Lyra and Bon-Bon want to have children, but being mares, they cannot conceive one. However, a young filly without a home may well become the daughter of two loving mothers.
Lyra finds said filly one evening and offers her a stay at their place for the night, but caring for the filly brings maternal instincts to life
rated teen, just in case
Featured 20/4 - 12/5/2014. Boxed 20-23/4/2014
new cover art thanks to watermane2000 who's other great pieces of wonderful art, pony and otherwise, you can find HERE
Chapters (9)
never seen a story where scootaloo get adopted be Lyra and Bon-Bon and i like it
This seems interesting! When will the next chapter be out?
4251687 today if i can help it
Haven't read it yet, but I'm going to click the fav and up vote buttons anyhow.
Also, it should be 'maternal' instincts, not 'material'.
Finally someone comes up with this idea!
I love Scootaloo stories where she gets anew family and I am really loving the start of this one please keep it iup!!!!
I'm a sucker for both Scootaloo and LyraBon stories so I'll track it.
Well that was fast.
This looks nice so far. I never understood why everyone thinks she's an orphan
i like this story so far i love story with lyra and bon bon and i love scoot story so the combo is good for me
sweetness pun and no pun intended
sadness but a good turnout
I can understand how Scootaloo felt. I don't handle death well. I'm just glad Bon-Bon and Lyra were there for her.
This is one of those stories where the concept is great but the execution is sadly off.
I love the idea of Scootaloo having this dark secret. I like the idea of Lyra and Bon Bon raising a foal and I would love to see how the cast deals with it.
Now here is my problem: Scootaloo felt completely off in the first chapter.
I would understand Sweetie Belle curling up and shivering in fear. Maybe even Applebloom, but Scootaloo?
She is brash, headstrong and overeager. Even in the face of her greatest fears, she either runs or desperately fights. The thought of her curling up and peeing herself just threw me out of the whole story. And the backstory felt a bit too much like a tear jerker than a genuine blow of fate. Especially since it feels a tad contrived for Equestria not to have any kind of social safety to keep orphans off the streets.
Again: The concept is great, but the execution just doesn't click with me. Sorry.
I'm liking this story.
The chapters could probably stand to be a little longer, but that isn't any issue. You should get an editor to help you catch all the little typos. For example, the last sentence in this chapter says "to mothers", where it should say "two mothers".
4253125 Think about it this way: all that bravado is really a front. It is very common for people who are in trouble to act like nothing is wrong. Similarly, someone who is really scared sometimes acts like they aren't scared of anything. It's a form of denial. You can find really big, tough men who freeze in terror at the sight of a little garden snake.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uZvaER0ew8o
This totally fits the sad/tragedy tag. Best saddening orchestra you could find.
4253125
In addition to everything he said, I have another criticisms.
First off: the pacing. In a story like this (a semi-sad, non-action story), things need to be taken slowly, not rushed into. You have Scoot being practically adopted less than 5k words in, and the 'tragedy' happening less than 2k words after that. It's almost as if you're just going through the motions of writing a story without putting any care into it, and the fic suffers for it.
Also, that coverart is awful. It looks like you just took a pixelated, low-resolution image of Scoot and slapped it onto a much better picture of Lyra and Bon-Bon (which is what I'm assuming you did). Put some pride into your work.
So again, great premise, terrible execution.
Methinks you should get an editor. I noticed several typos in the last chapter, here.
Dammit, Scootaloo feels get me every time.
*wipes eyes* I'm not crying dammit!
static1.e621.net/data/66/ca/66cad77f93699a8b3a811b674dc4276c.png
GOD DAMMIT, need to stop reading your stuff at work!
Yes, this a totally awesome chapter and fic so far. It's quite refreshing actually to have Scootaloo be adopted by somepony she does not already know.
4253158 I would agree with you, but there is one problem: We have seen Scootaloo deal with her fear. And at no point did she ever curl up. IF she was in the clubhouse and a stranger came in, she would be out the window and gone in an instant. And that could have worked quite well.
Have Lyra find trails of Scootaloo's secret, then run after her and find the terrified filly somewhere in the orchard. Maybe after Scoots had a good look at Lyra and decided that she was no treat.
Instead, she instantly goes and hugs a stranger, just because she did not eat her after a few lines of dialogue.
I just say that this moment was poorly handled and goes against what we know of Scootaloo.
Well. done/ Well done.
This is really more Sad than Tragedy. Yes, Scoots loses her aunt, but that's really more of a painful yet necessary transition to what will presumably be a happier life for her. Tragedy is rather when a character is heading towards a terrible conclusion over the long term.
4254395
My thoughts exactly. When I saw the Tragedy tag, I was like, "Why is this going to be a story that has Scootaloo die or something in the end?"
I'd suggest you switch to Sad. And get an Editor (I should get one too actually).
4253125
Then I guess I'm just going to read and enjoy this story for the concept. I don't know if it's the first LyraBon Scoot-adopt fanfic around, but it's definitely the first one I've seen so far.
4253227 yes, that's true on how I made that pic, but I had to use Microsoft paint to do it and I got scoots' part of the pic from a use poster pic of all the characters cos it was all I could find of scoots on the net that looks like it would work.
Paint tends to pixelate, so for that, I apologise, but this was the best I could do with what I have
good story so far i can't wait for more
Well, this is a pleasant little gem. I beg you to use a spell checker and proof read though. The adoption part was very touching, as has been mentioned
Anyhoo, I look forward to seeing how L&B deal with Scootaloo's mountain of issues. And the
Chaos & Mayhem CrewCutie Mark Crusaders.4251733
Wait, where did Scootaloo's pee go? After Lyra consoles her it's not mentioned again, and I'd figure it'd be kind of...urgent, to take care of, considering the smell and everything.
Also, if she's so scared of being kidnapped that she pees herself, how can she immediately be so trusting of Lyra? :-\
4253747 I'm not disagreeing with you particularly, but you should remember that people deal with different fears in different ways. As in my previous example with Ophidiophobia (abnormal fear of snakes), someone might be hardly bothered by most things they fear, but when it comes to said snakes they are just overcome with fear. It doesn't matter if they are aware of their fear and its irrationality, in the heat of the moment their brain goes into complete panic mode.
She...peed...nope.
4255036
My thoughts on that are that possibly:
1) Lyra doesn't care, more concerned with the foal
2) The author forgot or chose not to spend overlong discussing it as urine can be a squick
3) You would be amazed at how quickly someone that's hurting and scared will latch on to kindness
4) The author may not have adequate experience with story pacing - or scenarios like this - to be able to realistically space the events out and work out any trust issues.
I just realized everybody`s comment is downvoted. Weird...
Their bed was a double, always had been, even before they’d become a couple. it was more officiant,
Officiant is a person who performs a religious service / ceremony. As the bed is not performing ceremonies (that we are aware of!) I believe the word you are looking for is 'efficient'.
“We bid thee welcome to thy realm, Scootaloo.”
'thy' means 'your'. 'We bid thee welcome to my realm, Scootaloo' is correct.
Her aunt had done this too, when Scootaloo had had a particularly day... before she’d gone to the hospital, anyway.
"Her aunt had done this too when Scootaloo had a particularly bad day" One 'had' is sufficient, and 'bad' is omitted.
“Scootaloo...” Bon-Bon asked slowly, sitting up and noticing the warmth of the bed. “Scootaloo, do you sometimes wet the bed in your sleep.”
This should have a question mark in place of a period.
Also whatever happened to the groceries Scootaloo brought home?
She was interrupted by a large couching fit.
Coughing fit.
She moved her head to looked behind her aunt at her wigns. Almost all the feathers were gone, including.
'wigns' should be 'wings' and you end the sentence too early.
Feels a little fast and you could stand to use a spell check but overall I give this story a definite thumbs up. Great feels man!
Great story
I'd like to hear more...kind of rushed, few spelling errors, but I like where this is going. I think I felt a tear in my eye for a second...
(sigh).......Two mate, it's two.
4256165 yeah, stupid mistake, but its fixed now
I want to see more of this story. Lots more.
4256497 I'll try and get the next chapter finished tomorrow or Monday. I would have done it today, but avatar the movie was playing in the living room and it made me hard to keep writing, so I stopped for now.
i'm broken
Man i leaked a lot of liquid pride reading this.
----
Okay first off I enjoyed what I've read thusfar as a 'concept' pitch for a story, this could easily be expanded.
Also when writing a fic like this, you need to take into account the established personality of your centre character (In this case, Scootaloo)
I do not see her as someone who would quiver in fear like she did in Ch 1 - she would first try to escape.
The last thing I would suggest is to get someone that you trust to proofread and edit your story, there were a few typo's in there and they could also help with the pacing of the storyline.
Although to be fair the typo's can usually be dealt with by a spell checker except for the pancakes one - you've got 'Cohc-chops' instead of choc-chips.
man its like you have a thing for peeing fillies.......
just kidding
good going!
There's a lot I like about this story, but I also echo the comments about pacing (not that I should talk) and getting an editor. Also:
Bon-Bon’s scent made itself known, meaning she’d started hugging Scootaloo too.
That setence is so poorly constructed it couldn't handle a slight breeze.
But have an upvote and I'll be watching to see where this goes
4256568
i smell a liar you where not leaking liquid pride, for there is no pride to be had here you where balling your eyes out and so was i
I couldn't just let it be.
scootaloo a bed-wetter, interesting, gross but interesting.
after reading that line I laughed so hard I almost wet myself
good story so far
4255549 yea, but maybe you perform religious ceremonies in the bed
4257190 thank you for the positive comment.
Ps. i love your avatar. i;'ve recently become a fan of nyx