Detective jakkid166 Breaks Bad

by jakkid166

Better Living through Chemistry

“AAAAAAAAAAAGH” I scream out of my lungs as Twilight and Phoenix and me soar through the airs of ponyville. “guys make sure to roll when you hit the ground so you dont get hurt!”

But instead of following my good advice, Twilight just used magic to land softly and Phoenix said OBJECTIon to the ground which made him not hit it as hard. It is a shame they use boring methods while I only slam my face into the ground and get a concussion a little bit.

“That dickhead Zercora!” said Twilight. “Im gonna go tell on her to Princess Celestia and get her executed!”

“You mean arrested right?” said me as i dusted clothes off.

“Uhhh yeah sure.”

“Jesus” said Phoenix. “I am thinking maybe I should re tire from Equestria law. Los Angeles may be crazy law place sometimes, but nothing like a courtroom getting blown up would ever happen that would be nutso.”

“Well the important thing is we are not hurt or killed or too badly inconvenenced,” said me. “Now we can find the evil Zecora and Cronky Donkey Donkey and arrest em!” but as I said that, my phone ranged with the MP3 file of “A Cybers World” from the Deltarune, which is how I know it was Celestia calling. “Hey celestia whats up man?”

“Hey did you just throw Zecora and Cranky Doodle Donkey into Canterlot Canterprison?”

“Uhhhhh” said me and I think for a second. “Yes that was me I did absolutely did that. Because they try to murder us with knifes and guns and bombs.”

“Oh cool thats fine then. These two will get SERIOUS time out! It will be at LEAST 20 minutes before either them see the light of outside again.”

“Sweet” said me and I hang up. “Looks like the bomb blew Zecora and Cranky all the way into the sky when it explode just like us, but they landed in Canterlot Canterprison instead.”

“Wait but I thought they escaped how did that happen?” said Phoenix.

~ THE FLASH BACK TO THE FLASHBACK ~

“Alright Cranky this is the final door for us to escape,” said Zecora. “Once we get out we can make a new meth flavored grape.”

“You got it boss, just gotta find the right key.” he say and he pull out the key ring with 200 keys on it. “Not this one… nope not this one either……”

~ BACK TO THE FUTURE (which is the present) ~

“Oh well I guess it doesnt matter” said Twilight.

“So,” say me. “We have amass a great fortune so far… but I need MORE!”

“But jakkid this is gettin dangerious!” said Phoenix.

“Thats right we should be done now probably,” say Twilight.

“We are done when i SAY we are done, and I am not saying we are done until we are done, which is only when I say we are done!” said me. “Now phoenix what is our next big step to meth celebritydom?”

“Hmmm” said Phoenix. “I think I have connections to the Pony Food Network channel, maybe we can get a cooking show.”

~ AT THE TIME THAT IS THE SAME TIME ~

Dick America rushed with the dickingest despration known to man. He run to the front door of him house and tried to open it but it was LOCKED.

“ARG! Goddammit!” said Dick and he bring up his FIST and he bring it down onto the door really fast and gently unlock it with the keys and opened the door for Applejack to go in first. “Ponies first” he said because he is a Gentleman Detective. i am too just a little less maybe.

Once they was in Dick SLAMMED the door and throwed the name tag on the table and study it with the hardest lookingness possible. “What can it mean… what can it MEAN Applejack?”

Applejack shrugged.

“Thats IT!” said Dick. “we dont KNOW who it is! We just need to find out the thnigs we dont know! It is a genius plan! Good thing i learn that skill from Detective jakkid.” and he thinky hard. “But the question is remaining. What stuff do we not know about?”

“Hmmpartner,” said apple and she look at the computer. “We dont know what weird fanfictions jakkid was looking at.”

“I do not see the relevantness of it,” said Dick “But sure let us finding out.” so he walk over to the LAN party computer I was on and open Google Chrome’s browser history.

“lets see here…" and while he was on there he made sure to give thumb ups to all my stories online. "Wait" he say as he open a website. "Zecoras Secret Meth Website? Why how did this get here? Maybe she snuck in to secertly help the other team in the TF2 lan party... the bastard!" and he try to guess the logging in credentiales. However, he could not type them in, becaus he did not know what they are. "Dammit!" he say as he slam the keybored. "ANOTHER thing we do not know!"

But littel did he know... Appeljack had enable Google Crome Password Remembering last week... so when he slam the keyboard it pick the password from the list that I typed in earlier on accident!

"Woah!" say click and he Dick around. "This page have a big .JPEG file of a big chunk of meth! But wait..." he say and he open the jpeg in MS Paint and zoom in on it really hard. "i see in the reflection of this meth TWO people... and they look kinda like jakkid and Twilight! But that cannot be..." and he think hardy. "ARG! The infomation is too much! I need to go to the toilet and crap the information out and also my lunch." and he went to sit on the toilet to think thinkingly.

"Dang partner." said Applesjack because since Dick put the meth jpeg in the computer the computer is now getting really high and it was eatin the disc that was put into it because it had the Munchers.

Dick sit on the throne of craposity while he mull over all the facts of the facts of the situation, and also the other facts. He think hard about the trials, trials, and other trials he has face in his antimeth journey. He take the name tags out of his pocket and gaze on them with a look of detectiving…

“wait…” said him. “jakkenberg… Sparkleberg… Jakkensparkle… Sparkkid… BERGBERG?” he put his hand to his chins and deduce harder than he ever deduce before. “These names sound kinda like they are made up… but wait… the last four letter remind me of a thing.” and he pull out his phone to look on the internet. “AHA!” he exclaimouted. “HEISENBERG!” and he DASH out to the living room!

“WOAH Partner you forget to flush!” shout Applejack.

“No time for that now Applesjack!” said Dick. “I KNOW who is making meth in our town!” and he go to the computer and open the Wikipedia website (which is wikipedia.org). “But I dont want to believe it…” and he type “Heisenberg” into it.

“You see,” say Dick. “i KNEW these name tags have the revelance to a real name, and that name is Heisenberg! Now first I think to myself, Dick America, why would Warner Heisenberg become back alive and invade Equestria to flood it with meth when he can instead just stay dead which is WAY easier and less stressful on you mental health? The answer is…”

“He mustve been piss off that he never got to meet the greatest Detective in the world, Detective jakkid166!” said Applejack. “And also you sugarcube.”

“Oh thats not what I was gonna say. Your theory do sound interesting though. But if it is the case we better warn jakkid cause I dont think he like that guy very much. He got into a bigbig fight with his employers.”

“Either that or it actually means Iceberg and the planet we ar all on is gonna crash into a big space iceberg and explode,” said her.

“Damn thats double bad! We should present this theeory to Detective jakkid166 immediately so he can shot the iceberg with his Detective Gun and blow it up into tiny ice cubes and give Equestria a ice supply for their drinks for a few weeks.”

“Well lets get goin icecube!” said Applejack and they ran out the door to warn me of the incoming whatever it is.

~ ON FOOD NETWORK ~

“Hello Equestria!” i say to the TV camera. “Welcome to the official Jakkenberg and Sparkleberg cooking show.”

“Today we have a recipe to show you that is near and dear to our heart. You can serve it to your family, your friend, or your worst enemy if you want to make them stop being you enemy and love you forever.”

“Thats right,” said me. “We of course talk about the classic recipe… Meth!”

and the studio audience cheer and applause and one of them whistled and said “WOO jakkenberg I love you!” which is kind of weird because I never met him before.

“Now who is ready to COOK?” I shout and the audience cheer and shout and WOO more.

“He is just like me I am relate to him so hard,” said some of the TV viewers watchin at home.

“Good thing Celestia does not watch Food Network” I whisper to twilight. “Now we begin the cooking in THREE… TWO… THREE-”

BUT WE WERE CUT OFF!

“JAKKID!” said Dick as he rush into tha TV studio with Applejack. “There you are I been looking all over town for you! I have bad news I must report!”

“What is it” said me. “I am busy trying to cook…. things that are not meth!”

“Dont worry it will only be a second!” said Dick. “wait this cooking stuff looks like stuff that ISN’T for things that are not meth.”

“That is because we are showin the viewers how to make fake meth candy to prank their friends!” said me.

“That makes sense” said Dick and he was about to leave but he spot somethin. “Wait a second….” and he come over to us and look at our name tags we have on. “j…, JAKKENBERG? and SPARKLEBERG?”

“Yeah those are our candy names!” said Twilight. “We name ourselfs after famous candy maker, Willy Wonka. His secret last name is Berg.”

Dick shake his head. “I am sorry you two but I cannot accept that expalnation. You see…” and he open his Court Record to present to us things. “These name tags say the same names… and they came from Zecoras meth lab!”

“Uhhhh” said me. “Oh yeah we went in there to teach her to make fake meth insted of real meth so its safe for the kids.”

“do not LIE to me jakkid and Twilight!” said him and he start to cry ghost tears. “Is it true? Are you two really the meth methufacturers of Ponyville?”

“Uhhh” I say and Twilight and I look at each other. “Well its not THAT bad. we only made SOME meth, not all of it!”

“That is still not an acceptable,” said Dick and he take out his ghost handcuffs. “Im sorry but I must take you both in.”

I cross my arms. “It will not hold up in the court. I will plead not guilty by reason of Detective.”

“We will see. Also these are ghost handcuffs tho so please dont pass your arms through them to escape pretty please.” and he move to us with the hand cuffs.

“Wait” said Twilight “Why are you arresting us?”

“Uh” said Dick. “Because you make meth.”

“So?”

“Thats a crime.”

“Not in Equestria it isnt.”

“wait what”

“Hold on what” I say to Twilight. “Did you say makig meth in Equestria isnt illegal?”

“Yeah meth has always been legal.” said Twilight.

“Oh.” said Dick. “Huh I did not know that.”

“uhhhh” I said. “Well I knew that. I always knew that obiously, Detective jakkid166 would not commit heinous crime unless the crime was legal.”

but then APPLEJACK BURST IN THROUGH THE DOORS! “PARTNER I just realize who the real methers are, yeehaw!” and she THREW her lasso at me! but the lasso roped the meth stuff instead and it all got pulled over and spilled into each other and ruined it all and it catch on fire.

“Wait false alarm Applejack”, said Dick. “It turns out meth is not illegal here.”

“Oh I knew that” said Applejack. “This was just better job than Apple Picking.”

but then the STUDIO DOORS bust open and a bunch of ponies rush in!

“You idiots!” said the pony that looke like the leader of the group (because he had a name tag that says leader.) “You RUIN the meth show! Our profits are gonna go down now by like 0.0001%! You pastards!”

“Uhhh who are you?” said me.

“We are the Food Network share holders!” said the leader pony.

“GASP!” I say. “Shareholders… some of the most EVIL villains ever to plague tha world!” I say and I stand in front of my friends to pretect them. “What do you want with us??”

The leader peek around me at Dick. “You are the idiot who ruin our show! You need to come with us and work off your debt you idiot dumbass ghost person.”

“Hey dont be mean because hes a ghost!” said Twilight. “Remember, you judge someone on their character, not the transparency of their skin!”

“Yeah well he is the character who ruin our show!” he say and he puled out his Ghostbusters ghost proton pack prop (because he is also a share holder in Columbia Pictures) and used it to suck Dick into the pack and trap him there.

“NO!” i shout. “My adopted cousin detective! Give him back!”

“Give us ONE good reason to” said the leader shareholder. “Or prefrably, more than one good reason.”

I looked around at everythin for ideas but I sigh. Deep in my detective heart, I knew what I wold have to do. I took out my detective wallet. “I have money that you can have… my whole meth fortune.”

“Oh really is that so? How much is it”

I sigh again and took the money out. “Its… its 80 dollars. All right here in this wallet. With this money, you can have the DREAM lifestyle you always want!

Meanwhile all the TV viewers at home were glue to the screen and cryig tears because of this deep emotional moment…

“Well our profit loss is 81 dollars so that is not enough,” said the pony.

“oh crap.” said me. “Hey Twilight do you have a dollar?”

“Yeah” said Twilight. “I need it to get a coke from the vending machine later though.”

“Dammit!” I say. “What can we do???”

“I know what you can do!” said the pony. “Nothing hahaha.” and they all runned off with Dick captured and held a prisoner.

“No….” I say and i fell to the gound in frustrationation and angers. The viewers watchin at home were in awe at the episode of TV and nominated us for an Emmy.

~ 23 HOURS LATER (because of equestrias Daylight Savings Time) ~

Twilight and I and Applejack walked through the streets of ponyville all slumpy and tired and sadded after the horribel events of the previous day. It had been a WHOLE DAY and nether of us were any closer to finding the location of Dick American, and Google and Bing and Yahoo were not any help at all. Our hair was grown back by now and it was all messy cause of how much we been through.

“Dammit…” I say. “How cold this happen?”

“I dont know,” said Twilight and she took a sip of her coke. “It do suck though.”

“Applejack do you know any idea where the shareholders may have be keeping Dick at?” I say.

“Nope partner,” said she. “This cowpoke is wrasslin the tumbleweed yeehaw.”

“Those crap poopers,” I say as I slammed my hand with my fist. “I shoulda known never to work with the Pony Food Network… they are not on the side of justice, they ar on the side of justisn’t!”

“Wait whos that?” said Twilight and she point to an alley. There was a suspicous character there… he look over at us inconspicously with a nervous look that show his giganto sharp teeth and gray skin. He beckoned us with one his flippers.

“Huh” said me. “That guy look kinda like a shark, because he is one.” and we went into the alleyway with him.

“What you want with us partner?” said Applesjack. “Who in pardnation are you?”

“The names Bobathan Sharkeater matey” said the guy. (hes not a cannibal thats just his name from coincidence.) “I hear you two be lookin for Dick America yarr.”

“Thats right” said me. “How do you know my adopted cousin Dick?”

“It a long story…” said him.

“What is the long story?”

“Oh you actually want me to tell you. Alright matey. Here is the story: I used to be a shark detective. You may not know, but Dick America actualy used to work with the Shark Police on cases somtimes. I was his partner, his first mate! He accompaneyed me on many cases… like the bribe ones.”

“Wait what?” said me. “Dont you talk about Dick like that, he is no corrupt man! He does not take the bribes, unlike me who is only a LITTLE corrupt sometimes!”

“No, Dick wasnt corrupt matey… I was. I tolded him to take the bribe, but instead he reported me to the Principal of the shark police department.”

“Did you get suspension or expelsion or have to stay in during recess partner?” said Applejack.

“Nope, it all got cover up. But I was mad at the betrayal… I cold not stand for what he do to me! I could not see that he did not betray me… but it was me who betrayed him…”

“So what did you do? I say while I ate popcorn.

“When his girl friend Sara N Wrap got arrested by the shark police… I plant meth on her.”

“That was YOU partner?” said Apple. “You bastard! What would your mom think sugarcube?”

“I know… I did not realize it would make it a death penalty. But still there is no excuse, I was over come with guilt and I resign as shark detective. ever since I punish myself by living in homeless streets out of water and suffocating myself. Detective jakkid I am very sorry for what I did, it is imforgivable.”

I looked down at floor. “What a horrible thing you do… you betray the principles of Detective…” and I clenchd my fists. “But I am not the one to apologize to.”

“That is right,” said him. “I call you three here today becaus in my bribery I made many connections… including to shareholders. And I know exactly where they hideout is… I want to help you guys free Dick America from the clutches of being shareholded.”

The three us look each other. “Do we wanna accept his him help?” said me.

“What choice we have? said Twilight.” said Twilight.

“Yeah what we got to lose partner?” said Applejack. “Other than our lifes and your detective job and Twilights princess job and my apple trees.”

“Hmm…..” I sayed with spepticism. “Very well. Bobathan, welcome to the Detective Team. What is your plan?”

~ LATER THAT NIGHT (i think it was that night) ~

“KNOCK KNOCK” said a voice outside the door of the Shareholder Hideout.

“What is it at this hour of day night?” said the Leader (who is named Brock Stock). “We are tryin to do a shareholder meeting!” and he lookd at all the others doing shareholder stuff like eatin money and stocking markets. He opened the front door to see none other than….

“Well if it isnt Bobathan Sharkeater” said Brock. “You here for another bribes?”

“Actually matey,” said Bob “I got business propesition for ye, yarr.” And he introduce the man standing next to him… Phoenix WRIGHT! “I got a new cooking show idea, myarrtey.”

“Hmm interesting” said Brock. “Come in” and they started talkin turkey.

“So the idea is becaus I am a world famous lawyer”, said Phoenix, “I can use this to me advantage to make lots of marketing for my new Lawyer Cooking Show. I will call it Braise from the Ashes! Becaus I used to suck at cooking and everything I make became ashes. Even when I cooked water that one time.”

“But are you sure you can carry a cooking show on you big lawyerly shoulders all on your own?” said Brock.

“That is where you come in,” say Phoeix. “A little birdy told me you have a GHOST here. I think maybe he could be a ideal co host co-ghost! He will get along well with me friend Miles Edgeworth who is also dead.”

“Brillient idea!” said Brock and he snap his hoof fingers. “Evil minions, please bring out the ghost man!” and they bring out a jar of Dick America and put it on the table. Dick America said words at them but they couldent hear them, but Phoenix tried to lip read and gave me his best estimation later on: “Warb marnagal orango mweep”.

“We are prepare to pay a whole 81 dollars for the rights to Dick Americas image,” said Bobathan and Dick look at him all mad and angry.

“Perfecto price,” said Brock. “I think we have deal. To celebrate ours partnership, have some cookies!” and he put out a plate of cookies.

“Dang thanks man, I do not objection to this.” said Phoenix and he grabbe a cookie and put it to his mouth… but then he stop. He look at brock. And then he deliver a first class extra LAWYER PUNCH to Brocks face and he flied across the room! “You dingus you are tryin to kill us!”

“Wait he is?” said Bobathan. “how”

Phoenix demonstrate his lawyerism skills and said: “These cookies are Famous Amos brand cookies… with NOTHING to dip them in! He is tryin to dehydrate us to death!”

“heh…” said Brock as he wipe off his blood nose. “Clever blue suit man. You are right… one bite of that cookies without anything to dip them in wold have have you gasping for water.” and he call in his more minions. “Too bad it do not matter for you. MINIONS, grab them and take all their dollars! Then we wil feed them all the dry cookies they will never want…”

“Oh dang” said phoenix and he SHOUT TO THE DOOR. “OKAY GUYS PLAN B!”

Suddenly the DOOR BUST DOWN and ME and TWILIGHT and APPLEJACK burst through! “got milk?” I SHOUTED and I pull out my Detective AK47 (only use for specific special emergenceys!) and i BLAST IT all over the room and everyone duck down away as the bullets ravageify the room!

the Bullets put Bullet sized Bullet holes in everything from tha stove to the TV to the bullet holes. While I was shootin everything, Phoenix crawl over to Dick America and grab him off the table and started crawlin over to us slowly.

“NO!” said Brock and he also started crawling after Phoenix slowly.

“Come on Phoeix you can do it!” i said While I was pourin a cup of bullets into the gun to keep it firing.

“Im tryin!” but Phoenix was only halfway there when my cup run out and I was all outta gun.

“HAH!” said Brock and he JUMP on top of Phoeix and they wrestle for the Jar of Dick! The two kept rollin around and punchin each other and biting each other and sometimes kissing each other on the cheek to gross out the other.

“Come on Phoeix you can do it!” I said but I saw all the other shareholders was gettin ready to shit us up!

“Oh hell,” I say and I look at the others. “I thinky its time for you to be thinking what I’m thinking, dont you think?”

The two nodded and I pull out a ziploc bag…

“Wait… the Elements of Harmony??” said Brock.

“Thats right, the elemets of harmony,” I say me. “In smoothie form cause of when I blended them up into a smoothie a long while back.” I opend the bag and pulled out me detective gun from my pocket, and I loadered 6 barrels with each element…

“Haha you think those 6 element can beat us?” said Brock. “6 is a tiny number, I know way bigger numbers, like 7.”

“You say that… but the detective gun have a 7th chamber.”

“But theres only 6 elemets of harmony!” said Twilight.

“I think it is time to make a 7th for now.” I said and I pull out a piece of meth and put it in chamber 7 and I aim gun at them.

“Oh crap” said Brock.

“and Now, with these 7 elements: Loyalty, Kidness, Laughters, Generosity, Honestism, Magic, and METH, I DEFEAT YOU!”

“NOOOOO” NOOOOOed Brock and the other shareholders

and i charge up the gun and FIRE IT all over everone! The rainbow drugness flood the room and it set everthing the way it should be… the bulet holes went away, Dicks jar prison EXPLODED into shards, and all the shareholders money got taken away and floated into the streets of Ponyvilles where they all got into fights and riots tryin to grab it all.

The rainbows clear up and everone was stunne for a second or two seconds or three.

“FUCK” said Brock after 4 seconds. “Dammit how cold you do this! Now I need to go earn salary and get more money again. That is very inconvenient for us” he said and the shareholders all nod in mad agreements and they left away.

“Heh” I sayed as I survey the result of our heroship. “It feel good to be the good guy who is good. But it also hurts for some reason.”

“Uhh jakkid” said Twilight. “You should look at your waistline”

“What” said me. “I am NOT getting fat, I will not look.”

“No partner, one of the glass sharts went in you.” said Applejack.

“Oh.” i said and I look down and I was bleeding bad. “Aw shit. Guess I got what I deserve” and I fall over.

~ time ~

“Urrrrgh” I say as I wake up. I look around to see I am in the hospital room of ponyville, looking at the lights that were on too bright and hurtin my eyes. “What happened”

“Jakkid youre awake!” said Twi who was at my side. “For a second I thought you were gona do something really dumb and idiot, like dying.”

I look over and see there was also Applejack, Dick America,, Phoenix Wright,,, and Bobathan!

“Dang the crap,” said me as I rub my head. “How long was I bleeded out for?”

“I dont know like some hours or something,” said Twilght. “Thats not what is more importat though! While the doctors was surgerying you, they notice something!”

“What is that,” said me.

“Your cold is NOT terminal!” said twilight. “In fact it actualy went away a while ago which is why you havent cough up any more tumors for a while.”

“Oh I did not notice that.” said me.

“That and it wasnt actually a cold." said Phoenix. "You just swallowd some golf balls and forgot about it. Thats why you havent cough up any in a while. But it turn out the chemicals in the golf balls can cause temprary insanity if you swallow too many.”

“Oh I see what you are saying” said me. “So I am not guilty of any of the crimes we did do due to reason of Golfballism.”

“Thats right!” said Twilight. “well I am still guilty but I’m princess so it doesn’t matter.”

“I shoulda known the jakkid we know wouldnt do any evil stuff like melting bodies in acid!" said Dick America.

“And even if he did its all cool I forgive him for it,” said Cheerliee’s ghost who was also there. “Technically it was self defese after all.”

"Three cheers for the sucessful rescue of Dick America!" said Applejack.

“Wait,” I say and I hold up my hand. “I appreciate all you niceness… but I still feel bad. The guilt of my action twists my stomach into a pretzzzel, and the really twisty german kind. I want to make up for my actions of meth and self defense kiling and getting entangle in the under world of Criminal. How about we go all have dinner and I pay for it with detective salary?”

“Only if they sell shark meat matey!” said Bobathan Sharkeater (but as a joke. he doesnt really eat shark)

“Good idea!” said Twilight “and also we never tell Princess Celestia about anything that happend here.”

We all nod in agreement and I pull the glass outta my waist and we get up and go outdoor. On the way to the restaurant I say to Dick “Sorry I lead you on wild duck chase. I see you and Bobathan are makig amends though!”

“Thats right,” said Dick. “And Sara wants to just be friends but thats good enough I am just glad to see her again.”

“That is our good hearted Dick” I said and I laugh into the sunset while we head to have dinner at Pony Texas Roadhouse.

~ MEANWHILE ~

“What the fuck.” said Princess Celestia watching the DVR recording she got of our Food Network episode.

THE END

Comments

[Thought Prism]

“Jesus” said Phoenix. “I am thinking maybe I should re tire from Equestria law. Los Angeles may be crazy law place sometimes, but nothing like a courtroom getting blown up would ever happen that would be nutso.”

[Thought Prism]

Ok real talk this was phenomenal. The plot twist that meth was never illegal in Equestria genuinely got me good.

[Ice Star]

A suspenseful masterwork of meth.