Detective jakkid166 Breaks Bad

by jakkid166

Full Methal Jakket

"So Applejacks, how close do you think we's are to solvering this mystery?" said Dick America who was floating like the ghost he is leading the two through Ponyville huntin for those special detective things called "clues" that only detectives like me and Dick know about. And also Applejack.

"Yeehaw partner you're rootin tootin my sasparilla in the cowpoke," said Applejack. "That means yes"

"Well we have a goodish lead," said Dick. "See we have the clue that the Meth Making Dirt was buyed by a guyed with glasses. How many peopel do we know who have glasses?"

"Well Parter there is Detective jakkid166," said the Apple.

"Hey now do not say such thing to the face of my head!" said Dick. "Detecive jakkid is a Big detective who would never commit the crime of meth. Theres nothing that point to him other than that clue. And the barrel he and Twilight was pushing. And them both becoming bald and have facial hairs."

"Well sorry partner" said Applejack. "It is just a theeeeory."

"A lame theory" said dick. "Wait sorry thats mean I do not mean to snap at you. I am just frustrate because of all the meth that has spread its way into the ponyville..." and he look at the effects it was having on town. It looked normal but there was some pony who was listenin to Larry the Cable Guy stand up comedy so there is good chance they were high on meth.

Just then a PONY ran up to them. "HEY other greatest detectiv in the world Dick America and also pony named Applejack! Come quik, theres a explosion at the Las Mentamfetaminas hermanas!"

"What kind of explosion?" ask Dick.

"The kind that go BOOM!"

"Damn that is the bad kind! Quick take us there at once please sir!"

When they get there they see the restaurant, and it look horrible... it was too much of a bad sight for them to bear... it was paintd bright lime green.

"That is a weeird color choice." said Dick. "Whoever own this building is probably a Scout main in Team Fortres 2."

The two walk up to the En Trance where theyre was reporters interveewing Zecora about the explosion in her restarant. They shove their cameras in her face and shove the micro phone in her mounth just like they do when they interview me for being worlds famous detective! it is very annoying, Detective life has many ups and downs.

"Zercora what can you tell us about how this wil affect your competing with KFC?" said one of them.

"Kentucky Fried Cocaine is shat," said Zecora. "One explosion wont change that."

"Zebra!" said Dick and he hold up him ghost detective badge to wave the reporters off way. "Im detective Dick America and this is my partner in uncrime, Applejack. Can I ask you about what happen here?"

"Everyone have questions for me," said Zecora. "I tell them all the same story."

Dick look at Applejack. "Why is she rhyming?"

"I dunno partner that is just how she talk." said Appeljack. "Maybe she is a rapper like Eminem"

"Uh huh okay." dick Turn back to Zecora. "Okay so whats the Scoop?"

"I'll make it short cause I am tired," said her. "Someone drop ice in the deep fryer."

"I see." said Dick writing it down in his notes app on his ghost detective phone. "Do they not know you have to freeze the ice before you fry it?"

"I will rember that next time!" said her. "Look at my place its painted lime."

"Hey partner I have question about dat!" said Apple. "Whys your place paint Lime? Thats not even the colore of meth, which everypony know is blue."

"Hahaha Applejack," said Dick laughing laughingly. "Whats meth gotta do with this?"

"Well uh partner, the name is Las Metanfetaminas Hermanas."

"Yea and so?"

"Metamfetaminas is spanish for Metharmphertamen. Didyou not know that partner!"

"Shit!" said Dick. "I dont speak spanish so I didnt know that and also jakkid doesnt either so its also not his fault for not knowing. Applejack you are genius for bring this to light!" and he recorded it to his youtube vlog for later.

"But wait partener," said jackapple. "Whys your restaurant named after spanish meth?"

"It is not a cause for shame," say Zecora. "Metamfetaminas is my last name."

"Wow that makes sense!" said Dick but he lean really in close to Applejacks ear and said "No it doesnt."

"Yeah youre right its weird," said Applejack out loud

"Well Zecora thanks for you time," said Dick. "We definitely believe everything you telled us. We wil absolutely not investigate further. Good luck with your insurance claim and stuff cool thanks bye." and he and Applejack left.

Zecora became a face of evil and drama and contemt and forbodingly said "They are on to me, I must put stop to this. But first I'll go pee, which is also called piss."

~ WHEANMILE ~

"Ahh this is the life" I said as i stir the Meth Brew in the gigantic pot with twiligh. we was working in Zecora's secret undergroumd meth labortory underneath her restarant.

"It sure is," said Twilght while she start to pour in the Blue Raspberry flavoring. "All the meth and money we want and we wil never get caught because we are smart and brain."

"They even give me a cool name tag where Im get to choose my own cool secret fake name to keep mine identity secret," I say and I show the tag to twilight and it say "JAKKENBERG". "And its made of invincible so it cant get destroyed from thing like fire and explosions!"

"Yeah me too" said Twilight and hers say "SPARKLEBERG". "But Mr. Jakkid what wil you do when we have made enough money?"

"I will retire and pass away into the Detective Heaven where they finaly made a Ace Attorney Investigations 3 game," I say. But just as I was thinkin about it... IN burst the Zecora from the upstair balcony!

"HEY you idiots pay attention to me!" she said. "OR i take away your nintendo wii!"

"NO!" I say as I return a serve to Twilight in wii sports tennis. "It help us relieve the stress of the Life of Criminality."

"Then you better listen well, or else I put you in hell! Your dumb dick cousin is on to me, stop him or you pay the fee!"

"what is the fee"

"It will be DEATH! Now make more meth" she said and left.

"Shit thats a big fee!" said me. "But also FUCK! This bad! If we dont stop the Dick of America to not find out about Zecoras meth business she will kill us! And also him probabley!"

"Oh no," say Twilight. "my Science Brain have a hypothesis: that this is bad. jakkid maybe we is in too over our heads! If we get caught then it wil be even worse for you because you are detective. Maybe you should quit detective job so it do not conflict with mething."

"WHAT?" said jakkid. "My detectiving skill is what help me deduce how to get the methiest meth there ever methed! if I quit that job, I wil go out of practice and become sucking. And then how will all you afford your Caviar and wagyu steak? No, the meth must go on!" I take my meth hoodie off and start to go out to fix problems.

"But jakkid is it worth dyin for?" said Twilight. "Jesus die on the cross for your sins, not for meth. Besides, how can you beet Zecora when she has such sick rhyme? You have to admit Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world, you are in deep shit!"

I turn around back to her. "Who are you saying words to now? Who is it you think has your words going in his ear?"

"Well there is no one else here." said twilight.

"Do you know what happen if I stop detectiving?" said me. "A BIG number of BIG criminals BIG enough to read with your eyes get away with it. Equestira falls to crime. Ponyville ruled by ponies who do Evil Deeds like stealing and underage drinking and music piracy."

"But you pirated the last Gorilaz album."

"Irrelevent. No, you cleerly dont know who you are talking to so let me first-class deliver the infomation to you in the envelope called 'talking'. I am not in deep shit, Twilight, i AM the deep shit. A guy knocks on a door and gets shot when he knocks, and you think that is me? no. I am the one who KNOCKS."

"YEAH!" said twilight who was inspire by the motivational speech. "and i am the DOOR!"

"Thats the spirit!" say me. "Now lets us go solve this problemo as Equestrias best crime fighting (and crime making) team!"

~ AT THE HOUSE OF AMERICA ~

"Im gonna kill you so hard you will die from it Applejack!" said Dick.

"Not if I kil you first Partingner," said Apple.

but then Rarity walked in and killed them both with a Minigun.

"Dammit who turn mp_friendlyfire on??" said Rain Bowdash as she slam the keybored. "You are not gonna capture the point in this Team Fortress 2 LAN party if you dumasses keep shooting each other in spawn!"

and Rainbow and Rarity and Pinkie capture the point and Dick and Applejack and Fluttershy lose the game. "Dammit," said Dick. "I would say a thing right now but i might get cut off by-" but then he was cut off by the door being knocked!

Dick Dicked over to the door and open it to see none other than Twilight and me standin there. "See I told you I was the one who knocks" said me to Twilight.

"Finally you two are here we are losing bad!" said Dick. "Quick jakkid go Medic we hav a chance still!"

"No time for that now" I say. "We need to cook. I mean not cook. I mean cook but not meth. Food, we cook food. And also conversation about Zecora place."

"I am prety hungry," said Dick. "for information. Come in, drink some my finely aged coffee or eat some of my finely aged milk."

"Thank you" I said sittin on couch and taking a bite of milk. "Dick we ar here to tell you that you are Barkin up the wrong tree."

Dick sit in his chair. "Damn that is a cool new detective idiom you just come up with just now that no one has ever said before. Whats it mean though"

"It means," say Twilight, "We already investigate Zecora! She is innocent of Everything and All. She has never cook meth, hired anyone named Mario, or even tried to murder us for discovering her secret mething identity."

"Thats right," said me. "and she does NOT use MSG in her food." (she actualy does and theres nothing wrong with that but some people are silly and think msg is bad when its not realy.)

"Is zat really true Partner?" said Applejack. "She was actin mightily suspilicious yesterday or today or whenever we talk to her."

"Yep so you dont need to keep investigate her," say me. "Maybe inestigate Princess Celestia though. her fur is white like cocaine so she might be good lead. Or maybe she takes bath in bleach every day I dont know."

"Yeah maybe thats what I do," say Rarity.

"Hmm" say Dick. "Well crapdammit. thanks for lookin into that jakkid. Looks like we will have to find new lead. One day I will catch the meth!" he say to the ceiling.

"Maybe you wont," say me. "Maybe you should give up and focus on BIGGER crimimals!"

"Yeah" said Twilight. "whoever the two people who is doing this is, they are SUPER geniuses and probably will never be caught ever in history of a million years."

"Nnonsense," say Dick and he get off his chair. "Detective Dick America is no quitting machine! I will give up when I am dead!" and he float away back to his ghost bedroom to investigate the crime more.

"oh." said Fluttershy. "great I guess tf2 night is over. Thanks a lot jakkid."

"Hey twilight helped ruin it too!" said me. "anyway Twilight its time to go." but as we was leaving, i accidentally trip on my own head and fell and smashed mine face into the keyboard and accidently open a new tab on Google Firefox on the computer and accidentally went to Zecoras secret meth website and accidentally type in her username and password and all her forum post about meth making came onto the screen.

"Shit!" i say and I cover the screen. "No one look it is secret detective infomation!"

"Detective information?" say Dick and he come back out and look at me. "Whats on the screen jakkid"

"Yeah partner what is you covering up?"

me and Twilight look at each other. "uhhhhhhh. FIMFiction adult section," say me with my quick detective thinking.

"Jakkid I thought you didnt wanna partecepate in our weekly group erortic fanfiction reading," said Dick.

"I DONT!" i shout. "i guess one of you ponies leave the tab open. I am closing it now" and I did that. "Anyway we is leaving now."

"Alright see you," say Dicks. "Let me know if you hear anything else about the metharmpertermern."

~ OUT THE SIDE ~

"that was a close one," I say to Twilight as we walk through the dark alleyway of Ponyville to not look suspicious.

"Yeah it was" say Twilight. "we need to be carful! Thankfully we can now go tell Zecora we throw Dick off the scent, other than th scent of fast food."

"not so fast..." say a voice.

"WHO GO THERE?" I say and i WHIP OUT my dective gun and point it into the shadow. but out walked a pony guy... a pony guy named Mario Soprano!

"Oh its you Mario," I say and im holster my gunn. "Why ar you here? Is your face better?"

"NO!" say Mario. "i HATE you for what you do to my face!"

"Damn that sucks" said me. "oh wait I have a thing for you." and I took his tooth outa my pocket and went to him and shove it back in his mouth. "see good as new"

"no its NOT!" he said. "my face is all half blown off! now i look like TWO FACE from BATMAN! except PONY! even my BROTHER is disgust by me!"

"Luigi?" said Twilight

"NO! i am NOT mario! well i am mario, but not THAT mario! idiot! you two will pay for what you do to me!"

"Oh yeah?" said me chuckingly. "How are you gonna pay us"

He get a biggy grinny. "I am gonna pay a sick practical joke on you two." and he pull out a gun. "Check this shit out" and he shot himself in the face and died.

Twilight look at me. "I dont get it."

"Maybe it is deep joke that take a minute to understand," said me.

JUST THEN a car roll up and Zecora and Canky Doodle Donkey got out! "What are you doing in this place!?" said Zecora. "You two shot mario in the face!" and they BEAT US the FUCK UP and shove us in the car and drive off.

"Ohhhhh" I say. "I get it now."

Comments

[Thought Prism]

'Partner in uncrime' is genius. I mean, so are the rest of the jokes, but that one especially.