment.
8560263
Yeah.

Well, lets see where you take things. Personally I am hoping for something MORE here.

This Mag is truly much different. And so are the rules. But the starting point of everything seems the same so far.

"Well, I guess there's, uh, my house?" Come to think of it, she couldn't imagine that either. Well actually she could; but it involved her being five and a tea party. Since she had not been five for thirty-two years, at least she could offer some tea.

I was wondering why you made Mag so much older. She was 26 in the original. In the next two chapters she still sounds like a Millenial then a Gen X'er, so I ponder.

8563685
I will try.
8565127
Unless I changed the crossroad to not be the lake, of course the start was gonna be similar.
8565754
Fixed, she is supposed to be twenty seven.

And honesty Mag references do sound like she was in her thirties anyway, must be the age the original started.

Many typos
you should really get rid of them ex:
Skies and scars instead of Skies and stars as it should be... those two words are so different it's disorienting.

Also I think there is a contradiction here but it's so simple my brain just says it's rude to point out:
Celestia was very very very sociable and that kind of people didn't deal well with being around people for a long time. So Mag would have to share HER unicorn, dammit.

Well no it didn't really suck but only because I had it with you. And because I worry about you."

Where is my english notebook ? I had some baisics reminded today. I should have written in more detail...
" But if it have her a unicorn, she didn't really mind."
But if it let her have a unicorn,

Get your typos away pleease. (yes I'm used to rereading a previous chapter to warm up) This is getting a bit too much though. The story holds great but the errors disrupt the flow of imagination.

Am I seeing less errors ? No. I'm just too lazy to search for the typos after reading it.
Celestia rested a hoof on her cheek. “My word.” She said it with no irony at all. Then sticked her tongue out and licked Mag face.

i too think of sunbutt as a second mother

8573671
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8580125

I got no beta reader or editor, sorry.

8611990

Mag got an adoptive mother who only little kids and the insane can see. Oh and a moon princess that lives in her head.

That doesn't sound so good when said out loud, right?

But yeah, both Mag and Celestia need each other.

8612026
You need to get one (and good that you have put up a note).
there are things written in time present and past at the same time
My magic aura, you felt it didn't you?

Oh and I think you copied without editing the part about mag explaining the car since she supposedly pointed (this does this) at the fuel meter while riding Celestia.

And you keep writing sence instead of sense.
Having a creative mind and problems with ortography is an ironic and terrible combo.

8612334
Well not really since in this rewrite Mag car was stolen. But yeah should give it another look.

Edit: I did, fixed.

Well then...
That happened.

Still a good read

8629770

Oh this won't make things any easier for the two of them, different species, cultures and that. If anything it will complicate things even more.

And let's not forget Snarky aunt Luna!

I haven't read the original
But I can tell that this will be a good story to follow
Cheers and thanks for keeping the dream alive

I haven't read the original, but very unique and interesting. I look forward to where this goes.

8612026
I would offer to be a beta reader/editor, since I do that for several other stories, (Like My Life as a Bipedal Quadruped, Defect, and several others) but to be honest, my health isn't the most reliable.

Still, if you have nobody else willing, I'd be glad to do it. I enjoy editing in general.

You could ask the original editor if they're willing to take up the task again

Well finally got around to binge reading what’s here so far. Really enjoying the rewrite, and can’t wait to for more. :pinkiehappy:

8953528

Thank you, I am working on the next chapter right now.

Welcome back! Now I got reading material for the ride home. Thanks!

Ah, Cain and Abel. That part reminds me of the interpretation of the event used in the Imaginarium Geographica series. That's also an interesting read, if you don't mind sad/depressing endings.

This is really interesting. I wonder what happened to end the world?

Reminds me of the scene in The Last Magician. CS Lewis was always good for scenery.

:rainbowhuh:Well, that took a bizarre turn. Cute.

“NO!” Masg yelled

Mag bound down

Typo.

I like the sudden changes in tone and what happens in the story.

8958686
Spoilers!
8958721
Uh... thank you?
8958738
Yeah it did.

Very nice. I have a feeling I will be re-reading this when it is done. Some stories fit well in the Fimfiction format (rather episodic), but something deeper like this is probably better continuous.

Not to say it wasn't very enjoyable, but I can tell that reading stories in-between hasn't done well for my appreciation for the subtle character developments.

showed Celestia how the mouse worked

I think that's unnecesarry she already used the computer earlier much more than in the original, you're confusing versions of the story here.

Also Mag's magic is way different this time. It seems to be instead about her younger self and not her current self. A curious thing.

9349581
Fixed.

And yes Mag magic is different because Mag herself is different. To quote the first chapter of this rewrite "In fact it was too beautiful, so wonderful and irreal that for a brief moment her brain decided that there wasn't a beautiful goddess in front of her. Then it remembered that Mag was crazy and if anything Mag could see more than before of the impossible being in front of her."

This may make me a bad person, but I was expecting, and looking forward to, Mag accepting the Nightmare.

Partly I think this is because putting myself in her place, with what she's gone through, I would have accepted. Perhaps I'm too easily swayed.

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Thing is; Mag is an adult and she is not stupid. She is also deep down a good person. Both this Mag and the one from the original story cared that the Nightmare was torturing Luna while they were talking.

Besides, this Mag wouldn't betray her new family like that. And having Luna is her head is troublesome enough, add the Nightmare and that's just too much.

Nor to mention the reason why Luna speed up Mag training was to help Celestia, something that Mag also wants, and Nightmare Mag wouldn't help Celestia.

“This is the Valley of Mirrors. There are other places a reflection might lead to, but most lead here. It's the safest In-Between I know of for mortal travelers, but don't let your guard down.

She should try the Wood Between the Worlds 'its a peaceful place, though somewhat confusing to navigate due to it's sameness.

On second thought, she probably shouldn't. The Wood is all too tempting to those burdened by regret, she would be in danger of succumbing to the long sleep.

9354121

When she says it is the safest she does mean it. All other places have dangers that come from the place itself at the very least.

Not sure I like the removal of the "am I not my brothe's keeper" line. But I do appreciate that Eldest is extremely to-the-point and doesn't talk in riddles. Having everything spelled out like that seems kind of like bad exposition at first glance but then you realize that that's just who he is and how he does things.

Oh and you should probably do a once-over for typos, there were a few in this chapter

Ok seriously please proofread, there are a few unpaired italics tags, a "were" wherethere should have been a "where", and some other weird typos. This story is good so far and typos take me out of it.

9354329

I figured out that he has done this song and dance so many times by now he wants to end it as fast as possible. And could you point out the typos so I can fix them?

9353271
If you're too easily swayed, you're hardly the only one. The nightmare's... presentation, and persona, is the sort of thing I *adore*. It's the sort of easy, reasonable, civilized argument that would sway me nine times out of ten... assuming, of course, that I didn't know better.
If I did manage to refuse the Nightmare, it would likely only be through two reasons: First, because I just don't want anything bad enough to take such a significant risk.
And Second, because I've read enough of the right sorts of books that I always, always fear the creatures that offer you exactly what you want.

Of course, being a soft-hearted fool, I would almost certainly make the mistake of trying to trust and befriend the Nightmare and gain it's cooperation that way, instead of banishing like Mag did. Probably wouldn't end well.

9357856
I got a bridge to sell you...

And again, Mag is not cold hearted enough to trust someone who was torturing Luna while they talked.

that would require me to.legally exist here

to legally

and not in the sence everyone is special

since

"Celestia seemed... distracted. She mentioned I can do magic then later asked me why the Aether was different around me, so I told her I can do magic, and she acted as if she had not known before I told her." Mag found it weird it took her falling asleep to realize that. She was now(?) wearing a red dress and eating apples.

"Celestia is not only a doer but a planner; your crying took her by surprise, so she had to improvise and she made mistakes. Also she still plans to go alone."

"Why? Is that Regent of the place she is going that dangerous?"

"Ponies don't take failures well when is things we feel should be good doing. We are also a herd species, we don't deal well with being alone. You and I have helped, but there is not a magical mystery cure for this or some miracle. Celestia and I lost our World, and there is nothing she can do to fix things, or if you want the optimistic version, there is nothing she can do to fix it yet." Luna was wearing a pink tutu while a familiar pink unicorn brushed her coat.

"Oh thank you." Mag picked a diamond that a scarecow waiter have her. she tasted it, it was soft and flavored like vanilla.

I've added suggested fixes and highlighted two areas that seem like possible editing errors. I'm not sure what those are supposed to be; I know it's also a dream sequence, but I'm fairly sure that those are errors rather more than just attempting to look surreal.

No; there wasn't a pink unicorn dancing, don't be silly. Could Luna see it? Mag barely could, actually she couldn't because there was not a pink unicorn dancing, okay?

Pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows🎵

I hope Luna does not look up clop by accident

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