Celestia's Lollipop

by GeodesicDragon

One-Shot

"T-that'll be three bits please." the mare behind the counter trembled slightly as the money was floated over to her by a gentle golden aura. She gingerly took the coins from the air and rang them through the register, which closed with a loud ding. "Th-thank you for your custom, Princess, it's been a pleasure to serve you."

Celestia tucked her purchase – a simple lollipop – behind an ear. "The pleasure is all mine, Bon Bon," she replied. "Twilight has told me many great things about you, your confectionery, and your store; since I was here visiting her anyway, I simply had to try it for myself. If your reputation is as good as I've been told, then I can definitely foresee myself coming back here as a repeat customer."

Bon Bon bowed her head. "I put a lot of time, effort, care and quality into my work," she said. "So I sincerely hope that you will not be disappointed with the results, Your Highness."

Celestia giggled. "We shall see." she walked towards the door. "Anyway, I must thank you for your time, Bon Bon, but it is high time I returned to my duties in Canterlot."

Bon Bon nodded by way of reply, at which Celestia gave her one last smile before opening the door and departing. Bon Bon waved as the Princess walked down the street; as soon as she was out of sight, she let out a sigh of relief, hurried over to the door and locked it, flipping the sign to 'Closed.'

"Holy... well, Celestia!" she said to nopony in particular. "I have never felt so tense in my life!" She began walking towards the door leading to the back of the shop. "Lyra!" she shouted. "I'm going to the spa for a massage... unless you want to do it, that is."

Lyra appeared at the top of the stairs leading to their shared flat. "Way ahead of you, Bonnie," she said, holding up a bottle of lavender oil in her aura. "Let's work out those kinks, shall we?"

***

Celestia arrived back at the castle after flying back from Ponyville; she landed gracefully on her balcony and threw open the doors to her bedroom, before trotting inside and closing them. Once satisfied that she was alone, she removed her regalia and took the lollipop out from behind her ear.

"Now then..." she held it up in front of her face. "Time to see if you are worth the hype." She removed the wrapping paper and sniffed it. "Hmm, smells like lavender, much like the shop itself; I guess the proprietor must really enjoy it. Regardless, a great smell doesn't necessarily mean a great taste, so with that in mind..."

She moved the lollipop to her mouth and stuck her tongue out to taste it, but just as she was about to make contact, there was a knock on her bedroom door. Celestia tutted and put the lollipop down on a table, then walked over to the door and opened it to find one of her guards standing at attention.

"Ah, Princess," he said. "I see you've returned from Ponyville, but there is a problem." He cleared his throat. "You see, you never informed us of your arrival, so – and I mean this with the greatest of respect – you are currently being treated as a security risk."

Celestia dropped her head. "My apologies, Sergeant Ironside," she said. "I was preoccupied with..." She glanced over at the lollipop, then back to Ironside. "Other matters."

"Be that as it may, Princess, Royal Guard protocol says that I need to verify your identity." Ironside held up a small box. "With reports of rogue Changelings coming in, we can't be too careful; this scanner will soon prove if you really are the Princess."

Celestia fought the urge to sigh and roll her eyes. "Go right ahead, Sergeant," she said. "You can see I am still relaxed after you mentioned the scan, plus I just said to do it; you can agree with me when I say that a Changeling wouldn't be so keen."

"That's true," Ironside replied. "But still, orders are orders. Hold still." He held out the scanner and ran it over and around Celestia's body for a few moments, until the device beeped and a green light came on. "All right, you are indeed the Princess." He put the scanner away. "My most sincere apologies, Your Majesty, but we can't be too careful at the moment." He snapped to attention again. "Thank you for your time, Princess, enjoy the rest of your evening."

"No apology is necessary, Sergeant," Celestia replied. "I should have followed protocol and alerted you to my return; at least then I could have given today's password and proved who I was that way. As such, I cannot fault you for doing your job. Anyway, Sergeant, you are dismissed; enjoy the rest of your evening."

Ironside nodded, turned and marched off down the corridor. Celestia watched him for a moment, then finally closed her bedroom door and picked up the lollipop from the table.

"Right," she said. "Where was I? Oh, yes, I was about to taste you." She poked her tongue out of her mouth, only to be interrupted by yet another knock at the door. "Oh, for my sake." She put the lollipop down and went to the door, which she opened to reveal her sister. "Oh, good evening, Luna; what brings you here?"

Luna smiled. "As if I need a reason to visit my favourite sister." she cocked her head slightly. "Aren't you going to invite me in, Tia? It has been a while since we had one of our sisterly chats."

"You're right, it has been a while." Celestia stepped aside. "Well, Lulu, come on in and let's chat." As Luna walked into her room, talking eagerly about a new constellation she was working on, Celestia deftly hid the lollipop in a drawer.

***

"My goodness, Tia, look at the time!" Luna gasped. "Time certainly does fly when you're having fun, or when you're engrossed in conversation with a beloved sibling."

Celestia glanced at the clock, which – to her horror – told her three hours had passed since Luna had shown up at her door. "You're right, Lulu," she replied. "Time most certainly does fly when you're talking with a loved one; you'd best hurry if you want to get any sleep at all before you perform your dream duties later tonight."

"I shall." Luna nuzzled her. "Take care, Tia, and I'll see you later."

Celestia nodded. "You too," she replied. "Bye for now, Lulu."

Luna opened the door, waved, and left; as soon as she too was out of sight and mind, Celestia closed the door and locked it before taking the lollipop out of the drawer and giving it the same sort of glare a parent would give a naughty foal.

"This is your fault," she muttered. "But now, no more distractions; I am going to taste you, and that will be the end of it."

For the third time that night, she stuck her tongue out and went to lick the lollipop, only for there to be a third knock on her door. At the sound, Celestia found herself shouting in her Royal Canterlot Voice, something she had not done for centuries.

"IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED, I AM TRYING TO SUCK ON SOMETHING IN HERE!" she bellowed. "I SWEAR, THE NEXT ONE WHO DARES TO INTERRUPT ME WILL BE BANISHED TO THE DEEPEST REACHES OF TARTARUS!"

There was a pause, followed by the sound of rapidly retreating hoofsteps. Celestia smirked and – finally – her tongue made contact with the lollipop, which she swirled around her mouth.

"Mmm..." she hummed. "That's quite nice; I'm getting juniper mixed with traces of—" Suddenly, realisation hit; her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, allowing the the lollipop to fall from her mouth and shatter into hundreds of tiny pieces on the ground.

"Crap."

Author's Note:

This story was inspired by the cover image; the joke was inspired by my stupid brain.

Comments

[Mornings Dew]

Was this inspired by the picture?

[GeodesicDragon]

10289106

It was indeed; after seeing it - and thinking it was adorable - I felt compelled to write something amazing.

Instead, I wrote this.

[Mornings Dew]

10289113
When it first popped up, I immediately had it saved in my gallery!

[Vis-a-Viscera]

Rather nice story. Reminds me of what could be a prelude to Celestia's Dark Side, a bit like a slow but scintillating build-up to that cake addiction.

Fine job, mate.

[ROBCakeran53]

Good job. Short, funny, believable, and no grammar errors glaring out. Just a couple spots with word repetition, but it doesn't take away from the story.

[ShadowSpectrumSwordtails]

10289173
Now all we need is a sequel about Celestia storming BonBons shop demanding an explanation.

[quakeSanchez]

Very nice!

[Morphy]

10289193

Explanation, for what? If anything, it should be Celestia doing damage control over what she bellowed at the unknown visitor which, taken out of context, is quite... lurid... for the "pure as the driven snow" princess!

Any sequel will have to include Celestia filling out all the forms and permissions (thanks Sgt Ironsides!) before dragging a veritable royally oversized entourage to Ponyville and Bon Bon's candy shop to secure a lolly. This would include the media circus that follows since it's already primed by Celestia's angry faux pas earlier. And, being herd minded creatures, nobles would swarm poor Bon Bon for their own lollipops because "monkey see, monkey do" when it involves Celestia.

[ShadowSpectrumSwordtails]

10291313
How about an explanation for why that lollipop tasted like actual crud. Or maybe a sequel where it turned out to be another one of Rainbow’s pranks, followed by Rainbow nearly gets roasted alive and running for her life. If you catch my drift.

[GeodesicDragon]

10291483
10291313

How about an explanation for why that lollipop tasted like actual crud.

Celestia was commenting on what she could taste, but then she realised what she shouted - for practically all of Canterlot to hear - when she was interrupted for the third time. So 'Crap.' wasn't used as a continuation of her previous sentence, but rather as an expression of disbelief.

I guess I need to work on my phrasing, as I'm honestly quite surprised that I have to explain this.

[ShadowSpectrumSwordtails]

10292158
Yah well. Don’t sell yourself short. That little mistake of mine just means you added a bounds joke without realizing it. That deserves thumbs up in my book. 👍.

[Morphy]

10292158

While most of us would have said a stronger word for "crap" upon dropping a sweet treat, I understood the reference to her dilemma immediately. Not sure how I was described as not in my first comment...?

Either way, love the mini story. You should think about a mini story for Luna and, er, I dunno, a proper cup of coffee?

[GeodesicDragon]

10292916

You were part of the conversation, so that's why I replied to you.

[Heavyhauler75622]

OI...thot's BRILLIANT...!!!!!

That has to be the subtlest dirty joke I have read here for several years now.

BRAVO!!! WELL DONE!!!!!!

[Eskerata]

Getting lolli-blocked can be frustrating.

[Yoshifan30]

"Mmm..." she hummed. "That's quite nice; I'm getting juniper mixed with traces of—" Suddenly, realisation hit; her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, allowing the the lollipop to fall from her mouth and shatter into hundreds of tiny pieces on the ground.

What? What happened???

[GeodesicDragon]

10782837

Go back two paragraphs and read again; it'll hopefully become clearer.