Detectiv jakkid is diagnose with a terminal cold, and so he mus abandon his detective priciples in order to provide for his many friend before he dies. WILL HE DO IT?
In a special story that happened befor The Fall of Detective jakkid166, our favorite detective (me) find himself in a sort of bad situation: He is DYING!
Faced with imminent unaliveness, Detective jakkid must find a way to make sure his friends is provided for before he passses... but what length will he go to to make that hapen? Possibly even a mile length?? Find out in Detective jakkid166 Breaks Bad!
One day, in the ville filled with ponies, which is called Ponyville for some reason, I the detective jakkid166 walked through the streets of dirt and grass breathing in the fresh air that is made from 100% natural oxygen (and it is vegan air too which is good cause ponies dont eat meat.) I was currently arrived at the Schoolhouse to give my tutoring of human culture to the small young ponies of the land. But I was coughing a lot today for some reason, porbably because of the smoke factory that got built next to my house yesterday.
I walked into the door and said to Cheerilee "Okay Cheerilee the School Teacher I am here to give the lesson!"
"Good," said Cheerilee. "Class pleas welcome our celebrity guest star Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world!" and the whole class clapped them hooves and I clear my throat.
"Today class," said me, "I teach you about the wonderfuls of human world. You see, the world I come from is a fantasmic place, where people die a lot and make corupt goverments that pretend to be good."
"ooooooo" the pony kids said in fassination.
I cough into my tie and said "And when you in a world as crimey as mine is, you need someone like a Detective to stop the crime from happening. Who here know what a detective is?"
One pony raise her hoof. "A detectiv is a person who uses a detective gun and is called Detective!"
"That is correct," said me. "You get a golden star!" i said and I threw the star at her and one of the pointy edges stuck in her desk.
"Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world," said a pony children, "Can you show us you detective gun??"
"Very well," said me and I pull it outta my sock pocket. The ponies ooooohed and aaaaahed as it glint in the light. "This is the detective gun! Who want a demostration of how it work?"
"YEEEEEAH" shouted the class.
"Cheerilee can you put that appel on your head?" said me.
"Ok sure" said Cheerilee and she did that. the thing i told her to do
I aim my gun at the apple and said to class "Alright watch this class!" and i was abot to fire but I got distracted by coughing. "COUGH COUGH." and my gun misfired and hit the clock on the wall instead. "Oops sorry I am coughy lately. Let me try again." so I point the gun back again, but then I keep coughing.
I bented 54 degrees forward and coughed a bunch really loud and said "Wow this is really annoying" while I was coughing. I coughed and coughed and coughed and coughed and coughed and fired the gun everywhere until finaly I coughed and a white ball came outa my face.
"Ewwwww" said the class.
"What hell is that?" said me. I was confused because I hadnt eaten any golf balls in weeks
"Detective jakkid you beter go to the doctor!" said Cheerilee who had a buncha bulet holes in her hair.
"Shit"
~ TIME LATER ~
"Detective jakkid166 this is not good," said Dr. Jackass (he is a donkey so the name is fine.) "These white balls you are coughing up, they are tumors!"
"What is wrong with me doctor?" i said as I cough up a tumor onto his desk.
"I am sorry but this is bad. It seem that you have something even worse than the cold you had last week... you hav a TERMINAL cold!"
"SHIT!" said me. "What does this mean??"
"It mean you have like a week to live," said Jackass. "You better get you shit together. Write your will and sign up to donate your detective organs. And make sure you friends are provided for, just not by cooking meth or something. Don't do that"
"FUCK!" I shout and I put my head in my hands. "I cannot beleve this... how will I solve crimes when I am not alive??"
"I dunno," said Doctor. "But dont worry I am also a funeral holder guy! I can look at my schedul to see when I can hold you funeral for the town."
"Fine," said me. "But I need to say goodbye to my frends first..."
"Thats fine," said him. "But can you try to die on friday? That is the only day I'm not booked."
~ # MINUTES LATER ~
"NOOOOOO!" shouted Twilight sparkel.
"I know," said me. "It is sad."
"What" said Twilight. "Sorry I just died in Binding of Isaac. What were you saying?"
"im dying twilight."
"Oh fuck," said her. "Thats not good either! How cold this happen?!"
"I dont know," said me. "But I need to make sure you all ar provided for before I pass on to the Detective Heaven."
"You right," said Twilight. "But how will we do that? I am broke as shit after that vacation in Pony Vegas."
"Yes," said me, "And the odd of winning the lottery right now are 1 in 14,000,000 instead of 1 in 13,999,999 so its too risky. We need a better way of to get money."
"Hmm." said Twi. "Wait I have an idea."
"What is it"
"I can only tell you if you Detective promise not to arrest me! And Detective promise is legally binding."
"Fine," said me. "Now show me"
Twilight walk me down to her basement. we were in a hurry so twilight pushed me down the stairs and i fell down the like 30 steps and crashed at the floor. I got up and saw this was Twilights Lab, filled with lotsa science stuff like beakers and blowtorches and meth.
"Wait what" said me. "Twilight why do you have METH?"
"Like I said jakkid I am broke," said her. "And jobs is scarce here. So I need to get money to stay alive somehow!"
"But Twilight this is bad!" said me.
"Yeah but im a princess so I can do what I want."
"Oh good point." said me. "But Twilight are you suggest that we cook meth to get money to provide for you guys??"
"Well we also could Rob a bank."
"Hmm true but we dont know anyone named Rob." said me.
"Then we do this instead!"
"Okay fine," said me and I point at the camera. "It look like it is time for me to Break Bad!" and my hair fall out and I grow a mustache and goatee and Twilight did the same thing.
Twilight john Sparkle and me the detective jakkid166 who is now bald (not geneticaly) were in the based ment of her house, cooking together tha ingredients to turn notmeth into meth.
"This is perfect partner ship," said me while I put a ingredient. "You know the cemistry stuff, and I know the important things."
"Rember," said Twilight, "Meth has THREE spoon fuls of sugar, not 2."
"Oh right" I say and I set my gun to "sugar remove" and shoot it at the meth to remove th extra sugar I put in. "We are gonna make the best meth in the hisryory of Ponyville!"
"Yes" said Twilight. "I think the ingredients are ready now." and she pour the ingerdients into the Meth Pan and put it in the oven and set the oven to bake at 400 F for 15 minutes. and then she pulled the button to start the Cooking.
"So twilight how did you get into methery?" said me.
"I watche this show on TV about a High School Chemistry teacher who get lung cancer and have to cook meth to provide for his family. its called Metastasis"
"Oh cool." I didnt know wat else to talk about so I just kept saying "oh cool" over and over again for th next 15 minutes until it was done.
Twilight grabba the meth outta the oven and cut it into slices. And then she dice up the meth with her julien machine and ate a piece to taste test. "MMMM that taste so good!"
"Hell yea" said me and I cough out another tumor and it went in Twilights oven. "Oops"
~ At LEAST 1 MINUTE LATER BUT LESS THAN 3000 OF THEM ~
"So Twilight how do we sell the meth?" said me as we use our legs to make orselfs move forward through ponyville (called walking).
"Like this," say Twilight and she knock on the door of a pony house. The pony who open the door was Cheerilee, the schooled teacher. She brushed the bulet holes out of her hair from before and said
"Hello Twilight jakkid166 the greatest friendship princess detective in the world. It is nice to see you! What the fuck do you want"
"We are sellin meth door to door," said Twilight. "Five dollar a pound. You want some? IF we sell enough we get a special patch for it"
"Sure" said Cheerilee. "Teacher life is stressful." and she gave us five bucks and we hand her the meth, and she pourd it into a bowl with milk and ate it. "Damn thats good stuff!"
"Yes" said Twilight. "We got more if you want more. We are meth masters."
"Sure come inside and I wil buy more." so we went into the house of Cheer Lee and sat on her couch, but then all of a sudden she pull a GUN on us! "You bitches I bet you is cops!"
"WHAT?" said Twilight. "Cheerilee what is your shit? We would nevar be cops!"
"OH yeah?" said Cheerilee and she look a me. "Detective jakkid166, tell me your name!"
"Detective jakkid166"
"AHA!" said her. "I KNEW it! you are a DETECTIVE! You bitches think you can arrests me?? I'll make bullets come out of my gun and go into you (called shooting you)!"
"WAIT" said me. "Do not kill us! You like my meth right? If I show you how to make it then you let us live please? Pretty please with cherry on top?"
"Fine," said Cheerilee and we go into her kitchen. We went in the pantry and grab the meth ingredietns and bring them to the stove. I turn on the pot and let it heat. While we waited Cheerilee pulled out her phone and postd on her blog about the new good meth.
"Hahaha" said Cheerilee. "When i lern to make meth THIS good I can sell it to all the children for their lunch money! And also I plan to kill you anyway after this but ignore that part"
"Ok," said me and I pick up the ingredients to start. But, little did she know............ the ingredient i picked up was EXPLODING POISON GAS POWDER! and i THREW it in the pan and it explode in our face and distracted her so I grabed Twilight and ran ouitside and lock the door and I hold the door shut.
"Hoyle shit!" said Twilight. "That was quick thinking jakkid." but then BULLETS shot through the door and missed us.
"FUCK!" said me and I keep holdin the door shut until it all quiet down. when it was quieted I finaly open the door and saw Cheerilee was now on the ground and not moving or breathing (called being dead).
"Aw shit," said Twilight. "We killd the only teacher in ponyville. Now all the kids are gonna be stupid"
"Forgit that!" said me. "I cannot beleve we commit murer! Detective jakkid166 is called a pacifist, I do not kill life!"
"It was self defese jakkid," said Twilight. "Now come on we gota get rid of the body somehow! Dont worry I have a lota experience with this."
"Fine" said me and we went back inside (Cheerily has good air conditioning so its safe now).
~ MEANED WHILE ~
My ghost cousin detective Dick America sat on his chair of relax within his ghost house while he play on his ghost computer and ate ghost macaroni. Recently his window broke from nothing happening to it so he was payin Applejack to fix it for him.
"How is it coming, Jappleack?"
"All done!" said Applejack but then she broke the new window she just instaled. "Aw fuckapples."
"Dont worry," said Dick. "I am the nice detective so I don't get mad. If at first you dont succeed, try again. Unless its tax evasion."
"Wait" said Applejack when she look at her phone. "What on yeehawnation? Oh no Dick, look at this!"
Dick grab the phone and look at it. "Oh dang," said him. "Cheerilees blog says theres a new meth in Ponyville?! I cannot stand for this!" and he satted up outta his chair. "I, Dicked America, swear on this day that I will catch whoever is making this precious methous!"
"Yeah and I'll help too I guess partner yeehaw." said Applejack.
"Okay dokay," said Twilight as she swept her hooves together. "Now we have to figure out a way to make Cheerilee's body invisible because of not existing. We need to figure out the best and most eficient way to get rid of it."
"Well this shits the fuck," said me while I was poking the body. "The body is made up of like billions of atoms, how ar we supposed to get rid of em all?"
"Well, there are two ways," said Twi. "We can either 1: use tweezers to take all the atoms out of the body one by one, or 2: dissolve the body in hydrocloric acid."
"The second one sound like too much trouble," said me, "But however I do not own tweezers. So therfore we must use the acid."
"Okay then," said Twilight. "But ar you sure you know what youre doing? Hydrocloric acid is very dangerous."
"Dont worry," said me. "I got dis. After all, you cant spell hydrojakkid166cloric acid without jakkid166."
~ At the Acid Store ~
I pulled up my car to the register of Acid Mart. "Excuse me the detective jakkid166," said me.
The register pony looked up from his crossword puzzl and said "Yeah what do you want?"
"Do you have any acid that is good for disolving bodies?"
"What the fuck?" said the pony. "Why does you want that? Are YOU gonna disolve a body?!"
"No," I say. "Thats the 4th vertical question on that crossword."
"OH!" he said and he looked at it. "Youre right!" and he wrote "yes" in that column. "Thanks detective jakkid166."
"No problem," said me and with this new infomation I bought all the body dissolving acid in the store.
~ IN THE MEAN OF WHILE ~
"Have you found any clues yet Applejack?" said Dick America as he used his margenifying glass to magnify his eyes really big so Applejack could tell he was lookin at her to make eye contact and was talking to her, becaus he is a considerate person.
"Nothin yet portner," said Apple as she sniff the ground. "This dirt got no scent other than dirt scent."
"Dang," said Dick. "I am sure it is very well sented dirt but it does not help us."
"Maybe we shold look some other place other than the Dirt Store."
"No," said Dickmerica, "Dirt is one of tha most essential ingredients in Methamphemeamean. We must investigate to see who have been here in recent times." so Dick went up to the front counter to speak to the Cashier Pony. "Exsqueuse me ma'a'am, do you have a second? Or a minute? Or an hour"
"Yessire bob Mr. Ghost Man," said the cashier. "May I interest you in a Boquet of Dirt for your lover? We have only the best scents."
"I am afraid not," said Dicks and he put his fist to his chest in reminescence. "I had a lover one time ago, but it was not to be."
"Oh Im sorry I will put it away. Is there-"
"Her name was Sara N. Wrap."
"I am sorry for your loss. What-"
"It was a Tragic Event," said Dick. "It was a day like any other. She and I was on one of th most romantic events possible, a seasonic vacation ocean cruise to Kansas. It was going so well, we wer finally about to hug for the first time on our one year anniversary. But it was a cruise of chaos... as a waiter slipped on an ice cube and the ice cube flew up and hit the fire alarm and set it off and it startled her and made her jump but she acidentally held forward while jumping and she fell off the ship into the perilos waters never to be seen again."
"Oh no." said the cashier pony. "That is awful."
"Thankfully she wa rescued by a friendly Great White Shark, who kept her safe by swallowing her and keeping her in his belly. The shark swam onto the ship and walked over onto the deck and took the elevator up and met with us. The shark tried to stick its middle flipper finger in its throt to throw her up! But... it didnt work because sharks dont have gag reflexes, so she was doomed."
"Oh no."
"However she did not know that the shark actualy had Good Intentions. Therefore this made her reach into her purse and pull out her self defense spray, which was a M249 Light Machine Gun that sprayed bullets. She fired it everywher and made a hole to get out of the shark and she was alive! But it also sucked cause the shark died. She was then arrested by some Shark Cops who came onto the ship and tried her in Shark Court and she was executed in the Shark Electric Chair."
"That sucks," said the pony. "Are you done now?"
"Not yet. 15 seconds after her exemecution she was exonerated because it turn out what tipped it to death penalty was because a shark cop planted methamneatamine on her. The sharks also forgot that water conduct electricity so when they execute her it also killed 3 other shark cops in the room with her so it was big PR nightmare for the shark police department. They did not get in trouble though because they were the ones investigating themselfs. For this, I wil never forgive Meth, and I will take down whoever bringing it to our precious methless town!"
"WOOOO PARTNER" clapped Applejack at the story. "Got one question though. If she died and youre both ghosts now cant you date now as ghosts?"
"What" said Dick and he looked at her. "Holy shit. Youre right" and he grab his phone to dial in a number
"Wait portner! What about the investigation?"
"Oh right," said dick and he turn to the cashier for a second. "Have you seen anyone in here buyin meth-making dirt recently?"
"Yea, some dude with glasses bought some yesterdey."
"Sweet thanks."
~ LATER LATER CHICKEN TATER ~
"Well that disolving process was a long and painful process that was definitely not good for people to see in a T rated story," said me. "Since this will have a T rating once i write about it on Fimfiction later after all this happened."
"Yeah but what are we gonna do with this big barrel of acid and blood and air freshener to keep the scent clean?" said Twilight balancing on top rolling it on the ground as we walk through town.
"Hmm we should probably sell it to someone who needs acid and blood and air freshener to keep the scent clean," said me. "Maybe Fluttershy would- OW" i OWed as we bumped into none other than DICK AMERICA and APPLEJACK!
"Oh hey what is up my dude Detective jakkid166 the other greatest detective in the world!" said Dick. "And hi Twilight. What are you doin?"
"Oh uh" said me. "I am helping Twilight practice her barrel balancing classes."
"Sweet," said Dick. "Now I have to say the thing I meant to say at first but accidentally didnt. Woah holy shit jakkid youre bald now? And have a mustache and goatee?? And you too Twilight Sparkle???"
"Uhhhh" said me. "Yep. This my new look. I had a small accident in the kitchen where I tryed to light a candle but it was actually Dynamite and it blew all the hair off my head. However I am not used to my head being lighter cause of no hair so I grew face hair. It is convenient tho cause now when I wash my head I can just go to it in tha bowling ball polishing machine at the bowling alley and it is pristine and shiny."
"I see," said Dick. "It is a look. You are definitely bald. Its a change in you physical appearance, and it is on your head. Wait-" he cut himself off and peer at the barrel. "Is this BLOOD? and ACID?"
"And air freshener to keep the scent cl-" said Twilight but I cover her mouth.
"Ah no," said me. "This is food coloring to turn the town fontain red. The mayor want to celebrate halloween early this year. Or late, whatever it is right now."
"Oh cool" said Dick "Typical good heart jakkid doing service for the community. Keep up the good work" and he keep going away with applejackle.
"God that was a close fuck," said me. "We almost got caughted."
"Yea," said Twilight as she kick the barrel over to roll into the fountain and fall in and the water turned all red and startd dissolving all the money in the fountain. The parent ponies started gaspin and keeping they kid ponies away from the fountain. "that was TOO close."
"The heat may close in on us one day," said me. "You know what we need?"
"YES A LAWYER" said me while the Twilight and the me walked through the Ponyville. "Lawyer does not sound like a word now. But anywaey we need Legal Repesentation who can give us good defense in court if we get caught, and will hav Convincing Arguments for the judge. Like a big bag of money."
"But jakkid dont you have a law degree?" said Twilght. "Rember when you defended youself in Detective jakkid166 Go Equestria Now?"
"I do," said me "But my lawyer rates are high and we canot afford me. So we need to find another person who is cheap but good. And if my memory is remembing me correctly, I think I know just the place..."
we Stepped Right Up to the local castle (not twilights but the kind that lawyers have.) and lowered the drawbrige and went inside. At the fronted room we saw a multiple people who were waiting for appoitment, and they look a lot like the needed lawyers because they kept saying "Wow I Really Need a Lawyer" out loud.
We methed up to the receptionist and I say to her "Okay pony person we need to see the guy."
she look up at us from her game of The Sims on her computer which I noticed with mine detective skills that she was usin Cheat Engine to get infinite sim money. "Do you have a appointment?"
"Hm...." I said no. "Yes"
"Name and date of birthday?"
"Detective jakkid166." said me. "And February 29th"
"What year?"
"Some years."
"hmmmm" said the receptionist "I do not see your name on the list"
"Can I triple check?" said me "Maybe you are actualy blind and never noticed that you are blind."
"Oh good point." and she hand me the list and i ran outside to grab a pen from my detective car and scribbled out some random people called "Detective jakkid166 and Twilight Sparkle" and wrote my and Twilights names on it and ran back inside and gave her the list. "See they are there!"
"Hmm" said the Pony. "I am suspicos but I also dont know how to read so I will believe you. Go ahead next" and she pulld the lever to make us fall into the Lawyer Lair.
I got up off mine feet and we saw we was in a room that was made of Law. There is was laws written all over tha walls and the back wall had a picture of Equestrias constitution and there was a DVD copy of th show "Suits" on the lawyer desk. The lawyer chair turned around and reveal who await us...
"It has been a long time Detective jakkid166," said the man.
"Yes it has, Phoenix." said me.
"WAIT" said Twillight Sparker. "Pheonix Wright?? What ar you doing here, lawing in Equestria?"
"Well." said Phoenix "After my last case here I am have decided I can make MORE profits by being a lawyer here AND earth. Two worlds of law means double money! And then I can finaly afford to buy a HD-DVD player." and he look at me. "You wold know this if detective jakkid166 ever bother to finish Phoenix Wright Ace Equestria."
"It is not my fault my stories have more coolerism and adventurfication than yours" I said smuggingly. "Like my curent adventure, which is making meth."
"Meth??" said Phoenix. "What the hot dick shit jakkid? What are you thinking? That is bad and- wait one second" and he reached into him pockets and took an Adderall.
"Come on Phoen ix," said me, and I becan to use my famed Detective Logic. "You see, adderall is a chemical, and it is also a medicine. Methamphertamen is also a chemical, so it must also be a medicine."
"hmmm" said Phoenix "That make sense....."
"And also" said me "unlike real medicine makers we do not charge $10000 per dose for people in desprate need of their medecation!"
"HMMM thats true....." said phoenix. "but I only defend people who are Innocent."
"And that is my last point," said me. "breaking the law doesnt count if you do it for a Noble Purpose."
"What is you noble purpose?"
"Money"
"Damn good point!" said phoex. "So all your smartness did NOT go away with your hair. Ok jakkid, you need my serveces? I will help you and maybe also do illlegal stuff that cold get me disbarred and put in prison jail. Becaus that is my motto: Better Fight Wright! The motto make sense cause somtimes I beat the prosecutors in court with Advanced Tactics, like punching them in the face."
"That is exactly the lawyring skill we need!" said Twi. "And if you can murder people too that will also help"
"We will see," said Phoenix."but what do you need right now?"
"We need to know how to get tha DEA off our trail!" said me. "or whatever the Equestria DEA is called. Selling the meths door to door will not raise monay fast enough to provide for my friends before i die of the Terminal Cold or get caught and put in Meth Jail." i said and i coughed a bunch and another tumor shot outa my mouth and landed in the trash. "We need a biger distributor, someone to sell our meth to lotsa people and with special deals like for Black Friday and stuff. Like Best Buy but it is Meth Buy."
"Hmmmmm," said phoenix as he type this into google. "Hmmmm. HMMMMMM. hmmmmmmmmyes yes hmm yes I see. I think I know who for you to talk to."
"Who?"
~ THE DAY BEFORE TOMORROW ~
"This is stupidity," said me. "Why would phoeix have us go to a Fast Food restaurant? it wasnt even a drug one like MethDonalds or Burger Kingpin or Weednerschnitzel."
"Yeah this place is just called Las Metanfetamina Hermanas. What do that have to do with drugs?"
"I dont know but i broghut a secret weapon to protect us if any Funny Business happen," I said and I pull out a bag of meth.
"how will that protect us" said Twilight?
"Youll see. Anyway this burger looks good." said me and I took a bite of it but then I remember this is pony world and they dont eat meat and so the burger was made of tofu and dirt. I entered Sadness Mode.
suddenly a Someone walked up to our table. "I trust my food is to your liking? I exercise with weekly biking"
I looked up at the who it was. "Zecora! You are the owner of here?"
"Yes that is true I make burgers," said Zecora. "And fries and coke and frankfurters."
"That is great!" I said "Your food taste like crap but you found a market to appeal to: people wit no taste buds." and I took another bite of the burger. "But I also cant stop eating it for some reason."
"Yes that is because of the meth," say Zecora. "Here have a mint for your breath"
"Whaaaaat"?! said Me and Twilight. "Woah you put meth in your food,... that must meeeeean.... YOU are the one for us to meet?"
"Yes that is correct-a-roo." said zecora. "but I will not hire you two"
"WHAT?" said me I shouted in the middle of the restarant. "Why will you not let us cook meth for you?! Is it because I say your food sucks"
"No I know it sucks," said Zecora "But you will not make me Big Bucks."
"Yes we WILL!" said Twilight "We make the best meth ever made in the history of my basement! It is so PURE that its actually good for you"
"Thats right" said me. "we make only 100% natural grass fed meth."
"I think ass-fed is more right," said her. "It may be pure but is it tight?"
"Tightest meth evr tightened!"
"Hmmmm," said zecora. "Bmmmm." "Wasted skill I do detest. But to work here you must pass test."
"What test?" I say.
"Come with me to the back room. I like race cars they go vroom"
so we went into tha room but we also know we would be Vulnterable if we follow her in, so we had to think fast to maneuver ourself! so i DASHED to the kitchen and grabbed a toaster and and then SMASHED the window with it and then I went out the back door and climbed into the window of the restaurant and then followed Zecora to the back room.
We got sat down in front of a desk that was made of desk wood. "Heh she doesent suspect a thing Twilight" I said and I thumbs upped at her and she tried to do back but she couldnt because she was born without thumbs unlike most ponies.
"Cranky can you shut the door? Doom is rated M for Gore." said Zecora.
I turn around and saw Cranky Doodle Donkey who didnt say anything but shut the door and standed there are crankily and doodily and donkily.
Zercora reach into her briefcase and pulledout a pony and sit him in the chair. "This is Mario Soprano, one of my worker. You pass the test if your meth make him berserker."
"Mario Soprano?" I look at him. "You are italian?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Wait," say Twilght. "Are you Mario from the Mario games?"
"No" said him. "i am the other person in the world named mario."
"Hes not lying" said me. "I met mario. He is not a pony. He might be a meth dealer too though who knows."
"No time for wasting, time for meth tasting." said Zecora.
"Fine" I say and I take out my meth bag and throw it on the table. "I know you is high profile people so I use the double zipper ziploc bags."
"Hehehehe," said Mario. "HAHAHAHA!"
"You see?" said me. "our meth so good, when he took it in the future, it make him get high in the past!"
"Wrong jakkid," said Mario. "You have been lure into a trap, and the trap is shut on you. Right Boss?" he said and he look at her with victory and smugg.
"Huh what? Trap shut?" she say. "Oh right, we're doing that. Yes, both your pants must be shat!"
"What is the meaning of your idioting?" I de-manded.
"You have learn my secret life!" said Zecora. "Now you must die from a knife!" and Cranky pull out a knife and walk up to us.
"Woah wait we wont tell anyone!" said Twilight. "Your Meth will stay a sercet forever no one ever know about, like Watergate!"
"Sorry jakkid and Twilight," said Cranky. "We gotta do this."
"Hahaha you are idiots," said Mario. "Not only you went in here where no one can hear you screeam like in outer space, but you also bring us free meth!"
Just then a lightbulb go off in my head. I stand up.
"You got one part of that wrong."
"What" said everyone. "Nut" said Zecora.
I reach down to the meth bag and pullout a piece. "This... is not meth."
"?" said Mario.
and i THREW the meth piece across the room! it SOAR all the way to Mario's face and HIT HIM on the NOSE and it
bounced off and landed on the desk.
"uh" said Mario. "Why did you do that"
"That" said me "was. suposed to do something."
"I think he really wants you to try it" said Cranky. "Mighight as well. Its only fair since we're gonna kill them."
"Yeah fine I guess." I watch as Mario grab the piece... he pop it into his mouth, and crunch.
BFOOOOM
"AAAAAGH" screams were heard and everones ears rung like hellheck and i cough until the dust and smoke start to clear.
Everything clear up to reveal the room in mess, and Mario Soprano at th desk, sittin there in shock with him face all black with soot and explosion.
"What the fuck was that?" said Cranky. "What did-" But he was Cutted Off by zecora.
"Your meth so good his face blew up!" said her in shockprise. "To not hire you would be screw up!"
"if anyone need me I am going to be at the hospital." said Mario and he leaved out of the room.
"Huh." said I. "That works I guess"
"Hey jakkid I think one of his teeths got stuck in your forhead," said Twi.
"Oh thanks." and I pulled it out and putted it in me pocket.
she wispered to me "what was that stuff if its not meth?"
i whisper back "tylenol"
but suddenley I hear shouting and screeming outside. "Wait is that cause of the expolsion? I thougt you say this room is soundproof."
"It is." said Cranky "I think we mightev soundproofed it backwards on acident though."
"So Applejacks, how close do you think we's are to solvering this mystery?" said Dick America who was floating like the ghost he is leading the two through Ponyville huntin for those special detective things called "clues" that only detectives like me and Dick know about. And also Applejack.
"Yeehaw partner you're rootin tootin my sasparilla in the cowpoke," said Applejack. "That means yes"
"Well we have a goodish lead," said Dick. "See we have the clue that the Meth Making Dirt was buyed by a guyed with glasses. How many peopel do we know who have glasses?"
"Well Parter there is Detective jakkid166," said the Apple.
"Hey now do not say such thing to the face of my head!" said Dick. "Detecive jakkid is a Big detective who would never commit the crime of meth. Theres nothing that point to him other than that clue. And the barrel he and Twilight was pushing. And them both becoming bald and have facial hairs."
"Well sorry partner" said Applejack. "It is just a theeeeory."
"A lame theory" said dick. "Wait sorry thats mean I do not mean to snap at you. I am just frustrate because of all the meth that has spread its way into the ponyville..." and he look at the effects it was having on town. It looked normal but there was some pony who was listenin to Larry the Cable Guy stand up comedy so there is good chance they were high on meth.
Just then a PONY ran up to them. "HEY other greatest detectiv in the world Dick America and also pony named Applejack! Come quik, theres a explosion at the Las Mentamfetaminas hermanas!"
"What kind of explosion?" ask Dick.
"The kind that go BOOM!"
"Damn that is the bad kind! Quick take us there at once please sir!"
When they get there they see the restaurant, and it look horrible... it was too much of a bad sight for them to bear... it was paintd bright lime green.
"That is a weeird color choice." said Dick. "Whoever own this building is probably a Scout main in Team Fortres 2."
The two walk up to the En Trance where theyre was reporters interveewing Zecora about the explosion in her restarant. They shove their cameras in her face and shove the micro phone in her mounth just like they do when they interview me for being worlds famous detective! it is very annoying, Detective life has many ups and downs.
"Zercora what can you tell us about how this wil affect your competing with KFC?" said one of them.
"Kentucky Fried Cocaine is shat," said Zecora. "One explosion wont change that."
"Zebra!" said Dick and he hold up him ghost detective badge to wave the reporters off way. "Im detective Dick America and this is my partner in uncrime, Applejack. Can I ask you about what happen here?"
"Everyone have questions for me," said Zecora. "I tell them all the same story."
Dick look at Applejack. "Why is she rhyming?"
"I dunno partner that is just how she talk." said Appeljack. "Maybe she is a rapper like Eminem"
"Uh huh okay." dick Turn back to Zecora. "Okay so whats the Scoop?"
"I'll make it short cause I am tired," said her. "Someone drop ice in the deep fryer."
"I see." said Dick writing it down in his notes app on his ghost detective phone. "Do they not know you have to freeze the ice before you fry it?"
"I will rember that next time!" said her. "Look at my place its painted lime."
"Hey partner I have question about dat!" said Apple. "Whys your place paint Lime? Thats not even the colore of meth, which everypony know is blue."
"Hahaha Applejack," said Dick laughing laughingly. "Whats meth gotta do with this?"
"Well uh partner, the name is Las Metanfetaminas Hermanas."
"Yea and so?"
"Metamfetaminas is spanish for Metharmphertamen. Didyou not know that partner!"
"Shit!" said Dick. "I dont speak spanish so I didnt know that and also jakkid doesnt either so its also not his fault for not knowing. Applejack you are genius for bring this to light!" and he recorded it to his youtube vlog for later.
"But wait partener," said jackapple. "Whys your restaurant named after spanish meth?"
"It is not a cause for shame," say Zecora. "Metamfetaminas is my last name."
"Wow that makes sense!" said Dick but he lean really in close to Applejacks ear and said "No it doesnt."
"Yeah youre right its weird," said Applejack out loud
"Well Zecora thanks for you time," said Dick. "We definitely believe everything you telled us. We wil absolutely not investigate further. Good luck with your insurance claim and stuff cool thanks bye." and he and Applejack left.
Zecora became a face of evil and drama and contemt and forbodingly said "They are on to me, I must put stop to this. But first I'll go pee, which is also called piss."
~ WHEANMILE ~
"Ahh this is the life" I said as i stir the Meth Brew in the gigantic pot with twiligh. we was working in Zecora's secret undergroumd meth labortory underneath her restarant.
"It sure is," said Twilght while she start to pour in the Blue Raspberry flavoring. "All the meth and money we want and we wil never get caught because we are smart and brain."
"They even give me a cool name tag where Im get to choose my own cool secret fake name to keep mine identity secret," I say and I show the tag to twilight and it say "JAKKENBERG". "And its made of invincible so it cant get destroyed from thing like fire and explosions!"
"Yeah me too" said Twilight and hers say "SPARKLEBERG". "But Mr. Jakkid what wil you do when we have made enough money?"
"I will retire and pass away into the Detective Heaven where they finaly made a Ace Attorney Investigations 3 game," I say. But just as I was thinkin about it... IN burst the Zecora from the upstair balcony!
"HEY you idiots pay attention to me!" she said. "OR i take away your nintendo wii!"
"NO!" I say as I return a serve to Twilight in wii sports tennis. "It help us relieve the stress of the Life of Criminality."
"Then you better listen well, or else I put you in hell! Your dumb dick cousin is on to me, stop him or you pay the fee!"
"what is the fee"
"It will be DEATH! Now make more meth" she said and left.
"Shit thats a big fee!" said me. "But also FUCK! This bad! If we dont stop the Dick of America to not find out about Zecoras meth business she will kill us! And also him probabley!"
"Oh no," say Twilight. "my Science Brain have a hypothesis: that this is bad. jakkid maybe we is in too over our heads! If we get caught then it wil be even worse for you because you are detective. Maybe you should quit detective job so it do not conflict with mething."
"WHAT?" said jakkid. "My detectiving skill is what help me deduce how to get the methiest meth there ever methed! if I quit that job, I wil go out of practice and become sucking. And then how will all you afford your Caviar and wagyu steak? No, the meth must go on!" I take my meth hoodie off and start to go out to fix problems.
"But jakkid is it worth dyin for?" said Twilight. "Jesus die on the cross for your sins, not for meth. Besides, how can you beet Zecora when she has such sick rhyme? You have to admit Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world, you are in deep shit!"
I turn around back to her. "Who are you saying words to now? Who is it you think has your words going in his ear?"
"Well there is no one else here." said twilight.
"Do you know what happen if I stop detectiving?" said me. "A BIG number of BIG criminals BIG enough to read with your eyes get away with it. Equestira falls to crime. Ponyville ruled by ponies who do Evil Deeds like stealing and underage drinking and music piracy."
"But you pirated the last Gorilaz album."
"Irrelevent. No, you cleerly dont know who you are talking to so let me first-class deliver the infomation to you in the envelope called 'talking'. I am not in deep shit, Twilight, i AM the deep shit. A guy knocks on a door and gets shot when he knocks, and you think that is me? no. I am the one who KNOCKS."
"YEAH!" said twilight who was inspire by the motivational speech. "and i am the DOOR!"
"Thats the spirit!" say me. "Now lets us go solve this problemo as Equestrias best crime fighting (and crime making) team!"
~ AT THE HOUSE OF AMERICA ~
"Im gonna kill you so hard you will die from it Applejack!" said Dick.
"Not if I kil you first Partingner," said Apple.
but then Rarity walked in and killed them both with a Minigun.
"Dammit who turn mp_friendlyfire on??" said Rain Bowdash as she slam the keybored. "You are not gonna capture the point in this Team Fortress 2 LAN party if you dumasses keep shooting each other in spawn!"
and Rainbow and Rarity and Pinkie capture the point and Dick and Applejack and Fluttershy lose the game. "Dammit," said Dick. "I would say a thing right now but i might get cut off by-" but then he was cut off by the door being knocked!
Dick Dicked over to the door and open it to see none other than Twilight and me standin there. "See I told you I was the one who knocks" said me to Twilight.
"Finally you two are here we are losing bad!" said Dick. "Quick jakkid go Medic we hav a chance still!"
"No time for that now" I say. "We need to cook. I mean not cook. I mean cook but not meth. Food, we cook food. And also conversation about Zecora place."
"I am prety hungry," said Dick. "for information. Come in, drink some my finely aged coffee or eat some of my finely aged milk."
"Thank you" I said sittin on couch and taking a bite of milk. "Dick we ar here to tell you that you are Barkin up the wrong tree."
Dick sit in his chair. "Damn that is a cool new detective idiom you just come up with just now that no one has ever said before. Whats it mean though"
"It means," say Twilight, "We already investigate Zecora! She is innocent of Everything and All. She has never cook meth, hired anyone named Mario, or even tried to murder us for discovering her secret mething identity."
"Thats right," said me. "and she does NOT use MSG in her food." (she actualy does and theres nothing wrong with that but some people are silly and think msg is bad when its not realy.)
"Is zat really true Partner?" said Applejack. "She was actin mightily suspilicious yesterday or today or whenever we talk to her."
"Yep so you dont need to keep investigate her," say me. "Maybe inestigate Princess Celestia though. her fur is white like cocaine so she might be good lead. Or maybe she takes bath in bleach every day I dont know."
"Yeah maybe thats what I do," say Rarity.
"Hmm" say Dick. "Well crapdammit. thanks for lookin into that jakkid. Looks like we will have to find new lead. One day I will catch the meth!" he say to the ceiling.
"Maybe you wont," say me. "Maybe you should give up and focus on BIGGER crimimals!"
"Yeah" said Twilight. "whoever the two people who is doing this is, they are SUPER geniuses and probably will never be caught ever in history of a million years."
"Nnonsense," say Dick and he get off his chair. "Detective Dick America is no quitting machine! I will give up when I am dead!" and he float away back to his ghost bedroom to investigate the crime more.
"oh." said Fluttershy. "great I guess tf2 night is over. Thanks a lot jakkid."
"Hey twilight helped ruin it too!" said me. "anyway Twilight its time to go." but as we was leaving, i accidentally trip on my own head and fell and smashed mine face into the keyboard and accidently open a new tab on Google Firefox on the computer and accidentally went to Zecoras secret meth website and accidentally type in her username and password and all her forum post about meth making came onto the screen.
"Shit!" i say and I cover the screen. "No one look it is secret detective infomation!"
"Detective information?" say Dick and he come back out and look at me. "Whats on the screen jakkid"
"Yeah partner what is you covering up?"
me and Twilight look at each other. "uhhhhhhh. FIMFiction adult section," say me with my quick detective thinking.
"Jakkid I thought you didnt wanna partecepate in our weekly group erortic fanfiction reading," said Dick.
"I DONT!" i shout. "i guess one of you ponies leave the tab open. I am closing it now" and I did that. "Anyway we is leaving now."
"Alright see you," say Dicks. "Let me know if you hear anything else about the metharmpertermern."
~ OUT THE SIDE ~
"that was a close one," I say to Twilight as we walk through the dark alleyway of Ponyville to not look suspicious.
"Yeah it was" say Twilight. "we need to be carful! Thankfully we can now go tell Zecora we throw Dick off the scent, other than th scent of fast food."
"not so fast..." say a voice.
"WHO GO THERE?" I say and i WHIP OUT my dective gun and point it into the shadow. but out walked a pony guy... a pony guy named Mario Soprano!
"Oh its you Mario," I say and im holster my gunn. "Why ar you here? Is your face better?"
"NO!" say Mario. "i HATE you for what you do to my face!"
"Damn that sucks" said me. "oh wait I have a thing for you." and I took his tooth outa my pocket and went to him and shove it back in his mouth. "see good as new"
"no its NOT!" he said. "my face is all half blown off! now i look like TWO FACE from BATMAN! except PONY! even my BROTHER is disgust by me!"
"Luigi?" said Twilight
"NO! i am NOT mario! well i am mario, but not THAT mario! idiot! you two will pay for what you do to me!"
"Oh yeah?" said me chuckingly. "How are you gonna pay us"
He get a biggy grinny. "I am gonna pay a sick practical joke on you two." and he pull out a gun. "Check this shit out" and he shot himself in the face and died.
Twilight look at me. "I dont get it."
"Maybe it is deep joke that take a minute to understand," said me.
JUST THEN a car roll up and Zecora and Canky Doodle Donkey got out! "What are you doing in this place!?" said Zecora. "You two shot mario in the face!" and they BEAT US the FUCK UP and shove us in the car and drive off.
"You in big trouble now," said Cranky Donkey Donkey as twi and I were sat down in the meth lab waiting for our newest batch to finish AND for zecora to come back and do something that might posibly have an evilness and badness quality to it that might make us enter the death zone.
"Zecora will forgive us when we see how good this batch is!" said me and the oven DINGED and the tray came out. I sniff the tray of cookies and it smell good, but then i realize they are all FLAT and HARD! "oh NO! my SNICKERDOODLES"
"see jakkid I told you you use not enough flour," said Cranky. "You used a Half Measure when you shoulda used a Full Measure."
"shit" I said because I now knew all hope was losted. "What will we do twilight"
"Have you tried downloading the 'dont get killed' app?" said Twilight holding up her iPhone
"wait Twilight youre a GENIUS!" i said and i grab the phone and dial. "PHOENIX you gota get over here to the meth lab quick!"
"Wait which one" said Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney for Nintendo DS.
"oh right you dont know. Zecora has a meth lab here under her restarant Las Metamfinas Hermanas. I can tell this is true because she is gonna kill us right now for murdering her employee Mario Soprano unless you get here and defend us in Meth Court!"
"Damn son I'll get there as soon as I can" and he closed his phone and jumped in his Lawyermobile to get over here and shit a fat bucket of Law all over Zecora.
"HEY!" said Cronky and he grabb my phone and take a big bite out of it. "No phones alowed in class. Om nom nom nom"
Suddenloy the DOOR from the balcony open! it was ZECORA. she walk over to the stairs and down to us.
"Hello zebcora," said me and I hold the cookie tray up. "We made cookies for you! Cranky mess up the recipe though."
zecora grab a cookie and gom a bite. she cronched it hard on her teeths so much that it even got chewed up. "Hmm.... I like the taste of this cookie. It does not taste like a dookie." and she grab the tray. "Come into my office, Cranky. When you farting it is stanky."
"Yes sir ma'am," said Crank and he turn to us. "Dont you two do anything dumb or stupid or idiotish while im gone! You stay put!" and he and Zecora go into her office for the business meeting or something
"Wow" said Twilight. "She like the cookies?"
"I guess she is onea those weird people who like crispy cookies more than chewy" I say. "Quick, this a detectiv opportunity. lets eavesdorpping on their meeting!" so we both went to the door and shove our ears on it for Maximum Hearingosity.
~ INSIDE ~
"These cookies are the best in town" said Zecora. "they so good that my pants turn brown."
"so are you gonna let them go?" said Crankle.
"No! they murder my own drug dealer!" she say. "I'm gonna paint my house to be teal-er."
"so What are you gonna do to them!?" said Crank.
"First you question and grill them" said her. "Then you have to dead kill them."
~ OUTSIDE ~
"Damn did you hear that twilight!" said me.
"No I didnt because I have cronic earwax problems and have not been to the doctor for it yet," said Twilight.
"Its what zecora said! She said she is going to 'red pill' us!"
"what does that mean"
"It mean that she is going to give us a blue or red pill and we take the red one and then we find out the world is actually the matrix and we get cool superpowers just like Neo Reeves!"
"That sounds boring I dont like the matrix" said Twilight. "but ive only seen 3."
"WHAT" said me. "but thats the WORST ONE!"
suddenly the door BURST OPEN and out charge cranky donky! "You IDIOTS" said him. "Matrix 3 is NOT the worst one! matrix 4 is" (i know matrix 4 didnt come out yet when this story happend but twilight helpd me with one of her time travel spells to get a copy of it from the future and release it for pubic theater showings in Equestria and warner bros cant sue me for it cause they sign a treaty with Celestia to not sue me anymore.)
"No its NOT!" i say. "That movie is FINE. Matrix 3 is boring as SHIT"
"All of you are dumb as a gun," said Zecora. "The first matrix is the worst one."
all of us look at Zecora. "what the FUCK?" we all said.
"Thats my opinion which I will shout," said her. "If you dont like it you can both get out."
"Fine!" said me and i said "Lets get outta here twilight where people dont have stupid movie tastes!" and we went out the door and leaved out the door.
"Good riddance" said Cranky.
"Thatll show those dummy poops," said Zecora. "They are not invited to my Steam Groups."
"Wait boss," said Cranky. "Werent we supposed to kill them?"
"Huh? Whuh?" said her and she realize. "Oh for fucks sake god damn it. Get me a desk so I can slam it."
~ OUT THE LAB ~
"Well its a good thing zecora forgive us for murdering Mario even though we didnt do it which means my detective conscience is clean and shiny," said me.
"Yeah but when wil she stop being mad that you have better movie taste than her and Cranky?" said Twilight.
"She will come to her sense eventually," say me. "I dont know which one but hopfully it is the sense of vision so she can see she is being dumb."
"Wait." say Twilight. "Is she still gona try to kill us now?"
"What" said me. "Oh shit. you right. Zecora is a Ruthless person. She does not have even a LITTLE ruth. If she will kill someone for something as little as murdering her friends, she will probably also kill for something thats a REALLY big deal like having a diferent movie opinion from her. We are in mortal deep shit twilight!"
"Fuck hell," said Twilight. "Quick we gotta get to the Meth Cave!"
"On it!" said me and I grab out my keys and it called my Detective car to us and we jump in and i FLOOR IT and we sped off to Twilights house.
~ IN THE OTHER MEANWHILE ~
"What a hard and stumpy case," said Dick the America while him and Applejackle stroll through ponyville. "This is requirin a lot of detective thinking. What do you think Applejack?"
"Well partner," said she, "Do meth exist where you are from?"
"Yeah it does" said Dick. "In our world meth is blue and made by bald people who have glasses and face hair like murstashes and goatees."
"Well partener who do we know thats like that?" said Applesack.
"HMMMMMM." said dick. "well I guess Jakkid and Twilight do. But it cannot be them doing it! Jakkid and Twilight would NEVAR do that! okay well maybe Twilight would. but NOT jakkid!"
"Well partner maybe if- WOAH" and she was CUT OFF by the SPEEDING of a CAR going by. "Holy shitapples what in dicknation was that???"
"Hey thats Phoenix Wrights lawyermobile!" said Dick and he use his hands like bornorcorlors to see better. "He is goin WAY TOO above the speed limit which is 0 in ponyville because ponies dont have cars! Whys he in such a hurry?!"
"Crap if I know parter," said Apple. "Hey wait, hes goin to Las Metamfetamenas Hermanas!"
"Why wold you need to SPEED there if it is already FAST food??" said Dick. "This is suspicion! I say we follow him!"
"Righty-o partner!" said Applejack and the two crawled on the ground really stealthy to go after him but also did it real fast so they can catch up.
~ OK WE ARE BACK IN THE LAB NOW ~
"God this sucks" said Zecora. "And Elden Ring costs 60 bucks."
"Dont worry boss we will catch them, and also get you a copy of elden ring," said Cranky. "All we need to do first is start actually tryin to go after them."
"Thats so much work, I would rather lurk."
"Come on boss wheres your enthusiasems?? What if jakkid goes to cops and you go to prison and have to wear prison clothes?"
"Hmm I do not like clothes that are orange. I guess then maybe we should-" but before she could say something to rhyme with that the DOOR BURST OPEN UPSTAIRS and in walked a certain man. a man who you all know the name of who is the best my littel pony character ever created... Phoenix WRIGHT.
"HEY!" said Phoenix "You two motherfucks! What are you doin tryin to kill jakkid and twilight?! I will SAVE THEM!" and he did a lawyer front flip off tha balcony onto the ground.
cranky pulled his gun out.
"Oh" said Phoenix. "Actually I was joking im gonna leave now."
"Who da hell are you?!" said Cranky. "This is top secert facility! NO ONE is allow to know about this place, not even me or Zecora!"
"No its fine I am jakkid and twilights lawyer," said Phoenix and he hold up his Attorney ID and his Attorney Badge and his Lawyer Gun.
"Oh thats fine then" said Cranky and he holster the gun in wherever a donkey does that.
"So what is your business here" said Zecora. "Answer or youll be in fear."
"I dont know what twikkid166 did to make you mad but YOU know the rules of being a outlaw: everyone gets a fair trial before they get murdered."
"UGH FUCK I forgot about that" said Zecora. "That is annoying as a college frat. But fine we will give the two a trial. Go get the two and we wait here a while."
~ IN THE SECRET PLACE THAT IS TWILIGHTS HOUSE BUT I CANT TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE YOU MIGHT BE WORKING FOR ZECORA AND KILL ME ~
"This is gemius!" said me as I give us a round of applause for our Good Detective Thinking and excellent solutiones to excellent problems. "This is the LAST place anyone can expect you to be at."
"I agree" said Twi. "But we cannot leave the house any UNDER circumstance! Otherwise we may get see by a pony and then that pony tells another pony and that pony tells anothere pony and that pony mails a letter to Pony Afghanistan about it and that pony sends an email to Pony Japan about it and that pony sends a Skype message to Pony Ponyville about it and Zecora hears about it! so dont do that."
"Dont worry twilight," said me and I look out the window. "Wait. Twilight your mailbox has mail in it you should check it."
"Oh good idea maybe my new cardboard box is here." said her and she went and got the mailbox outside and it was a big box. she took it inside and stuck it on tha ground and opened it. "Oh dammit its not my box" she said "its just this piece of paper." and she hand it to me.
"Lemme see that" and I grab it and shove my eyes all over the paper. "No.... this canot be... the ONE thing that can make us step outside our hidin place." and i show it to her.
"Partner what if we get caught partner Partner partner?" said Applejack partner.
"Shh," said Dickmerica. "Do not say words or we wil get caught!" and he peer down from the balcomy and saw Zecora and Phoenix Wright and Cranky in Zecoras lab unboxing a bunch of Courtroom Benches from IKEA and puttin them together for the trial. they were also listenin to music while they were doin it to pass the time, but it was the kind of music that sucked instead of the kind of music that is good.
"These instuctions are hard!" said Crank. "How am I suposed to know what the number B looks like?"
"Yes these instructions they could be easier," said Zecora, "but your music taste could also be Weezier."
"What" said Phoenix while he was puttin together the witness stand. "You like Weezer? what is your favorite album?"
"I like the black and white albums" said Zecora.
"Yeah well I like the blue albium!" said Phoenix.
"I like the Orange album," said applejack.
~ MEANWHIle where twilight and i are walking to the lab ~
"I dont like weezer" I said to Twilight.
~ BACK IN THE LAB ~
Dick SHUSHED applejack and that made the sound of the words she say stop in midair before they reach the ears of the evil drug makers and the only sort-of evil lawyer. "Applejack do you see this shit? Zecora have a secret undergound lab, and Phoenix Wright and some random Donkey are helping! What couldl this be for??"
"Good question partner" said Apple and she see somethin in the distance. "Wait in fucknation." and she GRAB her lasso and she LASSO the thing across the room and brought it to her hoofs. The others didnt notice because they didnt notice. "Hey partner check this out!" and she hand Dick what she had.
it was a name tag that say "SPARKLEBERG"!
"Sparkleberg..." said Dick. "WHO is this mystery person? Applejack we gotta investigate this place more later when no one is here. Then we will have the clues..."
"Heeyaw partner," said Applejacks. "We come back tonight then!"
and the two retreat...... for now............. there is dramatic mystery sound playing in your head now.
July 2th, 1:66 PM Las Metamfetaminas Hermanas Meth Court #1
"Meth Court is now in sesion said the Judge" said the Judge. "Is both sides ready?"
"I do your honor," said the Prosecution who is Zecora and Cranky. "Jakkid is a goner."
"The prosecution is ready" said Phoenix. "You may ask me, 'but Phoenix, you are the defense!' But you see, the true job of the defense atorney is to prosecute the idea that my client is guilty. And i say that idea IS guilty... guilty of being a LIE!"
"That makes sense" said the Judge (he knows Phoenix because this is actualy the same judge from the Ace Attorney games.) "Thank you Phoenix for inviting me to Pony Equestria so i could witness your genius lawyer abilities yet again, and also maybe have you give me money to give you a better verdict."
"We wil see if that is necessary Judge," said Phoenix and he turn to me and Twilight. "you guys ready for this? You better put on diapers so you can keep all the shit that you will poop when you see my epic lawyer skills."
"Dont worry I got this" said me "Check this schitt out! I find this lotery ticket under the desk! Now we can all get rich and buy a Courtroom Pardon Pass."
But then I look closer. "Wait... this a FAKE!" and i was dejected and defective and detective.
"HAHA" laughed Cranky. I look over to him. "I put that fake ticket there so you get your hope up and get them dashed before the trial even start!"
"Crankley you stale corn flake! I will shar-"
Zecora CLEAR HER THROAT REALLY LOUDLY. and then she did a slightly diferent sounding throat clear to rhyme with the first one. "Are you done creating irritatement? I need to do my opening statement."
"whoops sorry" said me and I throw the ticket away someplace.
"Go ahead Zecora" said Judge. "Be warned however. Your cases convincingness is determine by how sick your rhymes are."
"Yes sir Judge," and she gave Cranky a nudge. (that count as a rhyme because she did a thing that rhymes with what she said.) "Crankly remember what we discussed? Motherfunkler. Oh shoot, I mis-cussed."
Cranky nodded in a way that means "Yes I will do the thing we discussed once you give the signal that we was agree on."
Zecora blinked "Roger that" in Morse Code, and then she switch to Norse Code for the second part because that rhyme with Morse Code. "Undvik hans hatt."
"Woah" said Cranky and he barely dodge the hat Phoenix throw at him. "Hey youre cheating at Meth Court! Judge, give him Infinite Penalty!"
"ORDER!" shout the judge. "Give Me New Order! Cease your dickering this instant! Prosecutiontution, give your opening statent! DJ, play Blue Monday!"
"Yes yes I will, very well. My favorite act is Penn and Tell." and she clear her throater again to get all of the booger juice out.
"My position is built, on jakkid having guilt. Those two murder my employee, and that really annoy me. They wont get away, theyre not that smarting, all they know is sharting, farting, and mario karting."
"hmm." said Judge. "I give that a strong 6 to a light 7. Good enough, court may continue."
"It look like jakkid and Twilight are Fucked," said Cranky with a smugly smilely on his face.
"OBJECTION!" said Phoenix. "I agree!"
"HEY dont say that!" said me who is giving the Detective motivation. "Use your lawyer skills, like the ones you was used when you saved the world from Manfred von Karma and Eggman and Bowser and Satan in that story a long time ago!"
"Right" said Wrightnix (unrelated to the shipping name). "I jus gotta think back to when I defended the inventor of meth, Methuselah. Zecora, where is your evidense?"
"Do you think I am just having fun?" said Zecora. "The prosecution presents the gun." and she did that. "This is the gun that mario was killed by. And this is the pickle that i am being dilled by." and she take a bite of the pickle to have a snack in court.
"OBJECTION!" shouting Phoenix. "If jakkid used that gun to kill Mario..... then WHY does it not have fingorprints?"
"Thats simple my dude," said Cranky and he present the Tweezers. "We find these at the scene. Jakkid clearly use these to peel his fingerprinters off the gun so no one can find them!"
"Actually that isnt true," said me. "We were gona use that to take all the atoms apart in Cheerilee's dead body to get rid of the body but we used Acid instead." but I only said that loud enough so they would hear that we were using the tweezrs for that but not that we were gettin rid of a dead body.
"What" said Cranky. "You only said that loud enough for us to hear the word "true" so im guessing you were saying what we said is true. Thank you jakkid for admiting to your crime! Including the crime of being a DICK!"
"Wait WHAT" I shout. "YOUR HONOR! the Prosecutione is shoving words into my mouth like the word "dick"!"
"i did NOT shove ANY dick into the defendants mouth!" said The Crankster. "JUDGE! Use your legal powers to change the legal time so that time goes back like 5 minutes so we UNDO this conversation and talk about something else."
"ok" said judge and he officially passed the Equestria Statute of Horse Law amendment #86: "all time is now actually 5 minutes before."
"We were gona use that to take all the atoms apart in Cheerilee's dead body to get rid of the body but we used Acid instead."
then i had a wooghy moment. "Woogh," I said. "Did anyone else just feel like they smoked a fat Drug Cigarette?"
"YOUR HONOR!" said Crankly. "The defemdant is being a shitter and changing the subject to cheat!"
"HEY!" i said. "i do NOT shit! and also I'm not cheateng! It was YOU who change the subject, because you changed the subjmect from "me being a shitter" to "me cheating". Beat that idiot" and the crowd ooh'ed and aah'ed and I got 50 Court Bucks for my pro court move performance.
"Hell yeah" said me and I opened the CourtShop and buyed a Court Mystery Box for 10 Court Bucks.
"Oh HELL yeah!" said Phoeix. "Twilight I heard you just said "Woah what is that?" Just you watch. The Court Mystery Box can contain very valuble resources to a lawyer in need." and he opened it to reveal:
"AHA!" said Phoenix. "I Have Obtained: x1 Evidence Forgery Pass! With this Sick As 20 lbs. Of Shit new powerup you can forge up to 3 evidence with no penalty!"
"Damn that is a lot of shit," said Cranky. "this gonna be dificult Boss," said him. "Heres the deal. This is gonna be harder than pushing a cow throuhg a straw unless the straw is really big. We are gonna have to cross all our i's and dot our T's."
"That is so true man", said Zecora. "But dont worry I have a plan." and she pull out a .44 Magnum and shot Phoenix in the chest 17 times.
"ow" said Phoenix and he died.
"oh NO!" said Twilight. "She use the secret prosecutor trick to win any case!"
"Dang it I hate when people do that" said the Judg. "oh well the law is the law. I pronounce jakkid166 and Twilight Spirkle-"
"WAIT!" said me. EVERYONE in the courtroom gasp and the camera zoom in on my face. "Ladies and gendermen, you ar about to have all your wrinkly brains blown." and I reach under the desk and pull PHOENIX out, who did NOT hav any bullet holes!
"hahaHA you have lost NOW detective jakkid166!" shouted Cranky.
"No actually I have won and you are shocked about this."
"Oh"
"You see," said me, "Since you do bad evil stuff like killing people i figure you wold use court loopholes like killing people to win the case. THERFORE" I say and I pull out PHOENIX from under the desk and he DID hav any bullet holes!
"Thats right" said the not shot phoenoex. "We hire a actor from Los Angelos to impersonate me and get killed instead so we could proove that the prosecution is the REAL criminals!"
"YEAH!" said me. "and I cleverly used my deducive detecting skills to deduce that we did this by remembering that i am the one who thought up the plan up."
"And I also helped" said Twilight but she didn't. Yes she did no she didnt. she did NO SHE D YOU DID NOT HELPI did STOP EDITNG IT pretty please thank you with cherry on top.
"Thanks for the help Actor Guy," said Phoeix.
"No problem thanks for the 4090 Ti," said the Actor Guy's Ghost and he left away.
"Well this change EVERYTHING!" said the Judge.
"they do call me Detective jakkid166 for a reason", say me. "Because my name have a little bit of everyones name in it. It is special and unique thats way... you see, if you change the words "detective" and "jakkid166" into different names then you can change detective jakkid166 into any name!"
"What" said the Judge. "That is not what i was talkin about." and he hold up the fake lotto ticket from earlier. "Check THIS shit out! I am now richer than all of you pocket change... COMBINED! I sentence you all to go fuck yourselfs!" and he left.
"Shit I do not want to do that." said me.
"Hey wait" said Twilght. "Whered the prosecution go?"
"Phoenix looked around." Look! "Phoenix point up the steps"
"Haha you fools!" shout Zecora. "Zecora rules!"
"The only thing you rules is being an idiot," said me. "What make you think I wil let you out of here unarrested?"
"This..." say Zercora and she slam a buton but it did nothing. "Piss." she wham it again and it revealed C4 explositivity paste! Pasted ALLLLLLL over the lab while everone was distracted by the Judge's systemic classism.
She slam the button again and the C4 start beeping. "Bye bye, my guy," she say and run off out tha door into the hallway where there is probably a door outta the place but might also just go to a dead end like the Panda Express in the buildings Food Court.
Phoenix and Twilight and Phoenix and Detective jakkid166 and me all look around at the sheer beepingness of the Devil's Play-doh. "Well..." say me as the beeping speed up. "This is a bad break."
~ WHILE THE MEANWHILE IS HAPPENING ~
"Ahh Equestria cuisine," say Dick America as he take a fat bite outta his Vegan 16 ounce cowboy tomahawk badonkadonk ribeye steak cooked to medium rare and serve with a side of Tums. "it really got a lot bettre when Equestria finally realize that they dont hav to kill other animals for meat when they can just use magic to make it out of nothing instead."
"Yeah sugarcube some people were real mad bout that," say her as she eat her Vegan Tums. "You know these vegan tums taste more better than normal tums partnercube. I love Sexass Loadhouse." twilight that is NOT WHAT SHE SAID
"That is not what that is called......." said Dick. He was distarcted by something however. He was lookin out the window and saw a EXPLOSION across town! the sound didnt get here yet because it was far away.
"Oh SHOOT!" said Dick as he drink some of the butter off his plate. "Las Metanmfemfememanas Hermanas exploded! From an explosion"
"God dang partner!" said applejack. "We gotta get over there fast before we-" BUT THEN the sound FINALLY GOT THERE and it SMAHSHED OUT THE WINDOWS and tons of wind and debree and sound blew in. Dick and Jack cover their ears til it calms down again and the waiter brings them the check.
"OW IN TARTNATION" said Applesjack as she get up off the floor. "DICK are you okay???"
"Im a ghost. So yeah im fine I'm just dead like always."
"Oh okay."
"Wait..." whats this....." Dick look in the debris (wtf thats how its spelled?) and pick up a pieca somethin.......
Dick peer ever closer to the name tag until he remember to read it...... and what it read to him was.......
“AAAAAAAAAAAGH” I scream out of my lungs as Twilight and Phoenix and me soar through the airs of ponyville. “guys make sure to roll when you hit the ground so you dont get hurt!”
But instead of following my good advice, Twilight just used magic to land softly and Phoenix said OBJECTIon to the ground which made him not hit it as hard. It is a shame they use boring methods while I only slam my face into the ground and get a concussion a little bit.
“That dickhead Zercora!” said Twilight. “Im gonna go tell on her to Princess Celestia and get her executed!”
“You mean arrested right?” said me as i dusted clothes off.
“Uhhh yeah sure.”
“Jesus” said Phoenix. “I am thinking maybe I should re tire from Equestria law. Los Angeles may be crazy law place sometimes, but nothing like a courtroom getting blown up would ever happen that would be nutso.”
“Well the important thing is we are not hurt or killed or too badly inconvenenced,” said me. “Now we can find the evil Zecora and Cronky Donkey Donkey and arrest em!” but as I said that, my phone ranged with the MP3 file of “A Cybers World” from the Deltarune, which is how I know it was Celestia calling. “Hey celestia whats up man?”
“Hey did you just throw Zecora and Cranky Doodle Donkey into Canterlot Canterprison?”
“Uhhhhh” said me and I think for a second. “Yes that was me I did absolutely did that. Because they try to murder us with knifes and guns and bombs.”
“Oh cool thats fine then. These two will get SERIOUS time out! It will be at LEAST 20 minutes before either them see the light of outside again.”
“Sweet” said me and I hang up. “Looks like the bomb blew Zecora and Cranky all the way into the sky when it explode just like us, but they landed in Canterlot Canterprison instead.”
“Wait but I thought they escaped how did that happen?” said Phoenix.
~ THE FLASH BACK TO THE FLASHBACK ~
“Alright Cranky this is the final door for us to escape,” said Zecora. “Once we get out we can make a new meth flavored grape.”
“You got it boss, just gotta find the right key.” he say and he pull out the key ring with 200 keys on it. “Not this one… nope not this one either……”
~ BACK TO THE FUTURE (which is the present) ~
“Oh well I guess it doesnt matter” said Twilight.
“So,” say me. “We have amass a great fortune so far… but I need MORE!”
“But jakkid this is gettin dangerious!” said Phoenix.
“Thats right we should be done now probably,” say Twilight.
“We are done when i SAY we are done, and I am not saying we are done until we are done, which is only when I say we are done!” said me. “Now phoenix what is our next big step to meth celebritydom?”
“Hmmm” said Phoenix. “I think I have connections to the Pony Food Network channel, maybe we can get a cooking show.”
~ AT THE TIME THAT IS THE SAME TIME ~
Dick America rushed with the dickingest despration known to man. He run to the front door of him house and tried to open it but it was LOCKED.
“ARG! Goddammit!” said Dick and he bring up his FIST and he bring it down onto the door really fast and gently unlock it with the keys and opened the door for Applejack to go in first. “Ponies first” he said because he is a Gentleman Detective. i am too just a little less maybe.
Once they was in Dick SLAMMED the door and throwed the name tag on the table and study it with the hardest lookingness possible. “What can it mean… what can it MEAN Applejack?”
Applejack shrugged.
“Thats IT!” said Dick. “we dont KNOW who it is! We just need to find out the thnigs we dont know! It is a genius plan! Good thing i learn that skill from Detective jakkid.” and he thinky hard. “But the question is remaining. What stuff do we not know about?”
“Hmmpartner,” said apple and she look at the computer. “We dont know what weird fanfictions jakkid was looking at.”
“I do not see the relevantness of it,” said Dick “But sure let us finding out.” so he walk over to the LAN party computer I was on and open Google Chrome’s browser history.
“lets see here…" and while he was on there he made sure to give thumb ups to all my stories online. "Wait" he say as he open a website. "Zecoras Secret Meth Website? Why how did this get here? Maybe she snuck in to secertly help the other team in the TF2 lan party... the bastard!" and he try to guess the logging in credentiales. However, he could not type them in, becaus he did not know what they are. "Dammit!" he say as he slam the keybored. "ANOTHER thing we do not know!"
But littel did he know... Appeljack had enable Google Crome Password Remembering last week... so when he slam the keyboard it pick the password from the list that I typed in earlier on accident!
"Woah!" say click and he Dick around. "This page have a big .JPEG file of a big chunk of meth! But wait..." he say and he open the jpeg in MS Paint and zoom in on it really hard. "i see in the reflection of this meth TWO people... and they look kinda like jakkid and Twilight! But that cannot be..." and he think hardy. "ARG! The infomation is too much! I need to go to the toilet and crap the information out and also my lunch." and he went to sit on the toilet to think thinkingly.
"Dang partner." said Applesjack because since Dick put the meth jpeg in the computer the computer is now getting really high and it was eatin the disc that was put into it because it had the Munchers.
Dick sit on the throne of craposity while he mull over all the facts of the facts of the situation, and also the other facts. He think hard about the trials, trials, and other trials he has face in his antimeth journey. He take the name tags out of his pocket and gaze on them with a look of detectiving…
“wait…” said him. “jakkenberg… Sparkleberg… Jakkensparkle… Sparkkid… BERGBERG?” he put his hand to his chins and deduce harder than he ever deduce before. “These names sound kinda like they are made up… but wait… the last four letter remind me of a thing.” and he pull out his phone to look on the internet. “AHA!” he exclaimouted. “HEISENBERG!” and he DASH out to the living room!
“WOAH Partner you forget to flush!” shout Applejack.
“No time for that now Applesjack!” said Dick. “I KNOW who is making meth in our town!” and he go to the computer and open the Wikipedia website (which is wikipedia.org). “But I dont want to believe it…” and he type “Heisenberg” into it.
“You see,” say Dick. “i KNEW these name tags have the revelance to a real name, and that name is Heisenberg! Now first I think to myself, Dick America, why would Warner Heisenberg become back alive and invade Equestria to flood it with meth when he can instead just stay dead which is WAY easier and less stressful on you mental health? The answer is…”
“He mustve been piss off that he never got to meet the greatest Detective in the world, Detective jakkid166!” said Applejack. “And also you sugarcube.”
“Oh thats not what I was gonna say. Your theory do sound interesting though. But if it is the case we better warn jakkid cause I dont think he like that guy very much. He got into a bigbig fight with his employers.”
“Either that or it actually means Iceberg and the planet we ar all on is gonna crash into a big space iceberg and explode,” said her.
“Damn thats double bad! We should present this theeory to Detective jakkid166 immediately so he can shot the iceberg with his Detective Gun and blow it up into tiny ice cubes and give Equestria a ice supply for their drinks for a few weeks.”
“Well lets get goin icecube!” said Applejack and they ran out the door to warn me of the incoming whatever it is.
~ ON FOOD NETWORK ~
“Hello Equestria!” i say to the TV camera. “Welcome to the official Jakkenberg and Sparkleberg cooking show.”
“Today we have a recipe to show you that is near and dear to our heart. You can serve it to your family, your friend, or your worst enemy if you want to make them stop being you enemy and love you forever.”
“Thats right,” said me. “We of course talk about the classic recipe… Meth!”
and the studio audience cheer and applause and one of them whistled and said “WOO jakkenberg I love you!” which is kind of weird because I never met him before.
“Now who is ready to COOK?” I shout and the audience cheer and shout and WOO more.
“He is just like me I am relate to him so hard,” said some of the TV viewers watchin at home.
“Good thing Celestia does not watch Food Network” I whisper to twilight. “Now we begin the cooking in THREE… TWO… THREE-”
BUT WE WERE CUT OFF!
“JAKKID!” said Dick as he rush into tha TV studio with Applejack. “There you are I been looking all over town for you! I have bad news I must report!”
“What is it” said me. “I am busy trying to cook…. things that are not meth!”
“Dont worry it will only be a second!” said Dick. “wait this cooking stuff looks like stuff that ISN’T for things that are not meth.”
“That is because we are showin the viewers how to make fake meth candy to prank their friends!” said me.
“That makes sense” said Dick and he was about to leave but he spot somethin. “Wait a second….” and he come over to us and look at our name tags we have on. “j…, JAKKENBERG? and SPARKLEBERG?”
“Yeah those are our candy names!” said Twilight. “We name ourselfs after famous candy maker, Willy Wonka. His secret last name is Berg.”
Dick shake his head. “I am sorry you two but I cannot accept that expalnation. You see…” and he open his Court Record to present to us things. “These name tags say the same names… and they came from Zecoras meth lab!”
“Uhhhh” said me. “Oh yeah we went in there to teach her to make fake meth insted of real meth so its safe for the kids.”
“do not LIE to me jakkid and Twilight!” said him and he start to cry ghost tears. “Is it true? Are you two really the meth methufacturers of Ponyville?”
“Uhhh” I say and Twilight and I look at each other. “Well its not THAT bad. we only made SOME meth, not all of it!”
“That is still not an acceptable,” said Dick and he take out his ghost handcuffs. “Im sorry but I must take you both in.”
I cross my arms. “It will not hold up in the court. I will plead not guilty by reason of Detective.”
“We will see. Also these are ghost handcuffs tho so please dont pass your arms through them to escape pretty please.” and he move to us with the hand cuffs.
“Wait” said Twilight “Why are you arresting us?”
“Uh” said Dick. “Because you make meth.”
“So?”
“Thats a crime.”
“Not in Equestria it isnt.”
“wait what”
“Hold on what” I say to Twilight. “Did you say makig meth in Equestria isnt illegal?”
“Yeah meth has always been legal.” said Twilight.
“Oh.” said Dick. “Huh I did not know that.”
“uhhhh” I said. “Well I knew that. I always knew that obiously, Detective jakkid166 would not commit heinous crime unless the crime was legal.”
but then APPLEJACK BURST IN THROUGH THE DOORS! “PARTNER I just realize who the real methers are, yeehaw!” and she THREW her lasso at me! but the lasso roped the meth stuff instead and it all got pulled over and spilled into each other and ruined it all and it catch on fire.
“Wait false alarm Applejack”, said Dick. “It turns out meth is not illegal here.”
“Oh I knew that” said Applejack. “This was just better job than Apple Picking.”
but then the STUDIO DOORS bust open and a bunch of ponies rush in!
“You idiots!” said the pony that looke like the leader of the group (because he had a name tag that says leader.) “You RUIN the meth show! Our profits are gonna go down now by like 0.0001%! You pastards!”
“Uhhh who are you?” said me.
“We are the Food Network share holders!” said the leader pony.
“GASP!” I say. “Shareholders… some of the most EVIL villains ever to plague tha world!” I say and I stand in front of my friends to pretect them. “What do you want with us??”
The leader peek around me at Dick. “You are the idiot who ruin our show! You need to come with us and work off your debt you idiot dumbass ghost person.”
“Hey dont be mean because hes a ghost!” said Twilight. “Remember, you judge someone on their character, not the transparency of their skin!”
“Yeah well he is the character who ruin our show!” he say and he puled out his Ghostbusters ghost proton pack prop (because he is also a share holder in Columbia Pictures) and used it to suck Dick into the pack and trap him there.
“NO!” i shout. “My adopted cousin detective! Give him back!”
“Give us ONE good reason to” said the leader shareholder. “Or prefrably, more than one good reason.”
I looked around at everythin for ideas but I sigh. Deep in my detective heart, I knew what I wold have to do. I took out my detective wallet. “I have money that you can have… my whole meth fortune.”
“Oh really is that so? How much is it”
I sigh again and took the money out. “Its… its 80 dollars. All right here in this wallet. With this money, you can have the DREAM lifestyle you always want!
Meanwhile all the TV viewers at home were glue to the screen and cryig tears because of this deep emotional moment…
“Well our profit loss is 81 dollars so that is not enough,” said the pony.
“oh crap.” said me. “Hey Twilight do you have a dollar?”
“Yeah” said Twilight. “I need it to get a coke from the vending machine later though.”
“Dammit!” I say. “What can we do???”
“I know what you can do!” said the pony. “Nothing hahaha.” and they all runned off with Dick captured and held a prisoner.
“No….” I say and i fell to the gound in frustrationation and angers. The viewers watchin at home were in awe at the episode of TV and nominated us for an Emmy.
~ 23 HOURS LATER (because of equestrias Daylight Savings Time) ~
Twilight and I and Applejack walked through the streets of ponyville all slumpy and tired and sadded after the horribel events of the previous day. It had been a WHOLE DAY and nether of us were any closer to finding the location of Dick American, and Google and Bing and Yahoo were not any help at all. Our hair was grown back by now and it was all messy cause of how much we been through.
“Dammit…” I say. “How cold this happen?”
“I dont know,” said Twilight and she took a sip of her coke. “It do suck though.”
“Applejack do you know any idea where the shareholders may have be keeping Dick at?” I say.
“Nope partner,” said she. “This cowpoke is wrasslin the tumbleweed yeehaw.”
“Those crap poopers,” I say as I slammed my hand with my fist. “I shoulda known never to work with the Pony Food Network… they are not on the side of justice, they ar on the side of justisn’t!”
“Wait whos that?” said Twilight and she point to an alley. There was a suspicous character there… he look over at us inconspicously with a nervous look that show his giganto sharp teeth and gray skin. He beckoned us with one his flippers.
“Huh” said me. “That guy look kinda like a shark, because he is one.” and we went into the alleyway with him.
“What you want with us partner?” said Applesjack. “Who in pardnation are you?”
“The names Bobathan Sharkeater matey” said the guy. (hes not a cannibal thats just his name from coincidence.) “I hear you two be lookin for Dick America yarr.”
“Thats right” said me. “How do you know my adopted cousin Dick?”
“It a long story…” said him.
“What is the long story?”
“Oh you actually want me to tell you. Alright matey. Here is the story: I used to be a shark detective. You may not know, but Dick America actualy used to work with the Shark Police on cases somtimes. I was his partner, his first mate! He accompaneyed me on many cases… like the bribe ones.”
“Wait what?” said me. “Dont you talk about Dick like that, he is no corrupt man! He does not take the bribes, unlike me who is only a LITTLE corrupt sometimes!”
“No, Dick wasnt corrupt matey… I was. I tolded him to take the bribe, but instead he reported me to the Principal of the shark police department.”
“Did you get suspension or expelsion or have to stay in during recess partner?” said Applejack.
“Nope, it all got cover up. But I was mad at the betrayal… I cold not stand for what he do to me! I could not see that he did not betray me… but it was me who betrayed him…”
“So what did you do? I say while I ate popcorn.
“When his girl friend Sara N Wrap got arrested by the shark police… I plant meth on her.”
“That was YOU partner?” said Apple. “You bastard! What would your mom think sugarcube?”
“I know… I did not realize it would make it a death penalty. But still there is no excuse, I was over come with guilt and I resign as shark detective. ever since I punish myself by living in homeless streets out of water and suffocating myself. Detective jakkid I am very sorry for what I did, it is imforgivable.”
I looked down at floor. “What a horrible thing you do… you betray the principles of Detective…” and I clenchd my fists. “But I am not the one to apologize to.”
“That is right,” said him. “I call you three here today becaus in my bribery I made many connections… including to shareholders. And I know exactly where they hideout is… I want to help you guys free Dick America from the clutches of being shareholded.”
The three us look each other. “Do we wanna accept his him help?” said me.
“What choice we have? said Twilight.” said Twilight.
“Yeah what we got to lose partner?” said Applejack. “Other than our lifes and your detective job and Twilights princess job and my apple trees.”
“Hmm…..” I sayed with spepticism. “Very well. Bobathan, welcome to the Detective Team. What is your plan?”
~ LATER THAT NIGHT (i think it was that night) ~
“KNOCK KNOCK” said a voice outside the door of the Shareholder Hideout.
“What is it at this hour of day night?” said the Leader (who is named Brock Stock). “We are tryin to do a shareholder meeting!” and he lookd at all the others doing shareholder stuff like eatin money and stocking markets. He opened the front door to see none other than….
“Well if it isnt Bobathan Sharkeater” said Brock. “You here for another bribes?”
“Actually matey,” said Bob “I got business propesition for ye, yarr.” And he introduce the man standing next to him… Phoenix WRIGHT! “I got a new cooking show idea, myarrtey.”
“Hmm interesting” said Brock. “Come in” and they started talkin turkey.
“So the idea is becaus I am a world famous lawyer”, said Phoenix, “I can use this to me advantage to make lots of marketing for my new Lawyer Cooking Show. I will call it Braise from the Ashes! Becaus I used to suck at cooking and everything I make became ashes. Even when I cooked water that one time.”
“But are you sure you can carry a cooking show on you big lawyerly shoulders all on your own?” said Brock.
“That is where you come in,” say Phoeix. “A little birdy told me you have a GHOST here. I think maybe he could be a ideal co host co-ghost! He will get along well with me friend Miles Edgeworth who is also dead.”
“Brillient idea!” said Brock and he snap his hoof fingers. “Evil minions, please bring out the ghost man!” and they bring out a jar of Dick America and put it on the table. Dick America said words at them but they couldent hear them, but Phoenix tried to lip read and gave me his best estimation later on: “Warb marnagal orango mweep”.
“We are prepare to pay a whole 81 dollars for the rights to Dick Americas image,” said Bobathan and Dick look at him all mad and angry.
“Perfecto price,” said Brock. “I think we have deal. To celebrate ours partnership, have some cookies!” and he put out a plate of cookies.
“Dang thanks man, I do not objection to this.” said Phoenix and he grabbe a cookie and put it to his mouth… but then he stop. He look at brock. And then he deliver a first class extra LAWYER PUNCH to Brocks face and he flied across the room! “You dingus you are tryin to kill us!”
“Wait he is?” said Bobathan. “how”
Phoenix demonstrate his lawyerism skills and said: “These cookies are Famous Amos brand cookies… with NOTHING to dip them in! He is tryin to dehydrate us to death!”
“heh…” said Brock as he wipe off his blood nose. “Clever blue suit man. You are right… one bite of that cookies without anything to dip them in wold have have you gasping for water.” and he call in his more minions. “Too bad it do not matter for you. MINIONS, grab them and take all their dollars! Then we wil feed them all the dry cookies they will never want…”
“Oh dang” said phoenix and he SHOUT TO THE DOOR. “OKAY GUYS PLAN B!”
Suddenly the DOOR BUST DOWN and ME and TWILIGHT and APPLEJACK burst through! “got milk?” I SHOUTED and I pull out my Detective AK47 (only use for specific special emergenceys!) and i BLAST IT all over the room and everyone duck down away as the bullets ravageify the room!
the Bullets put Bullet sized Bullet holes in everything from tha stove to the TV to the bullet holes. While I was shootin everything, Phoenix crawl over to Dick America and grab him off the table and started crawlin over to us slowly.
“NO!” said Brock and he also started crawling after Phoenix slowly.
“Come on Phoeix you can do it!” i said While I was pourin a cup of bullets into the gun to keep it firing.
“Im tryin!” but Phoenix was only halfway there when my cup run out and I was all outta gun.
“HAH!” said Brock and he JUMP on top of Phoeix and they wrestle for the Jar of Dick! The two kept rollin around and punchin each other and biting each other and sometimes kissing each other on the cheek to gross out the other.
“Come on Phoeix you can do it!” I said but I saw all the other shareholders was gettin ready to shit us up!
“Oh hell,” I say and I look at the others. “I thinky its time for you to be thinking what I’m thinking, dont you think?”
The two nodded and I pull out a ziploc bag…
“Wait… the Elements of Harmony??” said Brock.
“Thats right, the elemets of harmony,” I say me. “In smoothie form cause of when I blended them up into a smoothie a long while back.” I opend the bag and pulled out me detective gun from my pocket, and I loadered 6 barrels with each element…
“Haha you think those 6 element can beat us?” said Brock. “6 is a tiny number, I know way bigger numbers, like 7.”
“You say that… but the detective gun have a 7th chamber.”
“But theres only 6 elemets of harmony!” said Twilight.
“I think it is time to make a 7th for now.” I said and I pull out a piece of meth and put it in chamber 7 and I aim gun at them.
“Oh crap” said Brock.
“and Now, with these 7 elements: Loyalty, Kidness, Laughters, Generosity, Honestism, Magic, and METH, I DEFEAT YOU!”
“NOOOOO” NOOOOOed Brock and the other shareholders
and i charge up the gun and FIRE IT all over everone! The rainbow drugness flood the room and it set everthing the way it should be… the bulet holes went away, Dicks jar prison EXPLODED into shards, and all the shareholders money got taken away and floated into the streets of Ponyvilles where they all got into fights and riots tryin to grab it all.
The rainbows clear up and everone was stunne for a second or two seconds or three.
“FUCK” said Brock after 4 seconds. “Dammit how cold you do this! Now I need to go earn salary and get more money again. That is very inconvenient for us” he said and the shareholders all nod in mad agreements and they left away.
“Heh” I sayed as I survey the result of our heroship. “It feel good to be the good guy who is good. But it also hurts for some reason.”
“Uhh jakkid” said Twilight. “You should look at your waistline”
“What” said me. “I am NOT getting fat, I will not look.”
“No partner, one of the glass sharts went in you.” said Applejack.
“Oh.” i said and I look down and I was bleeding bad. “Aw shit. Guess I got what I deserve” and I fall over.
~ time ~
“Urrrrgh” I say as I wake up. I look around to see I am in the hospital room of ponyville, looking at the lights that were on too bright and hurtin my eyes. “What happened”
“Jakkid youre awake!” said Twi who was at my side. “For a second I thought you were gona do something really dumb and idiot, like dying.”
I look over and see there was also Applejack, Dick America,, Phoenix Wright,,, and Bobathan!
“Dang the crap,” said me as I rub my head. “How long was I bleeded out for?”
“I dont know like some hours or something,” said Twilght. “Thats not what is more importat though! While the doctors was surgerying you, they notice something!”
“What is that,” said me.
“Your cold is NOT terminal!” said twilight. “In fact it actualy went away a while ago which is why you havent cough up any more tumors for a while.”
“Oh I did not notice that.” said me.
“That and it wasnt actually a cold." said Phoenix. "You just swallowd some golf balls and forgot about it. Thats why you havent cough up any in a while. But it turn out the chemicals in the golf balls can cause temprary insanity if you swallow too many.”
“Oh I see what you are saying” said me. “So I am not guilty of any of the crimes we did do due to reason of Golfballism.”
“Thats right!” said Twilight. “well I am still guilty but I’m princess so it doesn’t matter.”
“I shoulda known the jakkid we know wouldnt do any evil stuff like melting bodies in acid!" said Dick America.
“And even if he did its all cool I forgive him for it,” said Cheerliee’s ghost who was also there. “Technically it was self defese after all.”
"Three cheers for the sucessful rescue of Dick America!" said Applejack.
“Wait,” I say and I hold up my hand. “I appreciate all you niceness… but I still feel bad. The guilt of my action twists my stomach into a pretzzzel, and the really twisty german kind. I want to make up for my actions of meth and self defense kiling and getting entangle in the under world of Criminal. How about we go all have dinner and I pay for it with detective salary?”
“Only if they sell shark meat matey!” said Bobathan Sharkeater (but as a joke. he doesnt really eat shark)
“Good idea!” said Twilight “and also we never tell Princess Celestia about anything that happend here.”
We all nod in agreement and I pull the glass outta my waist and we get up and go outdoor. On the way to the restaurant I say to Dick “Sorry I lead you on wild duck chase. I see you and Bobathan are makig amends though!”
“Thats right,” said Dick. “And Sara wants to just be friends but thats good enough I am just glad to see her again.”
“That is our good hearted Dick” I said and I laugh into the sunset while we head to have dinner at Pony Texas Roadhouse.
~ MEANWHILE ~
“What the fuck.” said Princess Celestia watching the DVR recording she got of our Food Network episode.
