• Member Since 22nd Nov, 2019
  • offline last seen February 2nd

flutterJackdash


Reviewer, Editor, Proofreader, and maybe friend? Brony since 2012. Autistic. Christian. 36/m, call me Andy.

E

Fresh Apple was the strong patriarch of the Apple Clan, but everything must eventually fade. Applejack found this out before anypony.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 29 )

This was great man, one of my first reads on this site. Never really got engrossed in a read in a long time this totally got me hooked! The way you keep the reader going with the sudden moments of happiness and fear, it's one of my favourites on here. Keep it up man!

9962017
Oh my, that is great praise! Thank you so much, I am humbled!

Good work mate.

I’m slightly on edge about this story. On one hand, it is clear a lot of thought and details was put into it, on the other, the execution doesn’t really do it justice. A few random little errors aside, the main problems I have encountered were mainly stylistic in nature. The story started out well, showing nicely the bond between Applejack and Fresh. However, the other scenes gradually lost that sheen, resembling more and more a mere summary of actions and feelings, rather than anything with proper immersive atmosphere. Furthermore, I was wondering the whole time why the first flashback scene was in present tense and the rest in past tense.

9985493
All are well and truly valid points, and things I've observed myself. This was written 2 years ago, by a much less skilled me, and I haven't taken the time to do much more than refine and find, apparently, most of the errors. So, yes, I feel the same way as you do. In fact, I called it amateurish when I re-read it. As for the change in tense? I think I just wasn't paying attention and I began to rush it as well. This is something I'll probably work on, posting newer versions as follow-up chapters. Thank you for your feedback!

9985496
You’re welcome! Glad I could help a little, if you can even call it help, that is :twilightsheepish:

9985499
I call any feedback help, even if it's just blasting me with name calling it amounts to something. How'd I touch that nerve? Let me explore that. It's all constructive if I allow it to be. Or can I be small-minded and thick-headed and stubborn and never grow. But I don't like that option very much.

9985504

Or can I be small-minded and thick-headed and stubborn and never grow. But I don't like that option very much.

Approach of a reasonable man. Sadly not all people on this site react so kindly to any kind of more honest feedback, so I just like to be safe.

9985511
I live a bit more dangerously than most, I think. I'll speak my mind, say what I really think of people's writing, and I'll do with whatever fallout comes. Of course, I don't feel any need to be harsh or insulting so much as I'd like to be constructive and help to educate where I can, all while still learning new things for myself. And it's okay, because no one has to interact with everyone. Unless you're Pinkie Pie, that really isn't reasonable. I know who I'm beginning to like interacting with, who I hope to call friend, and that's enough.

9985523
I’m not really looking to befriend everyone I meet, but I see no point in making enemies by mere misunderstandings. I prefer brutal honesty without any sugarcoating, but sometimes it’s good to put in a little hint that I’m not a hater, but a stranger trying to help. Some people may be a little more distraught or touchy than you and I’m not seeking to traumatize anyone, right, uh, friend?

9985542
I'm good with brutal honesty, and having heard you say sugarcoating I recognize the irony in Sugarcoat's name now. Anyway, at no point did I ever think you might be a hater, as there was nothing to suggest it at all. You're right, some folks might be more distraught, and I hope that they can calm down and really consider what's being said to them because once one gets so upset over something, that means it hit a nerve. So, again, you're right.

If you don't feel comfortable with friend, then that's okay. I'm certainly happy to accept it though, honored even.

9985545

If you don't feel comfortable with friend, then that's okay. I'm certainly happy to accept it though, honored even.

It’s alright, I’m just not really used to it :twilightsheepish:

9985557
I almost think that's a shame, that you aren't used to it. But I'm honored then that you did that with me, so thank you.

Well, I guess I was wrong about being the first to post a comment on your site, but it might be true for the other story. I was shocked to notice that a bunch of comments occurred only recently, like in the past hour. A whole back and forth conversation occurred while I was busy reading the story. That feels like either a coincidence, or fate. The other one, EverFreePony, was offering constructive criticism.

And now for my own opinion, because I just finished reading it.

First of all, what does pitapata mean? As in, "the rapid fire pitapata of rain against the glass . . ." I looked that word up in online dictionary, and it wasn't there. The suggestions it had doesn't seem too close.

Secondly, while reading this story, I recall how you mentioned you had a fond spot for Applejack, most likely due to your own experience with southern culture. While reading that, I felt a glow of appreciation inwardly at how that experience made the language style her feel authentic. In fact, if you continue to edit my own story, I may request you to edit the character "Braeburn Orchard", and it's not the character in the show. Honestly, I overlooked the fact that such a character already had that name in the show. I thought I was clever when I came up with it myself after reading about the history of Braeburn. Oh well. Anyway, if and when you ever get around to that character, maybe you can consider editing his speech with a better southern accent. I used to think I did okay until I read your work. Now I almost feel embarrassed. Actually, if you encounter another character in the story who should have such an accent, suggest away. These thoughts kept intruding into my mind as i read, and I had to remind myself multiple times to refocus on your story.

Thirdly, when you wrote in your author's note that you wrote this story in 2017, I assume you also meant you wrote the story before Season 7, Episode 13, "The Perfect Pair"? While that thought quickly occurred to me, it ultimately doesn't matter. I can just pretend it's another reality. That works just fine for me. I was just curious.

Fourthly, part of me wondered if you actually have experienced a relative who went through an experience like this. I say this because this is, unfortunately, a condition that can be more than pure idle fantasy. It can be that too. Conditions like this can exist in fiction as well, but it also exists in reality. Another part of me feels reluctant to bring this up. If it is based on real life experience, then it is unlikely to be easy to talk about. Regardless, many readers might find this scenario all too relatable. For those that do, it might be hard to talk about, but some people find it therapeutic to talk about it.

Fifthly, although this opinion mostly coincides with EverFreePony, the beginning of the story is quite immersive. The thunderstorm outside, the creaking on the floor, the way they talk to each other . . . it feels like a family, but when the story got more rushed, that honestly feels to me the way Applejack herself wrote it. That part of the story would be painful for her to write too, so it's easy to visualize that she'd just summarize that part rather than going in-depth. Well, at least that is the way the story pacing feels.

Regarding the other comments, I know what it feels like to re-read earlier works when your writing style improves. At that point the stories can be hard to look at. Readers, on the other hand, find their own value, but on this regard I don't speak from much experience. I have rarely gotten feedback on my own stories so I'm a bit blind on that department. All I know is how I feel when I read and re-read my stories. While I do so, I often try to imagine how other readers would perceive it and I make changes accordingly, mostly with the mindset of either making things more clear or more entertaining, or both.

Anyway, thanks for the story. As you'll note with this rather wordy comment, I am a fellow writer too. Editor, though . . . you might have a leg up on me on that one.

Are you kidding me! You posted this just when I finish the other version? Laugh out loud, I tell ya!

Well, i find it very interesting that you left up both versions of the story. Can give others a before/after comparison.

9985673
1. Pitapata is my poor spelling of pitter patter which is itself onomatopoeia, that is all.

2. Will do, no problem.

3. I still haven't seen past Season 6, Episode 8 honestly. So definitely written before then.

4. I have experienced it, and still am. More than one relative. It's painful, because she couldn't remember my name, but she insisted she recognized my face. And now, another, and she is always seeing me for the first time in ages and just has to hug me. I don't mind the hugs, really.

5. My re-write is where I tried to bring more immersive experiences to the rest of the story, but it still feels clumsy to me. Alas, while I'd love to take credit for such deep thinking, really I just rushed and was a bit lazy in later parts. Today I took my time and tried to fill out, expand, and improve in various areas.

Now then, write for yourself. I like to write up a few paragraphs, then go over them and see how I can expand on them, or, if they're too much, how I can trim them down.

This was incredibly touching. I grew up in the same sorta “western” town and lifestyle, so Applejack’s always had a place in my heart. It hurts to read something so emotionally raw happening to her. Well done, again.

9985779
Yikes! Didn't know you were that far behind in the show. If I were, i wouldn't have said anything about a future episode of the show for you. Fortunately for me, all I really did was give a season number, episode number, and tittle. Now that I know, though, I I'll be more discreet about that in the future. The author's note I had on my prologue chapter wasn't kidding. My stories does contain spoilers if you haven't seen up to season 8, episode 11, I believe. However, you'd still be okay until Chapter 21. The book alludes to other spoilers before that chapter but you already past them by season 6, episode 8 so you're good to go until chapter 21.

On a related note, let me know if you record blind reactions for the show on youtube. I've been watching those for years. One of the reactors even said he might post his own blind reaction to my story. I think he claimed he finished the prologue reaction on that but hasn't posted it yet.

Different observation. For some reason I completely neglected to look at the search tags for your story before I read them. I didn't see things like "Starlight Glimmer" or "Dark fiction". I didn't even see the "T" for Teen there. Instead I just opened the chapters, and read them. As a result, it actually surprised me when it got dark. If I had more carefully read the tags, however, I would have been instead, "Okay, so when does it get dark?" Actually, I take that back. The earlier chapters does explore some of the dark psyche of the Main 6, but their future selves try to cheer them back up and teach them things will be better . . . until I got to poor Rainbow Dash! I'm assuming that wasn't her future self in that scene. So far it looks like it has very little do do with the earlier chapters.

If you'll note, I had some dark tags on my story too like "Gore" and "Violence". The majority of the story doesn't deserve those tags but the few chapters that do go so shockingly far into that territory that fans of MLP show could be shocked, but not necessarily fans of Doctor Who. Some of the Doctor's villains get pretty creepy too, so as a cross-over story, I did try to blend the two. Even if the villains do not necessarily come from the show Doctor Who itself, some of them are still on that level so just a head's up. Judging from your story, though, I think you can handle it. Probably even enjoy it. Even without the "gore" or "violence" scenes, the story comes off as more mature to me with more mature themes. Less cartoony and more realistic and relatable, in other words, until really cartoony characters show up and, even then, the weird antics are refrained to just them. As you go through the story, I'm curious if you'll agree that the T rating I put on that story is just right, or should it have been something else? Let me know.

9986938
Thank you very much for all of your feedback, it means a great deal to me. I'm sure I'll be able to handle whatever it is that you throw at me, no problem there. And I am a Doctor Who fan, and I haven't seen anything past Matt Smith's Doctor yet, unfortunately. But I did enjoy that show.

I'll let you know what I think of the T Rating, and anything else which comes to mind as well.

Thank you, again.

9987103
I appreciate your appreciation! Glad to make you happy!

So . . . is that a no to my question about whether you do youtube reactions? That's been quite the hobby of mine since 2017. In fact it's a big reason why I became proud to join the fandom, and helped to inspire the story I wrote.

As for Doctor Who, Matt Smith and David Tennent are my two favorite doctors, and my favorite episode of all time for that show was Matt Smith's Christmas special with his own sci-fi take on the Christmas Carol episode. Wow, that was a masterpiece, and I was initially reserved against it too for being a yet another rip-off of that story, but WOW! The story, music, and performance of that episode was amazing!

For the context of my story, that's also far enough to grasp the character when he appears along with somepony else you're likely quite familiar with. Doctor almost always has a companion, after all.

9987153
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to address the question. I... honestly don't know what "blind reactions" means. I can safely say that I haven't done it, and I have no idea if I will, either.

9987205
Okay, fair enough. I got my answer to my question. Now I'll elaborate it on that further since there seems to be some confusion on you about what it is. You might want to check it out if you have any interest in such things after I explain it.

Basically, blind reactions are recorded reactions of others, almost elusively Bronies in this case of the MLP show, who recorded their reactions to watching each episode for the first time. If it includes a face cam, as most do, you get to see their facial and emotional reaction to the show when they saw it for the first time, and they often make comments on top of that about what they thought of the episode and each individual scene. I've watched many by now and their reactions are almost universally positive except for perhaps a few episodes of the show. In addition, a smaller copy of the episode itself is almost always located on their screen somewhere so that you can see and hear the episode along with them.

Reactions exist for many other content on the internet as well. From what I can tell, most of it is on youtube.

For me, watching them watch the show helps me to connect with the fandom on an emotional and intellectual level. For so many years I didn't understand what the Bronie fandom saw into the show until I realized I watched enough episodes myself and spontaneously decided that I might as well count myself as a fan after watching so many of the episodes, regardless of what other Bronies see in the show. Mind you, during this time, I read no twitch or twitter or youtube comments at all that would have given feedback about why they enjoyed the show. This is also why I didn't notice prominent background ponies either, something that got the fandom hyped but I never hung around them to notice it. I judged the show entirely on it's own merits, and I was still confused until midway through season 7 when I finally deiced, "You know what? Whatever. After seeing this many, I might as well count myself a fan too." At that point I no longer care what other Bronies saw in the show. Now I only care about what I see in the show, and . . . it's good. Keeps me coming back.

Ironically, shortly after I said that, I discovered Blind Reactions (also known as blind commentary) which finally answered the question I always sought. After finally deciding I was a fan for myself, my question was finally answered when I watched others watch it for the first time and tracked them from the beginning to . . . wherever they left off on. Watching their emotional reactions made me more emotional, and it was at that point the show became something really special to me. Watching others joy magnifies my own, and kind of makes me feel like I'm watching it for the first time as well. It brings back that nostalgia while also adding something new each time. Some of them are pretty funny too, but that depends on your sense of humor as well.

By this point I've watched so many that I have noticed common patterns, like pretty much all Bronies still cringe at the show's opening theme song, especially when the watch season 1, episode 1 for the first time. You don't know how many times many of them said at that point in various different ways, "Oh God! What am I watching? Why am I doing this to myself?" But the story always ends the same. They get hooked despite the cringe factor, and the rest is history.

So, now that you know, you can write to Princess Celesta about the lesson you learned today, perhaps to be followed up by a dozen of other related letters. From what I can tell, she doesn't mind being spammed in this regard.

9987356
I may look into that, certainly. I don't think I'd be comfortable sharing that of myself though. I've... cringed at the intro, but never questioned what I was watching. The evolution of my fanship is interesting, because it began with Keanu Reeves...

9987367
lol. Well, if your experience is anything like Keanu Reeves, then what I have to say to that is, "Whoa!"

9987370
It was a meme, that depressed Keanu Reeves one, on the bench? And in this meme, there's Lyra sitting next to him, Bon-Bon laying beside the bench, and another pony (I honest'y don't remember which) next to her, and it is divided into frames, with each frame showing one elss pony, until the punchline indicates that Keanu eats his feelings, implying he ate those ponies.

And I fell in love with the art style of those ponies, and I thought that whoever did that concept of them must have been a genius. Didn't know it wasn't fanart at that time.

So, fast forward a week or so, and I'm flipping through television when I stumble upon the HUB Network, and there's Rarity being taken by Diamond Dogs... My first episode, partial at least, was that. The next one was Fall Weather Friends, and it was my first full episode.

After that? I started looking around, and I found a fantastic story on DeviantArt called "Of Heroics and Ladylike Behavior" that was brilliantly written, a RariDash ship that made sense in the context of the episode "Sonic Rianboom". So I looked up more, and I found another story called "A Summer Twilight" which had my cry my very first (but far from last) tears, then I found Thanqol's "Yours Truly", and later on found Cloudy Skies' works, and I positively loved them. Then Donnys Boy, Warren Hutch, fellstorm, and so many more just popped out. I had a thing for sad fics, tended to favor those most of all.

But there's more, I found Aviators, MandoPony, and others on YouTube (and to this day I have that stuff on an old MP3 player, including the music videos).

I just kept getting deeper and deeper in.

Naturally, I downloaded the first season, and started following as new episodes came out with the second season (for when I had joined the fandom, the second season had not yet premiered, though it was only a short time later that it did.) I kept downloading each new episode, and collected all of the first 2 seasons.

Fond memories.

9987379
Ah man! Thanks for sharing that. That really touched my heart. Thank you!

9987388
You're welcome, and thank you for listening.

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