• Member Since 7th Apr, 2019
  • offline last seen 20 minutes ago

SuperWriter2329


I'm just a normal guy, writing normal (and sometimes crazy) stories.

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Takes place after the episode Slice of Life.

Two weeks after Cranky and Matilda's wedding, Lyra and Bon Bon were suddenly visited by agents that work for the same agency as Bon Bon did. However, they told her to move out of Ponyville because someone knew about her secret life. To make matters worse, only Lyra knew about her secret. The question is who wanted her to leave Ponyville and Lyra alone?

This is my first story ever in Fimfiction. Be nice and read on.

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 19 )
  • I'll go in order, here. These are suggestions and you can take them as you will.
  • Why call Lyra Bon Bon's "girlfriend/roommate"? Since they are girlfriends, just call them that.
  • "Whoa there, patience Miss Lyra.

    Suggestion: "Whoa there! Patience, Miss Lyra." Perhaps try out a period or an exclamation point. I also think it would be more official to call her "Miss Heartstrings."

  • "Wait, wait, wait. Did you said the anti-monster agency in Canterlot?" interrupted Lyra, who was currently the only mare in the room since Bon Bon hasn't awaken yet.

    "Did you say the anti-monster agency in Canterlot?"
    "Since Bon Bon hasn't awoken yet."

  • I don't believe it's necessary to transcribe that entire conversation from Slice of Life. My suggestion would be to cut that part out.
  • She had encountered two ponies she never thought she'd see again after a few years.

    I'd just cut out "after a few years." It makes the sentence a little awkward and adds information that was already communicated with the word "again."

  • The brief lines about the "mysterious" pony (MP) could be moved to the end of the chapter or edited down to a point where MP could just pontificate about how his plan isn't going how he wanted and then talks to himself about how he'll act from here on. The way they are now just makes the flow a little messy.
  • I'm gonna hold on to you until you calmed down, okay?

    "...until you calm down."

  • Who was the pony that overheard them a fortnight ago?

  • Why is "overheard them" underlined? And why is "frame" underlined just before that? Just a question.
  • [quote...]who had been going through a lot of trouble just to get the two girlfriends..."...who was going through..." Also, instead of saying "girlfriends" at the end there, you can say couple.

    Overall, I think you could add some more atmosphere and sensory details. I'm not really getting any sense of the house that Lyra and Bon Bon are in. Nor am I getting much out of their characters. If Lyra and Bon Bon had their names removed from this story, I wouldn't be able to tell them apart from each other. But like I said, these are suggestions and I'm only hoping to help you improve. Hope you're having a lovely day, and good luck in progressing the story.

10166451
Okay, I will fix them later but for now, I have an assignment to do so maybe if I have time, I will fix it. That being said, I hope you like it. :pinkiesmile:

Also, due to the Movement Control Order, this might be the only thing I would do since I got bored easily.

Also, FYI, I'm actually Malaysian, so there might be a lot of errors in future chapters. Just saying.

10166882
It's okay. You're only trying to help.

FUCK. i thought it was rarity.

10216143
Which part are you talking about?

10216250
the parts before its revealed that the pony that started this bs was outside the castle this whole time.

Hey fellas! So I had decided to change two of the names listed by Twilight because one of them had the same last name as Amethyst and the other was a fan made character. If you had already read this chapter before this change, I suggest you read it again to see the name changes.

That's all from me. Bye!

It's an interesting start, though it feels a bit rushed. As this is the basis of your fic, the first introduction which either draws in or pushes any potential readers away, you may want to flesh out this chapter a bit more. It is a short chapter, so it should be a simple affair to add a bit more detail here and there.

For example. Here's a part of this chapter:

"Yeah, I know, right?" answered Lyra, who was sitting on the couch in the living room, munching on some hay fries she had decided to take home from the wedding banquet earlier. "Um, Bon Bon?"

"Yes, Lyra?"

Lyra then asked Bon Bon a question that has been bugging her for quite a while after she found out that she was a secret agent, "Yeah, about the whole secret agent thing, what do you think will happen if you had accidentally blown your cover and your agency found out?"

It works well in pushing the conversation from one topic to another, but it feels a bit out of place. You could add to it by mentioning the difficulies Lyra has with the discovery of Bon Bon's secret life.

Example:

"Yeah, I know, right?" answered Lyra, who was sitting on the couch in the living room, munching on some hay fries she had decided to take home from the wedding banquet earlier. Halfway through another mouthful, she slowed her chewing as a contemplating frown began to crease her forehead. Slowly swallowing to clear her mouth, she looked at Bon Bon. "Um, Bon Bon?"

"Yes, Lyra?" Bon Bon replied, easily picking up on the sudden shift in behavior.

For a while, Lyra moved her mouth with half formed questions, trying to find the right words. Though never one of much tact, she shrugged, then bluntly asked the question that had been bugging her for quite some time now; ever since she discovered her dear friend was a secret agent.

"Yeah, about the whole secret agent thing, what do you think will happen if you had accidentally blown your cover and your agency found out?"

Of course this is my take on things, and this is only a suggestion. You are the master of your work, and should not feel pressured into changing anything you don't feel comfortable with. Also, seeing how this is your first story, and that you have only begun with it fairly recently, I understand how easy it is to overlook things like this. The first things I wrote were on a level of crap that the only times you would even notice it, is when you look down to see what it is you stepped into.

10245545
Nice suggestion there. I will try to fix it but it is currently midnight from where I am right now, so I will try to do it sometime in the morning. Anyways, I'm really glad that you liked my story and hopefully there will be more coming up in the future. Thanks for reading!

Oh so you make Amethyst the bad guy huh very interesting

10286054
Yeah, I wanted to bring out the variety of villains sometimes. Putting another pony as the villain and you're done.

Also, thanks for the favorite. I hope you enjoy it. Plus, I'm currently working on another story. I'll give you a hint: it's a crossover with one of my favorite childhood movies. Don't worry, it will come out soon, okay?

News flash, everyone! My second story, Zathura: Sibling is Magic, is now available to be read! Hope you enjoy and tell me what you think of the update so far. Thanks!

Oh wow I'm gonna be honest with you that got me a tear up When amethyst tried to say sorry But I'm surprised they forgive her Specially applejack that she almost killed her but I guess that's what happens in equestria lol Anyway I can't wait what's gonna happen in the end

10291987
Don't worry, you will get something real good for my very last chapter of this story. Hope you like it!

aww That was a pretty sweet ending of your story and Redemption story even though its short of Amethyst So answered Job with the story

10298100
Thanks! I'm really glad I finished it. Also, I'm currently working on another story, which is a crossover one titled Zathura: Sibling is Magic. Look forward to it, okay?

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