An Equestrian thanksgiving

When thanksgiving arrives in Equestria, Switch has one pony, or rather, zebra, that he wants to invite
His marefriend, Nosey Flame. Will this be a better holiday than the ones of past years, or will Switch finally feel happiness?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 20 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 20
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Twilighted Rose

Twilighted Rose #1 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 3 · 1 ·

That was absolutely adorable!!

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #2 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556240
Thx
What did you like most about it?

Nosey Flame

Nosey Flame #3 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

Both Switch and Nosey had amazing dreams that night. What happened in the dreams, is a secret.

Really

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #4 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556244
Yup
But I’ll reveal the dreams in PM
We are Switch Swap and Nosey Flame after all

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #5 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556244
Maybe you should change your username to Nosey Flame

Nosey Flame

Nosey Flame #6 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

Yeah but anytime I try to change it, it can't be accepted.

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #7 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556254
That’s weird

Nosey Flame

Nosey Flame #8 · Nov 29th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556256
Oh nevermind. It worked.

Player 4

Player 4 #9 · Nov 30th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

Wow, this is a really cool concept! You two used yourselves as characters, but it's written in third-person!

Oh yeah, and it was adorable.

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #10 · Nov 30th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556889
Uh, actually this wasn't a collab

Player 4

Player 4 #11 · Nov 30th, 2020 · · 1 ·

10556892
True. I guess I should have phrased it as "You used yourself and Nosey as characters."

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #12 · Nov 30th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10556895
Yeah

Player 4

Player 4 #13 · Nov 30th, 2020 · · 1 ·

10556898
Good. My mistake.

Jatheus

Jatheus #14 · Dec 1st, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

Cute!

You’ve got a few periods missing at the end of dialogue and occasional paragraph endings as well. If I were to be critical, for me, I look for a bit more meat in a story... I just made a really bad pun considering this is a Thanksgiving story about herbivores...

Anyway, what I mean to say is that I like a little tease. You did give a little one at the end, which was nice! I think you’d do well to flesh out and give more details in your work.

Write on, my friend!

Switch Swap

Switch Swap #15 · Dec 1st, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10558608
Thanks

Amarandream

Amarandream #16 · Dec 1st, 2020 · · ·

I'm going to go ahead and agree with Jatheus that this story needs more meat. The beginning is taken up by exposition, and the middle is a whole bunch of back and forth that can pretty much be summed up with, "Nosey and her brother were invited out to dinner with Switch." This section needs to either be spiced up significantly with more dialogue that feels truly unique to the characters and situation—as opposed to sounding much the same as anyone being invited to dinner, just like we rarely show people brushing their teeth in stories, since it is too routine—or it needs to be taken out and have the story begin with Nosey arriving at Switch's home, that way you can focus on the dinner itself and the interactions between the characters as they eat.

In my opinion, as it is, the story doesn't really begin until somewhere around this line:

"Mom, dad. I'm home." Said Switch, "And I brought guests with me."

The story could also use a bit more conflict, something to get in the way. Nevertheless, it isn't a bad story. There is the beginning of something truly heartwarming at the end there, and I like what you were going for. I think that as you improve and get better at cutting out any unnecessary dry sections, you'll be able to come up with some truly smile-worthy works. :)

EDIT: I just wanted to add that I'm not actually expecting you to make any of these changes. I'm just providing this as feedback so that you know to keep an eye out for these kinds of things on future projects.

Buck Swisher