Theory of a Dogman
What’s up, internet?! It is Sunset Shimmer coming to you live on—
Sunset, we’re not live. We’re recording this to post later.
—don’t be a killjoy, Twilight, ’cause we’re live on—
This also isn’t your channel, so I don’t understand why we’re going with your style of opening.
—’cause we are LIVE on SPIKE’S DOGHOUSE—
Again, we’re not live.
Why can’t you let me have this, Sparkle?
I don’t know, why are you doing an over-the-top intro for a behind-the-scenes video on Spike’s channel?
Because it’s a behind-the-scenes video on Spike the Talking Dog’s channel and we need something to keep the casuals interested, especially since Spike the Talking Dog’s not actually going to be talking in this one because we don’t want to do the editing for his voiceover.
Isn’t that right, Spike?
Huh? What was that, Sunset?
Spike! We talked about this!
Oh, right. Uh… bark, bark.
There. That better?
Much. Thank you. Back to you, Twilight.
Spike hit a new subscriber threshold on his channel and a donation mark for the local pet shelter. So, to celebrate his victory, we’re doing another behind-the-scenes video on the “magic” of Spike the Talking Dog.
A little background for those of you who may be tuning in fresh to this channel:
Spike the Talking Dog, which later grew to include the channel ‘Spike’s Doghouse,’ was a project of mine I started up back in high school with the help of my friends. A first it was sort of a research project, experimenting with digital effects and voice acting to make it look like he was really talking. I didn’t expect it to get many views.
Aaaaaand, it went viral.
Yes, yes it did. Which meant that I got bombarded with questions about how I got Spike to look like he was really talking. Most people assumed advanced CGI, but some of the theories got… a little out there.
“A little out there” is an understatement, but we’ll get to that later.
I wanted to just tell people about the special effects right out of the gate, but the other girls…
We had a much better idea.
“Better” might be an overstatement.
I stand by it.
Basically, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie thought it might be funny to let people speculate, Rarity thought it improved the channel’s “mystique,” Sunset thought it would be fun to fabricate some wild theories of her own under false names—
Allegedly.
—fine, Sunset allegedly thought it would be funny to fabricate wild theories under false names, Applejack didn’t care one way or another but thought it would be a good way for me to loosen up, and Fluttershy was supportive of everyone’s ideas.
Except, you know, mine.
I’d say it turned out all right. I’m kind of a celebrity now.
Spike? What did we say about you talking in the behind-the-scenes videos?
*Sigh* That you don’t want to do the editing.
Meaning?
…
Bark, bark, Sunset Shimmer.
Good boy. Have a biscuit.
Don’t patronize me, lady. I know how to open the fridge.
*Ahem* If we could get back on topic please?
Sorry.
Sorry, Twilight.
Thank you.
In any case, the bizarre sub-community of Spike Speculators eventually hit its stride and, as a subscriber goal and charity fundraiser, we decided to do a behind-the-scenes video about the real “magic” behind Spike.
On the condition that we got enough subscribers and donations to the local shelter.
Fast forward a sufficient amount of both and we had our last behind-the-scenes, which revealed the truth: that I wrote an excellent CGI program and we got our friend Cathy to do the voice of Spike.
And, boy, were people surprised to learn you’re voiced by a woman, Spike.
Was. I was voiced by a woman while I was still a puppy.
And for a few years after.
*Sigh* Yes, and for a few years after, until I got old enough to be voiced by our friend Pete.
Also, obligatory barking.
Good boy, Spike.
Just keep up the ear scritches, Sunny.
The video was a big hit, and a lot of people reacted very positively to finally learning the truth about Spike.
Buuuuuuuut…
But, the video also made the truly crazy theories about Spike get even crazier, to the point that the Spike Speculators now have their own fan wiki, subreddit, Facebuck page, website…
It got kinda out of hand.
But the attention is nice. Bark.
So, to celebrate another marker on the journey to truly ludicrous numbers of subscribers, and to celebrate another charity win, we’re going to be reading some of our favorites theories.
Theory one: Spike is a sophisticated artificial intelligence in a synthetic body created by… yours truly.
I appreciate the vote of confidence but, sorry, that’s a little beyond my current computer expertise.
Give it a few months. I’m sure you’ll be starting the robot apocalypse in no time.
Bark yeah, she will! That redstone circuit she made in Minecraft practically achieved sentience!
Theory two: Spike is a trans-dimensional life form who has crossed over into our reality as the first of many invading shapeshifters come to steal our kidneys to fuel their soft ice cream machines.
That is… an oddly specific reason to need our kidneys.
Hey, it’s green energy, am I right? Tree Hugger would be all about it.
Theory three: Spike is the mind of a man whose organic body died and who was preserved in an act of desperate mad science by, again, yours truly.
I resent the barking implication that I am born of desperate mad science.
What if it was regular mad science, not desperate?
Eh. That’s fine.
Out of curiosity, Twilight, who do they think you stuck inside the robo-dog?
Actually, there are several versions of this. One is that I was trying to invent a form of immortality, so I found a convict on death row who was willing to be my test subject in exchange for, you know, not dying.
Aaaaand, I’m barking offended again.
Holy hayfries, Batman, that’s frigging dark! What, they think you just put some murderer out on the streets again?
Uh, not exactly. That particular theory also surmises that, when I was negotiating with the guy, I sorta… left out a few details of the deal. Like, you know, a total a memory wipe so that I could, uh, create an artificial personality to serve as my unflinchingly loyal lackey.
…
Yeah, I’m still offended.
…
Sheesh, Twi. I didn’t realize you’re a gosh darn supervillain.
Apparently.
Have you got a villain name?
I’ve been thinking about it, actually. How do you feel about “Midnight Sparkle?”
Mmm, I dunno. Kinda sounds like you graduated past the level of villainy that would be appropriate for.
Graduated? What, you think “Midnight Sparkle” is more of a high school thing?
Something like that, yeah.
Hey, bark bark, are there any versions of that theory that are less creepy than “former death row inmate?”
Well… there is this one that the brain I stuck inside you is actually the… mind of a… former… boyfriend who was dying…
…
You know what, I’m barking sorry I asked.
A former boyfriend, eh? Do I need to give Timber a call and tell him the bad news?
SUNSET!
Kidding, kidding!
All right, ladies. Mine next.
Theory three: Spike is an ancient beast of untold power, defeated by a band of erstwhile heroes consisting of a warrior, a prophet, and a travelling carpet salesman. Spike’s true form is imprisoned deep beneath the earth with his powers stripped away until such time as he can rise again and wreak havoc upon the surface world.
His current dog-like form is but a portion of his power given flesh so as to scout the planet for a suitable place from whence to begin his reign of annihilation.
Also, bark.
Hot dang, Spike! Isn’t that kinda… intense?
Why do you think I picked it? That sounds awesome!
I’m more curious why a travelling carpet salesman was apparently part of the band that took down the ancient beast of untold power.
Haven’t you heard? Carpet salesmen are a wise and dread people, the heirs of ancient lore and majesty, great in counsel and swift in wrath when roused.
Remind me again why you thought the opening needed to be over-the-top when this is what we were building to?
Ambiance.
Theory four is a little involved: Spike was once a normal dog who, through a series of magical shenanigans involving a parallel world of remarkable power, became a sapient being capable of speech.
These videos of his, like many others surrounding Canterlot High, are part of an elaborate cover-up orchestrated by the people involved in the incident and a cabal of shadowy agents who preserve the world from the threats the common people don’t know exist.
It’s part of an ingenious plan to hide in plain sight, all the while making specific references to actual events with the express purpose of simultaneously maintaining the cover and tweaking their handlers just for kicks and giggles.
…
…
…
*Collective Riotous Guffaws*
HAHAHA! Oh, man, that is barking rich!
Right? Parallel worlds! HAH! As if we could keep that secret!
Next they’ll be saying we *spurt of laughter* we all have magical powers!
HEHEHEHE! Can you imagine how hard that would be to cover up?! Oh, man, whatever poor saps had that duty would be working overtime!
Hah hah— hey! I just thought of something! Parallel worlds, right? What if there were, like, doppelgangers over there?
I bet mine would be a dragon!
Now why the heck would a dog be the doppelganger of a dragon?
Maybe the dragon’s the doppelganger of the dog.
Touché.
That’s an interesting theory, Spike. Maybe I should use my magic powers to rip a whole in reality and take a look to find out.
Only if you want me to use my magical powers to talk you down.
Oh, please, you’d need, like, the collective magic of all five of the other girls on top of your own to do that, and even then Spike would have to distract me by looking distraught and adorable.
Heck, that’s no problem. You know how these things end: friendship always trumps villainy, Miss Midnight Sparkle.
Pfft! Campy.
Nah, I think it’d be barking charming.
One thing I’ll say for sure, thought.
What’s that?
If we did have shadowy handlers, I bet they’d be pretty peeved with us right now.
*Collective laughter*
Well, folks, that’s all for today. This has been Spike’s Doghouse. Thanks for supporting my channel, and we’ll see you next time.
Bark.
Meanwhile, at a secure, shadowy facility known only to a select few…
Agent Lys?
You know, Cherry, whenever you call me “Agent Lys” and not my first name, I know you’re about to say something I don’t want to hear.
Would you like me to say it anyway?
No, I wouldn’t like it, but that shouldn’t stop you.
The Skylight Lightverbs put out a video with Spike.
I wondered where this headache came from. Let me guess. They’re taking the “hide in plain sight” with their customary literal-mindedness.
In fairness, it actually seems to be working. No one takes it seriously.
That’s because it sounds like a sugar-coated kid’s show. I don’t believe it some days. Anything else?
Reports of a goat-sucking monster.
Ooh, a Chupacabra. Where? Chile? Puerto Rico?
Turkey, actually.
Turkey? Hmm. Sounds like the Magical Mishap Generator’s aim is off by a continent or two. Very well, warm up the plane. I have to make a call.
To the team?
To the Lightverbs. If they have time to give me a headache, they have time for a field trip.
Sound off in the comments if you get the full joke about Spike's voice actors; Cathy's a little more obvious than Pete. And, in case there's any confusion, that second scene is not part of Spike and the girls' "video" that fills the majority of the chapter.
Obviously, this is a departure from the standard meme format (which I mentioned would happen at the end of the last meme chapter). Let me know how it turned out.
Also, I don't listen to Theory of a Deadman. I know nothing about the band, good or bad. I just couldn't think of a better chapter title. 
Shoutout to FoME for the Lightverb joke and the Minecraft sentience joke.
Edit: Story is marked as complete, even though I left some threads hanging. See this blog. Leave the notifications on if you wish, as I may make a final/closing chapter or some such, but I haven't had inspiration for it in a long time, so I didn't want people to sit around wondering.
I am sorry if this is a letdown for anyone, but this story was never going to have a definitive arc. It was either going to be eternally 'incomplete' or awkwardly be 'complete.'
I am glad it has been able to help you in some dark times. Feel free to let me know if certain aspects of it were particularly helpful to you. If possible, I may try to weave those elements into other stories or provide links to other people's stories/channels which do something similar.
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What memes are you talking about?
Hilarious, but what’s this about a magical mishap generator?
10285385
Suffice it to say that people who have to clean up wild magic may develop sarcastic ways of referring to it, Sunset and Co. aren't the only people who have to clean up wild magic in the distant corners of the planet, and I have a story idea I may or may not ever get around to writing.
shot in the dark but is Pete a reference to this guy voiced by G1 Spike actor Charlie Adler
Cathy Weseluck voiced Spike in all but one episode.
Kira Buckland voiced Spike in the episode ' Power Ponies'
No clue as to a 'Pete'.
'It's called a crossover, Twi."
The best way to explain how they get away with that. Though it must be awkward if anyone asks about Spike's voice actor...
Oh! Spike speculation became a thing! Delightful.
I love this. Same tactics as the first movie, but applied to a much more fun purpose.
Whoa, meta. Also, Spike got to grow up!
Less sophisticated AI, on the other hand...
Shout-outs always appreciated.
This one was delightful throughout, an excellent counterpoint to the depth of the previous chapter.
*jaw drops to the ground*
WHAT THE FU-
10285450
That's actually much more interesting than the actual explanation. Pete is a reference to Peter New, voice actor for Big Mac, because the idea of super-deep ultra-bass Peter New voicing Spike amused me.
This is So Much Better than what I envisioned for Spike's eventual appearance.
...
Now I'm curious what Trixie's been doing to entertain herself, and if she'd consider a crossover.
10289942
Glad it exceeded expectations! As for Trixie... the Tired and Generally Befuddled Antiquarian will have to see if any ideas come to him.
This was lots of fun. Especially for that conclusion.
Peeved? Sunset, such language! There are children watching you know.
Loved the speculation, love the college superheroes gig even more.
10516882
I hope one day to be able to actually do a story on the agents/soldiers/co-opted civilians who keep the world safe from the cross-dimensional shenanigans (including shielding the girls from other members of their own government) and/or do a story on the human 7's ongoing world-saving as they get older, but I'm not sure I'll ever get around to it. Thus, I put this in here for my own amusement.
Okay, really enjoying the silly as we go. REALLY nerded out on Twilight's chapter but good, wanna make that clear.
Also, if you're big on De Lancie's other performances? Might I suggest Pop Up Dungeon on Steam? US$25, and it's very, very firmly tongue in cheek. The narrator's De Lancie, with him quite staunchly more on the Discord than the Q side of things, with puns everywhere. I think you'd get a kick out of it.
10537801
Noted, thank you.
I'm not sure Spike got enough biscuits in this chapter. I hope there's more too.
10733833
Well, they say to write what you know. Honestly, I'm just glad to see something that addresses what it is like to be a workaholic in a way that doesn't forget people can like to work. Writing is work. Studying for both of my majors is working. But I love doing both of those things. I like to think about having a future career. Our brains were made for staying busy and productivity isn't a bad thing... but it can become an addiction. It's just that I don't really find resources about the already under-studied phenomena that isn't just some "tl;dr being lazy is the answer and society has failed you if you don't want full on hedonistic nothing for days on end" even though that's absolutely the opposite for me.
10733849
Yeah, I understand that. I think you hit on a broad problem in our society. It is regrettably easy for people to be distracted by surface concepts and labels rather than the underlying principles which give them deeper meaning. For example, it's a bad thing if I become addicted to eating too much sumptuous food. This is not because sumptuous food is itself morally bad, but because my desires have become disordered to the point of prioritizing sumptuous food over other more important things (like general health and wellbeing). The deeper context is what applies the moral status of my eating sumptuous food, rather than the food itself. The same applies to work and leisure - they're morally neutral in themselves, and can be good or bad depending on context. Augustine talked heavily of the problem of disordered passions - something which may be good and wholesome (like reading and learning) may become a moral wrong in certain contexts if it becomes disordered (i.e. spending so much time reading and learning that one neglects one's family).
Speaking more broadly, I think our modern society very much lends itself to obsessing over surface things (like labels, political and philosophical terms, and ill-defined concepts like 'hard worker' or 'pleasure-seeker') rather than delving into what those things mean in practice or why they're important in the first place. Two people say "seek pleasure" and mean contradictory things by it, and thus argue past each other over whether it's admirable to seek pleasure. Equivocation replaces understanding. So people call leisure or work "bad" because they focus on the term rather than what surrounds it.
Part of why I wrote this chapter was to share a part of my own journey in reconciling the work/leisure balance in a healthy way which respects their deeper role in the human condition. If you got something out of it, then that makes me happy.
10733898
Out of curiosity, what helped you get that into a balance? I've been unable to do that myself.
10733967
I wouldn't go so far as to say I've achieved balance; I think it's a life-long journey of continuous improvement. Part of what helps me step back from work is to remind myself that taking time for healthy leisure makes me a better worker - it appeases that "gotta get something done" thought process by making the case that it's practical.
Another thing is that I try to take pleasure in artistry and beauty - if I'm eating good food, I don't eat it to achieve "x-end goal of being satisfied." I savor it. If I'm on a walk, I stop and appreciate the sunset; not because I have a goal, but because beauty deserves to be appreciated. When I go somewhere to pray, I sometimes don't even pray about something specific; I just take the advice of an old man I heard once explain that his prayer often was, "I look at God, and he looks at me." Again, no specific goal, just being in the moment and savoring it. I read classic, rich literature at a slow pace, sometimes just taking a moment to sit and replay some words in my head - it's not like I have a deadline to read this book, I'm reading it for pleasure, so I take my time with it.
I think a lot of it is just realizing that a lot fewer things are urgent than we think are urgent, and taking the time to contemplate how much urgency we actually need. What exactly that looks like is going to vary from person to person - it's more about the concept than the specifics.
10739186
Aww jeez, this is all really excellent advice. Thank you so much!
I think that this really gets to the heart of my problem. I'm not a very hyperactive or competitive person, and I loathe deadlines. The world around me moves very fast and I have quite a bit of executive dysfunction. I have to often rush through things, or generally feel pressured to. It makes all the time I get to slow down something hard to deal with, namely because I might just rush through that too and use it for more work.
10741311
Yeah, that's one unfortunate side-effect of artificial urgency: it makes actually urgent things more difficult to handle in a timely fashion.
For things that I have to focus on and be productive, I tend to 1) put away distractions 2) close distracting tabs 3) make the decision to work only on this one thing, and if something comes up that I want to work on later, I put a note to remind myself before putting it aside and focusing on the present task 4) set a timer - not so much because I can't go over, but because it visually reminds me to work on one thing only. I repeat the process for different tasks during the day, and it makes me more efficient, which makes things less urgent and lowers my stress level.
One Navy SEAL expression is "slow is smooth, smooth is fast." I figure if guys who get shot at on a semi-regular basis think that concept is good enough for them, it ought to be good enough for me.
10744898
I'm lucky in that I don't usually have more than six tabs open, thank goodness. Tab hoarders give me anxiety. It's like looking at someone else's messy bedroom.
10745163
Yeah... it's hard to watch. Especially when I'm the one doing it.
10745332
I've personally found that clean rooms can help clean my thoughts up too and that reduced distraction environments are super helpful.
10745338
Indeed. I'm lousy about that, and that's something I'm trying to work on.
10750094
Good luck, dude!
10750117
You too!