Ralrak
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Ralrak · 22k words · 42 7 · 1.5k views
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Honestly I am LOVING this right now. Not even for the possible porn and spicy scenes to come. No because of how they addressed Spike not feeling like part of the group. It really makes alot of sense when you think of it all and I really can't wait to see how this will go. Not for the intimate scene but for the development in the group and of Spike. I mean do those two REALLY think that Spike will want any intimate or moment with those two after this? He will turn them away for sure, but once they beg and plead for a chance to make it right Spike will break. Because to him THEY are the most important people in his life. Sure they might not see him as one of them and as a joke, but as long as he is in their life he is.... happy? That is how he will see it at least. What I want to know is how Rarity feel for this Spike. I am a MAJOR sucker for Sparity to this day and I think it would be interesting if this is a spark to her thinking on her feelings on Spike. And maybe not just her but Twilight as well, really out of EVERYONE I think Rarity and Twilight has the closest bond to Spike and those two fit as possible partners to him better than anyone.
So, this feels anthro even though its not tagged? Why would Rarity need to cover her front if she's non-anthro?
10125465
Yes, this story is anthro. Sorry about that, I'll tag it properly. Thank you.
10125396
I'm glad you love this. And as a spoiler You're not too far off on Dash and Pinkey begging for forgiveness. I can't say Spike will get all the mares, unfortunately. But I have some ideas for the next story.
10126291
That is fine with me and makes me happy to hear honesty. I feel the story has more impact and genuine connection if he doesnt get all the girls but just those close to him. That is why to me twi and rarity would be the best match for him. Tho that is my opinion lol. Still cant wait to see more of your works and hopefully more Spike centered stories
10125396
Except maybe Starlight.
10126389
Yeah. Another thing you brought up was how they treat him. I mean Twilight, having a brother/sister relationship, kinda treats him like a slave or an employee at times. We do see Rarity kinda being just flat out mean at times to Spike, but we do see her treat him well other times as well (at the spa in dragon drop, or valuing his option at a jeweler). The only ones I think treat Spike well throughout are Pinkie, Applejack and Fluttershy.
It's a good concept, but it would be far easier to read if you got a proof-reader. Your grammar is honestly not very good. For one thing, you have commas and periods both before and after the quotation marks on the dialogues. Once a sentence ends inside the quotation marks, you don't need further commas or periods.
That being said, I like how you fleshed this concept out more than In Hot Water did; your version has the characters acting much more realistic with their personas.
10127154
Thank you for the feedback and kind words. Grammar has, ironically, been a weak point of my writing. I tried to use a grammar program to help, but it appears that it's not working. So if I'm understanding you right, it should be Spike said "No! Don't go into the light.". ?
10127713
It should be:
Spike said, "No! Don't go into the light."
No extra period after the " (quotation marks). The sentence ended after the first period and the quotation marks signify the end of Spike's dialogue.
...If you do want a proof-reader, myself and others are available. I'll admit, I've never proof-read a clop-fic before, but I can help with the grammar if nothing else.
10128177
I see. Thank you. I edited pt 1 a bit with those corrections (I hope I have anyway). I appreciate the offer for a proofreader but I'm going to study grammar instead. Thank you again anyway for the tips.
Dashie and Pinkie just know they fucked up. Though tbh, I think it would’ve been just a little more impactful if Twi held up the towel with the blood stain to further emphasize just how badly they did.
I’m SOOO looking forward to the rest of this!
10137992
Many thanks!
10137935
I didn’t think of that. Maybe if she was less angry. I did try to write her in such a rage state she was trying to hold herself back more than shame them.
This was interesting to be sure. I like that this seem to be triggering a bit of a greed mentality in him but not enough to cause him to be a monster. It shows he is more than what his body is and he is ONLY growing slower because of his lack of gems hoarding and fearing what he is. But SOME parts of him are big as the girls are seeing. Which onto them I like how they are respecting him during all of this but still keeping it friendly. This FEELS like three friends having a intimate but still casual moment. They are doing this but it wont change their relationships or make them fall in love with each other. They are all horny and they want pleasure but they are friends first. And they are all cool with that. I still can't wait to see THIS Spike afterwards have a more passionate and deep moment with Rarity and/or Twilight as to my those two still have the deepest and most romantic bond with them.
This was a great story and I really like how Spike and the girls didn't go too far and Spike honestly does seem like the type to want to hold out for that special someone. I do like how it feels like the three of them are closer friends now and I don't just mean because of the intimate actions but more from their talking and really getting the chance to know one another. I am sad to hear the Sparity bridge burned... at least Spike THINKS it is burnt. But honestly I really hope it isn't I think this very noble and sweet Spike would be a great match for her and it would be fun to see them transition from friends to something more.
10163614
Thank you! I was hoping to show a more intimate moment between the 3. I won't say the Sparity ship is completely burnt but I can't say it will be in my next story.
so there is a sequel?
10166110
I’m going to work on it. I’ve already started a bit of it but need to work on where I’m going with it. Also thanks for the fav!!
The stories not poorly written by any means, for the most part spelling and grammar are solid, the stories good even if I think somethings took odd turns, and genuinely the feelings of the characters are pretty well represented and expressed, but there is one blaring issue... You don't describe anything. You got asked if this was anthro because their really is zero indication. I can't tell you what Spike looks like, if hes short, tall, muscular, lean, has scales, has wing or doesn't, is orange or purple, about the only thing we know is his dick is esteemed by Dash to be 9 inches. It's actually the only physical trait that's described. The girls have nothing... fur color, hair color, hair style, size, shape, boobs(A.J. has big ones and so do "most of them," can't tell you which ones.), nipple color, pussy color, how tone they are, how soft even once you talk about physical contact. You basically just named a character and expected the reader to make up every detail. A big part of a writer's job is to paint a picture with words, but the focal point of your story, the characters, are just white splotches. You describe the positions they take decently, but you didn't give us a body to put into those positions. All fan fiction should describe the characters regardless of if there appearance is the same as the show or not, but when you move to something vastly different from the source material, like anthro for ponies, it's even more important. Never assume because we know the source material that we just know what they look like. A ton of stories written after Spike got his wings don't have him with them. That's really the only thing that stopped this from being a quality piece of fan-fiction. It's good, but you missed it being fantastic.
This isn't to discourage you; I want you to succeed. Taking this step will bring you all the closer to doing that.
10169824
Thank you for your critique and encouragement. It’s been a while since I wrote something and this one of my first times writing porn. When I write, I like to give details for the reader with revealing and adding details with the context within the story as dialog or action. I also like the reader to imagine some of the characters’ details as I thought everyone who would read this had a preset in their mind. I don’t like writing things like “Spike, with his toned abs and powerful thighs, railed the juicy pussy that laid in front of him.” or “Pinkie Pie, a voluptuous woman with large DD breast that stood about 5’10’’, handed Spike a cupcake.” It’s why I wrote things such as how Spike found Rainbow Dash’s breast fit in his hand comfortably, to show that either Rainbow Dash had small breasts (or Spike had big hands I guess) and described her limbs as toned as well. As for Spike’s size, he is about just below shoulder height to Pinkie Pie (while his face is in her breast and his crotch lining up to her crotch). You’re right on I thought of these characters as pre-defined characters. I expected things such as the skin and hair colors and style would be already known from the shows and didn’t think there would be confusion about that part. There was a part I kinda edit out where they did stare at each other for a bit so Spike could get comfortable and he would kinda describe their bodies with his inner dialog and some talk with them but I thought it felt awkward to write and read. I was kinda planning to add that part back in for the next story but I need to write in a way that feels organic to me. You have a good point as this is pre or post molting. I do agree I should have described the actions more vividly. I will try to add that kind of detail when I write porn in the future.
That made me laugh, it's like a bad porno writing. Generally, yeah both of those examples aren't super great since once is ridiculously porny, and the other while being common... way too common, in nature, is just too specific. Generals good and in story is great, but it's rough when you have a bunch of characters in a room and no way to picture them because all of that comes in later.
I usually don't like to use my own work as reference since it tends to feel... bias, but I think Paradise has an excellent example of character description and setting in the first few paragraphs. Broad enough to allow imagination to fill in gaps but direct enough to give you a clear and defined base for the character. Equally true it comes in waves and is mixed in with story telling so as not to be a wordy description(Mind you I have those in some stories too. When you have a lot of characters at once it's usually just one of the best methods.) It's just best to treat it as if the person reading has no preconceived notions. Like I said you did pretty good, so with more coming, I look forward to you doing better still.
For the most part, I think you described the actions pretty well.
10171943
That's a fair point with wanting to image the characters sooner than find out what they look like later. Also, sorry if the reply came out snarky. I came home with a migraine from work late and just wanted the world to burn. I’ll take a look at paradise when I get the chance. I just added it to my read later.
10174264
Don't worry about it, I've had much snarkier, and criticism can be hard to take. I've had far worse replies, lol.
Fimfic nowadays has become pretty filled with people screaming more and raising up stories that are complete messes as if they were literary masterpieces, which in turn as given birth to some pretty big headed authors. You however, clearly put the work into this and want to improve, and that makes all of this worth it to me. It's nice to see people who still give a fuck about writing something of quality and not just gaining followers or trying to convince people to commission them(usually, to write poor plot and grammatically nightmarish stories).
So who does Spike have a thing for?
11176946
I can't say he has a thing for Pinky or Dash. I would say he's still dealing with his feelings at that time.
11177857
What about that girl griffin he spent time with?
11178094
You're thinking of Gabby. These stories take place in my own head cannon and this takes place before that.
Chapter 1 review:
This was very solid. Spike stood up for himself and balked at what happened, Twi and Rarity stood up for him, all quite good. The grammar and pacing is a little wonky, but otherwise quite enjoyable so far.
Chapter 2 review:
Grammar was off in several places and the photo shoot was incredibly confusing to follow, but I'm actually very glad that Spike just kinda did what they suggested but never went any farther or asked for anything more once the shoot was over.
Spike standing up for himself and not being a mindless horndog is a really enjoyable change of pace that I hope continues.
Chapter 3 review:
Pinkie and RD actually did some good redeeming here since they didn't drop the actual friendship and worked to overcome a bashfulness for Spike. Nice work, though again, character placement and position is a little confusing at times.