Detective jakkid166 Breaks Bad

by jakkid166

Zecora v. Detective jakkid166, 166 EQ 64 (2019)

"Partner what if we get caught partner Partner partner?" said Applejack partner.

"Shh," said Dickmerica. "Do not say words or we wil get caught!" and he peer down from the balcomy and saw Zecora and Phoenix Wright and Cranky in Zecoras lab unboxing a bunch of Courtroom Benches from IKEA and puttin them together for the trial. they were also listenin to music while they were doin it to pass the time, but it was the kind of music that sucked instead of the kind of music that is good.

"These instuctions are hard!" said Crank. "How am I suposed to know what the number B looks like?"

"Yes these instructions they could be easier," said Zecora, "but your music taste could also be Weezier."

"What" said Phoenix while he was puttin together the witness stand. "You like Weezer? what is your favorite album?"

"I like the black and white albums" said Zecora.

"Yeah well I like the blue albium!" said Phoenix.

"I like the Orange album," said applejack.

~ MEANWHIle where twilight and i are walking to the lab ~

"I dont like weezer" I said to Twilight.

~ BACK IN THE LAB ~

Dick SHUSHED applejack and that made the sound of the words she say stop in midair before they reach the ears of the evil drug makers and the only sort-of evil lawyer. "Applejack do you see this shit? Zecora have a secret undergound lab, and Phoenix Wright and some random Donkey are helping! What couldl this be for??"

"Good question partner" said Apple and she see somethin in the distance. "Wait in fucknation." and she GRAB her lasso and she LASSO the thing across the room and brought it to her hoofs. The others didnt notice because they didnt notice. "Hey partner check this out!" and she hand Dick what she had.

it was a name tag that say "SPARKLEBERG"!

"Sparkleberg..." said Dick. "WHO is this mystery person? Applejack we gotta investigate this place more later when no one is here. Then we will have the clues..."

"Heeyaw partner," said Applejacks. "We come back tonight then!"

and the two retreat...... for now............. there is dramatic mystery sound playing in your head now.

July 2th, 1:66 PM
Las Metamfetaminas Hermanas
Meth Court #1

"Meth Court is now in sesion said the Judge" said the Judge. "Is both sides ready?"

"I do your honor," said the Prosecution who is Zecora and Cranky. "Jakkid is a goner."

"The prosecution is ready" said Phoenix. "You may ask me, 'but Phoenix, you are the defense!' But you see, the true job of the defense atorney is to prosecute the idea that my client is guilty. And i say that idea IS guilty... guilty of being a LIE!"

"That makes sense" said the Judge (he knows Phoenix because this is actualy the same judge from the Ace Attorney games.) "Thank you Phoenix for inviting me to Pony Equestria so i could witness your genius lawyer abilities yet again, and also maybe have you give me money to give you a better verdict."

"We wil see if that is necessary Judge," said Phoenix and he turn to me and Twilight. "you guys ready for this? You better put on diapers so you can keep all the shit that you will poop when you see my epic lawyer skills."

"Dont worry I got this" said me "Check this schitt out! I find this lotery ticket under the desk! Now we can all get rich and buy a Courtroom Pardon Pass."

But then I look closer. "Wait... this a FAKE!" and i was dejected and defective and detective.

"HAHA" laughed Cranky. I look over to him. "I put that fake ticket there so you get your hope up and get them dashed before the trial even start!"

"Crankley you stale corn flake! I will shar-"

Zecora CLEAR HER THROAT REALLY LOUDLY. and then she did a slightly diferent sounding throat clear to rhyme with the first one. "Are you done creating irritatement? I need to do my opening statement."

"whoops sorry" said me and I throw the ticket away someplace.

"Go ahead Zecora" said Judge. "Be warned however. Your cases convincingness is determine by how sick your rhymes are."

"Yes sir Judge," and she gave Cranky a nudge. (that count as a rhyme because she did a thing that rhymes with what she said.) "Crankly remember what we discussed? Motherfunkler. Oh shoot, I mis-cussed."

Cranky nodded in a way that means "Yes I will do the thing we discussed once you give the signal that we was agree on."

Zecora blinked "Roger that" in Morse Code, and then she switch to Norse Code for the second part because that rhyme with Morse Code. "Undvik hans hatt."

"Woah" said Cranky and he barely dodge the hat Phoenix throw at him. "Hey youre cheating at Meth Court! Judge, give him Infinite Penalty!"

"ORDER!" shout the judge. "Give Me New Order! Cease your dickering this instant! Prosecutiontution, give your opening statent! DJ, play Blue Monday!"

"Yes yes I will, very well. My favorite act is Penn and Tell." and she clear her throater again to get all of the booger juice out.

"My position is built, on jakkid having guilt.
Those two murder my employee, and that really annoy me.
They wont get away, theyre not that smarting,
all they know is sharting, farting, and mario karting."

"hmm." said Judge. "I give that a strong 6 to a light 7. Good enough, court may continue."

"It look like jakkid and Twilight are Fucked," said Cranky with a smugly smilely on his face.

"OBJECTION!" said Phoenix. "I agree!"

"HEY dont say that!" said me who is giving the Detective motivation. "Use your lawyer skills, like the ones you was used when you saved the world from Manfred von Karma and Eggman and Bowser and Satan in that story a long time ago!"

"Right" said Wrightnix (unrelated to the shipping name). "I jus gotta think back to when I defended the inventor of meth, Methuselah. Zecora, where is your evidense?"

"Do you think I am just having fun?" said Zecora. "The prosecution presents the gun." and she did that. "This is the gun that mario was killed by. And this is the pickle that i am being dilled by." and she take a bite of the pickle to have a snack in court.

"OBJECTION!" shouting Phoenix. "If jakkid used that gun to kill Mario..... then WHY does it not have fingorprints?"

"Thats simple my dude," said Cranky and he present the Tweezers. "We find these at the scene. Jakkid clearly use these to peel his fingerprinters off the gun so no one can find them!"

"Actually that isnt true," said me. "We were gona use that to take all the atoms apart in Cheerilee's dead body to get rid of the body but we used Acid instead." but I only said that loud enough so they would hear that we were using the tweezrs for that but not that we were gettin rid of a dead body.

"What" said Cranky. "You only said that loud enough for us to hear the word "true" so im guessing you were saying what we said is true. Thank you jakkid for admiting to your crime! Including the crime of being a DICK!"

"Wait WHAT" I shout. "YOUR HONOR! the Prosecutione is shoving words into my mouth like the word "dick"!"

"i did NOT shove ANY dick into the defendants mouth!" said The Crankster. "JUDGE! Use your legal powers to change the legal time so that time goes back like 5 minutes so we UNDO this conversation and talk about something else."

"ok" said judge and he officially passed the Equestria Statute of Horse Law amendment #86: "all time is now actually 5 minutes before."

"We were gona use that to take all the atoms apart in Cheerilee's dead body to get rid of the body but we used Acid instead."

then i had a wooghy moment. "Woogh," I said. "Did anyone else just feel like they smoked a fat Drug Cigarette?"

"YOUR HONOR!" said Crankly. "The defemdant is being a shitter and changing the subject to cheat!"

"HEY!" i said. "i do NOT shit! and also I'm not cheateng! It was YOU who change the subject, because you changed the subjmect from "me being a shitter" to "me cheating". Beat that idiot" and the crowd ooh'ed and aah'ed and I got 50 Court Bucks for my pro court move performance.

"Hell yeah" said me and I opened the CourtShop and buyed a Court Mystery Box for 10 Court Bucks.

"Oh HELL yeah!" said Phoeix. "Twilight I heard you just said "Woah what is that?" Just you watch. The Court Mystery Box can contain very valuble resources to a lawyer in need." and he opened it to reveal:

"AHA!" said Phoenix. "I Have Obtained: x1 Evidence Forgery Pass! With this Sick As 20 lbs. Of Shit new powerup you can forge up to 3 evidence with no penalty!"

"Damn that is a lot of shit," said Cranky. "this gonna be dificult Boss," said him. "Heres the deal. This is gonna be harder than pushing a cow throuhg a straw unless the straw is really big. We are gonna have to cross all our i's and dot our T's."

"That is so true man", said Zecora. "But dont worry I have a plan." and she pull out a .44 Magnum and shot Phoenix in the chest 17 times.

"ow" said Phoenix and he died.

"oh NO!" said Twilight. "She use the secret prosecutor trick to win any case!"

"Dang it I hate when people do that" said the Judg. "oh well the law is the law. I pronounce jakkid166 and Twilight Spirkle-"

"WAIT!" said me. EVERYONE in the courtroom gasp and the camera zoom in on my face. "Ladies and gendermen, you ar about to have all your wrinkly brains blown." and I reach under the desk and pull PHOENIX out, who did NOT hav any bullet holes!

"hahaHA you have lost NOW detective jakkid166!" shouted Cranky.

"No actually I have won and you are shocked about this."

"Oh"

"You see," said me, "Since you do bad evil stuff like killing people i figure you wold use court loopholes like killing people to win the case. THERFORE" I say and I pull out PHOENIX from under the desk and he DID hav any bullet holes!

"Thats right" said the not shot phoenoex. "We hire a actor from Los Angelos to impersonate me and get killed instead so we could proove that the prosecution is the REAL criminals!"

"YEAH!" said me. "and I cleverly used my deducive detecting skills to deduce that we did this by remembering that i am the one who thought up the plan up."

"And I also helped" said Twilight but she didn't. Yes she did no she didnt. she did NO SHE D YOU DID NOT HELPI did STOP EDITNG IT pretty please thank you with cherry on top.

"Thanks for the help Actor Guy," said Phoeix.

"No problem thanks for the 4090 Ti," said the Actor Guy's Ghost and he left away.

"Well this change EVERYTHING!" said the Judge.

"they do call me Detective jakkid166 for a reason", say me. "Because my name have a little bit of everyones name in it. It is special and unique thats way... you see, if you change the words "detective" and "jakkid166" into different names then you can change detective jakkid166 into any name!"

"What" said the Judge. "That is not what i was talkin about." and he hold up the fake lotto ticket from earlier. "Check THIS shit out! I am now richer than all of you pocket change... COMBINED! I sentence you all to go fuck yourselfs!" and he left.

"Shit I do not want to do that." said me.

"Hey wait" said Twilght. "Whered the prosecution go?"

"Phoenix looked around." Look! "Phoenix point up the steps"

"Haha you fools!" shout Zecora. "Zecora rules!"

"The only thing you rules is being an idiot," said me. "What make you think I wil let you out of here unarrested?"

"This..." say Zercora and she slam a buton but it did nothing. "Piss." she wham it again and it revealed C4 explositivity paste! Pasted ALLLLLLL over the lab while everone was distracted by the Judge's systemic classism.

She slam the button again and the C4 start beeping. "Bye bye, my guy," she say and run off out tha door into the hallway where there is probably a door outta the place but might also just go to a dead end like the Panda Express in the buildings Food Court.

Phoenix and Twilight and Phoenix and Detective jakkid166 and me all look around at the sheer beepingness of the Devil's Play-doh. "Well..." say me as the beeping speed up. "This is a bad break."

~ WHILE THE MEANWHILE IS HAPPENING ~

"Ahh Equestria cuisine," say Dick America as he take a fat bite outta his Vegan 16 ounce cowboy tomahawk badonkadonk ribeye steak cooked to medium rare and serve with a side of Tums. "it really got a lot bettre when Equestria finally realize that they dont hav to kill other animals for meat when they can just use magic to make it out of nothing instead."

"Yeah sugarcube some people were real mad bout that," say her as she eat her Vegan Tums. "You know these vegan tums taste more better than normal tums partnercube. I love Sexass Loadhouse." twilight that is NOT WHAT SHE SAID

"That is not what that is called......." said Dick. He was distarcted by something however. He was lookin out the window and saw a EXPLOSION across town! the sound didnt get here yet because it was far away.

"Oh SHOOT!" said Dick as he drink some of the butter off his plate. "Las Metanmfemfememanas Hermanas exploded! From an explosion"

"God dang partner!" said applejack. "We gotta get over there fast before we-" BUT THEN the sound FINALLY GOT THERE and it SMAHSHED OUT THE WINDOWS and tons of wind and debree and sound blew in. Dick and Jack cover their ears til it calms down again and the waiter brings them the check.

"OW IN TARTNATION" said Applesjack as she get up off the floor. "DICK are you okay???"

"Im a ghost. So yeah im fine I'm just dead like always."

"Oh okay."

"Wait..." whats this....." Dick look in the debris (wtf thats how its spelled?) and pick up a pieca somethin.......

Dick peer ever closer to the name tag until he remember to read it...... and what it read to him was.......

JAKKENBERG

Comments

[Thought Prism]

Another 11/10 banger of a chapter. My coworkers were concerned by my laughter. From now on I'll always call C4 the Devil's Play-doh.

[Ice Star]

"Ahh Equestria cuisine," say Dick America as he take a fat bite outta his Vegan 16 ounce cowboy tomahawk badonkadonk ribeye steak cooked to medium rare and serve with a side of Tums. "it really got a lot bettre when Equestria finally realize that they dont hav to kill other animals for meat when they can just use magic to make it out of nothing instead."

Part of a nutritious breakfast.