Tracy had never so much as taken a plane before, let alone sat in first class. While he sat alone for long hours debugging his work in a lab somewhere, he’d often imagined what it would be like one day, when he worked for a big company. They’d fly him all over to technical conferences, and he’d always ride in business class.
His ride to Canterlot could only be described as “princess class.” It was like the personal trains of any number of kings and dictators, without any of the security features. Marble and gold with lots of open space, and seats so soft it challenged every preconception he had of Equestrian textiles. The car had its own full-service bar with refreshments and unidentifiable bubbling drinks.
Tracy ignored all of it, sitting awkward and alone in a back corner, waiting for it to be over. He’d worn his usual clothes for the trip, but that was all. What good would a laptop or even a wallet do?
If you’d asked me to think of a way for you three to be stupider than this, I couldn’t have done it. He leaned out against the stained-glass window, watching the countryside roll by. But instead of relaxing and peaceful, he couldn’t help but scan the rolling fields for any sign of activity. Maybe Anton was hiding behind that old farmhouse. How far could they have wandered by now? Or maybe they’d just blunder into that big forest everyone was afraid of, and never come out again.
“You want to keep brooding alone?” asked a familiar voice. Roseluck prodded him in the shoulder, nearly making him jump from the seat. He spun, ears flattening in embarrassment.
Yes. But she was coming to the trial too. If she sided with Discord, that might make things worse for his friends. “No.” He spun back around, settling his forelegs in front of him in a sitting position that was only slightly awkward. As he twisted, an oversized book fell out of his vest, clattering onto the floor between their seats.
Rose picked it up in her mouth, tossing it into his lap before climbing up beside him. It was his borrowed copy of Thestrals Fly Too! not even half read yet thanks to his friends.
For a few minutes the mare sat beside him without a word. Twilight’s conversation with her friends and Spike mixed with the rattling of wheels on track. Finally Rose sighed, her voice barely audible over the rumbling. “You said you weren’t an invader, Tracy. You were trapped just like me, Discord tricked you. Explain this.”
Damn. What could he say? She’d already heard the whole explanation. What could possibly make her understand?
“My friends are idiots,” he said. “Ely never had a lot to do. When we were growing up together, we mostly just got into trouble. Blowing things up in the desert, sneaking into places we didn’t belong. We got better. I went to school so I could get a real job, Shane did too. I think Marshall started working at a garage…”
It wasn’t working. Roseluck’s eyes narrowed. “You’re a criminal?”
“No!” he yelled, loud enough that even the princess glanced across the room at them. He winced, looking away from them. “We never hurt anyone, Roseluck. We never stole anything, we were just… kids, stupid kids. I have no idea why they would want to sneak into your world. Sneaking into my house to play some kind of prank on me would be typical—but not all this. I want nothing more than to send them back where they came from.”
Roseluck didn’t look away from him, bright red eyes only inches from his face watching with suspicion. “I thought I could trust you, Tracy. Helping my sisters and I… I thought maybe our worlds weren’t so different. But now I don’t know what to think.”
She got up, marching glumly to the other side of the car. She left him alone for the remainder of the ride.
More luxury waited for them when noon came, and they were finally arriving in Canterlot. Their train detached from the rest of the cars, continuing up the mountainside higher than Tracy had yet gone. They pulled to a stop only just outside the castle gates.
The structure was even more impressive in person, perched so precariously on a cliffside that seemed so steep that a landslide must be seconds away.
But there were no landslides, only stern-looking guards who glowered at him as he brought up the rear of the royal party.
They passed through a sprawling castle garden, richly attended by dozens of workers. He only got one look at distant statues and water-features, then it was up a set of marble steps and through towering double doors.
This isn’t how this was supposed to happen, he thought, watching Rose’s retreating tail ahead of him. Seeing this castle from the flight school made him long to know what was inside. There was bound to be a chance, maybe after class, or maybe before. Equestria had to offer tours.
He was certainly supervised—four stern-looking ponies in gold armor followed their group with every step, and most of their attention was on him. He got only seconds to appreciate the vast scope of a long throne-room, with stained glass on either side—then they were on their way down a maze of different stairs and hallways into the stony flesh of the mountain.
Would a magical horse-princess keep an actual dungeon? Maybe I’m on my way to join the others as an inconvenience to the crown. Could Discord still collect on his soul if he was jailed in Canterlot?
“Tracy, up here,” Twilight called, her voice imperious. He slipped past the others, stopping beside Twilight and another heavy door. It was made of metal, not wood. So maybe they did have a dungeon.
He lowered his head respectfully, though he doubted it would make much difference. “Are you going to throw me in jail, Princess?”
“What?” Her eyes widened, baffled. “Don’t be so melodramatic. Nopony’s getting thrown in jail.” She nodded towards another armored guard, resting just beside the door. Like most of the guards Tracy had seen today, she wasn’t armed. What was she actually supposed to do if there was violence here? Or maybe pegasus ponies didn’t need weapons.
“We found them crossing the orchards outside Ponyville. It’s possible they stole a few pears, but we don’t know that.”
He stepped back from the door, wings spreading in surprise. “Wait, so fast?”
She nodded, a little pride visible even through her helmet. “Her Majesty’s Cloudguard has the best record for finding lost ponies anywhere in Equestria. I flew ahead to tell the princess we’d found what she was looking for. They should be back in Ponyville in time for the evening express, so just a few hours from now.”
Twilight’s horn glowed again, and the heavy door squeaked open. Inside was what he could only describe as a comfortable hotel room? Or… those were locks on the doors, and heavy bars on the windows. So maybe not.
The builders had done their best to mitigate the dinginess of plain stone with lots of soft carpet and warm light, and there were several separate bedrooms.
Twilight was the first to step inside, and he had no choice but to follow. “It seems at least one part of your story was true, Tracy. They didn’t hurt anypony… but Discord is still going to make his case. If these are really your friends, you may want to wait for them. My friends and I are going to visit Celestia, and hopefully figure out what Discord is doing with you. I read that lease you signed on the ride up here…”
Twilight shook her head, expression parental. “What were you thinking to make you sign something like that?”
He shook his head. “I should’ve read the fine print, Princess. But I was desperate enough that I probably would’ve signed it anyway.”
The Alicorn turned to go. “This room won’t be locked until they arrive—technically they’re criminals, until the princess hears their case. If you want to leave, just let the Royal Guard lead you out. You don’t want to get lost down here, trust me.”
She vanished out the doorway, the colorful line of ponies following behind her. Only Roseluck remained, slipping through the door.
Rose slowed, pawing at the carpet. “Well this is… fancy. I wonder if they used to keep Unicornia nobles in here, back when ponies ransomed each other and battled and stuff.”
He shrugged, slumping into the sofa. There were no appliances here, nothing to distract him while they waited. But at least the princess was true to her word: the door didn’t slam closed, locking them down here. “You’re staying?”
She shrugged, taking a chair opposite him. “If I’m not on their side, then I’m on Discord’s. That just doesn’t feel right. But I would like an apology for breaking in like that. And… for somepony to fix the door.”
“I’m sure they’ll have a very good reason for this insanity as soon as they get here,” he said, without a hint of confidence in his voice. “I’ll do the door myself as soon as this is over. Hopefully I don’t have to replace the whole thing. If it’s a Monsters, Inc. thing and the door is magic, I’m screwed.”
“Monsters… what?”
“Nevermind.” Tracy folded his forelegs over his chest, staring down at nothing in particular. “I’m supposed to be coming up with some kinda defense, right? Can you tell me anything about the princess? She’s like Twilight?”
“Princess Celestia?” Roseluck laughed, her voice only slightly strained. “Not… really. She banished her sister to the moon for a thousand years once. While Equestria was still divided into bickering tribes, she helped unify us under one flag. She’s ruled before the castle was built—before any of us were born. She’ll probably still be ruling long after we’re dead.”
“She didn’t seem unreasonable when we met her,” he countered. “Maybe a little too dark and mysterious, but nice. I’ve met plenty of politicians who could’ve learned from her.”
“That was Luna,” Roseluck said, exasperated. “She’s newer. This whole thing involves other worlds, Discord, maybe invaders… Princess Celestia usually deals with the big stuff. Raising the sun every morning is only the start of the Solar Court. I wonder how long we’ll have to wait.”
Tracy picked her brain for as many details as he could while they waited. Most of it sounded like mythology, but that was probably just as important here. The myth of the royal family would be just as real to them as the truth.
Unfortunately not much of it seemed terribly useful. The solar princess was harsh enough to turn her foes to stone one minute, but let a yellow press print rumors of her overindulging in sweets the next. She held strict obedience to ancient traditions, then left the yearly rituals in the hooves of complete novices, who inevitably wrecked everything.
She was powerful enough that she lifted the sun in the sky every morning, yet weak enough that she’d been defeated by multiple enemies in the past. Including Discord, who was also now the landlord of a duplex in San Jose?
“I’m never going to make any sense of this,” he declared, head slumping into his lap. “Is this like… real real, or just real?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Roseluck called from the kitchen. Apparently it was fully stocked for their arrival, icebox and all. While he’d been asking questions and fidgeting in place fast enough that he’d begun to work the cushions off the sofa, she’d taken every green thing out of the fridge and started arranging it. Slices of fruit, stalks of asparagus, and florets of broccoli were all coming together in front of her in something vaguely approaching a pony face. “It’s real, yeah. Lots of this stuff happened during my lifetime.”
“Well yeah, but—”
Several sets of hooves sounded in the hall outside, scraping and stumbling as they walked. It had taken weeks of practice before Tracy could walk with confidence. His friends had only been here a day.
“We have the prisoners!” called a royal guard. “If you two stay in there, you’ll be locked in.”
“We know,” Tracy yelled back. “Rose, are you staying?”
She nodded. “I’m not finished with lunch yet.”
Sigh, keeps the cliffhanger going with no resolution as to what they were doing there.
Well this was non-informative and uneventful.
I feel like this story's going in a direction where Tracy is going to decide to stay in Equestria. He's slowly losing all his ties to Earth if the last message from his boss is any indication. Might lose his friends too depending on how the next chapter goes.
Not that living with a paranoid roommate that is constantly looking for signs that you're secretly trying to take over the kingdom and make cookies illegal or whatever is much better. I mean flight sounds nice, but he hasn't even done that yet.
You know, Rose and Tracy need to have a nice long sit down and talk a bit.
Gah. These parts really bother me.
I can't tell whether Roseluck's just kinda thick, or whether information is deliberately being kept from us to keep the suspense/drama going. In the last chapter, she only mentioned that she was woken up by their shouting downstairs. Aside from breaking the door and maybe messing up the house, they hadn't stolen anything or assaulted or even confronted her.
Those don't exactly scream military invasion. Hooligans, at most. And Tracy had already explained in the previous chapter that he didn't know why they'd broken in.
Maybe that's just some latent xenophobia colouring her perception.
Not exactly a fan of Tracy's response here, either.
From what we've read, he's only given the explanation once. I don't think there was any part in the last two chapters indicating that they'd had an offscreen conversation about this.
So... it seems a little off that he's given up so quickly. Most people would at least try repeating their explanation, and maybe get a little exasperated at Roseluck's stubbornness, before becoming as resigned as he seems to be in this chapter.
Like, dude, bite back a little and stand up for yourself and/or your friends. You've already established that coming to Equestria was a freaky experience that would make most people panic and do stupid stuff. Roseluck of all ponies should be no stranger to panic-induced stupidity. Don't go off on some tangential backstory that further incriminates yourselves in her eyes.
That is, unless Tracy actually has something like Asperger's Syndrome that makes it hard for him to stand his ground in situations like this. I guess I might've missed the signs if there were any.
“Oh, fuck off.” That’s a quote, from me, that I said before I even consciously recognized I was speaking. Roseluck here is being an unbelieveable asshole. As in, it’s so downright weird that I’m half suspecting she’s a changeling.
Then she just acts like nothing’s wrong, because of course she does. Being mad at his friends is totally justified, sure. But ... she doesn’t even apologize for the, uh, racism? Speciesm? Whatever the actual word is for when a frankly minor crime makes her doubt the collective character of an entire world full of people.
I’ll be honest, this part has been dragging on for a long time. It’d be different if the chapters were combined, or released in batches, or I were reading this after the fact, but the only thing that provoked any sort of emotional reaction in me lately is Roseluck’s odd bout of dickishness.
Yeah, headed first into the unknown dimension and got lost in the process seem to represent that statement really well. But I think showing them the gateway to other dimension in the first place was equally stupid thing to do so - since he said he knew they are idiots.
Just when it seems like she'd gotten her head wrapped around him. At what point during the home invasion did it seem like he endorsed their actions or was even aware of them? This bit really does feel like manufactured drama, especially since it doesn't seem to color Rose's interactions with Tracy later in the chapter. Heck, you'd think she could empathize with the whole "they're idiots, but they're my idiots" thing given her own sisters.
Well, technically yes. Though from a certain perspective, she's much older.
"They're so ancient, I'm thoroughly sick of them... but I also can't get rid of them. This is the next best thing."
I'm not sure what Tracy means by this. I think it's "actually happened" versus "folklore accepted as truth," but that's a best guess.
Meanwhile, this chapter falls somewhere between "building tension" and "frustrating nonevent." We'll see where it goes from here.
I don't like Rose's stupidity in this chapter. She can't be that dense.
Argh, cliffhangers. But I guess transitionary chapters are necessary sometimes.
Well, let's see where this takes us.
You, me, and a lot of other people.
Roseluck has green eyes. Anyway, it's really unfortunate Rose regressed back into suspicion after so much improvement. With Tracy having absolutely no blame in this. Nothing really kills a relationship faster than a conception about an entire people. This spreads to other ponies, pretty sure Tracy wouldn't be so welcomed anymore by most. That'll probably kill his enthusiasm and we'll be back to where we started.
"I thought maybe our worlds weren’t so different. But now I don’t know what to think."
.... She's lived through the chaotic BS the elements put Ponyville, right? Like the Pinkie clones, star bear attack, or workaholic Applejack and the tainted muffins. Hell, even Discord and his short lived 'evil' breakout.
A small break in is nothing compared to that.
I'm anticipating at least one round of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I kind of wish you stopped using a regular publishing schedule. It seem that the only result is you writing about 2000 words and then rush-publishing it without checking for incoherence and we are often left with chapters that don't feel like chapters, but just disjointed fragments.
It is not awful, but it's frustrating because it feel like it could be more then it is.
Now they can come up with an explanation for ther actions. I hope Tracy's friends had an actual reason for their behavior and that Discord has to apolagize again for his actions.
Silly Roseluck, stop being so skittish! You've known him for months and he's been nothing but honest with you. Is it really so hard to set aside your past and let your heart be open? 😔
A little necessary interlude. Now to finally hear what the boneheads were trying to accomplish with their little stunt..
Keep going! ;)
10383322
Hi have you read r/entitled parents yes people can and are that desnse
10383315
I’m hoping that part of Tracy’s development arc includes him becoming more proactive and interesting. Because you are right, he’s pretty much a leaf being blown about by the wind at this point.
10383315
10383317
(and probably others)
Would Roseluck be racist? We're talking an entire town of black and white racists (zecora), ponies leaping to conclusions, etc.
Rose finding out that her roommate broke the law, even as a child ... what's the worst you've seen a child do on the show? CMC in a taffy mixer is the worst I can think of, and this sounds much worse.
So yea, I can see Rose jumping to conclusions like this.
But, she stays.
10383344
I am too, with Roseluck and Tracy taking center stage
The story's general lack of comment or note on how Tracy responds to Rose on an emotional level is particularly visible in this chapter. We really need an eye into the character's emotional states, because its turning these dramatic moments into things that merely happened.
"Roseluck didn’t look away from him, bright red eyes only inches from his face watching with suspicion." Rose's eyes aren't red, they're green. Or more specifically, "Pale, light grayish chartreuse green". http://www.perbang.dk/rgb/B8DC8F/ https://mlp.fandom.com/wiki/Rose
"More luxury waited for them when noon came, and they were finally arriving in Canterlot." Maybe have it as "and they finally arrived in Canterlot."
Finally time for some explanations, I’m still betting discord had something to do with this...
Rose, he's basically saying he was one of the human version of the CMC. S'not that outlandish!
10383555
This is true, specially since many people who read the horse words assume immediately that the main character is a spineless person who loves the hoof which slaps him if it is not displayed on some level.
10383560
I mean, you and other people are aware... people ref to other's having red eyes when they're cried a fuckton beforehand.
Really Rose, REALLY? like you never had friends or family be utter idiots.
Oh hey Dash wreks the Weather Factory. no bad. Three people from another world end up in Equestra after a break in. DO NO DAMAGE BESDIES THE DOOR and they are given the thrid degree? and considering Discord instiagted this. COME ON!
Damm cliffhanger, a lot of build up and no resolution.
2000-ish words sure goes quickly when enjoying the story, definitely eager to see how this will go from here.
I'm particularly interested in the why. Why did they think this was a good idea?
10383699
Now that you mention it, I am aware of that expression, but it was ambiguous. Could have said "bloodshot" or "tired" to mean the same thing. But in a world where eye colors can be more than just brown, hazel, green, or blue, saying "red eyes" is easier to take literally.
This wild speculation and jumping to conclusions are massive red flags for Rose. Tracy should not date her at all, she is crazy. Just the idea that he could cheat on her would result in her conclusion that he is if they ever are to date.
And later Rose is reasonable and talking to Tracy.... Is she bipolar?
10383369
...
You do realize it’s all essentially written beforehand, right?
hum but chewing in coming.
i would say but beating but that is not the pony way.
10383485
As far as I can tell, the CMC, Snips and Snails do not have criminal records.
Kids frequently do technically illegal stuff that would land adults in jail or with criminal fines. And most societies let minors off the hook (aside from child-appropriate punishments) because, well, they're kids. Kids do stupid stuff without fully understanding the potential consequences of their actions.
So, let's look a the statement that made Roseluck conclude that he was a criminal:
Assuming she understands that he was a kid when when talking about this part of his life, they're guilty of trespassing and maybe delinquency, at most. Typical kid stuff that usually don't land kids with criminal records.
'Blowing things up in the desert' is something that should prompt a request for elaboration, as opposed to assuming that, what, he was a saboteur or child soldier?
It really does not feel like a natural conversation, as Roseluck is remarkably quick to assume the worst of him. I'm left wondering whether this is an intentional aspect of Roseluck's character, or an unintended side effect of the author attempting to be thrifty with the wordcount.
So, no, I'll have to disagree. I don't think I can let Roseluck off the hook for jumping to conclusions this quickly. At least, not with the information currently on hoof.
10383994
Even if true, it doesn't really change my points. All of the chapters except the 2 or 3 first are 1800 to 2200 words (which make it feel like an arbitrary limit) and are often feeling a bit incomplete and inconclusive. Add to that a lot of little details missed here and there in the scenario.
The story is not bad/awful, but it's kind of gripping and it could be improved greatly with a little more beta-reading and a few chapters re-arranged. This speak of a rush publication to meet a schedule at all cost.
Twilight--he obviously wasn't at the time. I'm pretty sure he already said as such when describing his side of the story earlier.
Now I'm never not going to think of that door like that.
10383315
I largely have to agree--it's frustrating that Roseluck has pretty much reverted to assuming the absolute worse case scenario despite little evidence to support it again. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised considering that she's one of the Flower Mares, and paranoid overreacting to everything is their forte...but still, it seems very unjustified even by her standards now. Before it made sense because she didn't really know that much about Tracy or the world he came from, but while his world is still more mystery than knowledge to her, she's gotten to know Tracy and details about his world from what he's mentioned to her. I would think she'd be at least willing to hear Tracy out for his side of the story and be at least a little willing to take him at his word, not all this "this has completely shattered my faith in you completely" stuff.
As for Tracy giving up trying to explain to her though...that's unfortunately, but at the same time I can see why. He's already plenty frustrated himself and his mind is weighed down with the troubles with his friends, having to try and sort out the situation with Roseluck at the same time is less than ideal, and he already knows first hand how hard it is to try and convince Roseluck away from her paranoia once she's already settled onto it as "the only explanation." To him, now's not the time and place, and he's probably thinking the most he can do is show he's telling the truth by continuing to play into the role he's already claimed to her that he's doing, which should be easy, since it's the truth. The rest he'll probably have to leave to Roseluck to figure out on her own.
Still...it all does feel a bit more drama for drama's sake just to shake things up in the story, something I question if it really needed to be dragged out this far in order to do.
All in all, the characterization throughout this whole chapter just feels off and poorly handled, which is disappointing, seeing the story's been doing a fairly good job about this up until now. I also have to echo other commenters and myself again that this whole little storyarc feels like it's dragging on just a little too long, and it doesn't help that this chapter pretty did nothing to further advance it except establish that they changed locations and Roseluck's being unreasonable about it. I don't like saying that because I do like the story...but at the same time, there's no point in mincing words about it, so...there it is.
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Considering this is the CMC we're comparing him to...I'm not sure that actually helps his case much.
A lot of readers are complaining about the reactions of Roseluck and Tracy to these events, and... I don't agree.
I think that Starscribe is doing what an author should do, which is inhabit the heads of the characters to write from what THEY know and feel, and not what we, and the author, may know and feel.
Roseluck has been portrayed, carefully, as a many-times burned mare who has had failed relationships with bat-ponies in the past. She has been hurt. She is also clearly suffering some form of post-traumatic disorder from all of the... adventures... that have happened in Ponyville in the past. She's seen more horrific events happen than any highly pastoral pony really should. What we enjoy about the heroism of the Mane Six is trauma for the average citizen - one would expect every ordinary person living in the Marvel-Comics-Universe to shit themselves when a fork drops by now. Likewise with the ponies of often-attacked Ponyville! Roseluck is depicted as especially fragile, too. So, she is a very messed-up mare.
Tracy is in way over his head. He is not the sharpest mace in the armory, though he is brighter than his friends. He has troubles expressing how he feels - which clearly is something no male ever, ever, ever displays as a behavior trait. Not ever. So unrealistic. Sarcasm here. Tracy is a good guy, but he is not superhuman. He is doing his best, but he has no concept of anything we, as pony readers, know or understand. To him, he is dealing with Strange Alien Creatures From An Alien Universe, not 'ponies' as we think of them. He doesn't even know about MLP:FIM. It almost certainly does not exist in his version of reality. He is frightened, overwhelmed, unsure of everything and everyone, and he is very much on the spot. I cannot think he would have any clue what to say, and he would be under vast stress beyond our comprehension (when was the last time you faced charges in an alien universe ruled by bizarre inhuman creatures?).
I think every interaction here is quite realistic, and very well written.
Haha, yes.
Well, This chapter did it for me, I'm just going to wait until the entire story is posted before I read anymore. The repeated cliffhangers and chapters where almost nothing actually happens is not something I want to subject myself to on a chapter by chapter basis. I do have an interest in this story, and I have enjoyed most of it until now, but I just cannot stay invested if the chapters don't resolve anything.
10384124
I can agree that Tracy’s actions make sense, especially if interpreted in a generous light, but the thing is, I don’t think I should have to do that interpreting. Starscribe is leaving a lot of his emotional reactions extemely opaque, and while that can be done well, I’d argue that right here, it isn’t. And yes, Roseluck could be an extremely touchy person who’s going to react with hostility at the first sign that someone is not who they seem, but it wasn’t set up very well. Some signs were there, but they weren’t made clear enough. There’s an art to foreshadowing these kinds of character reactions, and in the past Starscribe has done this very well. Here, he just hasn’t. Maybe I’m being unfair for expecting everything he writes to be at the same level of quality or higher, but I believe he could manage it with a bit of rewriting.
10384014
Chapters of approximately 2k words is what Starscribe promises for his Patreon-sponsored stories. It may be "arbitrary", but it's a promise of a product in exchange for money. That means courts can potentially get involved if the promise is not fulfilled.
I mean, I seriously doubt any patron is going to sue Starscribe if he started slamming out 10k word chapters, but 2k is what's being paid for. So 2k is what you should expect to be delivered.
10384014
Funny how that works. With money being exchanged for goods and services based upon agreed terms. 🙃
10384223
To be completely honest I kinda like that he didnt make that clear. I prefer when writers dont answer all the questions for you and make you look for them yourself.
I'm gonna call you Sylvester Stallone because you love a Cliffhanger.
I can't help but think the best way for him to explain the actions of his friends to Roseluck would be to paraphrase some wisdom from Clark Griswold.
"Roseluck... Haven't you EVER known anyone whose heart was bigger than their brain?"
One thing I've noticed is that a lot of times there seems to be a minor time skip between chapters. And that each chapter seems like a smaller section of what could be larger.
At the same time, this is (I believe Starscribe has said) this is shaping up to be a full 100K word story/novel. So if anything is being left out, it's the old adage of "cut, cut, and cut some more". Nothing that has been left out is critical to the story. Yes, you might be able to add some character exposition, but adding words just to add words is never a good idea.
(says the man whose one fimfic story is excessively light on description and could use a doubling of wordcount easily.)
Wew, quite a debate from an invested audience we have going on here! That usually means you're doing a good job! I for one am really enjoying the story, even despite all these damn cliffhangers!!
10385317
Not always. Sometimes it means that a chapter is rolling several strokes over par.
Hmmm... I kind of figured you were building up for some conflict and tension. This is an odd way to do things though. Do friends break into friends homes? No. That's not what friends do. That's what crazy people who call themselves your friend do. I declare these three not friends of Tracy crazy people. I propose a complete mind-wipe of these not friends and leave them out to the wilderness to acclimate to their newfound lives as babies within adult bodies.
10384658
You’re describing a general case, but context is important. Here and now, the main character’s emotions have been made very opaque, and Roseluck’s little outburst came pretty much out of nowhere. Can these events have been executed well? Of course they could. Almost nothing is off limits when done by a skilled writer. The question, however, is if they were executed well. And I would put forth that they weren’t.
A good way to tell when you’ve done something wrong is to look for feedback, especially from people who haven’t done much writing themselves. Now, generally you don’t accept what they say you should change, both because they don’t really know and because their vision of the best version of your story likely diverges significantly from yours. But if a bunch of people are saying that something rubbed them the wrong way, that’s a clue that something was done wrong. Maybe the entire chapter everyone’s mad at is perfect, actually, and the real problem lies in the foreshadowing, so you go back ten chapters and add a few sentences that make everything feel more natural.
But that doesn’t change the fact that something is wrong.
It looks like there's a slight typographical error there. Let me fix it.
See? Much better! Nobody in Ponyville would call a child who got into trouble, snuck into places they weren't supposed to be, and/or blew things up a criminal. That'd just be silly.