Into the Belly of the Beast
Bored. Bored, bored, bored.
Luna sat in her room, looking out at the late afternoon sun and counting down the minutes until she’d need to raise the moon and take her turn at watch. An echoing sound of three sets of hoofsteps in a distant hallway finally provided her a brief respite from tedium.
Judging by the length of stride, the loudest belonged to Celestia. Nopony else had legs that long. The other couldn’t be anypony else but Twilight Sparkle, with her characteristic high-stepping exuberance while with her mentor. The last was vaguely familiar, but definitely not common. The sound of carefully timed hooves gnawed at Luna. Where had she heard that sound before? Applejack? No. Fluttershy? Maybe. More hoofsteps clattered, closer now, right behind. Who was that third pony?
“Good afternoon, sister!” she said, not even turning to face them as they stood in the doorway. She still hadn't finalized her guess. “And Twilight Sparkle!" The third pony had to be Mayor Mare. "And...” Finally whirling around, she found her predictions were woefully inaccurate. Luna gave a frustrated snort. “Rarity! What brings all of you here?”
“Oh, we were just visiting,” Twilight said with a cheerful smile. "I wanted to say hello on my way out. Are you busy?”
“I’m afraid not,” Celestia answered for her sister. “She finds herself at loose ends these days.”
The beginnings of a glare formed on Luna’s face, but she soon relented, nodding as she looked at the floor.
“You just need a hobby,” Twilight said. “I love reading, as I know you do. Why don’t you try the other side—writing?”
Luna held a hoof up to her mouth for a moment, but still wore a frown. “But what do I write?”
“Oh, just have fun with it,” Rarity chimed in as she stepped to the front. “Do what everypony else is doing.”
“Oh, that’s just beating a dead horse!” Twilight replied with a grimace.
What a dreadful thought! But if that’s what ponies want...
Luna sat in front of her computer, looking over the highest-rated recent novellas released for public consumption rated by The Canterlot Times viewers. “Luna Uses a Toothbrush.” “Luna Discovers Crabgrass.” “Luna Eats Her First Fluffernutter.” She appeared to be a subject of choice. It was odd, but when in Rome... And with a dead horse, no less.
Her first idea forming already, Luna began typing on her word processor, sending her words flowing onto the screen.
Luna was soaring over the forest at night on her patrol route when she encountered a gruesome sight: a limp body lying on the crude path below. She landed next to it and prodded it with a hoof, but there were no signs of life. Pressing an ear to its chest, she could detect no breathing or heartbeat, and the smell soon convinced her that she was far too late to be of any help.
She pulled a golf club from her saddlebag and gave the body a solid whack. It did nothing to revive the poor beast, but it didn’t seem to be any the worse for wear, either. She hit it again and again, to no useful effect, but it wasn’t any less gratifying than her monotonous sentry duty. It was an average evening.
After stretching it out to a few pages, Luna submitted it her publisher; he'd get things out in the public eye as soon as possible. Time to wait. Soon, she had a reader recommendation. Then five. Then ten, fifty, a hundred, a thousand. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched her rating shoot up until she was at the top of the Canterlot Times daily recommendations. Front and center, for all Equestria to see.
“Well... that was easy.” She clicked on her own story and scrolled through the first few comments.
“Zomg no way that is real Luna!”
“MOAR!”
“Please continue this story!!!!!!”
Luna shot out of her chair and ran to the window, her heart racing. A sly, one-sided smile crept onto her face until a trace of her sense of responsibility returned. Casting a cursory glance around the moonlit lands below her window, she saw no obvious signs of invasion. Surely the guards could see to it on their own for one night. She strolled back to her desk, leaned this way and that to crack her neck, and opened a fresh document.
Luna found herself trotting in the desert near Appleloosa for no apparent reason, and happened upon a desiccated corpse. Some hapless traveler had fallen from the train without any source of water, no doubt. In the stillness of the noonday heat, she lowered her head and drew her mouth into a frown.
Her respects paid, Luna pulled a crowbar out of her saddlebag and beat it against the body’s flank. No life returned to the empty husk, but neither had its predicament become any more dire. She took another swing, producing nothing but a cloud of sandy dust from the bleached hide. A disapproving buzzard looked down from the overhanging cliff, but it left after considering its options, once Luna had gritted her teeth and brandished the pry bar at it. All in all, the afternoon turned out to be unproductive, but at least the evening coolness had set in by the time she bored of it, making the remainder of her journey pleasant.
With a giddy smile plastered on her face, Luna watched her story climb the rankings until it joined its predecessor among the top recommendations. She didn’t even bother reading the comments this time, as her sales ratcheted up faster than she could track.
No time like the present. On to the next one.
Luna soared over the ocean, reveling in the beautiful starlight reflecting off the waves. She glided low, allowing her hooftips to trail through the water and kick up a fine salt spray. Just as she was about to tilt into a steep bank for the return trip, she spotted an object bobbing like a cork on the surface. A badly sunburned stallion had apparently clung to that life ring until the very last, but in the end, it had been for naught.
She pulled a pipe wrench from her saddlebag and clocked him on the skull in the hope that she could overcome the astronomical odds against its being the right course of action. It was not. After a few more impacts, the body slid through the ring and appeared no more. A wasted hour, perhaps, but Celestia could no longer harangue her about the pointlessness of toting a pipe wrench along on her patrols.
Luna clapped her hooves together as her name now occupied the top three places in the “What’s Popular?” box. Her high was broken by a high-pitched ding. Clicking on the icon that had popped up, she scanned over an email from TwilightSparkle.
Luna? Is that you? You do know that “beating a dead horse” is just an expression, right? You made it work, though. Why don’t you try self-referential humor? You know, like a story about you writing a story about you writing a story? Ponies seem to go crazy for those, too.”
Luna slouched in her chair as she shook her head and held a hoof to her forehead. Indulging in a brief chuckle at her own expense, she did a search on such stories. Her eyes brightening, she scooted a little closer to the keyboard.
Bored. Bored, bored, bored.
Luna sat in her room, looking out at the late afternoon sun and counting down the minutes until she’d need to raise the moon and take her turn at watch. An echoing sound of three sets of hoofsteps in a distant hallway finally provided her a brief respite from tedium.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- fic Write Off · 99k words · 32 1 · 2.4k views
- fic Write Off · 163k words · 37 5 · 2.3k views
- fic Write Off · 88k words · 22 0 · 2.2k views
- sklafjdslkj · 5.6k words · 36 2 · 1.3k views
- Filler · 5.3k words · 39 2 · 1.5k views
- The Madman · 3k words · 22 16 · 1.2k views
- fic Write Off · 85k words · 15 2 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.39 seconds
Total duration
762 users online
853,480 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh Luna.
My head is broken, this broke me, please accept the embodiment of my emotions in JPG form.
i1.ytimg.com/vi/4VXQSs1Qfcc/hqdefault.jpg
Thank you. I was getting tired of these stories as well.
A short, but funny story. Keep this up!
1211071
Yeah, people need to know when to give it a rest. Spread the word!
1211099
Ohai Corejo.
Someone had to say it.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dis-gon-b-gud.gif
1211114
No, no, I will not love and tolerate that. Read the story.
Welp, it's come full-circle now.
Sweet! I seriously lol'd! Especially at this part:
“Luna Uses a Toothbrush.” “Luna Discovers Crabgrass.” “Luna Eats Her First Fluffernutter.” She appeared to be a subject of choice. It was odd, but when in Rome... And with a dead horse, no less.
Those all sound like the fics about Luna that normally appear on here.
By the way, I loved how she beat a dead horse...err ponies.
And that ending! Delightfully cliche! 
I wonder if this will end up in the feature box? It has the potential!
Can't say I was expecting that.... but it was cool nonetheless.
Well, someone had to do it eventually.
Is further proof needed that Princess Luna is best pony? I think not.
That was unexpectedly awesome for different conflicting reasons. and they're right. someone had to say it. but still, what's wrong with sticking with what works?
Thank you. That was not only entertaining, but also managed to coax a rather nice tune out of my piano while I was reading.
ooh that's good
That was pretty funny, and I am glad it managed to be the subtle, clever kind of meta. Nice work.
I wanted to post the South Park clip where Jared is beating a dead horse, but I'll opt for this one instead:
Liked that bit of meta-ception at the end. Bravo on a silly first entry, good sir. I look forward to more
Heh. This was funny, and says something that needed to be said. Finally started posting, Dark Horse? Good on ya! Look forward to MOAR (hehe).
"Why don’t you try self-referential humor? You know, like a story about you writing a story about you writing a story? Ponies seem to go crazy for those, too.”
This story was fun, and really spot on, I like it! ...But I get this creeping feeling I'm kind of being made fun of. ...And now I'm all confused.
Carry on.
Satire is mediocre and transparent, though it makes a good point. The comedy is lost on me, but others seem to find it funny. Grammar and style are all incredibly clean, as expected. My only concern is that the content is entirely lacking for just about... well every aspect of the story. It never really goes into depth or anything beyond skimming the surface of what happens.
A gust of fresh air in a sealed chamber. Thank you.
Hm... funny I think. Mostly because I just find the idea of Luna writing about herself beating dead horses hilarious and the fact that Twilight actually gave her the idea. I understand its meant to be somewhat satirical but its most amusing to me on its face value.
The down side of this, you know people are going to start writing fics about Luna actually beating dead horses now, right?
I just wondering abou this too. "Luna Takes A Shower". "Luna Does Something Average" And now "Luna Beats A Dead Horse".
Why is everyone crazy for Luna? Is it because she's dark and mysterious, yet somewhat awkward and vulnerable?
Thank God my prediction was correct.
So it begins.
This is kind of trippy. Dumb minds think alike?
Oh. My. Celestia.
No words can describe my feelings right now...
*planks on a bench in the park*
*Luna passes by for no apparent reason*
*Luna takes a baseball bat out of her saddlebag and beats me for half an hour*
XD gotta love a good, hilarious time paradox.
this is serious awesome. well done.
Makes sense to me. Not that I know what a fluffernutter is, but what the hay.
Write on!
This is adorable. I love stories in which the Drama Queen of the Night tries to do something ordinary -- even satires of them, evidently!
1228860 We call it a "Nutter Butter".
1212193 Lovely and subtle way of spinning folks off course by the way.
Fukkin' solid, mate. XD
1211921
https://m.How about this one ?
(it's ok, it is safe for Woona)
9174531
.........
*Slow Clap* You have just breathed warmth into this old withered heart tonight. Well done.
9175796
Oh good.
Nice to know that your heart didn't seize at the sight of the thumbnail
I love that ending. I had the same idea at the end of her first story.